Letter out of the blue

[Alida]

I am really stymied by this.  About 2 years ago, a few of us parted ways with a woman who had turned very bitter and angry, who swore at me on the phone when I called to see how she was doing, who accused my friends and me of many things that just hurt terribly.  This is a 50 something mother and grandmother.

I received a long letter from her today in the mail.  She explains herself - there's no apology, but it is an explanation centering on her stresses and her envy of me and my relationship with my husband.  She wants a closure I don't know I can give her.  Does etiquette dictate that I must respond to this?  Is there a time frame in which I should? 

[Chocolate Cake]

I once was in your position, but with a distant family member.   I recieved an explanation, but no apology.  I chose not to respond at all because it just wasn't good enough to span the chasm her actions caused.

Did this woman have a medical condition that caused her to act like she did?  If not, I think her "olive branch" is a bit lacking.  After all this time, this may be all you're going to get from her.

No, you don't have to respond to it now or at all.   That she wants "closure" is her problem, not yours.

[Irish Clovers]

I wouldn't respond, especially if there was no apology in the letter.  Hopefully she'll get the hint.

[Tabris]

She thinks she apologized. It wouldn't harm you to send her a brief note thanking her for "clearing up matters" but stating that despite her explanation, while you may forgive her, you do not wish to reconcile with her nor resume your friendship.

Yes, those are two different things. YOU will set the bar for how much contact you will allow, and "none" is allowable.

[Alida]

She thinks she apologized. It wouldn't harm you to send her a brief note thanking her for "clearing up matters" but stating that despite her explanation, while you may forgive her, you do not wish to reconcile with her nor resume your friendship.

Yes, those are two different things. YOU will set the bar for how much contact you will allow, and "none" is allowable.

I've spoken with someone who knows us both, but is apart from the situation - his recommendation was to be rid of the letter and leave it as it is.  Apparently, she's still very volatile still and it might be a bad idea to do anything at all.  "None" it is.

[minnaloushe]

I received a long letter from her today in the mail.  She explains herself - there's no apology, but it is an explanation centering on her stresses and her envy of me and my relationship with my husband.  She wants a closure I don't know I can give her.  Does etiquette dictate that I must respond to this?  Is there a time frame in which I should? 

Does she detail what she requires from you as far as closure goes, or is it open ended?  Either way, I don't think you have to reply to unsolicited letters. If you do have to communicate simply tell her what you told us, that she didn't apologize, and she wants a closure you don't know if you can give her.

I like how she put her bad behaviour off her shoulders and onto yours though. It's not her fault she's nasty and bitter, it's yours.  How dare you have a happy marriage and life!

[MineralDiva]

With no apology, I too would ignore the letter.  She's obviously still more interested in her own feelings, than in yours, and is quite content to take up whatever space she can.

If it would be more cathartic, you might burn the letter, instead of simply throwing it away.  But definitely don't acknowledge it.

[ccnumber4]

Ah, the non-apology apology!  I was very recently put in your position, although it occured in the form of a phone call, rather than a letter.  My response was polite, but noncommittal.  I simply thanked her for taking the time to call, but that the events in question had happened almost 2 years prior and to be quite honest, I rarely even thought of them anymore.  I also told the caller I had no ill feelings toward anyone involved and I hoped there were none on their parts.  Then I ended the call as quickly as possible.  

Though I do see this person occasionally and we are polite, I avoid being in any social situations with her.

I think you should respond only if you are comfortable, but sometimes ignoring it might be better, especially if she is still emotionally unstable, as your friend has indicated.  

[Alida]

If it would be more cathartic, you might burn the letter, instead of simply throwing it away.  But definitely don't acknowledge it.

I like the idea of burning it.  Probably more than I should.  I think that's just what I will do.  I'll keep the extinguisher at the ready, given my past history with flame!

[Clara Bow]

If this person is someone who is very important to you, then take the letter as an olive branch (if not a total apology, thought Tabris is right. She thinks she apologized). It's the friendship that matters.
But if this is someone you feel better off without, or your feelings on her friendship are neutral then there is no reason to answer the letter. Also, if you consider her sentiment inadequate and that bothers you then let it go.
BTW, jealous of your relationship with your husband?? Since when are friends jealous of one another to the point that they alienate each other? I thought when your friends were happy you were supposed to be happy for them.....

[snacky-poo]

I would ignore it.  If she treated you like that two years ago and now is asking for closure without taking even some responsibilty for her actions - she's not worth it.

[Tabris]

Apparently, she's still very volatile still and it might be a bad idea to do anything at all.  "None" it is.

Is she so volatile that she'll escalate in an attempt to get her "closure"? Because you might be doing this over the phone next if she does.

Her volatility would actually make me more inclined to jot down a note.

Dear TNT:

Thank you for taking the time to send me your note. I read it several times, and I now understand everything that happened. I wish you all the best, and I hope you have found the closure you sought.

Sincerely,
Me

Nice and polite and noncommital, and unlikely to provoke anything further since you haven't given her any ammunition.

[Alida]

The last time we were on the phone, it was because I was concerned about her - she was under a lot of stress (which she notes in the letter) and used that as an excuse for telling me to f**k off - in those words.  I think I sat there staring at the phone for a good five minutes wondering what had just happened!

She lives in the next state, thankfully, and I do not expect to see her any time soon.  If she does contact me again, I may reply with something along those lines.  I'm glad she got it out of her system, I don't want it anywhere near mine

[Tabris]

Sounds perfect. She's quite the gem, isn't she?

[Alida]

Sounds perfect. She's quite the gem, isn't she?

I had NO idea she was like this.  Silly me, expecting an adult to be an adult!