Author Topic: Mothers Day  (Read 9503 times)

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Harriet Jones

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Re: Mothers Day
« Reply #30 on: May 05, 2014, 11:28:16 AM »
I'm almost with your Millionaire Maria.  I think it's something that is passed on just like deferential treatment to parents is.  Until I was on my own, I deferred to my parents.  As I began to date someone seriously and to build my own family, I stop deferring to my parents as much and deferred to my partner instead.  Now that I am about to be married, I defer only to DF.  I think that Mother's Day and Father's day are quite the same.  I did not have a six year old last year nor a father to a child I was raising.  I would have celebrated my father if not for him being dead.  This year, I will celebrate my DF because he is the father of my child.  This year, I will honor my mother, but I hope to be celebrated myself.

Did you adopt DF's child or do you have your own child?  If neither of these but you are engaged to someone with a child, please be very careful referring to that child as "my child" and expecting that the child celebrate you as her mother.  It can be offensive to her biological mother and hurtful to the child, who may be put in a position of feeling disloyal to her actual mother.  Love her, and let her have a solid loving relationship with you but please don't force a "this is *my* child" vibe.

From previous posts I think MM's stepdaughter's mom is not really around and the little girl doesn't have a healthy relationship with her. MM has happily stepped in to offer a "Mother" figure and DD has embraced her as such. I was in the exact same position and my "step" mom is 100% my mom and honored as such. I do have a good relationship with my bio-mom now that I'm an adult, but that wasn't the case until I was probably 25. I agree that MM shouldn't force herself into a mom role, but if DD needs her to be a mom she definitely shouldn't back off and encourage DD to seek out her bio mom instead. For some kids that kind of (well intentioned) distance would just leave them with no mom at all. My stepmom always referred to me as her daughter, no further explanation necessary, and it meant the world to me.

AFAIK, MM is not yet married to the father of this 6yo girl.  I appreciate that she wants to be a good mother-figure to this girl, but I think it's a bit much to expect to be celebrated as a mother on Mother's Day this year.

JenJay

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Re: Mothers Day
« Reply #31 on: May 05, 2014, 11:29:48 AM »
I'm almost with your Millionaire Maria.  I think it's something that is passed on just like deferential treatment to parents is.  Until I was on my own, I deferred to my parents.  As I began to date someone seriously and to build my own family, I stop deferring to my parents as much and deferred to my partner instead.  Now that I am about to be married, I defer only to DF.  I think that Mother's Day and Father's day are quite the same.  I did not have a six year old last year nor a father to a child I was raising.  I would have celebrated my father if not for him being dead.  This year, I will celebrate my DF because he is the father of my child.  This year, I will honor my mother, but I hope to be celebrated myself.

Did you adopt DF's child or do you have your own child?  If neither of these but you are engaged to someone with a child, please be very careful referring to that child as "my child" and expecting that the child celebrate you as her mother.  It can be offensive to her biological mother and hurtful to the child, who may be put in a position of feeling disloyal to her actual mother.  Love her, and let her have a solid loving relationship with you but please don't force a "this is *my* child" vibe.

From previous posts I think MM's stepdaughter's mom is not really around and the little girl doesn't have a healthy relationship with her. MM has happily stepped in to offer a "Mother" figure and DD has embraced her as such. I was in the exact same position and my "step" mom is 100% my mom and honored as such. I do have a good relationship with my bio-mom now that I'm an adult, but that wasn't the case until I was probably 25. I agree that MM shouldn't force herself into a mom role, but if DD needs her to be a mom she definitely shouldn't back off and encourage DD to seek out her bio mom instead. For some kids that kind of (well intentioned) distance would just leave them with no mom at all. My stepmom always referred to me as her daughter, no further explanation necessary, and it meant the world to me.

Certainly specifics matter - I just suggest being careful.  I know that should my DD's father get married, I would be offended to hear his new wife refer to my daughter as "her" daughter.  I would want them to have a loving relationship, but my daughter does not need another mother - she has me.  But then it seems my circumstances are different than what MM's are.  I just suggest using caution and being certain to consider everyone involved, that's all.

FWIW, I am married and my DD loves my husband and vice versa.  But she calls him by his first name - not Daddy or anything like that.  She has a Daddy, one who very much respects my husband and vice versa, largely because my husband is not trying to take over for my DD's father.

It's so lovely when the adults can all get along and respect each other! It was years before I found out how my parents (dad and stepmom) felt about my bio-mom because, despite all the issues, they never once said anything negative about her to me. They supported me when I decided to stop seeing her and I know they would have supported me if I'd changed my mind.

I recall once telling my stepmom how much I respected her for never bad mouthing my mom, she certainly had cause, and she said "Oh hon, I wouldn't go that far. I just never bad mouthed her to you. My sister heard about it. A lot."

I don't anticipate DH and I divorcing but I know that if my kids ever end up with step-parents there won't be any issues. He and I respect each other as parents and would never say anything nasty about the other or interfere with the other's role. Luckily our kids have 2 involved parents so there would never be any slack for anyone else to need to step in and pick up.

HannahGrace

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Re: Mothers Day
« Reply #32 on: May 05, 2014, 12:31:43 PM »
I am realizing that I am very lucky that my own mom is laid back about such things - I always call and send her a card, but it's just not a big deal one way or the other to her so I do not feel like there are huge expectations on the holiday.  I treat her well and with love every day, and to me (and her) that's what matters.

On the other hand, my fiance's mom upset him very much yesterday by calling in tears about being alone for mother's day.  She has plenty of friends and lives hundreds of miles away from us (if it matters, we live where she is from - she moved to a warmer climate a number of years ago).  In my mind, once your children are in their 20s and 30s (and you move away from the area in which they live), expecting to have them with you for mother's day is a bit much.

Piratelvr1121

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Re: Mothers Day
« Reply #33 on: May 05, 2014, 12:55:59 PM »
Dh's biological father abandoned him and MIL when Dh was 7months old, so when MIL remarried and the man adopted DH, he had no problem at all thinking of FIL as "Dad". I think he was maybe 3 or four when they remarried and FIL is really great with little kids, so I don't think it took long at all for the two to take to each other.

Also a friend of mine from high school has a stepson who she sees as a son of her own and I think he calls her by her first name but does see her as a second mother.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

TurtleDove

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Re: Mothers Day
« Reply #34 on: May 05, 2014, 01:00:04 PM »
Dh's biological father abandoned him and MIL when Dh was 7months old, so when MIL remarried and the man adopted DH, he had no problem at all thinking of FIL as "Dad".

I would hope not, since via adoption FIL was his Dad!

KimberlyM

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Re: Mothers Day
« Reply #35 on: May 05, 2014, 01:09:41 PM »
It used to be that Mothers Day morning I'd host a brunch for my mom and MIL.  That worked well, my husband always helped with the cooking etc.  Then my MIL moved out of state, so she now gets a card in the mail with something little and fun.  We continued brunch with just my mom for a while, but then when talking one day we decided that instead of cooking and cleaning on Mothers Day we'd do something fun together.  So now, my mom and I go out to a ritzy champagne brunch together and they kids and dad stay at home doing whatever they want. 

Mothers Day afternoon is spent, every year, prepping and planting my garden beds.  The kids and hubby help me weed and mix in compost etc, then we all go shopping for plants, come home and plant them.  That's my gift every year.

Sophia

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Re: Mothers Day
« Reply #36 on: May 05, 2014, 02:49:39 PM »
It used to be that Mothers Day morning I'd host a brunch for my mom and MIL.  That worked well, my husband always helped with the cooking etc.  Then my MIL moved out of state, so she now gets a card in the mail with something little and fun.  We continued brunch with just my mom for a while, but then when talking one day we decided that instead of cooking and cleaning on Mothers Day we'd do something fun together.  So now, my mom and I go out to a ritzy champagne brunch together and they kids and dad stay at home doing whatever they want. 

Mothers Day afternoon is spent, every year, prepping and planting my garden beds.  The kids and hubby help me weed and mix in compost etc, then we all go shopping for plants, come home and plant them.  That's my gift every year.

I am going to remember that for when DD is old enough to enjoy a brunch.  Maybe in a couple of years. 

guihong

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Re: Mothers Day
« Reply #37 on: May 05, 2014, 04:51:55 PM »
We will be celebrating a week later, with Godzilla and dinner out  ;D.



metallicafan

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Re: Mothers Day
« Reply #38 on: May 05, 2014, 04:54:01 PM »
OP here.

I plan on seeing my mom on Wednesday,  and will give her her cards and gift.
I am hoping to go to a fabulous brunch at a great restaurant.  Not quite sure how we are going to celebrate MIL yet.

TootsNYC

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Re: Mothers Day
« Reply #39 on: May 05, 2014, 05:18:02 PM »
I know that most people view Mother's Day as a time when children honor their mother for all of her sacrifices, but I just don't see it that way. To me, Mother's Day is the day that the father of my children honors me for all the things that I do for my family. My children are little now, so of course crayon smudges on printer paper is part of the celebration, but it's still my DH's responsibility to make it happen. Unless we are talking about a parent who is single, I think that the responsibility to make sure that parent is honored falls to the spouse. Whenever I hear stories about mothers whose husbands spend more time focusing on celebrating their mother, instead of the mother of their own children, it makes me a little bit angry. Do what you like on Mother's Day. It's your day.


My husband would agree with you. And my kids are 16 and 19/20.

I personally preferred to spend Mother's Day *with* my children. I always said, "This is the day that I want to immerse myself in being Mom. Without any of the bad things; no whining, no making them do chores, no cooking, no homework, no negatives." But I didn't want to get away from them. I work enough late hours that I wanted to be with them, to really focus on them and enjoy them. To be a mother.

Going out to brunch without them would have been my idea of torture. (Esp. since everybody else is going out to brunch as well. Way too crowded for me. I wanted to stay home and have peanut-butter toast, and then take the kids to the park and teach them how to hit a baseball with a bat (back elbow up, said Mr. Larsen).

ladyknight1

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Re: Mothers Day
« Reply #40 on: May 05, 2014, 07:47:57 PM »
I will be camping on Mother's Day weekend this year and teaching Wilderness First Aid. I already made my mom's gift and mailed it a week early along with a card.

I have MIL's gift and card, they just need to be wrapped. We are meeting her for lunch the day after DH's birthday to celebrate her Mother's Day and his birthday at a new restaurant.

I prefer to eat at home on major holidays like Mother's Day because of the crowds. DH and DS are good cooks and I love it when they pamper me with a flower and something I enjoy.

JenJay

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Re: Mothers Day
« Reply #41 on: May 05, 2014, 08:14:34 PM »
I'm almost with your Millionaire Maria.  I think it's something that is passed on just like deferential treatment to parents is.  Until I was on my own, I deferred to my parents.  As I began to date someone seriously and to build my own family, I stop deferring to my parents as much and deferred to my partner instead.  Now that I am about to be married, I defer only to DF.  I think that Mother's Day and Father's day are quite the same.  I did not have a six year old last year nor a father to a child I was raising.  I would have celebrated my father if not for him being dead.  This year, I will celebrate my DF because he is the father of my child.  This year, I will honor my mother, but I hope to be celebrated myself.

Did you adopt DF's child or do you have your own child?  If neither of these but you are engaged to someone with a child, please be very careful referring to that child as "my child" and expecting that the child celebrate you as her mother.  It can be offensive to her biological mother and hurtful to the child, who may be put in a position of feeling disloyal to her actual mother.  Love her, and let her have a solid loving relationship with you but please don't force a "this is *my* child" vibe.

From previous posts I think MM's stepdaughter's mom is not really around and the little girl doesn't have a healthy relationship with her. MM has happily stepped in to offer a "Mother" figure and DD has embraced her as such. I was in the exact same position and my "step" mom is 100% my mom and honored as such. I do have a good relationship with my bio-mom now that I'm an adult, but that wasn't the case until I was probably 25. I agree that MM shouldn't force herself into a mom role, but if DD needs her to be a mom she definitely shouldn't back off and encourage DD to seek out her bio mom instead. For some kids that kind of (well intentioned) distance would just leave them with no mom at all. My stepmom always referred to me as her daughter, no further explanation necessary, and it meant the world to me.

AFAIK, MM is not yet married to the father of this 6yo girl.  I appreciate that she wants to be a good mother-figure to this girl, but I think it's a bit much to expect to be celebrated as a mother on Mother's Day this year.

I understand what you're saying, but knowing MM's situation and my own (as the child, not the parent) I know that MM is absolutely this little girl's mom. My parents were together for 7 or 8 years before they actually got married but my "step" mom was very much my mom from shortly after they started dating. It isn't the typical scenario, but it happens. Sometimes a biological parent decides to check out and when that happens, and there is a willing and able step-parent in the picture, it's awesome for that person to assume the role!  :)

Harriet Jones

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Re: Mothers Day
« Reply #42 on: May 05, 2014, 08:30:43 PM »
I'm almost with your Millionaire Maria.  I think it's something that is passed on just like deferential treatment to parents is.  Until I was on my own, I deferred to my parents.  As I began to date someone seriously and to build my own family, I stop deferring to my parents as much and deferred to my partner instead.  Now that I am about to be married, I defer only to DF.  I think that Mother's Day and Father's day are quite the same.  I did not have a six year old last year nor a father to a child I was raising.  I would have celebrated my father if not for him being dead.  This year, I will celebrate my DF because he is the father of my child.  This year, I will honor my mother, but I hope to be celebrated myself.

Did you adopt DF's child or do you have your own child?  If neither of these but you are engaged to someone with a child, please be very careful referring to that child as "my child" and expecting that the child celebrate you as her mother.  It can be offensive to her biological mother and hurtful to the child, who may be put in a position of feeling disloyal to her actual mother.  Love her, and let her have a solid loving relationship with you but please don't force a "this is *my* child" vibe.

From previous posts I think MM's stepdaughter's mom is not really around and the little girl doesn't have a healthy relationship with her. MM has happily stepped in to offer a "Mother" figure and DD has embraced her as such. I was in the exact same position and my "step" mom is 100% my mom and honored as such. I do have a good relationship with my bio-mom now that I'm an adult, but that wasn't the case until I was probably 25. I agree that MM shouldn't force herself into a mom role, but if DD needs her to be a mom she definitely shouldn't back off and encourage DD to seek out her bio mom instead. For some kids that kind of (well intentioned) distance would just leave them with no mom at all. My stepmom always referred to me as her daughter, no further explanation necessary, and it meant the world to me.

AFAIK, MM is not yet married to the father of this 6yo girl.  I appreciate that she wants to be a good mother-figure to this girl, but I think it's a bit much to expect to be celebrated as a mother on Mother's Day this year.

I understand what you're saying, but knowing MM's situation and my own (as the child, not the parent) I know that MM is absolutely this little girl's mom. My parents were together for 7 or 8 years before they actually got married but my "step" mom was very much my mom from shortly after they started dating. It isn't the typical scenario, but it happens. Sometimes a biological parent decides to check out and when that happens, and there is a willing and able step-parent in the picture, it's awesome for that person to assume the role!  :)

I appreciate where you're coming from, but MM has only known this girl since approximately September of last year, according to one of her posts

JenJay

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Re: Mothers Day
« Reply #43 on: May 05, 2014, 08:53:48 PM »
I'm almost with your Millionaire Maria.  I think it's something that is passed on just like deferential treatment to parents is.  Until I was on my own, I deferred to my parents.  As I began to date someone seriously and to build my own family, I stop deferring to my parents as much and deferred to my partner instead.  Now that I am about to be married, I defer only to DF.  I think that Mother's Day and Father's day are quite the same.  I did not have a six year old last year nor a father to a child I was raising.  I would have celebrated my father if not for him being dead.  This year, I will celebrate my DF because he is the father of my child.  This year, I will honor my mother, but I hope to be celebrated myself.

Did you adopt DF's child or do you have your own child?  If neither of these but you are engaged to someone with a child, please be very careful referring to that child as "my child" and expecting that the child celebrate you as her mother.  It can be offensive to her biological mother and hurtful to the child, who may be put in a position of feeling disloyal to her actual mother.  Love her, and let her have a solid loving relationship with you but please don't force a "this is *my* child" vibe.

From previous posts I think MM's stepdaughter's mom is not really around and the little girl doesn't have a healthy relationship with her. MM has happily stepped in to offer a "Mother" figure and DD has embraced her as such. I was in the exact same position and my "step" mom is 100% my mom and honored as such. I do have a good relationship with my bio-mom now that I'm an adult, but that wasn't the case until I was probably 25. I agree that MM shouldn't force herself into a mom role, but if DD needs her to be a mom she definitely shouldn't back off and encourage DD to seek out her bio mom instead. For some kids that kind of (well intentioned) distance would just leave them with no mom at all. My stepmom always referred to me as her daughter, no further explanation necessary, and it meant the world to me.

AFAIK, MM is not yet married to the father of this 6yo girl.  I appreciate that she wants to be a good mother-figure to this girl, but I think it's a bit much to expect to be celebrated as a mother on Mother's Day this year.

I understand what you're saying, but knowing MM's situation and my own (as the child, not the parent) I know that MM is absolutely this little girl's mom. My parents were together for 7 or 8 years before they actually got married but my "step" mom was very much my mom from shortly after they started dating. It isn't the typical scenario, but it happens. Sometimes a biological parent decides to check out and when that happens, and there is a willing and able step-parent in the picture, it's awesome for that person to assume the role!  :)

I appreciate where you're coming from, but MM has only known this girl since approximately September of last year, according to one of her posts

I guess I don't understand what you're trying to say? (I don't know how to say what I mean without it sounding snarky which is absolutely not my intent)

MM lives with this family and is the only mom in this little girl's life. I don't see any harm in MM secretly hoping to be honored on Mother's Day by a little girl she is full time mothering. Maybe if the bio-mom was around and MM just saw her part time, sure, I'd say give it a couple of years, if ever. Some step kids & parents never form that close a bond and that's okay too. DH didn't start buying his step-mom MD cards until he met me and noticed that I acknowledged both of my moms. They had a good relationship, it just hadn't occurred to him until then.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that nobody should feel pressured to do more than they're comfortable with, but at the same time nobody should hold back out of fear of offending other people if that bond is there.

Harriet Jones

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Re: Mothers Day
« Reply #44 on: May 05, 2014, 09:59:32 PM »
I think it's a bit much to expect to be celebrated as someone's "mom" if you've only been in their life for 6 or 7 months.  If the little girl already feels that close to MM, fine, but I don't think she should force the issue.