Author Topic: Mothers Day  (Read 8853 times)

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metallicafan

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Mothers Day
« on: April 16, 2014, 11:02:54 PM »


For quite a few years, we would go to BIL & SIL'S house because she hosts every year.   My parents live over an hour away from me, so I would go see my mom either the day before or after.  For various reasons, the last couple of years I stopped going by BIL,  and would go see my mom on the day of, and see MIL the day before.  In trying to please my mom and MIL,  I haven't been celebrating the day for MYSELF.  Honestly, mother's day is more important to me than my birthday. 

Would it be really rude and awful if I wanted to just spend mother's day with my husband and kids and see mom and MIL another day?
Thoughts, suggestions?

I feel guilty and like a bad daughter and daughter in law for entertaining the idea of not seeing either one of them on actual mother's day   :-X
« Last Edit: April 16, 2014, 11:08:15 PM by metallicafan »

Deetee

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Re: Mothers Day
« Reply #1 on: April 16, 2014, 11:08:39 PM »
This isn't an etiquette question, but a relationship question.

But to answer: It isn't rude to spend the day how you want at all.

There may be relationship ramifications, but I agree with you that mother's day is more for active mothers with young kids, than established parents who are out of the trenches. I think it is nice to acknowledge all moms, but something on another day sounds fine.

 

TootsNYC

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Re: Mothers Day
« Reply #2 on: April 17, 2014, 12:27:53 AM »
I'd get your husband to tell his mom, "We're going to spend Mother's Day on the mother of my kids. I'll call you that day."

Vall

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Re: Mothers Day
« Reply #3 on: April 17, 2014, 12:39:42 AM »
Would it be possible to take them both out to dinner together the day before?  Or perhaps make them dinner at your home on the day before?  You could make it special and give them corsages to wear or flowers or something.  Perhaps when they leave, you can give them a card with something very special written inside telling them how much they mean to you.

Then the next day (Mother's Day) would be yours to relax and be pampered.

TurtleDove

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Re: Mothers Day
« Reply #4 on: April 17, 2014, 07:17:45 AM »
I strongly believe that actual dates do not matter, whether birthdays or holidays. What matters is that the event is celebrated. So do what you want to celebrate YOUR day, and celebrate your mom and MIL at a different time.

Piratelvr1121

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Re: Mothers Day
« Reply #5 on: April 17, 2014, 07:58:01 AM »
I strongly believe that actual dates do not matter, whether birthdays or holidays. What matters is that the event is celebrated. So do what you want to celebrate YOUR day, and celebrate your mom and MIL at a different time.

I agree.  We rarely celebrate birthdays on the actual day in our family unless they do fall on a weekend, and no one really minds if Nana and Pop-Pop can't make it until a day or so after or even a week later, so long as the birthdays are acknowledged.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

Kiara

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Re: Mothers Day
« Reply #6 on: April 17, 2014, 09:21:00 AM »
I strongly believe that actual dates do not matter, whether birthdays or holidays. What matters is that the event is celebrated. So do what you want to celebrate YOUR day, and celebrate your mom and MIL at a different time.

This.  My mom gets her card and present for Mother's Day a week early every year, because there's a yarn festival we go to on the first weekend in May.  I give her money, and she always buys something she would have otherwise skipped.  So "on the day" she gets nothing.  She could care less.  As long as you're thinking about them and show it somehow, I say you're good.

Sophia

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Re: Mothers Day
« Reply #7 on: April 17, 2014, 09:54:35 AM »
I understand how you feel.  I've gotten enormous pressure from my mom about Mother's Day.  I rolled with it before I had a child.  But, driving 50 miles to my parent's house is not want I want to do on Mother's Day weekend.  The compromise I've insisted on is that I will see them the weekend before or after.  But, I am not leaving home that weekend. 

My view is that my status as Mother is more important than my being a Daughter.  So, now that I am a Mother, I am claiming Mother's day for myself. 

metallicafan

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Re: Mothers Day
« Reply #8 on: April 17, 2014, 10:06:07 AM »
Would it be possible to take them both out to dinner together the day before?  Or perhaps make them dinner at your home on the day before?  You could make it special and give them corsages to wear or flowers or something.  Perhaps when they leave, you can give them a card with something very special written inside telling them how much they mean to you.

Then the next day (Mother's Day) would be yours to relax and be pampered.

I wish I could do that.  My parents are elderly and live over an hour away from me, so it's not really feasible to take them all .  I cooked a nice dinner for my MIL last year the day before.  But, my BIL was pissed that they weren't invited also.  So now, I'm not sure I want to go through that again this year either.

mime

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Re: Mothers Day
« Reply #9 on: April 17, 2014, 10:31:19 AM »
I understand where you're coming from. I (like the PPs), don't think the exact day is as important as marking the event around that time. To my parents and my ILs, though, that DAY is important.  ::) We live within a 25 minute drive from both families, and they are within 15 minutes of each other.

For six years after college, I was working on my professional credentials and always had exams at the end of May so I skipped Mother's Day to study, and my mom understood the stress and let me put off Mothers' Day for a week. I am now reminded of that every. single. year. (It's been 11 years).

When I became a mom just over 9 years ago, I wanted to make a tradition of doing the Susan G Komen Race for the Cure for breast cancer. It was on Mother's Day in the morning. Both my mom and my MIL were not at all pleased and I gave up the race (actually, we did the 3-mile walk like most of the particpants). My mom and MIL are normally very reasonable, and this just wasn't the hill I was going to die on so I figured I'd work it into Mother's Day sometime in the future. We've only done it twice so far.

One thing I changed though, was I reached an agreement with my husband: Mother's Day was with my family (following the female family lines) and Father's Day was with his family (following the male family lines). Both families had to compromise a bit but it seems fair enough, and it eliminated half of the stress.

Side question: is it Mother's Day or Mothers' Day?

Sophia

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Re: Mothers Day
« Reply #10 on: April 17, 2014, 11:45:18 AM »
I don't see why your BIL being pissed means that you can't cook a meal for your MIL again. 
If you invited her over ON Mother's Day, then he might have a small point. 

TootsNYC

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Re: Mothers Day
« Reply #11 on: April 17, 2014, 12:18:47 PM »
... My parents are elderly and live over an hour away from me, so it's not really feasible to take them all .  I cooked a nice dinner for my MIL last year the day before.  But, my BIL was pissed that they weren't invited also.  So now, I'm not sure I want to go through that again this year either.

I'd do whatever you want, and then say to BIL, "YOU are supposed to plan YOUR celebration of your mother. Mother's Day is not a family holiday the way Easter and Christmas and Thanksgiving are. You want to celebrate your mom? You arrange it. It's one-on-one."

learningtofly

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Re: Mothers Day
« Reply #12 on: April 17, 2014, 12:46:31 PM »
It took a few years, but I finally claimed it for myself.  My mom is too far to visit and I make sure that cards and a present get there on time.  My family is into presents and the little things make my mom happy.  My ILs are here and at first we would all celebrate together, but then it became clear that I was an afterthought.  And then DH, DD, and I were doing what I wanted to do the night before and I thought it was ridiculous.  So now he calls his mom on Mother's Day and we send cards because we don't know if we'll make it over there.

It is completely normal to want to spend this holiday how it makes you happy as a mom.  I wouldn't mind sharing with my side of the family, but with DH's they seem to forget there is another mom there.  So we celebrate on our own.  Honor everyone else how you wish, but make the day be something you want to do.

metallicafan

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Re: Mothers Day
« Reply #13 on: April 17, 2014, 04:06:54 PM »
... My parents are elderly and live over an hour away from me, so it's not really feasible to take them all .  I cooked a nice dinner for my MIL last year the day before.  But, my BIL was pissed that they weren't invited also.  So now, I'm not sure I want to go through that again this year either.

I'd do whatever you want, and then say to BIL, "YOU are supposed to plan YOUR celebration of your mother. Mother's Day is not a family holiday the way Easter and Christmas and Thanksgiving are. You want to celebrate your mom? You arrange it. It's one-on-one."

Thank you Toots!  I feel the same, that it is not a family holiday in the same way that Christmas,  Easter, and Thanksgiving are.  The kicker is that BIL  sees his mom every year, they host. So he was going to see her on the day.  He also wouldn't have gotten out of work on time to be at my house anyway, so I was baffled as to why he was so mad.  He's not my mother or MIL!
O
« Last Edit: April 17, 2014, 04:35:28 PM by metallicafan »

gmatoy

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Re: Mothers Day
« Reply #14 on: April 19, 2014, 11:12:36 PM »
I have loved reading the advise in this thread. I have been trying to get the members of my family to see that my DIL is "THE Mother" in our family. She is the one raising a child (the most wonderful and perfect grandchild!) and while I appreciate the gifts and cards and love giving my mother gifts and cards, still it should be all about DIL! (I love that woman and hope that she knows it!)