Author Topic: Mothers Day  (Read 9600 times)

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miranova

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Re: Mothers Day
« Reply #15 on: April 25, 2014, 06:10:21 PM »
Unless we are talking about a parent who is single, I think that the responsibility to make sure that parent is honored falls to the spouse. Whenever I hear stories about mothers whose husbands spend more time focusing on celebrating their mother, instead of the mother of their own children, it makes me a little bit angry.

I 100% agree with you.   All mothers should be honored, and mothers with young children especially so since they are in the trenches and really need the break the most.  If their children are too young to pamper them, enter spouse.  Dh and I don't even have children together (we have a blended family) but luckily we are on the same page here.  He schemes with my children to make my Mother's Day special and I do the same for his Father's Day.

darkprincess

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Re: Mothers Day
« Reply #16 on: April 28, 2014, 01:32:18 PM »
We just took MIL out for mothers' day yesterday, which is two weeks early. She refuesed to make plans two weeks ahead and I refused to be on call on Mothers' day and miss out on celebrating myself. My mother agreed to a lunch with me and my kids/her grandkids the day before mothers' day. I already let DH and my children know what I want to do on mothers' day and they agreed to do it  :)

In the past we have done lot's of different things. Pre-kids we visited both mothers seperately on the actual day. On my first mother's day of being a mother I took the day as my own. We still made sure to visit them and celebrate with them but we don't guarantee it on Mothers' day. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't. It depends on how things work with the plans DH, the kids and I have.

I believe that mothers day should focus on the person with is actively mothering minor children however mother's of AC should not be forgotten, they just might not be the first priority. When my kids have kids, mothers day should focus on them not me.

mime

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Re: Mothers Day
« Reply #17 on: April 28, 2014, 05:36:54 PM »
I have loved reading the advise in this thread. I have been trying to get the members of my family to see that my DIL is "THE Mother" in our family. She is the one raising a child (the most wonderful and perfect grandchild!) and while I appreciate the gifts and cards and love giving my mother gifts and cards, still it should be all about DIL! (I love that woman and hope that she knows it!)

If I knew your DIL, I would print this out in an instant to show her what a thoughtful MIL she has... but I don't know her, so I'll just have to hope that she already knows!


JenJay

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Re: Mothers Day
« Reply #18 on: April 28, 2014, 08:20:29 PM »
I know that most people view Mother's Day as a time when children honor their mother for all of her sacrifices, but I just don't see it that way. To me, Mother's Day is the day that the father of my children honors me for all the things that I do for my family. My children are little now, so of course crayon smudges on printer paper is part of the celebration, but it's still my DH's responsibility to make it happen. Unless we are talking about a parent who is single, I think that the responsibility to make sure that parent is honored falls to the spouse. Whenever I hear stories about mothers whose husbands spend more time focusing on celebrating their mother, instead of the mother of their own children, it makes me a little bit angry. Do what you like on Mother's Day. It's your day.

Amen! My kids always wish me a Happy Mother's Day but that's about it, and that's fine with me. I've got great kids who treat me with respect and love every day. As for Mother's Day, DH will get up with them (well they're older now so that's a moot point, but he did), make sure the house is picked up, fix or get dinner, etc. He spoils me, he takes over the "Mom" jobs that day so I can sit around and hang out. If he left me at home or expected me to get the kids ready and out the door so we could go honor his mom, who he hasn't lived with in over 20 years (so she's not the one doing his cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. anymore), I'd be one unhappy Momma!

lkb

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Re: Mothers Day
« Reply #19 on: April 29, 2014, 07:20:32 AM »
I used to feel like the OP did,  especially as my birthday is around Father's Day so both Mother's Day and my birthday were spent on others. However, the year we lost both our fathers changed mme. My birthday felt so empty because two of the most important men in our lives were gone. Mothers Day is now about my MIL. I need to honor her while we still have her. My turn will come soon enough.

HGolightly

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Re: Mothers Day
« Reply #20 on: May 03, 2014, 09:49:37 PM »
My mom's birthday is close to Mother's Day so we usually made her supper and gave smaller gifts.  For years my SIL and MIL would spend the day together with their spouses and the kids for dinner out and am outing. My kids are significantly younger so when my first Mother's Day rolled around, I was not invited to join them. The next year? Excluded again. Boy was I relieved and was totally off the hook!! It really is great because I get to do my own thing! Last year DH was working and my sweet little dd (only 3 last year) wanted to buy me a nice breakfast.....at the Golden Arches place. I invited my mom to join us, my little girl was so proud because she paid (DH gave her money) and it was the best! It looks like we will do this again this year. Raising a good kid is the best part.

Mental Magpie

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Re: Mothers Day
« Reply #21 on: May 03, 2014, 10:30:46 PM »
I'm almost with your Millionaire Maria.  I think it's something that is passed on just like deferential treatment to parents is.  Until I was on my own, I deferred to my parents.  As I began to date someone seriously and to build my own family, I stop deferring to my parents as much and deferred to my partner instead.  Now that I am about to be married, I defer only to DF.  I think that Mother's Day and Father's day are quite the same.  I did not have a six year old last year nor a father to a child I was raising.  I would have celebrated my father if not for him being dead.  This year, I will celebrate my DF because he is the father of my child.  This year, I will honor my mother, but I hope to be celebrated myself.
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

pharmagal

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Re: Mothers Day
« Reply #22 on: May 03, 2014, 10:57:00 PM »
I'm almost with your Millionaire Maria.  I think it's something that is passed on just like deferential treatment to parents is.  Until I was on my own, I deferred to my parents.  As I began to date someone seriously and to build my own family, I stop deferring to my parents as much and deferred to my partner instead.  Now that I am about to be married, I defer only to DF.  I think that Mother's Day and Father's day are quite the same.  I did not have a six year old last year nor a father to a child I was raising.  I would have celebrated my father if not for him being dead.  This year, I will celebrate my DF because he is the father of my child.  This year, I will honor my mother, but I hope to be celebrated myself.

Just be careful you don't set yourself up for disappointment.  From what I recall, this relationship is less than a year (?) old and the child involved shouldn't be pushed into making declarations especially if they've come from a background filled with upheaval and instability.



 

Mental Magpie

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Re: Mothers Day
« Reply #23 on: May 03, 2014, 11:00:18 PM »
I'm almost with your Millionaire Maria.  I think it's something that is passed on just like deferential treatment to parents is.  Until I was on my own, I deferred to my parents.  As I began to date someone seriously and to build my own family, I stop deferring to my parents as much and deferred to my partner instead.  Now that I am about to be married, I defer only to DF.  I think that Mother's Day and Father's day are quite the same.  I did not have a six year old last year nor a father to a child I was raising.  I would have celebrated my father if not for him being dead.  This year, I will celebrate my DF because he is the father of my child.  This year, I will honor my mother, but I hope to be celebrated myself.

Just be careful you don't set yourself up for disappointment.  From what I recall, this relationship is less than a year (?) old and the child involved shouldn't be pushed into making declarations especially if they've come from a background filled with upheaval and instability.

I don't know what gave you the idea that I would push for anything.
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

pharmagal

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Re: Mothers Day
« Reply #24 on: May 04, 2014, 01:50:53 AM »
I'm almost with your Millionaire Maria.  I think it's something that is passed on just like deferential treatment to parents is.  Until I was on my own, I deferred to my parents.  As I began to date someone seriously and to build my own family, I stop deferring to my parents as much and deferred to my partner instead.  Now that I am about to be married, I defer only to DF.  I think that Mother's Day and Father's day are quite the same.  I did not have a six year old last year nor a father to a child I was raising.  I would have celebrated my father if not for him being dead.  This year, I will celebrate my DF because he is the father of my child.  This year, I will honor my mother, but I hope to be celebrated myself.

Just be careful you don't set yourself up for disappointment.  From what I recall, this relationship is less than a year (?) old and the child involved shouldn't be pushed into making declarations especially if they've come from a background filled with upheaval and instability.

I don't know what gave you the idea that I would push for anything.


Your previous posts regarding your developing relationship with the child and her father are what make me say what I did.    You appear to have latched on very quickly to regarding her as almost your own, and I think it would be sad if your depth of feeling was not as reciprocated.    How would you feel if she came to you and asked for help to make her mother a Mother's Day card? 


TurtleDove

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Re: Mothers Day
« Reply #25 on: May 05, 2014, 09:55:12 AM »
I'm almost with your Millionaire Maria.  I think it's something that is passed on just like deferential treatment to parents is.  Until I was on my own, I deferred to my parents.  As I began to date someone seriously and to build my own family, I stop deferring to my parents as much and deferred to my partner instead.  Now that I am about to be married, I defer only to DF.  I think that Mother's Day and Father's day are quite the same.  I did not have a six year old last year nor a father to a child I was raising.  I would have celebrated my father if not for him being dead.  This year, I will celebrate my DF because he is the father of my child.  This year, I will honor my mother, but I hope to be celebrated myself.

Did you adopt DF's child or do you have your own child?  If neither of these but you are engaged to someone with a child, please be very careful referring to that child as "my child" and expecting that the child celebrate you as her mother.  It can be offensive to her biological mother and hurtful to the child, who may be put in a position of feeling disloyal to her actual mother.  Love her, and let her have a solid loving relationship with you but please don't force a "this is *my* child" vibe. 

Oh Joy

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Re: Mothers Day
« Reply #26 on: May 05, 2014, 10:28:51 AM »
It sounds to me like it's time to open some casual dialogue with the mothers and your DH.  You can start the conversation by saying you've been giving some thought to creating meaningful traditions, and ask each person what's important to them about Mother's Day and ask how they would like to mark the holiday each year.

Sometimes we get so ingrained in our habits of what we've done or think we should do, and forget to ask ourselves these questions.  Everyone's answers (including yours and DH's) may surprise you or reveal some appealing options.

Best wishes.

tinkytinky

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Re: Mothers Day
« Reply #27 on: May 05, 2014, 10:56:09 AM »
We used to give cards/small gifts for my mom and MIL, but never did a get together type of celebration. 2 years ago, we not only had mother's day, but my younger daughter's birthday AND my oldest daughter's graduation. It was also the first one after my mom passed away. Graduation at my kid's school always falls on mother's day, so any mother's celebration takes a back seat.  :-\

DH and I have never seen mother's day/father's day as an extended family celebration (as much as MIL tried to make it one). We acknowledge(d) our parents but had our own celebration as a core family.

ETA: in answer to your question, no it isn't rude to celebrate on your own and not see either side on the day. If you plan to acknowledge them, that is all that is really needed.
« Last Edit: May 05, 2014, 11:06:38 AM by tinkytinky »

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JenJay

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Re: Mothers Day
« Reply #28 on: May 05, 2014, 10:59:35 AM »
I'm almost with your Millionaire Maria.  I think it's something that is passed on just like deferential treatment to parents is.  Until I was on my own, I deferred to my parents.  As I began to date someone seriously and to build my own family, I stop deferring to my parents as much and deferred to my partner instead.  Now that I am about to be married, I defer only to DF.  I think that Mother's Day and Father's day are quite the same.  I did not have a six year old last year nor a father to a child I was raising.  I would have celebrated my father if not for him being dead.  This year, I will celebrate my DF because he is the father of my child.  This year, I will honor my mother, but I hope to be celebrated myself.

Did you adopt DF's child or do you have your own child?  If neither of these but you are engaged to someone with a child, please be very careful referring to that child as "my child" and expecting that the child celebrate you as her mother.  It can be offensive to her biological mother and hurtful to the child, who may be put in a position of feeling disloyal to her actual mother.  Love her, and let her have a solid loving relationship with you but please don't force a "this is *my* child" vibe.

From previous posts I think MM's stepdaughter's mom is not really around and the little girl doesn't have a healthy relationship with her. MM has happily stepped in to offer a "Mother" figure and DD has embraced her as such. I was in the exact same position and my "step" mom is 100% my mom and honored as such. I do have a good relationship with my bio-mom now that I'm an adult, but that wasn't the case until I was probably 25. I agree that MM shouldn't force herself into a mom role, but if DD needs her to be a mom she definitely shouldn't back off and encourage DD to seek out her bio mom instead. For some kids that kind of (well intentioned) distance would just leave them with no mom at all. My stepmom always referred to me as her daughter, no further explanation necessary, and it meant the world to me.

TurtleDove

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Re: Mothers Day
« Reply #29 on: May 05, 2014, 11:13:28 AM »
I'm almost with your Millionaire Maria.  I think it's something that is passed on just like deferential treatment to parents is.  Until I was on my own, I deferred to my parents.  As I began to date someone seriously and to build my own family, I stop deferring to my parents as much and deferred to my partner instead.  Now that I am about to be married, I defer only to DF.  I think that Mother's Day and Father's day are quite the same.  I did not have a six year old last year nor a father to a child I was raising.  I would have celebrated my father if not for him being dead.  This year, I will celebrate my DF because he is the father of my child.  This year, I will honor my mother, but I hope to be celebrated myself.

Did you adopt DF's child or do you have your own child?  If neither of these but you are engaged to someone with a child, please be very careful referring to that child as "my child" and expecting that the child celebrate you as her mother.  It can be offensive to her biological mother and hurtful to the child, who may be put in a position of feeling disloyal to her actual mother.  Love her, and let her have a solid loving relationship with you but please don't force a "this is *my* child" vibe.

From previous posts I think MM's stepdaughter's mom is not really around and the little girl doesn't have a healthy relationship with her. MM has happily stepped in to offer a "Mother" figure and DD has embraced her as such. I was in the exact same position and my "step" mom is 100% my mom and honored as such. I do have a good relationship with my bio-mom now that I'm an adult, but that wasn't the case until I was probably 25. I agree that MM shouldn't force herself into a mom role, but if DD needs her to be a mom she definitely shouldn't back off and encourage DD to seek out her bio mom instead. For some kids that kind of (well intentioned) distance would just leave them with no mom at all. My stepmom always referred to me as her daughter, no further explanation necessary, and it meant the world to me.

Certainly specifics matter - I just suggest being careful.  I know that should my DD's father get married, I would be offended to hear his new wife refer to my daughter as "her" daughter.  I would want them to have a loving relationship, but my daughter does not need another mother - she has me.  But then it seems my circumstances are different than what MM's are.  I just suggest using caution and being certain to consider everyone involved, that's all.

FWIW, I am married and my DD loves my husband and vice versa.  But she calls him by his first name - not Daddy or anything like that.  She has a Daddy, one who very much respects my husband and vice versa, largely because my husband is not trying to take over for my DD's father.