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Author Topic: Etiquette of defining exclusivity- a spinoff  (Read 11401 times)

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whiterose

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Re: Etiquette of defining exclusivity- a spinoff
« Reply #135 on: April 30, 2014, 03:51:00 PM »
This may have been answered before but if you are european exclusive (for lack of a better term) and only dating one person from the outset, do you have to break up with them as well?  Like have a break up talk?  In America (for me at least) if I go on a date with Joe-Bob and either of us could also be dating someone else because we haven't had "the talk", I can just not go out on further dates with Joe-Bob if I am not feeling it with him.

Actually, I have read somewhere that (in the USA), if you go past a certain amount of dates with one person, even if there is no relationship talk or kissing, it is a good idea to let the person know you are ending things. IIRC, if you go on 1-2 dates there is no need for anything. But 3-4 dates merits a conclusive email. And 5-6 dates warrants at least a phone call. And if you go on at least 7 dates, then you should end things in person.
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jmarvellous

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Re: Etiquette of defining exclusivity- a spinoff
« Reply #136 on: April 30, 2014, 04:10:45 PM »
Again, those numbers seem totally arbitrary.

I would say that in my book, anything less than 1 month/10 dates, whatever comes later, you just don't call again; if asked, you mention that you'd rather not continue. Beyond that, you should probably let the person know that you're not interested. But my marker is totally different from some other people's, of course.

I went through a period of about two years in my early 20s, with five or more 2 1/2- to 3-month "relationships," plus lots of 1-5 date experiences, trying to figure out what I really wanted. It was an interesting time, and where we stood when those things ended varied wildly, based on cultures, experiences, 'where we were in life,' how much time we spent together, etc. (I will say that 'how we met' was not a factor, to my understanding.)

Trying to set rules for yourself is fine; trying to set rules for America is ... just not going to work.

TurtleDove

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Re: Etiquette of defining exclusivity- a spinoff
« Reply #137 on: April 30, 2014, 04:18:25 PM »
Trying to set rules for yourself is fine; trying to set rules for America is ... just not going to work.

Yes!  Well put.  The saying "all is fair in love and war" comes to mind, not because I believe love to be "fair" necessarily, but because the things that are "unfair" in love cannot be remedied.  If someone does not love you, you cannot make them love you.  If a person does not want a relationship, you cannot make them want one, with you or with anyone else.  And you cannot stop someone from wanting a relationship, with you or with anyone else, either.  The best way to look out for yourself is to be clear with the person/people you are interested in what *your* expectations are, and to ask what theirs are, and to make decisions based on compatibility.  Because wanting what the heart wants is never "wrong."  The only wrong is in lying to people about how you intend to treat them.

angilamae

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Re: Etiquette of defining exclusivity- a spinoff
« Reply #138 on: April 30, 2014, 04:38:45 PM »
If i care about someone enough to go on multiple dates with them, of couse I would let them know I was no longer interested. But since 1 date seemes to imply exclusvity to some people, I just wasnt sure how the ending it would work.

personally, I tend not to date tons at the same time anyways because tht is just how it works out and I'm a chicken about dating anyways but I did go through a phase about 5 years ago where i was "dating" multiple guys and not exclusive with any.  And neither were they.  It worked out fine and eventually they dwindeld to the one that lasted 5 years
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CakeEater

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Re: Etiquette of defining exclusivity- a spinoff
« Reply #139 on: April 30, 2014, 04:54:25 PM »
This may have been answered before but if you are european exclusive (for lack of a better term) and only dating one person from the outset, do you have to break up with them as well?  Like have a break up talk?  In America (for me at least) if I go on a date with Joe-Bob and either of us could also be dating someone else because we haven't had "the talk", I can just not go out on further dates with Joe-Bob if I am not feeling it with him.

No, the break up talk is only necessary if you've moved on to the girlfriend/boyfriend stage. During the dating stage you can just stop accepting invitations.

But if you're dating & exclusive, doesn't that mean you're in the gf/bf stage?

No - it still means you're casually dating, just only one person at a time. And I would think that if you went on two fairly casual dates with someone, and decided that they weren't for you and you didn't want to go on any more dates with them, that you would a) not issue any invitations yourself, and b) have a mini breakup talk after the second date or when a third date was proposed - eg. No thanks, I don't think this is working out.

jedikaiti

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Re: Etiquette of defining exclusivity- a spinoff
« Reply #140 on: April 30, 2014, 07:01:44 PM »
I think we have our difference - to me, exclusivity implies a more serious relationship than casual dating.
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LifeOnPluto

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Re: Etiquette of defining exclusivity- a spinoff
« Reply #141 on: April 30, 2014, 11:10:24 PM »
This may have been answered before but if you are european exclusive (for lack of a better term) and only dating one person from the outset, do you have to break up with them as well?  Like have a break up talk?  In America (for me at least) if I go on a date with Joe-Bob and either of us could also be dating someone else because we haven't had "the talk", I can just not go out on further dates with Joe-Bob if I am not feeling it with him.

No, the break up talk is only necessary if you've moved on to the girlfriend/boyfriend stage. During the dating stage you can just stop accepting invitations.

But if you're dating & exclusive, doesn't that mean you're in the gf/bf stage?

Nope. As mentioned in my last post, there are two different type of "exclusive":

1. dating one person at a time exclusive. You're still "single" but just not dating anyone else; and

2. Boyfriend/girlfriend exclusive. You define yourselves as a couple, introduce each other as "my bf/gf", attend events as a social unit, etc.

For definition #1, you don't need to have The Breakup Talk. You just stop issuing/accepting invitations. For definition #2, you definitely need to break up formally.


MariaE

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Re: Etiquette of defining exclusivity- a spinoff
« Reply #142 on: May 01, 2014, 12:59:32 AM »
^^^ What CakeEater and LifeOnPluto said. It's still casual dating, it's just casually dating one person at a time. There's no serious commitment just because it's "exclusive".
 
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marcel

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Re: Etiquette of defining exclusivity- a spinoff
« Reply #143 on: May 01, 2014, 07:28:59 AM »
This may have been answered before but if you are european exclusive (for lack of a better term) and only dating one person from the outset, do you have to break up with them as well?  Like have a break up talk?  In America (for me at least) if I go on a date with Joe-Bob and either of us could also be dating someone else because we haven't had "the talk", I can just not go out on further dates with Joe-Bob if I am not feeling it with him.
I think the part about for lack of a better term, get's to the hard of the issue here.

There is no term, and people do not talk about exclusivity because, dating is an exclusive matter. It is simply bad form to date multiple people at the same time, you go on one or more dates with someone and if it doesn't work out, you stop dating. The latter needs to be expressed, but I think the same goes for the US.

"the talk" as Americans like to say it, doesn't really exist, or not in the way it does for Americans. You are dating a person therefore, in normal circumstances, this person is not dating anyone else. After a number of dates, a certain level of intimacy, for me this includes feeling at home in the other person house, it is clear that there is more then just datinbg and you are in a relationship. By already having the implied exclusivity, ;ess of a formal talk about a relationship os necesary.

Off course there are exceptions, but situations where you are seeing others, do in general need to be discussed.
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blarg314

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Re: Etiquette of defining exclusivity- a spinoff
« Reply #144 on: May 01, 2014, 11:59:28 PM »

There is no term, and people do not talk about exclusivity because, dating is an exclusive matter. It is simply bad form to date multiple people at the same time, you go on one or more dates with someone and if it doesn't work out, you stop dating.

"the talk" as Americans like to say it, doesn't really exist, or not in the way it does for Americans.

See, I think the first of these is the point people are disagreeing on.

Many people people prefer to date one person at a time. I'm one of them - I found I didn't have the time or mental energy to do more. But I don't think there is anything wrong with seeing multiple people in the early stages of dating, and then getting exclusive when you realize you've found someone who fits well.

And I do think "the talk" does exist, and needs to exist. Not everyone has it - it's quite common for two people to be mutually interested and turn out to have the same idea about where the relationship is going. But telling someone after a few dates that you're not interested in them is having the talk.

But I've also seen enough cases where not having the talk backfired - Person A assumed that because they've been on X number of dates, or because they played Scrabble they were an exclusive couple, and then got hurt when they found out that their date didn't agree - they thought they were dating casually, or just getting to know each other, or that they were friends with benefits, or it was just a drunken hookup and didn't mean anything.

I've personally been in a situation where someone had invented a romantic relationship out of thin air from a purely platonic friendship. No physical intimacy, not even hand-holding, no romantic dinners, paying our own way, but they came to the conclusion that we were a couple and told *other* people this, without talking about it with me.

Another Sarah

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Re: Etiquette of defining exclusivity- a spinoff
« Reply #145 on: May 02, 2014, 04:54:24 AM »

There is no term, and people do not talk about exclusivity because, dating is an exclusive matter. It is simply bad form to date multiple people at the same time, you go on one or more dates with someone and if it doesn't work out, you stop dating.

"the talk" as Americans like to say it, doesn't really exist, or not in the way it does for Americans.

See, I think the first of these is the point people are disagreeing on.

Many people people prefer to date one person at a time. I'm one of them - I found I didn't have the time or mental energy to do more. But I don't think there is anything wrong with seeing multiple people in the early stages of dating, and then getting exclusive when you realize you've found someone who fits well.

And I do think "the talk" does exist, and needs to exist. Not everyone has it - it's quite common for two people to be mutually interested and turn out to have the same idea about where the relationship is going. But telling someone after a few dates that you're not interested in them is having the talk.

But I've also seen enough cases where not having the talk backfired - Person A assumed that because they've been on X number of dates, or because they played Scrabble they were an exclusive couple, and then got hurt when they found out that their date didn't agree - they thought they were dating casually, or just getting to know each other, or that they were friends with benefits, or it was just a drunken hookup and didn't mean anything.

I've personally been in a situation where someone had invented a romantic relationship out of thin air from a purely platonic friendship. No physical intimacy, not even hand-holding, no romantic dinners, paying our own way, but they came to the conclusion that we were a couple and told *other* people this, without talking about it with me.

I think Marcel was talking specifically about Europe

siamesecat2965

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Re: Etiquette of defining exclusivity- a spinoff
« Reply #146 on: May 02, 2014, 01:04:27 PM »
I agree with a lot of what’s been said here. Mainly that different people have different ideas about everything, including the nature of any r@lationship you might have. So if you want exclusivity, you need to bring it up and have a discussion about it. And then be prepared to accept whatever the other person’s views are on the subject. Never make any assumption about what the other person is thinking or feeling.

I know for me, it really depends on the nature of things. How often have we seen each other, how far have things progressed, are we in contact constantly, say if we can’t actually see each other that often, things like that. And I also get a feeling about how the other person feels as well. As I’ve been single (by choice) for a number of years, I know and have said repeatedly, I’d have to be really comfortable with someone before even thinking about becoming exclusive, and four dates sure isn’t it.

That being said, I’ve known people who met, clicked immediately, moved in together within days, and are still together. So not to say it never happens, but I think what it really comes down to is communication of expectations between both people.

I’m seeing this now with a friend. She’s been doing online dating for a couple of months, not much longer than that. Had some read duds, and now has met someone she really likes and claims to have “clicked” with. But they’ve been on only two “dates” and the second one she went to his place and spent the night, so we all know what happened (she told me so I DO know). She however, is talking like he is “the one” and has suspended her dating profiles on both sites she’s on, and putting all her eggs into this one basket. Me? I’m much more cautious, and perhaps a bit cynical and not as “trusting” but after such a short time, even though I may have hit it off with someone really well, and been “scrabble attracted” to them, it doesn’t mean and I wouldn’t think we are exclusive, nor that I need to actually act on the “scrabble attraction” part. just because you want something doesn't always mean its a good idea to act upon that want.

jazzgirl205

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Re: Etiquette of defining exclusivity- a spinoff
« Reply #147 on: May 03, 2014, 03:01:41 PM »
When I dated in the 80s, I felt that fidelity should only be expected if the couple was married or engaged.  I dated the guy who asked me that week no matter how I felt about someone else.  Then again, I wasn't having sex with these young men either.  dating exclusively with no intention of commitment seemed wrong to me.  Not dating exclusively meant that a man could not take me for granted, that he had to decide what he wanted out of the relationship.
Most of the men I dated knew each other therefore knew with whom I would be dining on a particular Saturday night.  I was a skinny, large breasted blonde who was attracted to nerds.  Hey, they were most mostly attractive, very intelligent, and did not date with a sense of entitlement.  They wore a suit and tie, were perfect gentlemen, and seemed to enjoy what I had to say.  I am still friends with many of these men.  They are wonderful husbands and fathers.  I got 5 marriage proposals before I graduated college.  These young men helped me realize what kind of personality best suited me and what to expect of a gentleman. 

blarg314

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Re: Etiquette of defining exclusivity- a spinoff
« Reply #148 on: May 03, 2014, 09:33:00 PM »

I think Marcel was talking specifically about Europe

I've got good stories about Europeans too. One of the most extreme - a friend who took a leave of absence from her studies to move to a neighbouring country for a promising relationship, only to discover that what she assumed was a serious exclusive relationship, he was looking at as a girl in city X to have fun with when he was there on business, and to flirt with on line.



marcel

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Re: Etiquette of defining exclusivity- a spinoff
« Reply #149 on: May 04, 2014, 09:36:29 AM »

I think Marcel was talking specifically about Europe

I've got good stories about Europeans too. One of the most extreme - a friend who took a leave of absence from her studies to move to a neighbouring country for a promising relationship, only to discover that what she assumed was a serious exclusive relationship, he was looking at as a girl in city X to have fun with when he was there on business, and to flirt with on line.
I have that one as well, but we talked about things, so we know where we stand. We decided that since neither of us wants to move 3000 kilometres, we will never get a serious relationship so can flirt online, and be a bit more when seeing each other at events, parties or on visits to eachothers country. to do this without discussing it is a different matter though, and not acceptable in my opinion.
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