Author Topic: Rude to pick at food?  (Read 15414 times)

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LadyJaneinMD

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Re: Rude to pick at food?
« Reply #60 on: April 23, 2014, 02:14:00 PM »
Wolfie, I totally understand the OP's issue here.  She's justifiably upset because the BIL ruined the aesthetic of her cupcakes with malicious intent when she had already told him not to.

I would solve this problem by simply never making anything for a gathering where BIL would be again. And 'D'H who joined in the laughter? Would be getting the hairy eyeball from me all the way home until he apologized. Or he too would never get a nice yummy homemade cupcake again. It'd be Cakewrecks-style from then on out.

That's my feeling.

As to an earlier question if I had purchased them from a bakery I would still be angry because that would also have been wasteful.  Maybe a little less insulting, but not much.

POD to the max.   No more wasting time on fancy food that BIL is going to destroy anyway,and DH will laugh with him about.   Oh, that brings up such horrible memories in me.....  I'm furious on your behalf.

wolfie

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Re: Rude to pick at food?
« Reply #61 on: April 23, 2014, 02:20:02 PM »
Wolfie, I totally understand the OP's issue here.  She's justifiably upset because the BIL ruined the aesthetic of her cupcakes with malicious intent when she had already told him not to.

I would solve this problem by simply never making anything for a gathering where BIL would be again. And 'D'H who joined in the laughter? Would be getting the hairy eyeball from me all the way home until he apologized. Or he too would never get a nice yummy homemade cupcake again. It'd be Cakewrecks-style from then on out.

That's my feeling.

As to an earlier question if I had purchased them from a bakery I would still be angry because that would also have been wasteful.  Maybe a little less insulting, but not much.

I understand why she is upset, I am just saying that as an observer a lot of the suggestions in this thread will reflect much more badly on her then on him. If I was at an event and that happened I would understand here being upset and sympathize with her. But if she grabs all the cakes and toss them my sympathy would quickly dry up. And the same if she tried to make him eat them all because he touched them. 

Ultimately I would suggest not baking things for event he is at anymore. and then to let it go - because this has a potential to backfire on her more then it does on him.

Venus193

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Re: Rude to pick at food?
« Reply #62 on: April 23, 2014, 02:41:44 PM »
That speaks of the future but we're Monday Morning Quarterbacking here.  What should she have done?

wolfie

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Re: Rude to pick at food?
« Reply #63 on: April 23, 2014, 02:44:34 PM »
That speaks of the future but we're Monday Morning Quarterbacking here.  What should she have done?

Told him that he should have said something - she had extra licorice handles and please don't pick things off the cupcakes. and then dropped it. Because he isn't going to take anything else seriously and most other reaction will just make her look bad.

Girlie

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Re: Rude to pick at food?
« Reply #64 on: April 23, 2014, 02:46:16 PM »
I'm going to chime in here and say that I don't think OP overreacted by throwing them away. Some people - myself included - get the squicks if someone spends too much time hovering over my food. I'm good about making allowances for waitstaff and whatnot, but for someone to stand over a plate of cupcakes eating the licorice? No thank you. I wouldn't be having one, and I would be disappointed by the muncher's behavior.

Eating one was thoughtless - some people simply don't have the same reactions to these types of things that I and other people do. But to go back and eat most of them - when you know that there are people (especially the baker herself!) who do care, very much, about it - that's bully behavior. He was trying to get some sort of rise out of OP, and he wasn't as successful as he hoped to be.
The truth is, crying probably would have given him something to laugh about for years to come - "She was crying over cupcakes!" and fussing would have given him something to laugh about, too - "She was pitching a fit about cupcakes!" The truth is, it has little to do with the actual cupcakes and everything to do with his selfish, boorish behavior.
My favorite comeback for a situation like this is to cross my arms, lean back against something, and just stare at the offending person. I try to keep all expression off my face. I don't say anything. If I'm asked a question, I respond with monosyllabic answers. It tends to make them very uncomfortable, isn't all that rude, and keeps them from being able to say very much about my reaction. I sometimes get the reputation as being very serious and not having a good sense of humor - but I don't often get messed with, either.

TootsNYC

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Re: Rude to pick at food?
« Reply #65 on: April 23, 2014, 04:21:35 PM »
That speaks of the future but we're Monday Morning Quarterbacking here.  What should she have done?

I think she did exactly what she should have done.

And I agree w/ wolfie--from a "public relations strategy" point of view, many of the other suggested actions would have been a miscalculation.


I also think she could have a conversation with her DH to explain how disrespectful this is, and to say, "I want you to back me up. I'd actually like you to call your brother and say, 'Hey, remember the cupcakes? I've been thinking, and that wasn't cool. Not at all. My wife put a lot of time and caring into those, and you knew she didn't want you messing with them. I shouldn't have laughed, and you shouldn't have done it. Just want you to know.' "



I'm going to chime in here and say that I don't think OP overreacted by throwing them away.
(Note: She did not throw them away, FYI. She just stopped replacing the handles.)

padua

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Re: Rude to pick at food?
« Reply #66 on: April 23, 2014, 04:46:39 PM »
I get the feeling that BIL can pick off the handles without touching any of the rest of the cupcakes.

Honestly if I was a bystander here I would be rolling my eyes at the BIL for doing it, and also rolling my eyes and thinking the OP overreacted if she took all the cupcakes and threw them in the garbage. Probably more rolling for the OP then the BIL if that was the reaction. If he can pick the stuff off without touching the rest of the cupcakes then it wouldn't bother me that much - especially since I don't like licorice and would have tossed it anyway. I would think he was childish and immature but that would be that. So if the OP reacts in a grand way then I would start thinking of her as childish and immature too. I would say that a simple "don't do that" to the BIL and then dropping it would be much more effective for everyone else. Let's face it - you aren't going to change BIL - all you can do is make sure that people remember him badly and not "do you remember when OP blew up at easter that year?"

i'm going to agree with this and really go against the grain here. my family is equally bad with this sort of thing. my dad's way of thinking is 'we're all related anyway, so what's a few germs among family?' so he picks at food at family gatherings that he doesn't elsewhere. as a matter of fact, so does my brother. and my mom. my sister-in-law may have been weirded out by this, but then she's living with my brother. so while it may be rude and a bit gross, it also might just be family dynamics. i totally don't want to excuse this behavior (as i would have had my feelings hurt in a similar situation), but DH may be laughing because that's just what they do at family gatherings.

Hillia

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Re: Rude to pick at food?
« Reply #67 on: April 23, 2014, 04:58:40 PM »
It's not just the squick factor, which may or may not apply, but also the fact that the OP spent time and effort making cute, themed cupcakes, and he couldn't even let people enjoy them and appreciate the effort before ruining the effect by picking at them.  It's the same as if someone took a nice clean knife and smeared the frosting of a carefully decorated cake - the food may not be inedible (depending on your level of squeamishness) but the effect is ruined, and the effort wasted.

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TootsNYC

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Re: Rude to pick at food?
« Reply #68 on: April 23, 2014, 05:17:55 PM »
...Everyone complimented how cute they were and FIL seemed pleased that I went to the effort.

So everyone did get to see them.

Quote
...Dessert had been set out but before my MIL gave the green light to her grandchildren to dig in, one of my BIL's took one of the licorice handles off one of the cupcakes to eat. He left the rest of the cupcake on the tray.

He first did it to only one, so everyone still had the other pretty cupcakes to look at.

Quote
The grandkids were then told by MIL they could dig in and so they did. About 20 minutes later, I looked over at the cupcakes and noticed that all the licorice handles on the remaining cupcakes save for one were gone,

He would probably argue that everyone got a chance to see them all.

(But he was still rude.)


artk2002

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Re: Rude to pick at food?
« Reply #69 on: April 23, 2014, 05:48:08 PM »
To me, it doesn't matter if everyone saw them or not. The creator, OP, asked him to not do that and he deliberately did it again. Doing once was mildly rude, any child older than about 5 should know that you don't touch a cupcake unless you are planning on eating the whole thing. Doing again simply to get a rise out of the OP was extremely rude; I know that people balk at the word, but it's approaching bullying. It shows that he has the upper hand socially and sadly, her DH went along with that.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bow lines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. -Mark Twain

TootsNYC

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Re: Rude to pick at food?
« Reply #70 on: April 23, 2014, 05:51:08 PM »
(I agree w/ you, Art.)

ladyknight1

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Re: Rude to pick at food?
« Reply #71 on: April 23, 2014, 06:32:45 PM »
Very childish behavior from BIL and I would have taken him aside to say something after the first and put the rest away or handed them out when he went back over to them.

OP, have you talked to your DH about this?

sammycat

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Re: Rude to pick at food?
« Reply #72 on: April 23, 2014, 06:55:33 PM »
To me, it doesn't matter if everyone saw them or not. The creator, OP, asked him to not do that and he deliberately did it again. Doing once was mildly rude, any child older than about 5 should know that you don't touch a cupcake unless you are planning on eating the whole thing. Doing again simply to get a rise out of the OP was extremely rude; I know that people balk at the word, but it's approaching bullying. It shows that he has the upper hand socially and sadly, her DH went along with that.

I agree.

MommyPenguin

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Re: Rude to pick at food?
« Reply #73 on: April 24, 2014, 03:52:50 PM »
To me, it doesn't matter if everyone saw them or not. The creator, OP, asked him to not do that and he deliberately did it again. Doing once was mildly rude, any child older than about 5 should know that you don't touch a cupcake unless you are planning on eating the whole thing. Doing again simply to get a rise out of the OP was extremely rude; I know that people balk at the word, but it's approaching bullying. It shows that he has the upper hand socially and sadly, her DH went along with that.

I agree.

I also agree.

And to bring up the metaphor somebody else gave a few posts ago, would it be reasonable if somebody had brought a decorated cake, everybody got to ooh and aah over it, and then later in the evening, the BIL took a nice clean knife and swiped a big chunk of the picture off the remaining cupcakes?  Possibly to eat, possibly because he was just malicious?  It seems somewhat comparable to me.

mime

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Re: Rude to pick at food?
« Reply #74 on: April 24, 2014, 04:50:31 PM »
OP: in this family, if a 3-year old or a 7-year old had taken the licorice off all of the cupcakes, how would the family have reacted?

Would they laugh because it's sooooo cute?
Would there be some sort of consequences?
Would the child's parent be angry, embarassed, or amused?

I'm curious to know if this is tolerated for anyone who should know better.

I think in the moment I would have reacted by saying to BIL "So you've just been picking an poking at everyone else's desserts?" and say it with a face that expresses that I think he's pretty gross. I suppose he'd probably still laugh at me, but at least I would have expressed what I thought of his behavior.