Rude to pick at food?

[MommyPenguin]

I think analyzing out loud might work:

"BIL, I'm finding that I'm upset when you pick at the decorations. And I wonder why you're doing it, and why my reaction is so strong. Is it a power dynamic? That you're showing that you get to do whatever you want, and you're enjoying demonstrating that you have more social power than I do?"

I can do this for hours.

I like this idea.  It's basically calling the other person out by putting into words what they're trying to do subtly with their actions.  It works for *so* many circumstances.

[Twik]

I think analyzing out loud might work:

"BIL, I'm finding that I'm upset when you pick at the decorations. And I wonder why you're doing it, and why my reaction is so strong. Is it a power dynamic? That you're showing that you get to do whatever you want, and you're enjoying demonstrating that you have more social power than I do?"

I can do this for hours.

So, he smirks and says, "Yeah, I do." What do you do then?

Not that I don't think you're right about his motives. Just that he sounds like the sort of person who won't be abashed by having them called out.

[GratefulMaria]

I think analyzing out loud might work:

"BIL, I'm finding that I'm upset when you pick at the decorations. And I wonder why you're doing it, and why my reaction is so strong. Is it a power dynamic? That you're showing that you get to do whatever you want, and you're enjoying demonstrating that you have more social power than I do?"

I can do this for hours.

So, he smirks and says, "Yeah, I do." What do you do then?

Not that I don't think you're right about his motives. Just that he sounds like the sort of person who won't be abashed by having them called out.

I've been around people who've bragged about using their social power on others.  I tilted my head, looked at the person a moment, and calmly said, "Hmm, I'll have to keep that in mind."  And it's harder with family, but there are civil ways to make it clear that you consider your opinion of a person much more important than their opinion of you.

[Shalamar]

This reminds me of one Thanksgiving at my in-laws' place.  MIL had made several pumpkin pies and had left them on the counter to cool.   They looked terrific.  A couple of hours later, I glanced at the pies and was dismayed to see that someone had picked off all of the crust that hangs over the edge, so they all had a very ragged appearance.

Turned out that SIL - who was in her mid-20's at the time - was the culprit.  When confronted, she said defensively "The crust is my favorite part!"  Yes, and it's MY favorite part, too!  Not to mention the fact that she'd had her grubby hands all over each pie.  Yuck.

[Otterpop]

This reminds me of one Thanksgiving at my in-laws' place.  MIL had made several pumpkin pies and had left them on the counter to cool.   They looked terrific.  A couple of hours later, I glanced at the pies and was dismayed to see that someone had picked off all of the crust that hangs over the edge, so they all had a very ragged appearance.

Turned out that SIL - who was in her mid-20's at the time - was the culprit.  When confronted, she said defensively "The crust is my favorite part!"  Yes, and it's MY favorite part, too!  Not to mention the fact that she'd had her grubby hands all over each pie.  Yuck.

Whoa, mid-20s?!  Grade schoolers know better.  Did anyone vocalize your thoughts and what was her reaction?

[Shalamar]

Her mother (my MIL) didn't say squat.   I think her sister said mildly "You picked off all the crust?", thus leading to the "it's my favorite part!" retort.   So, no, no-one gave her the heck she deserved.

That girl had always been a princess.   Her behavior that day didn't surprise me, sad to say.

[ladyknight1]

Why don't these "pickers" just pick on their own serving and not the whole dessert?

[TeamBhakta]

If someone picks apart your dish, you should quietly toss it in the garbage and then announce at dessert time "Well, DH & I will be leaving now to eat ice cream sundaes at Bonnie's Ice Cream Parlor. I had brought a platter of chocolate cupcakes for everyone, but Cousin Fred stuck his finger in each cupcake & they had to be thrown out." 

[Mental Magpie]

I think analyzing out loud might work:

"BIL, I'm finding that I'm upset when you pick at the decorations. And I wonder why you're doing it, and why my reaction is so strong. Is it a power dynamic? That you're showing that you get to do whatever you want, and you're enjoying demonstrating that you have more social power than I do?"

I can do this for hours.

So, he smirks and says, "Yeah, I do." What do you do then?

Not that I don't think you're right about his motives. Just that he sounds like the sort of person who won't be abashed by having them called out.

This is where my mastery comes in.  Sorry to chime in late, but I've been reading this thread without commenting.

"Hmmm, I thought so.  That's so sad," with a slight, pitying shake of the head.  Then bean dip.

[LeveeWoman]

Why don't these "pickers" just pick on their own serving and not the whole dessert?

Because they're clueless twits who are incapable of thinking of anyone or anything beyond their lives.

[violinp]

Why don't these "pickers" just pick on their own serving and not the whole dessert?

Because they're clueless twits who are incapable of thinking of anyone or anything beyond their lives.

My dad has a saying about people like that: "There are people who would steal dog leavings off a sidewalk if they thought it would make someone upset." It's kinda gross, but true; there will always be people who do and say mean things just for the sheer thrill of upsetting others.

[LifeOnPluto]

Evil!LifeOnPluto would have been tempted to pick at HIS food. Eg, swiping the pickle off his hamburger or something.

But seriously, I would have taken a tone of incredulity and disgust. I would have point blank said to him "Seriously mate? You picked the licorice off nearly all the cupcakes? Why would you choose to ruin them for everyone else?"

I'm guessing he'd probably respond defensively with something like "But licorice is my favourite!" To which I'd reply "Yes, but other people like licorice too. Why would you take that away from them? Why would you spoil things for everyone else?"

In other words, I'd put him on the spot, and make him aware that his actions were selfish.

[sammycat]

Evil!LifeOnPluto would have been tempted to pick at HIS food. Eg, swiping the pickle off his hamburger or something.

But seriously, I would have taken a tone of incredulity and disgust. I would have point blank said to him "Seriously mate? You picked the licorice off nearly all the cupcakes? Why would you choose to ruin them for everyone else?"

I'm guessing he'd probably respond defensively with something like "But licorice is my favourite!" To which I'd reply "Yes, but other people like licorice too. Why would you take that away from them? Why would you spoil things for everyone else?"

In other words, I'd put him on the spot, and make him aware that his actions were selfish.

Sounds like something I'd say too. It's not rude, and it gets to the point.

[Cheapie]

I wanted to chime in on this one.  Just because the OP thought the BIL was taking only the licorice, doesn't mean he didn't possibly touch other parts of the cupcake(s).  I don't get too icked out by germs (in my own house with my own immediate family), but if I had been present at that gathering, I would have made a point of backing the OP up by excusing myself and my kids from having the dessert and, hopefully, would have been able to explain it her afterwards.  Sometimes the point sinks in better when there is a 'crowd' making it.

As for the DH, maybe he would understand how the OP feels if she were to (hypothetically) pick the onions and mushrooms off his steak or the yummy, crunchy crust off his baked chicken.  This behavior could be used on any number of foods, not just desserts.  Maybe using wetter foods as an example would drive the point home to the DH about how rude and unsanitary and just plain yucky it is to do such a thing.

[VorFemme]

If the cupcakes were in the OP's home and ONLY her spouse & minor children residing in the same household were handling them (and she knew that everyone had washed their hands before handling them) - I'd say that the cupcakes were fine.  Although some minor children might be getting a short lesson in food handling for safety and to protect the work of someone who went the extra mile to make the food look REALLY good as well as delicious. 

BIL is not someone the OP is in close contact with, does not reside in the same household (and at least theoretically share more than 99% of the same microbiological flora & fauna), and she has no idea how good he is about washing his hands before handling other people's food. 

I would refuse to ever do anything fancy for an event where the host & hostess allow a "gift" to be despoiled by a spoilt brat (of any age or gender) and I would double never make anything that required extra effort for an event with BIL in attendance.  Because it sounds, to my inner Jane Goodall, as if he is trying to be the alpha primate & handle everything before anyone else gets to handle/eat it.  I'm wondering why his father puts up with it - but if it's something his mother has been letting him get away with since he was two, then his father & brother may just be burned out on trying to keep him from "touching" everything - as long as he washes his hands & doesn't LICK it.

But he's not winning friends and influencing people if he's doing it at home (bad example to any of his own kids) and at work....