Friend's wife is a bit strange

[SamiHami]

Does Mrs. Donny come from a culture/background where women don't socialise with men?  I just wonder because she seemed very keen to shut down the conversation with Brother and I was wondering if it was personal or just because he was a man.

No, not at all. She talks to the men in our social group just fine. And Donny is her 3rd husband, so I I don't think shyness has anything to do with it. She is also a strikingly beautiful woman. I have no doubt at all that she's used to attention from males.

[GrammarNerd]

OP, I would say that she gaslighted you.  (I won't get into what the brother said, b/c that was rude in a public setting, but the greater issue here is Mrs. Donny denying the content of many previous conversations.)

I know someone like this.  Things would come up in conversation....all part of the 'getting to know you' thing.  You remember things about people that might come up in future conversations.  This type of thing has happened more than once with her.  Sure, they were minor things, but when you're told one thing, and then the person in question does an about-face and denies what she told you previously, it makes me kinda mad even if the things are minor.  I mean, for something SO minor, why not just tell the truth?  I mean, one time one of her things was that she couldn't wear flip-flops that go between the toes.  She went on and on about it, in great detail, about how she couldn't wear that style and it was so hard to find the other kinds of shoes and how she wished she could find more in that style, etc.  So then guess what?  I see her wearing flip flops that go between her toes.  I never said anything b/c it really wasn't worth it, but it was just another case of me realizing that I couldn't believe what she said.  There were other times when it was a similar situation to what was in the OP, where there were other people involved, and I was made to look like a fool. 

If I was the OP, I would be very tempted to play dumb and ask Mrs Donny about her plans for the party, how she came up with the idea, etc.  Then, if she makes any comments about her being from that area, then I would act confused, b/c she told me point blank in front of my brother that she was NOT from that country.  Let her squirm her way out of it.  Of course, I couldn't do it at the party, but believe me, I would want some sort of explanation for her making me look like a liar and feel like fool.  And I would also be tempted to turn it around on her, and ask HER why SHE lied, because obviously she did, because she told you two dramatically different stories at different points in time.

I would really steer clear of her.

[pierrotlunaire0]

Personally, I would try to keep Mrs. Donny at arm's length.  Perhaps she didn't want to discuss her country of origin with your brother or not at that moment, but how were you supposed to know that?

She's just a little too .....um, something, for my taste.  Someone above suggested that like a friend of hers, Mrs. Donny's statements of reality change with the weather, and maybe that is true here.

[bah12]

I think how you act around her is how you act around anyone that you don't exactly get along with but is tied to someone that you want to maintain a relationship with...you treat her kindly and respectfully.  You don't have to be her best friend, but continue to be pleasant.

I don't think there's anything wrong with saying she's from a country you and your brother lived in as a way to facilitate conversation between them (I'm assuming here that the when she told you she was from there, that you also connected that you had once lived there...how did she act then?). 

I don't think it was polite for your brother to accuse you of lying to him...especially in front of her.  A better response would have been "Oh, I thought my sister said you were from there.  I must be mistaken."  And a better response for you would have been "Oh, I thought you said previously you were from there. I must be mistaken."  I agree it was rude for you to talk about her as if she weren't there in front of her.  And I think insulting to say "She IS from there" when she just said she wasn't. (Regardless of what she said beforehand).

And her acting like nothing had happened the next time she say you, was the correct response on her part.

Not everything and everyone can be explained.  Who knows why she said she was from there once and then denied it the second time.  There may be a legitimate reason and there may not be.  I don't think it matters if she lied, when she lied, how stangely or not she acted...the response from you needs to be the same.  Don't argue with her, don't talk about her as if she isn't there, and be nice.  It's all you can do.

[veronaz]

And her acting like nothing had happened the next time she say you, was the correct response on her part.

Yeah, I think Donny’s wife did that (was a bit effusive) because she remembered the last time they saw each other there had been an awkward scene.  She wanted to make sure everything was ‘okay’.

[Otterpop]

And her acting like nothing had happened the next time she say you, was the correct response on her part.

Yeah, I think Donny’s wife did that (was a bit effusive) because she remembered the last time they saw each other there had been an awkward scene.  She wanted to make sure everything was ‘okay’.

Or, she's twisted, and got off on the drama and confusion that her gaslighting caused.  Acting like nothing happened is her little "victory dance."  Given her current circumstance and history (beautiful woman on 3rd drama filled marriage, cringing husband, gaslighting acquaintances) I'd say OP is in for more of her game playing unless she steers clear.

Seriously, once you meet this type of person, you never forget and can spot them a mile away.  Posters who've said as much are well aware too.    Sorry to harp on this OP but there is danger in getting closer to a warped person like this.  If she's not this type of flawed, I'll eat my hat.

Only way to tell is further experience, unfortunately.  Good luck and polite observation!  Report back please 

[CrazyDaffodilLady]

My guess is that Mrs. Donny was angry with Donny and is too selfish and emotionally immature to play nice in front of his friends.  In fact, she may see it as an opportunity to embarrass and control him.

I had a boyfriend (not for long) who created awkwardness whenever we were with my friends or relatives.  This is one way that emotionally abusive people isolate their SOs from the people who love and support them.

[lowspark]

Well, thinking back Mrs. Donny has seemed a bit of an odd duck since meeting her. I don't think that's a terrible thing at all, but socially she seems off a bit. She does seem to go back and forth between effusive and bubbly to sullen and withdrawn.

I was actually trying to be nice to Donny by inviting them along that evening. He seems to really want to socialize with DH and myself and our schedules don't often allow for that. It worked out that evening so everything seemed great!

From here forward I will be polite and friendly but that is as far as it will go. I will not apologize to her; I think at most she and I both misstepped-her for lying and thereby creating an awkward situation, and me for not responding with more grace. I will not bring up the topic with her in the future and as far as I am concerned, it is over.

As a final note, Donny's birthday is later this month. She is throwing him a party. The theme? Her culture-the food, decorations, music. All from the culture she was born and raised in, and denied that evening at dinner. We are going to the party, and I will report back if anything interesting occurs.

The bolded was what I was going to suggest. I probably wouldn't say much to her beyond the normal pleasantries and I certainly wouldn't go out of my way to include her (or the two of them) in any social events.

I agree that you could have handled it better at the time but I also can see both you and your brother being caught totally off guard and reacting without thinking. But her denial of the fact that she was born in X country when you know good and well that she was is beyond weird. Which is why I think it's best to just back off as much as possible.

[SamiHami]

My guess is that Mrs. Donny was angry with Donny and is too selfish and emotionally immature to play nice in front of his friends.  In fact, she may see it as an opportunity to embarrass and control him.

I had a boyfriend (not for long) who created awkwardness whenever we were with my friends or relatives.  This is one way that emotionally abusive people isolate their SOs from the people who love and support them.

You know, you might be onto something there. She has demonstrated some fairly immature behavior in the past. This might just be part of all that. And she does seem pretty manipulative with Donny (I know that no one really knows what goes on in someone else's marriage. This is the impression I get from my interactions/observations with them).

[bah12]

And her acting like nothing had happened the next time she say you, was the correct response on her part.

Yeah, I think Donny’s wife did that (was a bit effusive) because she remembered the last time they saw each other there had been an awkward scene.  She wanted to make sure everything was ‘okay’.

Or, she's twisted, and got off on the drama and confusion that her gaslighting caused.  Acting like nothing happened is her little "victory dance."  Given her current circumstance and history (beautiful woman on 3rd drama filled marriage, cringing husband, gaslighting acquaintances) I'd say OP is in for more of her game playing unless she steers clear.

Seriously, once you meet this type of person, you never forget and can spot them a mile away.  Posters who've said as much are well aware too.    Sorry to harp on this OP but there is danger in getting closer to a warped person like this.  If she's not this type of flawed, I'll eat my hat.

Only way to tell is further experience, unfortunately.  Good luck and polite observation!  Report back please 

My guess is that Mrs. Donny was angry with Donny and is too selfish and emotionally immature to play nice in front of his friends.  In fact, she may see it as an opportunity to embarrass and control him.
I had a boyfriend (not for long) who created awkwardness whenever we were with my friends or relatives.  This is one way that emotionally abusive people isolate their SOs from the people who love and support them.

Are statements like these helpful?  Besides it being blatently unfair to assign such egregious motivations to someone based off of one statement in an OP, I'm not sure how convincing the OP that this woman is so horrible is actually good advice.   So, she lied about where she was from or not from or whatever. Don't forget the OP was rude too.  So, instead of saying "Ok, she acted like that awkwardness from before didn't happen, at least she's not dwelling on it", we're going to convince her that it's some evil plot to further make fun of the OP?

This is her friend's wife.  Assuming she still wants to maintain her friendship with Donny, she kind of has to figure out a way to deal with his wife every now and then.  And statements like this don't help. 

[TootsNYC]

I agree with bah12. So nicely said.

[SamiHami]

Bah12 and TootsNYC, I don't think it's all that helpful to berate other posters for putting their thoughts out there. That's why I started this thread; to get everyone's take on it. I don't really feel comfortable with you policing what other posters have to say. There are lots of differing opinions here and I'm finding all of them interesting and viewing them in light of my knowledge of Mrs. Donny. Please don't tell others what they should or shouldn't post. I think they all have valid things to say.

[cass2591]

No worries, thread locked because people don't heed previous warnings, or think the rules don't apply to them. They do.