Author Topic: How strong was DD's "no" for prom? update 102  (Read 19326 times)

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jedikaiti

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Re: How strong was DD's "no" for prom?
« Reply #60 on: April 21, 2014, 12:21:26 AM »
Glad to read the update. She said "no" very clearly (if not in those exact words). He didn't want to hear it so

1) Bought tickets after she said she wasn't going.
2) Texted her after she expressed zero enthusiasm or encoyragement .
3) When he couldn't ignore the "no" text, tried to use social parental pressure to get her to comply.

You are doing your daughter a favor by backing up her "no" and maybe him a favor by pointing out that this does not work. And maybe many other girls a favor.

If someone wants to go with you on a date they let you know. Like the article said agreements are clear and forceful and refusals are generally soft.

Not social, parental pressure. I am not sure which is worse, but regardless, he seems very immature.
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nuit93

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Re: How strong was DD's "no" for prom?
« Reply #61 on: April 21, 2014, 12:30:35 AM »
OP here, and I must say, this thread has given me a lot to think about!

I had not considered that he bought the tickets after she told him no.  Wow. 

And that link about Mythcommuniction- super Wow!!  DD is quiet, but strong.  That article was powerful.  I will not show it to her now, but will take her out for coffee soon and chat, about dating and how to say no for any situation, and about clear communication.

My offering restitution was when the mom was rambling how her son was so hurt and his future may be marred by this. So I was trying to get a feel of what she wanted- a refund?  a date?  me to play spy on my DD and find out what happened?  She wants DD to talk to her son.  It took her a while, but that is what she wanted. 

So, per her request,  >:D, DD will have a very brief and direct conversation/statement for Jay tomorrow, much like the ideas posted by others, something like-- "I told you I had a babysitting commitment, so why would you buy two tickets?  I am not going to prom.  Sorry if you misunderstood my NO means anything else but no, but I am going to class now.  I do not expect to have this conversation again.  Good bye."

Thanks, guys! 

My little girl is growing up.  Sometimes it does take a village!

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

Well, if he doesn't learn how to take no for an answer, his future will definitely be marred.

Hillia

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Re: How strong was DD's "no" for prom?
« Reply #62 on: April 21, 2014, 12:41:43 AM »
OP here, and I must say, this thread has given me a lot to think about!

I had not considered that he bought the tickets after she told him no.  Wow. 

And that link about Mythcommuniction- super Wow!!  DD is quiet, but strong.  That article was powerful.  I will not show it to her now, but will take her out for coffee soon and chat, about dating and how to say no for any situation, and about clear communication.

My offering restitution was when the mom was rambling how her son was so hurt and his future may be marred by this. So I was trying to get a feel of what she wanted- a refund?  a date?  me to play spy on my DD and find out what happened?  She wants DD to talk to her son.  It took her a while, but that is what she wanted. 

So, per her request,  >:D, DD will have a very brief and direct conversation/statement for Jay tomorrow, much like the ideas posted by others, something like-- "I told you I had a babysitting commitment, so why would you buy two tickets?  I am not going to prom.  Sorry if you misunderstood my NO means anything else but no, but I am going to class now.  I do not expect to have this conversation again.  Good bye."

Thanks, guys! 

My little girl is growing up.  Sometimes it does take a village!

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

Well, if he doesn't learn how to take no for an answer, his future will definitely be marred.

He'll certainly try to blame every future difficulty with women on this interaction. 

My story:  in 1979 I broke up with my first boyfriend...we were both 17 and had dated for less than a year.  It was no big dramatic thing;  I just realized he wasn't a very nice person and didn't want to be around him.  My breakup speech was along the lines of, 'we can still be friends.

Fast forward 45 years.  I am contacted on FB by Boyfriend's wife, also a high school classmate.  She told me that she had left him because of physical and emotional abuse.  He told her that he was 'unable to love anyone' because of the trauma I had inflicted on him when he was 17.  <eyeroll>

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PastryGoddess

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Re: How strong was DD's "no" for prom?
« Reply #63 on: April 21, 2014, 02:18:41 AM »
OP here, and I must say, this thread has given me a lot to think about!

I had not considered that he bought the tickets after she told him no.  Wow. 

And that link about Mythcommuniction- super Wow!!  DD is quiet, but strong.  That article was powerful.  I will not show it to her now, but will take her out for coffee soon and chat, about dating and how to say no for any situation, and about clear communication.

My offering restitution was when the mom was rambling how her son was so hurt and his future may be marred by this. So I was trying to get a feel of what she wanted- a refund?  a date?  me to play spy on my DD and find out what happened?  She wants DD to talk to her son.  It took her a while, but that is what she wanted. 

So, per her request,  >:D, DD will have a very brief and direct conversation/statement for Jay tomorrow, much like the ideas posted by others, something like-- "I told you I had a babysitting commitment, so why would you buy two tickets?  I am not going to prom.  Sorry if you misunderstood my NO means anything else but no, but I am going to class now.  I do not expect to have this conversation again.  Good bye."

Thanks, guys! 

My little girl is growing up.  Sometimes it does take a village!

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

Well, if he doesn't learn how to take no for an answer, his future will definitely be marred.

He'll certainly try to blame every future difficulty with women on this interaction. 

My story:  in 1979 I broke up with my first boyfriend...we were both 17 and had dated for less than a year.  It was no big dramatic thing;  I just realized he wasn't a very nice person and didn't want to be around him.  My breakup speech was along the lines of, 'we can still be friends.

Fast forward 45 years.  I am contacted on FB by Boyfriend's wife, also a high school classmate.  She told me that she had left him because of physical and emotional abuse.  He told her that he was 'unable to love anyone' because of the trauma I had inflicted on him when he was 17.  <eyeroll>

Oh lord!  My eyes would have rolled so hard they would have fallen out. 

nuit93

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Re: How strong was DD's "no" for prom?
« Reply #64 on: April 21, 2014, 02:33:55 AM »
OP here, and I must say, this thread has given me a lot to think about!

I had not considered that he bought the tickets after she told him no.  Wow. 

And that link about Mythcommuniction- super Wow!!  DD is quiet, but strong.  That article was powerful.  I will not show it to her now, but will take her out for coffee soon and chat, about dating and how to say no for any situation, and about clear communication.

My offering restitution was when the mom was rambling how her son was so hurt and his future may be marred by this. So I was trying to get a feel of what she wanted- a refund?  a date?  me to play spy on my DD and find out what happened?  She wants DD to talk to her son.  It took her a while, but that is what she wanted. 

So, per her request,  >:D, DD will have a very brief and direct conversation/statement for Jay tomorrow, much like the ideas posted by others, something like-- "I told you I had a babysitting commitment, so why would you buy two tickets?  I am not going to prom.  Sorry if you misunderstood my NO means anything else but no, but I am going to class now.  I do not expect to have this conversation again.  Good bye."

Thanks, guys! 

My little girl is growing up.  Sometimes it does take a village!

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

Well, if he doesn't learn how to take no for an answer, his future will definitely be marred.

He'll certainly try to blame every future difficulty with women on this interaction. 

My story:  in 1979 I broke up with my first boyfriend...we were both 17 and had dated for less than a year.  It was no big dramatic thing;  I just realized he wasn't a very nice person and didn't want to be around him.  My breakup speech was along the lines of, 'we can still be friends.

Fast forward 45 years.  I am contacted on FB by Boyfriend's wife, also a high school classmate.  She told me that she had left him because of physical and emotional abuse.  He told her that he was 'unable to love anyone' because of the trauma I had inflicted on him when he was 17.  <eyeroll>

Sounds like you dodged one heck of a bullet!

Kiwichick

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Re: How strong was DD's "no" for prom?
« Reply #65 on: April 21, 2014, 05:41:55 AM »
You should have cut the mother off as soon as she had the story out, told her that you would speak to your daughter and have her sort it out with Jay.  You shouldn't have let her ramble on nor offered any solution particularly since you didn't know your daughter's side of the story.

I think your daughter clearly said 'no' the first day.  Her 'okay' in response to 'let me know if you can go' didn't change her no.  I agree that you should be very clear with your daughter that none of Jay's upset is her fault.

I like what your daughter plans to say to Jay, there's no way he can mistake that!

Yvaine

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Re: How strong was DD's "no" for prom?
« Reply #66 on: April 21, 2014, 06:57:41 AM »
She thought her son's future would be marred by a girl not going to prom with him?  :o

Well, obviously it'll go on his Permanent Record(tm).  ;)

Piratelvr1121

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Re: How strong was DD's "no" for prom?
« Reply #67 on: April 21, 2014, 07:26:14 AM »
OP here, and I must say, this thread has given me a lot to think about!

I had not considered that he bought the tickets after she told him no.  Wow. 

And that link about Mythcommuniction- super Wow!!  DD is quiet, but strong.  That article was powerful.  I will not show it to her now, but will take her out for coffee soon and chat, about dating and how to say no for any situation, and about clear communication.

My offering restitution was when the mom was rambling how her son was so hurt and his future may be marred by this. So I was trying to get a feel of what she wanted- a refund?  a date?  me to play spy on my DD and find out what happened?  She wants DD to talk to her son.  It took her a while, but that is what she wanted. 

So, per her request,  >:D, DD will have a very brief and direct conversation/statement for Jay tomorrow, much like the ideas posted by others, something like-- "I told you I had a babysitting commitment, so why would you buy two tickets?  I am not going to prom.  Sorry if you misunderstood my NO means anything else but no, but I am going to class now.  I do not expect to have this conversation again.  Good bye."

Thanks, guys! 

My little girl is growing up.  Sometimes it does take a village!

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

Well, if he doesn't learn how to take no for an answer, his future will definitely be marred.

He'll certainly try to blame every future difficulty with women on this interaction. 

My story:  in 1979 I broke up with my first boyfriend...we were both 17 and had dated for less than a year.  It was no big dramatic thing;  I just realized he wasn't a very nice person and didn't want to be around him.  My breakup speech was along the lines of, 'we can still be friends.

Fast forward 45 years.  I am contacted on FB by Boyfriend's wife, also a high school classmate.  She told me that she had left him because of physical and emotional abuse.  He told her that he was 'unable to love anyone' because of the trauma I had inflicted on him when he was 17.  <eyeroll>

Sounds like you dodged one heck of a bullet!

Sounds like he told quite an exagerrated story. Someone I knew in college told all his friends that a girlfriend he had in high school went to England with her family and was struck by a double decker bus while over there, and perished and it really wrecked him emotionally.  Now, looking back, I don't know why we bought this story other than naivete but bought it we did and sometime last year his stbxwife told us he'd confessed to having made it up and the girl had just been someone he knew from class.   They hadn't even dated and the only true part was that she had moved to England with her family.

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JoyinVirginia

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Re: How strong was DD's "no" for prom?
« Reply #68 on: April 21, 2014, 08:08:00 AM »
Why do I have feeling that Jay will get mommy to call again?
When she calls again op, do not allow her to ramble on. Say ” daughter us not going to prom and never told Jay she would go. she discussed this with him. gotta go, bye now!”

ThistleBird

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Re: How strong was DD's "no" for prom?
« Reply #69 on: April 21, 2014, 08:20:14 AM »
She thought her son's future would be marred by a girl not going to prom with him?  :o

Yeah, tells us a little about where he got his entitled "This girl will go to prom with me because I say so" attitude!

LeveeWoman

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Re: How strong was DD's "no" for prom?
« Reply #70 on: April 21, 2014, 08:21:06 AM »
OP here, and I must say, this thread has given me a lot to think about!

I had not considered that he bought the tickets after she told him no.  Wow. 

And that link about Mythcommuniction- super Wow!!  DD is quiet, but strong.  That article was powerful.  I will not show it to her now, but will take her out for coffee soon and chat, about dating and how to say no for any situation, and about clear communication.

My offering restitution was when the mom was rambling how her son was so hurt and his future may be marred by this. So I was trying to get a feel of what she wanted- a refund?  a date?  me to play spy on my DD and find out what happened?  She wants DD to talk to her son.  It took her a while, but that is what she wanted. 

So, per her request,  >:D, DD will have a very brief and direct conversation/statement for Jay tomorrow, much like the ideas posted by others, something like-- "I told you I had a babysitting commitment, so why would you buy two tickets?  I am not going to prom.  Sorry if you misunderstood my NO means anything else but no, but I am going to class now.  I do not expect to have this conversation again.  Good bye."

Thanks, guys! 

My little girl is growing up.  Sometimes it does take a village!

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

Well, if he doesn't learn how to take no for an answer, his future will definitely be marred.

If his mother continues to intervene in his life to this degree, she will be the one who mars his life.

I hope RegionMom's daughter learns that it's not her place to assuage a boy's hurt feelings when he is the one who set up the situation.

GratefulMaria

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Re: How strong was DD's "no" for prom?
« Reply #71 on: April 21, 2014, 08:55:43 AM »
Send this link to Jay and his mother - http://yesmeansyesblog.wordpress.com/2011/03/21/mythcommunication-its-not-that-they-dont-understand-they-just-dont-like-the-answer/

Tell your daughter not to worry about it, it's their problem, not hers.

If Jay's mother still has problems, point out a simple truth to her - it's not a matter of 'well she didn't say no clearly enough', it's a matter of 'she never said yes'.

I love the link.  DH and I raised our sons, now 21 and 24, with "No means no.  Not-yes means no."

Winterlight

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Re: How strong was DD's "no" for prom?
« Reply #72 on: April 21, 2014, 09:41:28 AM »
OP here, and I must say, this thread has given me a lot to think about!

I had not considered that he bought the tickets after she told him no.  Wow. 

And that link about Mythcommuniction- super Wow!!  DD is quiet, but strong.  That article was powerful.  I will not show it to her now, but will take her out for coffee soon and chat, about dating and how to say no for any situation, and about clear communication.

My offering restitution was when the mom was rambling how her son was so hurt and his future may be marred by this.  So I was trying to get a feel of what she wanted- a refund?  a date?  me to play spy on my DD and find out what happened?  She wants DD to talk to her son.  It took her a while, but that is what she wanted. 

So, per her request,  >:D, DD will have a very brief and direct conversation/statement for Jay tomorrow, much like the ideas posted by others, something like-- "I told you I had a babysitting commitment, so why would you buy two tickets?  I am not going to prom.  Sorry if you misunderstooddecided my NO means anything else but no, that's on you. I am going to class now.  I do not expect to have this conversation again.  Good bye."

Thanks, guys! 

My little girl is growing up.  Sometimes it does take a village!

Couple of mild edits. She has nothing to apologize for here. Jay is a jerk and his mother needs to remove her propellers post-haste.
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Deetee

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Re: How strong was DD's "no" for prom?
« Reply #73 on: April 21, 2014, 10:14:10 AM »
Glad to read the update. She said "no" very clearly (if not in those exact words). He didn't want to hear it so

1) Bought tickets after she said she wasn't going.
2) Texted her after she expressed zero enthusiasm or encoyragement .
3) When he couldn't ignore the "no" text, tried to use social parental pressure to get her to comply.

You are doing your daughter a favor by backing up her "no" and maybe him a favor by pointing out that this does not work. And maybe many other girls a favor.

If someone wants to go with you on a date they let you know. Like the article said agreements are clear and forceful and refusals are generally soft.

Not social, parental pressure. I am not sure which is worse, but regardless, he seems very immature.

I classified the parental pressure as social pressure as I had just read an article on the difference between being socially awkward (so you don't get social cues) and trying to use a label of social awkward to pressure girls. The second included a recourse to getting other people to pressure a girl into dating

My phone doesn't want to link but I'll pull that up later on my computer.

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Re: How strong was DD's "no" for prom?
« Reply #74 on: April 21, 2014, 10:17:29 AM »
A good learning experience for DD, I think, in dealing with this sort of person (or with pushy MLM sellers, I suppose). They will try to twist any sort of agreement into a complete accord with their desires ("I wonder if you'd like to buy this widget. By the way, isn't it a nice day?" "Yes, I guess." "YOU SAID YES! Sign on this line, right here!").

Anyone (male or female) who calls upon their parents to "make" someone else date them is too immature to be dating. Teen dating is a vicious world of ecstasy and heartbreak, and we all pick up some scars from it. Most of us deal with it.
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