Author Topic: How strong was DD's "no" for prom? update 102  (Read 19098 times)

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gellchom

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Re: How strong was DD's "no" for prom? update 102
« Reply #120 on: April 23, 2014, 03:32:25 PM »
RegionMom, thank you for sharing this situation with us.  I used it as a springboard for a great conversation with my 16 year old daughter today.  We talked about red flags, manipulative tricks, guilt trips, saying no clearly, etc...

I want her to know that not every attentive young man is going to have her best interests at heart and that if her hinky meter goes off, it's important to heed it and not just try to "be nice".

I'll also be using this story with my teenage son about the importance of respectful communication and good listening skills.

I hope you'll be teaching both lessons to both your daughter and your son. Girls can be just as manipulative and guilt trippy as boys can. I've known plenty of men who get absolutely trampled by their SOs because they were raised to be gentlemen.

POD

TeamBhakta

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Re: How strong was DD's "no" for prom? update 102
« Reply #121 on: April 24, 2014, 11:40:52 PM »
I have to say your DD sounds like a class act. Her behavior in this (from your posts of course) seems decent, polite, kind and to the point. Please tell her I am proud  8). I hope my DD's ( 10 and 8 ) will be able to handle this stuff as classy as she does.

I hope she can keep from sharing this debacle with others at school and spare Jay any further embarrassment.

Jay brought any embarrassment on himself.

Steve

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Re: How strong was DD's "no" for prom? update 102
« Reply #122 on: April 25, 2014, 10:23:33 AM »
Ha can hardly be blamed for his mother.



Garden Goblin

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Re: How strong was DD's "no" for prom? update 102
« Reply #123 on: April 25, 2014, 10:30:22 AM »
Ha can hardly be blamed for his mother.

No, but he can and should be blamed for not accepting her original no.

I'm not suggesting that she go out of her way to embarrass him, but she really is under no obligation to spare him from the consequences of his own actions.  Hopefully, he will learn a lesson from this.

There are places this same tale could have been related, and the majority of the advice would have been that it was her fault and she is obligated to go to the prom with him to spare his feelings.  There was similar advice given in regards to a young lady who turned a guy down because she wasn't interested in him and the advice columnist among others stated that meant she wasn't allowed to go to the prom at all.  I'm glad to see the majority of e-hell isn't blaming the girl for what happened.
« Last Edit: April 25, 2014, 10:34:14 AM by Garden Goblin »

TootsNYC

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Re: How strong was DD's "no" for prom? update 102
« Reply #124 on: April 25, 2014, 11:21:04 AM »
Ha can hardly be blamed for his mother.

No, but he can and should be blamed for not accepting her original no.


And he can be blamed for not communicating clearly enough with his mother. He had to have said *something* that left his mother believing that the girl was stringing him along.

Yvaine

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Re: How strong was DD's "no" for prom? update 102
« Reply #125 on: April 25, 2014, 11:23:22 AM »
There are places this same tale could have been related, and the majority of the advice would have been that it was her fault and she is obligated to go to the prom with him to spare his feelings.  There was similar advice given in regards to a young lady who turned a guy down because she wasn't interested in him and the advice columnist among others stated that meant she wasn't allowed to go to the prom at all.  I'm glad to see the majority of e-hell isn't blaming the girl for what happened.

I remember that column. Miss Manners, was it? Sometimes she randomly gets timewarped back into the fifties for a day.

MariaE

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Re: How strong was DD's "no" for prom? update 102
« Reply #126 on: April 25, 2014, 04:48:33 PM »
Ha can hardly be blamed for his mother.

No, but he can and should be blamed for not accepting her original no.


And he can be blamed for not communicating clearly enough with his mother. He had to have said *something* that left his mother believing that the girl was stringing him along.

Not necessarily. It could just be a matter of the mother heaing what she wanted to hear.
 
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Katana_Geldar

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Re: How strong was DD's "no" for prom? update 102
« Reply #127 on: April 25, 2014, 05:56:15 PM »
I have some strong suspicions about Jay that I won't go into in detail, but they seem to add up in my mind with the obsessions and the inability to recognise social cues. His mother coddling him like that isn't helping him at all.

Is it really the end of the world if you get told "No" for the prom? I read a story this morning where a girl was stabbed when she said "No". She later died in hospital.

Dr. F.

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Re: How strong was DD's "no" for prom? update 102
« Reply #128 on: April 25, 2014, 07:09:28 PM »
Ha can hardly be blamed for his mother.

No, but he can and should be blamed for not accepting her original no.


And he can be blamed for not communicating clearly enough with his mother. He had to have said *something* that left his mother believing that the girl was stringing him along.

Not necessarily. It could just be a matter of the mother heaing what she wanted to hear.

Some strange little corner of my mind wonders if Mom didn't tell sonny-boy something like, "OH, she's just being coy. Go ahead and get everything set up, but the tickets, etc., and she'll dump that babysitting job ASAP! You just need to pursue her!" I have no evidence to support that, except that Mom seems to have some odd opinions, and that she seems more upset than her son. If so, when this ploy failed, it's no wonder son was embarrassed and had no problem accepting the further "no."

Yvaine

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Re: How strong was DD's "no" for prom? update 102
« Reply #129 on: April 25, 2014, 07:12:55 PM »
Ha can hardly be blamed for his mother.

No, but he can and should be blamed for not accepting her original no.


And he can be blamed for not communicating clearly enough with his mother. He had to have said *something* that left his mother believing that the girl was stringing him along.

Not necessarily. It could just be a matter of the mother heaing what she wanted to hear.

Some strange little corner of my mind wonders if Mom didn't tell sonny-boy something like, "OH, she's just being coy. Go ahead and get everything set up, but the tickets, etc., and she'll dump that babysitting job ASAP! You just need to pursue her!" I have no evidence to support that, except that Mom seems to have some odd opinions, and that she seems more upset than her son. If so, when this ploy failed, it's no wonder son was embarrassed and had no problem accepting the further "no."

And when the time comes for him to search for a job, she'll probably hound him to call to "follow up" three times a day, and then he'll be desperately writing in to Ask a Manager in a few years. :D

RegionMom

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Re: How strong was DD's "no" for prom? update 102
« Reply #130 on: April 25, 2014, 07:52:52 PM »
OP here-

I heard that story of the girl that was stabbed to death and felt my heart stop a beat.  I am SO thankful that my DD is safe, and SO heartbroken for that girl's family and friends that are reeling from the news that she is gone. 

Even though the prom is a Big Night, going or not, with the right or wrong person should not be a life or death moment.  It looks like this girl was planning on going out with friends to the prom, had had her dress since early March (pic posted online) and somewhere along the way, told this boy NO. 

And he could not handle it. 

So terribly sad.




Fear is temporary...Regret is forever.

m2kbug

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Re: How strong was DD's "no" for prom? update 102
« Reply #131 on: April 25, 2014, 08:34:24 PM »
<snip>

There are places this same tale could have been related, and the majority of the advice would have been that it was her fault and she is obligated to go to the prom with him to spare his feelings.  There was similar advice given in regards to a young lady who turned a guy down because she wasn't interested in him and the advice columnist among others stated that meant she wasn't allowed to go to the prom at all.  I'm glad to see the majority of e-hell isn't blaming the girl for what happened.

I'm really curious about this one.  While I believe the "okay?" might have been a little bit confusing to Jay, that seems more a Jay problem.  Clumsy communication aside, I think the fact that DD had a prior commitment was pretty clear from the start.  What do you (personal and general) think the justification would be that the girl is now obligated to cancel on her job because the boy misunderstood?  Or pay for half??  And where and who? 

RegionMom

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Re: How strong was DD's "no" for prom? update 102
« Reply #132 on: April 25, 2014, 08:45:37 PM »
Monday-
"wanna go to prom?"
"Nope, babysitting."

Wednesday-
"Hey, I bought tickets just in case."
"O kay??"

Friday-
Mom calls to fuss that Jay made all sorts of plans. 

Why should DD be obligated to go with him? 

Fear is temporary...Regret is forever.

Garden Goblin

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Re: How strong was DD's "no" for prom? update 102
« Reply #133 on: April 26, 2014, 02:00:50 PM »
Not necessarily. It could just be a matter of the mother heaing what she wanted to hear.

Like mother like son?

I'm really curious about this one.  While I believe the "okay?" might have been a little bit confusing to Jay, that seems more a Jay problem.  Clumsy communication aside, I think the fact that DD had a prior commitment was pretty clear from the start.  What do you (personal and general) think the justification would be that the girl is now obligated to cancel on her job because the boy misunderstood?  Or pay for half??  And where and who? 

'Oh, he got up the nerve to ask you out?  You need to go on at least one date with him so you don't hurt his feelings!  You should be flattered that of all the girls, he wanted to go out with you!  Take it as a compliment, and accept the compliment.  I mean, if you didn't want to go out with him, why were you sending him signals in the first place?  He wouldn't have asked you out if he wasn't getting some kind of signal from you.  Besides, he could end up rich and famous some day and then you'll be cursing yourself that you snubbed him like that.  You don't need pocket money, he'll pay for everything anyway, I'm sure.  You don't want to end up a spinster, do you, like all those women who put career ahead of finding a good husband and are now dried up lonely prunes with fifty cats?  You don't want to embarrass him and make him angry and then have him tell all his friends how you treated him, no boy will ask you out again.  And his mother seems like such a nice, caring person and I don't want another phone call from her so make my life easier and just go out with the kid'

Sorry... channeling some of my family members there for a moment
« Last Edit: April 26, 2014, 02:05:09 PM by Garden Goblin »

gollymolly2

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Re: How strong was DD's "no" for prom? update 102
« Reply #134 on: April 26, 2014, 02:36:44 PM »
I have some strong suspicions about Jay that I won't go into in detail, but they seem to add up in my mind with the obsessions and the inability to recognise social cues. His mother coddling him like that isn't helping him at all.

Let's not diagnose someone based on a single interaction we heard about fourth-hand.