Author Topic: Lakehouse Sally and an upcoming wedding - small update page #6 and #7 and #9  (Read 31931 times)

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Luci

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Re: Lakehouse Sally and an upcoming wedding
« Reply #15 on: April 21, 2014, 10:50:45 AM »
You know you have been on ehell a while when you get really excited to see a Lakehouse Sally post!
I think Lakehouse Sally has confused the concept of invitation with a Royal Summons.

 :)! I've been wondering how she is doing. Thanks for letting us know she is still herself.

Poor woman is going to be so sad that the Aunt, Uncle, and grandmother will not be at the wedding.

Well, I'm putting myself (when I am really feeling my age) in MIL's place. I would send the very nicest gift I could, regrets, well wishes, reminders to send photos, and be grateful I didn't have to spend 14-16 hours in a car/ minivan, attend a probably loud party, and overnight in a strange place, though the service would be nice. "Ouch!" is pretty much all I can say about the prospect.

No way would I want to be responsible for the comfort and health of someone in a strange situation, so you, POF, have my understanding, too.

Also, I wouldn't miss my kid's important  sporting event. The child is likely to remember your being there far better than the nephew will remember who came to his wedding. As an example, a young man I know remembers that his mom went to his little league all star game, but he has to do the math or look at photos to remember which grandparents attended his wedding. He was too busy to interact with anyone much except his wife and the photographer.  >:(

Best wishes to your son on his sporting event!

Sophia

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Re: Lakehouse Sally and an upcoming wedding
« Reply #16 on: April 21, 2014, 10:53:03 AM »
It sounds like she really doesn't give a hoot about you guys showing up.  You were just the planned chauffeur for you MIL. 

Lady Snowdon

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Re: Lakehouse Sally and an upcoming wedding
« Reply #17 on: April 21, 2014, 11:55:25 AM »
DH's 93 year old grandmother barely made it to her daughter's house for Easter dinner - and that was less than a 10 min drive!  She also left after 2 hours, because the stimulation was just too much for her.  I can't see her doing a 7 hour drive at all, much less overnighting in a hotel, etc.  Lakehouse Sally will, in ehell parlance, have to get over it or die mad.  It's not anyone's "job" to make someone attend a wedding. 

I was incredibly grateful that a large chunk of my family all drove 14 hours to make it to my wedding.  It meant so much to me that they were there.  I would have been sad, but totally understood, if any of them had said, "LadySnowdon, I'm sorry, but it's just not going to work". 

TootsNYC

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Re: Lakehouse Sally and an upcoming wedding
« Reply #18 on: April 21, 2014, 12:00:14 PM »
You know you have been on ehell a while when you get really excited to see a Lakehouse Sally post!


Yeah, right?


Thanks for the post, POF! Best of luck to you all.

Remember the lesson from a similar situation here at EHell--the MOB was mad, mad, mad that the family couldn't attend (was that you? it seemed so similar). And the bride completely understood and wasn't fazed at all.

Reach out to the bride and groom directly, and ignore ignore ignore the MOB. Manage your own relationship w/ niece and nephew, and refuse to allow Irrational Mom to be the one who defines it.

Minmom3

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Re: Lakehouse Sally and an upcoming wedding
« Reply #19 on: April 21, 2014, 02:19:29 PM »
We live in the San Francisco Bay Area.

DD#3 just got married a week ago, in a tiny ceremony with her parents, her sisters, her best friend, her husband's good friend who was also the officiant, and a photographer.  That's it. Locally done at a small but pretty public venue, over in 20 minutes.  Then we went out for burgers and DH paid the tab.  They wanted it tiny because my new SIL has some social anxiety, and is mostly estranged from his family, so she restricted who could know and come from our side of the family.  Lots of baggage, not my department, and I'll blab about it on FB when she gives me the all clear.  No idea when that will be, but I'm not holding my breath.

DD#2, who got engaged pretty much the same weekend, wants to get married at Burning Man in 2015.  DH has health issues, and I have NO desire to go to the Nevada desert in August, and camp on the playa.  In fact, that's pretty much my idea of Hell.  Nor can I really afford to pay for two tickets to BM, or incur the costs necessary to camp there reasonably comfortably.  Her DF is a really nice man, and I like what I've seen of his parents (Thanksgiving, so not a lot of in depth interaction) - but DD#2's choice of location is a deal breaker for our side.  Nor can her sisters afford to take time off or camp for a week - and it's our understanding that BM does not allow a quickie weekend visit (which we'd swing if we had to).  If she'd move it to Vegas the weekend before or after, we'd all be there in a heart beat.  In the desert, with a mandatory week?  Not so much.  There's going to be hurt feelings when she actually realizes this.  Picking the time to TELL her that her choice of venue precludes all her immediate family from attending is our tricky point.

I won't see her until Mother's Day (May 11th) and I'm not bringing it up then, and I'll do my best to Duck And Cover if she brings it up that day!   
Mother to children and fuzz butts....

bopper

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Re: Lakehouse Sally and an upcoming wedding
« Reply #20 on: April 21, 2014, 02:59:15 PM »
For Mom:  People often think "Of course Mom will want to come! We don't want to leave her out!"  but sometimes you have to think "What would mom want"...is that much traveling too much? Will she get over-stimulated? Will she know what is going on? Will she get too tired?

lakey

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Re: Lakehouse Sally and an upcoming wedding
« Reply #21 on: April 21, 2014, 03:16:26 PM »
People are entitled to have any kind of wedding they want. However, assuming that people are obligated to drive 7 hours each way to attend the shindig is a bit self-absorbed.

Most 90 year olds I've known could not comfortably hand a 7 hour drive. If it is that important for the 93 year old grandma to attend, then they should hold it closer to their home. I would not haul that poor woman to this event.

lkdrymom

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Re: Lakehouse Sally and an upcoming wedding
« Reply #22 on: April 21, 2014, 03:37:39 PM »
So LHS wants you to travel 7 hours one way and care for an elderly relative the entire time too. It would be hard fro an able bodied adult to do this, I cannot imagine taking a 93 year old on this trip. Does your DH realize that if he does go he will not get to enjoy any of it if he has to play caretaker to his mother?  SO what is the point of going?  Especially since MIL most likely won't enjoy it either.

A few years back I had a similar problem. I wanted to attend a wedding in Southern Georgia. I live in NJ. The problem was I assumed everyone would expect me to bring my 84 year old father with me. He was having 'issues' and there was no way I would feel comfortable taking him so far from home. I would be worried sick something would go wrong...then what would I do so far from home?  And if I was worried sick my entire visit, what was the point of going? I went without him, just took my daughter and had a nice time.

TootsNYC

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Re: Lakehouse Sally and an upcoming wedding
« Reply #23 on: April 21, 2014, 03:42:25 PM »
So LHS wants you to travel 7 hours one way and care for an elderly relative the entire time too. It would be hard fro an able bodied adult to do this, I cannot imagine taking a 93 year old on this trip. Does your DH realize that if he does go he will not get to enjoy any of it if he has to play caretaker to his mother?  SO what is the point of going?  Especially since MIL most likely won't enjoy it either.


Well, "enjoying the wedding" may not be the highest priority for a person. "Helping Mom stay connected to our family" may be the highest priority. It's not necessary to enjoy everything one does.
   Sometimes the satisfaction of doing something that benefits someone else may be complete and total justification for doing it.

That's something only POF's DH can decide. And it's also something that only the 90-year-old grandma can decide as well.
    Your decision was the right one for you. But "having a nice time" is not the only reason to do something.

My grandma had very bad arthritis in her knees. And she went to things even if they hurt. Because it was important to her. It wasn't always about enjoyment. It was about the messages she was sending and receiving, etc.

There are ways to help a 90-year-old woman travel 7 hours away to be there when her beloved grandson marries. Grandma will want to think about whether she wants to go, and how she will be able to make it happen if she wants to.
    Maybe POF's DH will not be part of the solution. Maybe there won't be a solution.


lkdrymom

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Re: Lakehouse Sally and an upcoming wedding
« Reply #24 on: April 21, 2014, 04:26:57 PM »
So LHS wants you to travel 7 hours one way and care for an elderly relative the entire time too. It would be hard fro an able bodied adult to do this, I cannot imagine taking a 93 year old on this trip. Does your DH realize that if he does go he will not get to enjoy any of it if he has to play caretaker to his mother?  SO what is the point of going?  Especially since MIL most likely won't enjoy it either.


Well, "enjoying the wedding" may not be the highest priority for a person. "Helping Mom stay connected to our family" may be the highest priority. It's not necessary to enjoy everything one does.
   Sometimes the satisfaction of doing something that benefits someone else may be complete and total justification for doing it.

That's something only POF's DH can decide. And it's also something that only the 90-year-old grandma can decide as well.
    Your decision was the right one for you. But "having a nice time" is not the only reason to do something.

My grandma had very bad arthritis in her knees. And she went to things even if they hurt. Because it was important to her. It wasn't always about enjoyment. It was about the messages she was sending and receiving, etc.

There are ways to help a 90-year-old woman travel 7 hours away to be there when her beloved grandson marries. Grandma will want to think about whether she wants to go, and how she will be able to make it happen if she wants to.
    Maybe POF's DH will not be part of the solution. Maybe there won't be a solution.

Not everyone can afford to make such a big trip just to make someone else happy.  I had saved for years to take my kids to Disney World. My father wanted to go along and he did. It was not the trip I had envisioned and it was not easy having him keep up with us. He was content just sitting someplace while we went off but I felt bad about doing that. In the end I spent alot of money on our one and only Disney trip and I did not enjoy myself.

POF

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Re: Lakehouse Sally and an upcoming wedding
« Reply #25 on: April 21, 2014, 04:45:58 PM »
I also think that we should have been asked - not told to bring MIL to wedding.  Honestly - she most likely won't want to go.  Lakehouse Sally likes to have everyone at everything. 

TootsNYC

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Re: Lakehouse Sally and an upcoming wedding
« Reply #26 on: April 21, 2014, 04:52:16 PM »
Everyone has to make these decisions for themselves. And as you point out, it's important to be clear and honest about what the trip is going to be like.

I know that personally I'd place much more value on "enjoying myself" with a trip to Disney than I would with a family wedding.

I was just saying, it's not always about enjoying oneself. People decide "what's the point?" for their own reasons. Maybe for someone with an elderly parent, the point would be to help his mom.

And I agree with you, POF, it's really rude to tell people what they should do.

But Lakehouse Sally is big on control, isn't she?

CakeEater

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Re: Lakehouse Sally and an upcoming wedding
« Reply #27 on: April 21, 2014, 05:21:43 PM »
IIRC, Lakehouse Sally hasn't ever put much priority on getting to your family's events. You might feel differently about putting in a huge effort if that had been the case.

POF

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Re: Lakehouse Sally and an upcoming wedding
« Reply #28 on: April 21, 2014, 05:23:49 PM »
Everyone has to make these decisions for themselves. And as you point out, it's important to be clear and honest about what the trip is going to be like.

I know that personally I'd place much more value on "enjoying myself" with a trip to Disney than I would with a family wedding.

I was just saying, it's not always about enjoying oneself. People decide "what's the point?" for their own reasons. Maybe for someone with an elderly parent, the point would be to help his mom.

And I agree with you, POF, it's really rude to tell people what they should do.

But Lakehouse Sally is big on control, isn't she?

Infinite Infinite universe of control.  Honestly - I don't usually enjoy weddings ... don't know why .... but they usually just do nothing for me.  if it were closer or her health were better - I'd have no problem taking her for the day.  She has no brain to mouth filter and is fun to be around.

  I worry about a health situation happening or a fall and we are away from home and then what do we do.

DH's family doesn't think things through and if they WANT something to happen a certain way - then the heck with common sense or anyone else's impact.

DH is that way at times and the standard phrase is that " oh it will be OK"   well - we recently bought a car and he wanted to sign the papers before all the legowrk was done. I objected he told me .... it will be OK .... and it wasn't .... and I refused to deal with it.




gramma dishes

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Re: Lakehouse Sally and an upcoming wedding
« Reply #29 on: April 21, 2014, 05:26:47 PM »

Lakehouse Sally cannot dictate what you and your family do as far as deciding that you are going to be the Grandmother's transportation and keeper for a whole weekend. 

If it would make you feel better, you could always discuss this with Grandma and remind her that it will be seven hours of driving each way, a rehearsal dinner, wedding and reception and at least one overnight in a hotel room.  (By the way, are you also expected to pay for Grandma's hotel room, non wedding related meals and other expenses?)   Even if she says she'd like to go, she might change her mind at the last minute. 

Chances are, Grandma would actually prefer to get photos or a videotape that she can look at/watch afterward at her own leisure in the comfort of her own home.

You and your family already have definite plans for that weekend.  I think I would just simply RSVP "Sorry, but no", send a gift and really nice card and be done with it.  Lakehouse Sally will not like that response, but I doubt if her son, the groom, really would care all that much one way or the other.