Author Topic: Lakehouse Sally and an upcoming wedding - wedding update #12  (Read 41173 times)

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Venus193

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Re: Lakehouse Sally and an upcoming wedding
« Reply #45 on: April 24, 2014, 07:29:54 AM »
How close is DS's event to you? Would your Mom like to go to that? (or be able to?)

I think Lakehouse Sally wouldn't know a hint - or just a polite refusal - if it ran over her in a bus. Perhaps it is time to go off on her.

Would E-hellions approve of something like "Sally, you are not thinking this through. You are asking a 93 year old woman to do something that will cause her a lot of pain! ...and if you had called us when you were setting the date, you would have known that we will be attending DS's event."

I favor that.  Some people just don't get subtlety.... or manners.  You have to be direct with them.

POF

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Re: Lakehouse Sally and an upcoming wedding
« Reply #46 on: April 24, 2014, 07:40:12 AM »
Thanks everyone - the wedding is quite a bit away - so I am sure the issue will rise and fall over the summer.  I personally am not planning to drive 7 hours to this wedding.  I think wewill prevail not to take MIL - but there will be pushback from LHS.

The thing with LHS is that she is not belssed with any common sense  - she is seriously dense.  When confronted with logical facts - she just won't comprehend. 

I think if she had asked about MIL - that would be one thing .... but to assign it to us ... that didn't work. 

I'll update if/when any new developments occur.

YummyMummy66

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Re: Lakehouse Sally and an upcoming wedding
« Reply #47 on: April 24, 2014, 08:38:01 AM »
As someone who works with seniors in their home(s), I can tell you that if your MIL is not in the best of health, at age 93, a seven hour drive is a big no-no.  Your mil will not enjoy the festivities at all.

Sally wants yours MIL at this event, but does not want to have to deal with her at said event.  I don't think she realizes all that will entail.

Like others stated, you will have to be blunt.  Sally, we will not be attending the event.  We already have other plans that weekend.   And then state why you think MIL would not want to go or should not attend, but let her know, that if she feels she should be there, then it is up to her to make the arrangements for her to be there. Travel to event, hotel for two nights, because she will need to arrive a day early due to the drive, rest over night and the same on the day of event, rest overnight to travel home and she will need a paid attendant to be with her to help take care of her. 


Amara

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Re: Lakehouse Sally and an upcoming wedding
« Reply #48 on: April 24, 2014, 12:30:28 PM »
Quote
The thing with LHS is that she is not belssed with any common sense  - she is seriously dense.  When confronted with logical facts - she just won't comprehend. 

Then it seems to me that any time you are dealing with Sally the best--and the only--response should be "No" with absolutely no JADEing. Anything else just wastes your breath.

That's not to say don't post more stories. They are fun.  ;)

TootsNYC

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Re: Lakehouse Sally and an upcoming wedding
« Reply #49 on: April 24, 2014, 01:08:15 PM »
Quote
The thing with LHS is that she is not belssed with any common sense  - she is seriously dense.  When confronted with logical facts - she just won't comprehend. 

Then it seems to me that any time you are dealing with Sally the best--and the only--response should be "No" with absolutely no JADEing. Anything else just wastes your breath.

That's not to say don't post more stories. They are fun.  ;)


yep, yep, yep--to both points!

It really is nice of you to share Lakehouse Sally with us. It must be very bemusing to deal with her.

gingerzing

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Re: Lakehouse Sally and an upcoming wedding
« Reply #50 on: April 24, 2014, 02:14:19 PM »
We went to a wedding last summer that they Skyped/recorded for the Bride's dear friend who was a missionary in Germany.  It was really sweet and the pastor gave a "shout out" to the friend at the beginning of the service. 

Another thought about your poor MIL with all the travel and hubbub.  Weddings are horrible to spend any meaningful time with anyone.  A quick hug and maybe a 5 minute conversation with the couple is about all anyone really can expect. 
Perhaps someone ( 8) ) should put a bug in the Happy Couple's ear that it probably would be more meaningful for MIL if they stop by for a visit after the wedding with the video and wedding pictures to spend the afternoon just with grandma.  Give her the time she deserves and be comfortable in her own place. 

(Also posting just so I can get notified when there are updates.)

lakey

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Re: Lakehouse Sally and an upcoming wedding
« Reply #51 on: April 24, 2014, 02:49:43 PM »
TootsNYC,
I think that you mean well, but I have to say, this is  a lot more than DH not being able to enjoy the event. There has to be a reality check as to what an ordeal this will be for a 93 year old, frail woman. There is a 7 hour drive there, along with who knows how many stops necessary, going to the rehearsal dinner, getting around at the wedding  ceremony, getting around at the reception, staying in a strange hotel, and getting around there, then a 7 hour drive back. I'm sure there are people in their nineties who could handle this, but this is a 93 year old who is mobility limited and confused. When elderly people are confused, putting them into strange situations makes them more confused.
I spent a year taking care of my 93 year old mother before she died, and 4 years taking care of my 96 year old father. I cannot imagine a woman who has the problems that this woman has been described as having, without it having major effects on her. My father is worn out after being taken to the eye doctor, and he is in a wheelchair the entire time. What happens if they get there and the woman is too tired to enjoy any of it or just doesn't feel well? This just seems like a really bad idea.

You're right the most important thing isn't whether DH enjoys the event, but there needs to be a realistic view of what it will be like for the grandmother, and I don't feel that asking her if she can handle it is a guarantee of anything. She won't know whether she can handle it until she is 7 hours from home.

TootsNYC

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Re: Lakehouse Sally and an upcoming wedding
« Reply #52 on: April 24, 2014, 03:14:50 PM »
I'm so sorry if I implied that I thought this 90-plus-year-old grandmother should attend!

I was addressing a relatively narrow point--that "enjoying" the event was the only thing that mattered for the DH. I felt that people in the DH's position (not even necessarily the OP's DH specifically--just people in his position, with an elderly parent who needs help to attend a wedding)--and even people in the elderly grandmother's position (again, not even her specifically; just elderly people with a wedding they want to attend)--are entitled to put "enjoyment" way down on the list of reasons they go to the wedding.

I don't know anything about this particular family; I completely believe the OP when she says that *her* elderly relative is probably too frail to travel.

I'm not in the position of making decisions (or even recommendations) to the OP, bcs I don't know her personally. I would imagine her family will make the decision that's right for them.

I was only addressing the idea that "enjoyment" trumps everything else. And that just as Lakehouse Sally shouldn't get to dictate that her frail mother come to this wedding, neither should other people think it's right to decide for someone else whethe they'll "enjoy" the wedding enough to go through whatever it takes to go to the wedding.

Aquamarine

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Re: Lakehouse Sally and an upcoming wedding
« Reply #53 on: April 24, 2014, 03:34:37 PM »
Thanks everyone - the wedding is quite a bit away - so I am sure the issue will rise and fall over the summer.  I personally am not planning to drive 7 hours to this wedding.  I think wewill prevail not to take MIL - but there will be pushback from LHS.

The thing with LHS is that she is not belssed with any common sense  - she is seriously dense.  When confronted with logical facts - she just won't comprehend. 

I think if she had asked about MIL - that would be one thing .... but to assign it to us ... that didn't work

I'll update if/when any new developments occur.

I would pointedly remind LHS that she or her husband are certainly free to pick the elderly grandmother if they really want her to attend and I would remind her of this fact every time she said something about it.  "Oh the wedding is too far for us to drive so of course we won't be there, but there's no reason you or your DF can't pick up grandmother so she can attend.  Yes, 7 hours is a long drive to pick her up, but it's a 7 hour drive for us as well and you thought that was reasonable."  "Of course GM can still come to your wedding, you just need to arrange transportation for her since we are not going to be attending."

This is the sort of problem you have when you choose a venue so far away.  It is not reasonable to expect others to drive that distance just to go to a wedding.  The only wedding I would drive that amount for would be for one of my two children and I would be flying at that.  Anyone else would get my regrets with the explanation that the distance is just too great for me to be able to make it.
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Elfmama

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Re: Lakehouse Sally and an upcoming wedding
« Reply #54 on: April 25, 2014, 02:29:39 PM »
People are entitled to have any kind of wedding they want. However, assuming that people are obligated to drive 7 hours each way to attend the shindig is a bit self-absorbed.

Most 90 year olds I've known could not comfortably hand a 7 hour drive. If it is that important for the 93 year old grandma to attend, then they should hold it closer to their home. I would not haul that poor woman to this event.
My parents are also in their 90s.  A trip to Walmart exhausts them so much that they have to take a nap afterward.  They can manage maybe 2 hours sitting and visiting at my sister's house, and again have to be driven home (10 minutes by car) and nap. 

There are some people in their 90s who still run marathons or hike the Grand Canyon or even just go for a nice hour's walk around the neighborhood, but they're few and far between, and it certainly sounds like your MIL is not one of them.  Your DH needs to contact his mother.  I really think that she will not want to go, and if she isn't "there" enough to understand what's going on, then he'll need to make that decision for her.
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catwhiskers

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Re: Lakehouse Sally and an upcoming wedding
« Reply #55 on: April 26, 2014, 10:15:41 AM »
Another thought about your poor MIL with all the travel and hubbub.  Weddings are horrible to spend any meaningful time with anyone.  A quick hug and maybe a 5 minute conversation with the couple is about all anyone really can expect. 
Perhaps someone ( 8) ) should put a bug in the Happy Couple's ear that it probably would be more meaningful for MIL if they stop by for a visit after the wedding with the video and wedding pictures to spend the afternoon just with grandma.  Give her the time she deserves and be comfortable in her own place.

Totally agree with this.

My granddad was 80 and in a nursing home following a series of strokes when I got married. We would have loved him to be there. Our wedding was in the same town as the nursing home, so minimal travel, and was fairly small, close family and friends. Even so, after discussing it with my dad and a senior member of staff at the nursing home, we decided it was not in granddad's best interests since he easily became confused and we didn't want to cause him any distress. Instead, we went to the nursing home after the (lunchtime) reception with wedding cake and other goodies from the reception.

He died the following year. I'm so glad I have that memory of being able to include him in the day without overwhelming him.

Hopefull

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Re: Lakehouse Sally and an upcoming wedding
« Reply #56 on: April 26, 2014, 09:02:40 PM »
You had me at Lake house Sally!!!


Seriously that long of a day would be terrible for this older woman. Why not suggest someone use a tablet and face time or Skype during the wedding so that she can watch from the comfort of her own home?
I felt this thrill going up my leg!

Hopefull

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Re: Lakehouse Sally and an upcoming wedding
« Reply #57 on: April 26, 2014, 09:27:04 PM »
POF I thought of something else.

My oldest recently got married. The week leading up to it was pure chaos. But it got me to thinking. Time goes by so very fast. Kids grown and before you know it they are out on their own.  :'( :'(

I cherish every single moment I had with my daughter. She was VERY good with a certain sport. That meant traveling to the next state at ungodly hours of the morning and watching sometimes 4 or 5 games in one day. It was AWESOME!! I looked forward to the games and the practices. Now she is out of the house and is married. No more games. It is a different season in my life. If I had missed an important game I would have really regretted it.

If this game is important to you and to your son go to it! You will not regret going and spending time with your child because all too soon it will end. LHS's son's wedding will be lovely but think about what you would regret more...........missing your son's game or the wedding??? Do not apologize for not going. As others have said send your regrets and a gift/card and call it a day. If LHS is bent out of shape let her be. Enjoy your time with you son!
I felt this thrill going up my leg!

POF

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Re: Lakehouse Sally and an upcoming wedding
« Reply #58 on: April 27, 2014, 07:12:40 AM »
POF I thought of something else.

My oldest recently got married. The week leading up to it was pure chaos. But it got me to thinking. Time goes by so very fast. Kids grown and before you know it they are out on their own.  :'( :'(

I cherish every single moment I had with my daughter. She was VERY good with a certain sport. That meant traveling to the next state at ungodly hours of the morning and watching sometimes 4 or 5 games in one day. It was AWESOME!! I looked forward to the games and the practices. Now she is out of the house and is married. No more games. It is a different season in my life. If I had missed an important game I would have really regretted it.

If this game is important to you and to your son go to it! You will not regret going and spending time with your child because all too soon it will end. LHS's son's wedding will be lovely but think about what you would regret more...........missing your son's game or the wedding??? Do not apologize for not going. As others have said send your regrets and a gift/card and call it a day. If LHS is bent out of shape let her be. Enjoy your time with you son!


Oh - I know ! oldest is looking at colleges youngest turned 15 today.  Where did it go !  I agree 100% - if it were a usual track meet - than - I might miss one.... but this one is a big deal and we already know the date....

tinkytinky

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Re: Lakehouse Sally and an upcoming wedding
« Reply #59 on: May 06, 2014, 11:28:04 AM »
This is a situation that needs to be taken up with Nephew and the bride (after the invitations are issued). If you think he will be OK with it, that is where you direct this. LHS can get upset all she wants, but ultimately this is their decision. and just because it is LHS's son, doesn't mean that ANY family will be invited (although you may already know if you are). They may not expect grandma to come with the location being so far away. And they may have an idea for grandma to participate, whether it be skype, or just a recording with a special visit later on maybe bringing her a piece of wedding cake.

one of my SIL went to a small wedding venue a few hours away. although we knew about the date, time and location, they didn't want anyone there. Just a small shower/reception when they returned home.
 

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