Author Topic: Lakehouse Sally and an upcoming wedding - wedding update #12  (Read 41124 times)

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MrTango

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Re: Lakehouse Sally and an upcoming wedding - small update page #6
« Reply #75 on: June 05, 2014, 02:17:38 PM »
Given your update, and especially given your DH's aversion to conflict, I'd be pretty firm with him about how he will be responsible for entertaining and caring for his mother during the trip and that you are not going to let him dump that task on you.

Basically, don't let his aversion to conflict cause you to have to take on additional responsibilities.

But, in real life, someone saying he will be responsible and coming through are two quite different things. If he does dump it  on her, POF is still going to take over. The alternative would be the nice woman sitting by herself, whining and being ignored and miserable. POF would not let that happen!

If that's the case, then POF is a far kinder person than I am.

Maybe the best solution would be for POF to just stay home and if her husband wants to take his mother to the wedding, he can do so without POF.

POF

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Re: Lakehouse Sally and an upcoming wedding - small update page #6
« Reply #76 on: June 05, 2014, 02:41:01 PM »
Given your update, and especially given your DH's aversion to conflict, I'd be pretty firm with him about how he will be responsible for entertaining and caring for his mother during the trip and that you are not going to let him dump that task on you.

Basically, don't let his aversion to conflict cause you to have to take on additional responsibilities.

But, in real life, someone saying he will be responsible and coming through are two quite different things. If he does dump it  on her, POF is still going to take over. The alternative would be the nice woman sitting by herself, whining and being ignored and miserable. POF would not let that happen!

If that's the case, then POF is a far kinder person than I am.

Maybe the best solution would be for POF to just stay home and if her husband wants to take his mother to the wedding, he can do so without POF.

Thats where I am leaning.  This is in the middle of my busy season at work - so time off is at a huge premium.  I don't want to spend it in inlaw hell.  I do think that SIL should pay for the room, but in reality - MIL will need to be with us.

I will dump it on DH - in fact - I will suggest to him that we take separate cars - so that I can make an excursion of the drive up with the boys( stop and see things - do a bit of sightseeing ) and he can actually go up on Friday and take his mother to the rehearsal.

I will meet him at the church on Saturday.  Honestly - he chooses his mother over me a lot  - so let him spend the weekend with her.  if she needs to leave reception early - he can take her back to hotel.

A couple of years ago - Sally insisted that MIL come down to the Lake House for the annual cocktail fundraiser.  OK, well Sally abandoned MIL in a chair and MIL did nothing  but keep telling me - why are you mingling - I want you to sit here with me .  I went over to DH and Sally and said ... its your mother, I told you she's hate this - she needs your attention and I went to visit with my friends. 


You are all correct - I was raised that yo urespect elderly people and you make their lives easier - but it happens too much at my expense. 
 



ladyknight1

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Re: Lakehouse Sally and an upcoming wedding - small update page #6
« Reply #77 on: June 05, 2014, 02:44:25 PM »
I have to say that I love this update. I've been in your shoes and it is not an easy situation.

mime

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Re: Lakehouse Sally and an upcoming wedding - small update page #6
« Reply #78 on: June 05, 2014, 03:17:55 PM »
I'm glad to see your second update because the one on the prior page was a little troubling. I can imagine how easy it will be for you to fall into the role of 24/7 caregiver if DH just remains unresponsive and takes no action. It is easy for him to go along with what Sally demands because it only puts a burden on you, not him.

I really like the idea that you go in a separate car and arrive later or leave earlier than the rest of the family, for work or sightseeing or whatever reason that works.

 

CharlieBraun

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Re: Lakehouse Sally and an upcoming wedding - small update page #6
« Reply #79 on: June 05, 2014, 03:21:48 PM »
POF, I totally agree with you and with the other PP.   

You have no control over how long the meet will last, and if it goes over, you are the one ending up doing the Big Scramble to make it all work - to get the rest of the family to Sally's Big Event.  You.

If MIL comes along and based on past history, you are the one who will end up dealing with her.  You.

If I were in your shoes, I would decline to go at all, staying home with your kids and making it a Mom's Weekend With Her Kids.  Which, ironically, you would be giving as a gift to your MIL - Mom's Weekend with HER Kids.

Going up Saturday would be my own second choice, but if you are OK with it - then run with it.  My concern for that is that, immediately upon arrival, MIL is placed on your hands while DH and SIL go prancing to the party.
"We ate the pies."

Luci

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Re: Lakehouse Sally and an upcoming wedding - small update page #6
« Reply #80 on: June 05, 2014, 03:40:11 PM »
After all of this, I'm still of the surety that I would not take the trip, and I'm "only" 70 and we travel quite a bit. But I can get up and walk around, have a restroom handy, and in sort of control.

We drove 2 1/2 hours, spent 8 hours with grandson, and then 2 1/2 hours home in a comfortable van yesterday. I'm beat! without all of the activity and confusion of a wedding and an overnight stay.

POF

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Re: Lakehouse Sally and an upcoming wedding - small update page #6
« Reply #81 on: June 05, 2014, 05:12:24 PM »
After all of this, I'm still of the surety that I would not take the trip, and I'm "only" 70 and we travel quite a bit. But I can get up and walk around, have a restroom handy, and in sort of control.

We drove 2 1/2 hours, spent 8 hours with grandson, and then 2 1/2 hours home in a comfortable van yesterday. I'm beat! without all of the activity and confusion of a wedding and an overnight stay.

I just think if they are going to browbeat a 93 year to be an ornamentation at a wedding .... then Sally can deal with it.  I do feel bad for MIL, she's elserly, she deserves to be respected and treated with care.  I thinktaking a separate car will give me the ability to distance myself a bit.

Maude

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Re: Lakehouse Sally and an upcoming wedding - small update page #6
« Reply #82 on: June 05, 2014, 06:38:30 PM »
As an aside...
Who benefits from the annual cocktail FUNDRAISER?

POF

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Re: Lakehouse Sally and an upcoming wedding - small update page #6
« Reply #83 on: June 05, 2014, 07:25:41 PM »
As an aside...
Who benefits from the annual cocktail FUNDRAISER?

Our Neighborhood Association.  We all bring an Appetizer and sell beer / wine and a special Lake cocktail ( which I really think is all the old booze in various houses mixed together ! )

gramma dishes

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Re: Lakehouse Sally and an upcoming wedding - small update page #6
« Reply #84 on: June 05, 2014, 07:29:31 PM »
Has it actually even been established that MIL actually wants to go to this wedding? 

Luci

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Re: Lakehouse Sally and an upcoming wedding - small update page #6
« Reply #85 on: June 05, 2014, 07:38:56 PM »
After all of this, I'm still of the surety that I would not take the trip, and I'm "only" 70 and we travel quite a bit. But I can get up and walk around, have a restroom handy, and in sort of control.

We drove 2 1/2 hours, spent 8 hours with grandson, and then 2 1/2 hours home in a comfortable van yesterday. I'm beat! without all of the activity and confusion of a wedding and an overnight stay.

I just think if they are going to browbeat a 93 year to be an ornamentation at a wedding .... then Sally can deal with it.  I do feel bad for MIL, she's elserly, she deserves to be respected and treated with care.  I thinktaking a separate car will give me the ability to distance myself a bit.

I weep for the lady.

My grandmother at 87 couldn't make it to our wedding, 2 hrs away.  I was sad, so we visited her on our honeymoon. It was best for all of us. She fixed a dinner for us! Better than her traveling and Lucas got to meet her!

The woman deserves respect. Now that I think about how our children would handle a situation like this, I am positive it would be with respect and dignity.
« Last Edit: June 05, 2014, 08:44:35 PM by Luci45 »

blarg314

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Re: Lakehouse Sally and an upcoming wedding - small update page #6
« Reply #86 on: June 05, 2014, 08:02:42 PM »

I definitely think that letting your husband do the trip while you handle the sports event is the way to go.

It's easy for your DH to prioritize his mother when he doesn't have to actually deal with any of the unpleasant stuff. Let him handle *all* the work, and his approach may well change.

Tea Drinker

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Re: Lakehouse Sally and an upcoming wedding - small update page #6
« Reply #87 on: June 05, 2014, 08:24:16 PM »
I would agree that sending your husband to be with his mother, and staying home with the kids, is probably the easiest.

If you do go, it would be neither disrespectful of the elderly, nor rude, to answer each and every one of your MIL's requests with "I'll go get Husband for you," doing so, and telling him "Your mother needs help/company." Telling her "too bad" or walking away without a word would be rude: telling her "I'll go get your son" is both polite and appropriate.
Any advice that requires the use of a time machine may safely be ignored.

POF

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Re: Lakehouse Sally and an upcoming wedding - small update page #6
« Reply #88 on: June 05, 2014, 09:28:52 PM »
Has it actually even been established that MIL actually wants to go to this wedding?

Not yet ----- her response ( and she is actually quite funny and I really do love her ) would be to say .. " I might be dead by then ".  She is not depressed, just seriously ready to go when they call her stop.

I don't think she wants to go, lately - I have been having her  to our house for individual smaller holidays, Mothers day, easter etc. She finds it difficult when the entire clan is together.  And she likes me a lot, but at her age - that means she likes me to be with her all the time at events.

gramma dishes

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Re: Lakehouse Sally and an upcoming wedding - small update page #6
« Reply #89 on: June 05, 2014, 09:34:25 PM »
It seems like the family just wants her to be there so they can brag that their Grandmother came all this way to share "our special day" without regard as to how difficult this trip would be for her.

What would she say if you said "You know, I'm not going to be able to go to this wedding because of our son's track meet.  But DH will be happy to take you with him if you want to go!"?