Hostesses With The Mostest > Entertaining and Hospitality

How much warning do you need to give before stopping traditions?

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wolfie:
Probably more background then you need but I figured I would throw it out there in case it is relevant.

I was estranged from my family of origin for a while - mainly because they did not approve of my spouse. So Christmas was always celebrated with just me and spouse because his family was scattered in Canada (8 hours by plane) and we were avoiding mine. About 7 years ago a friend was lamenting how hard it was to be alone on Christmas - her family was also scattered so they did the holiday stuff on Thanksgiving instead. SO I decided to have a small Christmas day get together for us "orphans". It was a lot of fun.

In the meantime I got a divorce and am back in contact with my FOO, and she got a boyfriend whose family is in the area. Christmas day get together just no longer works for me anymore and I would like to end it. Also I have realized over the past year that while i have invited this person to many things I have been excluded from all of her one-on-one events and only invited to the big parties everyone is invited to. So I want to move my Christmas day get together to a different day and stop inviting her all together.

Since we have been doing this for about 7 years am I obligated to give her (and the other regulars) a heads up? or just not do the event this year?

SamiHami:
I think you should let her know so that she can think about other plans for Christmas. Since you've been doing it for so long, she probably does see it as a "tradition" now and assumes that it's going to continue as usual.

TootsNYC:
I think that you should say something. If I had to give some arbitrary cutoff, I'd say "after the third year, people will expect the tradition."

So round about Thanksgiving, drop her an email that says, "We won't be able to have our Christmas get-together this year--wanted to let you know so you can plan your holidays."

And never mention it again. (keep your holidays plans on the down-low for at least a year--don't gush about the alternate party she's not invited to where she can see it)

My recommendation, anyway.

SoCalVal:
Is your get-together a big party or a one-on-one event?  If it's a big party, then you should let her know (as she still invites you).  If it's a one-on-one event, I wouldn't worry about letting her know she's not invited (as she has made it clear by not inviting you to these anymore than you are no longer considered part of that circle).  If she asks and you feel close enough to her still to say this, you could tell her, "I thought we weren't inviting each other to the one-one-one events anymore as I haven't been invited to yours." (I'd be concerned about telling her it's not happening anymore and then she finds out through the grapevine that it's not true)

wolfie:

--- Quote from: SoCalVal on April 21, 2014, 02:26:02 PM ---Is your get-together a big party or a one-on-one event?  If it's a big party, then you should let her know (as she still invites you).  If it's a one-on-one event, I wouldn't worry about letting her know she's not invited (as she has made it clear by not inviting you to these anymore than you are no longer considered part of that circle).  If she asks and you feel close enough to her still to say this, you could tell her, "I thought we weren't inviting each other to the one-one-one events anymore as I haven't been invited to yours." (I'd be concerned about telling her it's not happening anymore and then she finds out through the grapevine that it's not true)

--- End quote ---

That is the kicker - she has invited every person from my social circle to her one-on-ones but me. So it is my circle.... but apparently she doesn't consider me part of it.

It is a small event - it is like a fondue party and I only have 8 seats total. So it is a pretty intimate party.

That was my plan -  move it to more of a New Year type part and not rub it in her face, but also not completely hide it either.

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