Author Topic: How much warning do you need to give before stopping traditions?  (Read 3010 times)

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wolfie

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Re: How much warning do you need to give before stopping traditions?
« Reply #15 on: April 21, 2014, 03:51:25 PM »
As you have done this for seven years and it falls on a major holiday I agree that a warning/heads up is best.

I would send it out now actually and I would send it out to all seven people you invited last year (or the year before if the first list varied a little). I would say something about how mush you enjoyed it last year and this year you already know that you will be traveling/busy etc.. And you wanted everyone to know as soon as possible.

I might add that I would maybe plan something else around the holidays or I might leave that until November to send out new invited to a new party.

so far there are only 3 people who have consistently gone to all events. 2 (a married couple) will be invited again and well... they made me aware of the fact that I haven't been invited to any one - on - one events. Not that that was what was intended... it was an off hand joking comment that neither of us realized was true until they actually said it and we realized well.. yeah... actually she didn't invite me to those events.

I am going to admit that I am exceptionally hurt over it. I feel like I have gone out of my way to make sure that she had a good holiday - even though it didn't really work for me anymore - but then in return I am not thought of until it is time for the next holiday. But I want to take the high road in moving on.

I usually plan the party a few weeks ahead of time - because of the limited amount of people I need to see availability before I send out invitation and most people don't know what they are doing for NY this early!

Arila

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Re: How much warning do you need to give before stopping traditions?
« Reply #16 on: April 21, 2014, 08:09:19 PM »
I think one of the reasons to wait is that if you're nearer to last xmas than next, she might think that the uninvitation is about last xmas rather than next xmas. Did she do something wrong, etc. The reason to get it out now is that the change in plans might make them want to travel somewhere instead, save up vacation and money, etc.

Personally, I would just work it into normal conversation some time. "This weekend, my aunt invited me to her house for xmas this year, isn't that great? Guess that will put an end to our usual...It was great while it lasted, huh?"

PastryGoddess

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Re: How much warning do you need to give before stopping traditions?
« Reply #17 on: April 22, 2014, 12:26:38 AM »
Split the difference and tell her in June or July

Deetee

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Re: How much warning do you need to give before stopping traditions?
« Reply #18 on: April 22, 2014, 12:56:17 PM »
As you have done this for seven years and it falls on a major holiday I agree that a warning/heads up is best.

I would send it out now actually and I would send it out to all seven people you invited last year (or the year before if the first list varied a little). I would say something about how mush you enjoyed it last year and this year you already know that you will be traveling/busy etc.. And you wanted everyone to know as soon as possible.

I might add that I would maybe plan something else around the holidays or I might leave that until November to send out new invited to a new party.

so far there are only 3 people who have consistently gone to all events. 2 (a married couple) will be invited again and well... they made me aware of the fact that I haven't been invited to any one - on - one events. Not that that was what was intended... it was an off hand joking comment that neither of us realized was true until they actually said it and we realized well.. yeah... actually she didn't invite me to those events.

I am going to admit that I am exceptionally hurt over it. I feel like I have gone out of my way to make sure that she had a good holiday - even though it didn't really work for me anymore - but then in return I am not thought of until it is time for the next holiday. But I want to take the high road in moving on.

I usually plan the party a few weeks ahead of time - because of the limited amount of people I need to see availability before I send out invitation and most people don't know what they are doing for NY this early!

Ok, so you only have three people who be "relying" on this event? The couple and your not-friend.  That actually changes my advice as I thought the guest list was more established.

I think I would go with no email and then mention your plans when you see them socially. (I am assuming that you would run into not-friend in the next 6 months)

wolfie

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Re: How much warning do you need to give before stopping traditions?
« Reply #19 on: April 22, 2014, 02:06:28 PM »
As you have done this for seven years and it falls on a major holiday I agree that a warning/heads up is best.

I would send it out now actually and I would send it out to all seven people you invited last year (or the year before if the first list varied a little). I would say something about how mush you enjoyed it last year and this year you already know that you will be traveling/busy etc.. And you wanted everyone to know as soon as possible.

I might add that I would maybe plan something else around the holidays or I might leave that until November to send out new invited to a new party.

so far there are only 3 people who have consistently gone to all events. 2 (a married couple) will be invited again and well... they made me aware of the fact that I haven't been invited to any one - on - one events. Not that that was what was intended... it was an off hand joking comment that neither of us realized was true until they actually said it and we realized well.. yeah... actually she didn't invite me to those events.

I am going to admit that I am exceptionally hurt over it. I feel like I have gone out of my way to make sure that she had a good holiday - even though it didn't really work for me anymore - but then in return I am not thought of until it is time for the next holiday. But I want to take the high road in moving on.

I usually plan the party a few weeks ahead of time - because of the limited amount of people I need to see availability before I send out invitation and most people don't know what they are doing for NY this early!

Ok, so you only have three people who be "relying" on this event? The couple and your not-friend.  That actually changes my advice as I thought the guest list was more established.

I think I would go with no email and then mention your plans when you see them socially. (I am assuming that you would run into not-friend in the next 6 months)

"relying" in the sense that they have come for most of the events. A few other people have only been invited in the past year or two and are reasonably assuming they will be invited again this year if I have it.  That is one of the reasons that I want to move it - having it on the 25th means that the guest list is very limited and I would like to invite more people - who actually have someplace to go on the 25th!

I don't know if I will be seeing not friend any time soon. That was pretty much the realization that made me decide I didn't want to have an event centered on her anymore - when I realized that last summer she made plans with everyone but me and I didn't see her until the fall.

blarg314

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Re: How much warning do you need to give before stopping traditions?
« Reply #20 on: April 23, 2014, 09:47:20 PM »

For a Christmas event, I think an email in early November is sufficient. "Just letting you know that I'm not doing a Christmas Day event this year, so you can make other plans". That's enough time to plan for something else, but close enough to not make it seem like a bigger deal than it is.

You don't need to mention the New Year's event you're doing instead - it's a separate event, and if you're not close anymore it doesn't make sense to invite her to it.

Tia2

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Re: How much warning do you need to give before stopping traditions?
« Reply #21 on: April 26, 2014, 05:23:15 AM »

For a Christmas event, I think an email in early November is sufficient. "Just letting you know that I'm not doing a Christmas Day event this year, so you can make other plans". That's enough time to plan for something else, but close enough to not make it seem like a bigger deal than it is.

You don't need to mention the New Year's event you're doing instead - it's a separate event, and if you're not close anymore it doesn't make sense to invite her to it.

If I wasn't told that an expected Christmas day event had fallen through until November it would be far too late for me to make other plans and I'd probably end up spending Christmas on my own.  My family is far flung and we generally have our plans in place by June/July at the latest. 

If the OP genuinely didn't make a decision until November, that would be one thing, but since the decision is already made, I think the PP who says it should be mentioned in conversation is right.  Something along the lines of really looking forward to the first holiday at home in X years would probably do.

Of course, the OP had better make sure the friend doesn't assume she can tag along to the family celebration.

Runningstar

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Re: How much warning do you need to give before stopping traditions?
« Reply #22 on: April 26, 2014, 06:15:28 AM »
I am going to admit that I am exceptionally hurt over it. I feel like I have gone out of my way to make sure that she had a good holiday - even though it didn't really work for me anymore - but then in return I am not thought of until it is time for the next holiday. But I want to take the high road in moving on.

I don't know if I will be seeing not friend any time soon. That was pretty much the realization that made me decide I didn't want to have an event centered on her anymore - when I realized that last summer she made plans with everyone but me and I didn't see her until the fall.
Wolfie, I'd be hurt also.  I think that a head's up at the beginning of fall would be enough time - Sept/October.  If it were me, this first year I would probably still invite her to the bigger party on the different date since she does invite you to her big parties and you want to move on yet still take the high road.  You will have time to come to a decision about that.  If the subject comes up in the meantime, I'd say that the party won't be held on the 25th anymore, but not give any specifics. 

bopper

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Re: How much warning do you need to give before stopping traditions?
« Reply #23 on: April 28, 2014, 11:40:26 AM »
You could also wait until after you visit your family and then say "I wanted to give you a heads up...I have been invited to Christmas with my family and plan to go, so I won't be hosting my Christmas gathering."

wolfie

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Re: How much warning do you need to give before stopping traditions?
« Reply #24 on: April 28, 2014, 12:06:42 PM »
You could also wait until after you visit your family and then say "I wanted to give you a heads up...I have been invited to Christmas with my family and plan to go, so I won't be hosting my Christmas gathering."

That already happened last year - which is one of the reasons I want to cut out the tradition because it was really hard on me to go to my parent's celebration (they celebrate on Christmas Eve) and then run back home on the 25th and get everything set up for this gathering.

wolfie

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Re: How much warning do you need to give before stopping traditions?
« Reply #25 on: April 28, 2014, 12:10:52 PM »

I'd be thinking, "Really? In May, you already know for sure what your Christmas plans are?"


Well... yeah actually I do know what my Christmas plans are pretty much the day after Christmas. Unless my parents die then I am expecting to go down to their house and visit with them over the holiday. I expect most people have traditions like that and so "know" what their plans will be far in advance.

lowspark

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Re: How much warning do you need to give before stopping traditions?
« Reply #26 on: April 28, 2014, 12:18:11 PM »
I dunno, it just feels like we're overthinking this. You know you're not going to do the day-of event now. Just tell her. If she interprets it in some negative way, well, that's on her. It seems to be that waiting just means more effort than it's worth. You gotta remember to tell her so mark your calendar or worry about "should I tell her now?" or whatever.

I would just tell her, and scratch it off my list, i.e. not give it another thought. I don't think it's all that unusual for someone to know their plans for Christmas a year in advance.

TootsNYC

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Re: How much warning do you need to give before stopping traditions?
« Reply #27 on: April 28, 2014, 12:21:16 PM »

I'd be thinking, "Really? In May, you already know for sure what your Christmas plans are?"


Well... yeah actually I do know what my Christmas plans are pretty much the day after Christmas. Unless my parents die then I am expecting to go down to their house and visit with them over the holiday. I expect most people have traditions like that and so "know" what their plans will be far in advance.

But the OP doesn't, really--or if she does, it's the gathering she's trying to cancel.

I do think you can say something once you truly know for sure. And, it's April already, late April even, so it's not as likely to be a "ew, that was awful, I'm never doing Christmas that way again!"

Though, since she did have conflicting events, she could easily have said immediately, "I'll be going to family again next year, and it's just too hard to try to do this too, so I'm not going to. We'll get together some other time." Then it's not about "I hated the whole gathering."

wolfie

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Re: How much warning do you need to give before stopping traditions?
« Reply #28 on: April 28, 2014, 01:41:53 PM »

I'd be thinking, "Really? In May, you already know for sure what your Christmas plans are?"


Well... yeah actually I do know what my Christmas plans are pretty much the day after Christmas. Unless my parents die then I am expecting to go down to their house and visit with them over the holiday. I expect most people have traditions like that and so "know" what their plans will be far in advance.

But the OP doesn't, really--or if she does, it's the gathering she's trying to cancel.

I do think you can say something once you truly know for sure. And, it's April already, late April even, so it's not as likely to be a "ew, that was awful, I'm never doing Christmas that way again!"

Though, since she did have conflicting events, she could easily have said immediately, "I'll be going to family again next year, and it's just too hard to try to do this too, so I'm not going to. We'll get together some other time." Then it's not about "I hated the whole gathering."

I am the OP! SO yes the op does know what her plans are for next Christmas.

The reason I didn't say that I didn't want to do it again next year was because I knew that ex-friend looked forward to the event and that was her big Christmas thing. And I didn't want to take that away from her because I know how are holidays can be when you are on your own. SO I was willing to suck it up and deal with it. Until I found out that I was left out of all of her events. At which point I was wondering why I was willing to suck it up for someone who obviously wouldn't do the same for me. And now I am stuck with "so how do I get out of this with minimal hurt feelings and drama"

PastryGoddess

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Re: How much warning do you need to give before stopping traditions?
« Reply #29 on: April 28, 2014, 02:57:55 PM »
OP if your not-friend has hurt feelings and causes drama, that doesn't mean that you did anything wrong.  Don't make yourself responsible for another person's feelings. 

Tell her what you're going to do and move on with your life.