Author Topic: How much warning do you need to give before stopping traditions?  (Read 3017 times)

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wolfie

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Probably more background then you need but I figured I would throw it out there in case it is relevant.

I was estranged from my family of origin for a while - mainly because they did not approve of my spouse. So Christmas was always celebrated with just me and spouse because his family was scattered in Canada (8 hours by plane) and we were avoiding mine. About 7 years ago a friend was lamenting how hard it was to be alone on Christmas - her family was also scattered so they did the holiday stuff on Thanksgiving instead. SO I decided to have a small Christmas day get together for us "orphans". It was a lot of fun.

In the meantime I got a divorce and am back in contact with my FOO, and she got a boyfriend whose family is in the area. Christmas day get together just no longer works for me anymore and I would like to end it. Also I have realized over the past year that while i have invited this person to many things I have been excluded from all of her one-on-one events and only invited to the big parties everyone is invited to. So I want to move my Christmas day get together to a different day and stop inviting her all together.

Since we have been doing this for about 7 years am I obligated to give her (and the other regulars) a heads up? or just not do the event this year?

SamiHami

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Re: How much warning do you need to give before stopping traditions?
« Reply #1 on: April 21, 2014, 01:52:07 PM »
I think you should let her know so that she can think about other plans for Christmas. Since you've been doing it for so long, she probably does see it as a "tradition" now and assumes that it's going to continue as usual.

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TootsNYC

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Re: How much warning do you need to give before stopping traditions?
« Reply #2 on: April 21, 2014, 01:55:50 PM »
I think that you should say something. If I had to give some arbitrary cutoff, I'd say "after the third year, people will expect the tradition."

So round about Thanksgiving, drop her an email that says, "We won't be able to have our Christmas get-together this year--wanted to let you know so you can plan your holidays."

And never mention it again. (keep your holidays plans on the down-low for at least a year--don't gush about the alternate party she's not invited to where she can see it)

My recommendation, anyway.

SoCalVal

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Re: How much warning do you need to give before stopping traditions?
« Reply #3 on: April 21, 2014, 02:26:02 PM »
Is your get-together a big party or a one-on-one event?  If it's a big party, then you should let her know (as she still invites you).  If it's a one-on-one event, I wouldn't worry about letting her know she's not invited (as she has made it clear by not inviting you to these anymore than you are no longer considered part of that circle).  If she asks and you feel close enough to her still to say this, you could tell her, "I thought we weren't inviting each other to the one-one-one events anymore as I haven't been invited to yours." (I'd be concerned about telling her it's not happening anymore and then she finds out through the grapevine that it's not true)



wolfie

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Re: How much warning do you need to give before stopping traditions?
« Reply #4 on: April 21, 2014, 02:35:21 PM »
Is your get-together a big party or a one-on-one event?  If it's a big party, then you should let her know (as she still invites you).  If it's a one-on-one event, I wouldn't worry about letting her know she's not invited (as she has made it clear by not inviting you to these anymore than you are no longer considered part of that circle).  If she asks and you feel close enough to her still to say this, you could tell her, "I thought we weren't inviting each other to the one-one-one events anymore as I haven't been invited to yours." (I'd be concerned about telling her it's not happening anymore and then she finds out through the grapevine that it's not true)

That is the kicker - she has invited every person from my social circle to her one-on-ones but me. So it is my circle.... but apparently she doesn't consider me part of it.

It is a small event - it is like a fondue party and I only have 8 seats total. So it is a pretty intimate party.

That was my plan -  move it to more of a New Year type part and not rub it in her face, but also not completely hide it either.

wolfie

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Re: How much warning do you need to give before stopping traditions?
« Reply #5 on: April 21, 2014, 02:35:58 PM »
Okay so a few people said I need to give warning. Does everyone agree that just do it around t-day? Or do I need to go earlier then that?

lowspark

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Re: How much warning do you need to give before stopping traditions?
« Reply #6 on: April 21, 2014, 02:38:33 PM »
I think it's the courteous thing to do, to let her know. And personally, I'd let her know sooner rather than later. I would probably just send her an email and say something like,

Friend,
Since my situation has changed, I'm planning on spending Christmas with my family from now on and I've decided not to host our usual Christmas celebration anymore. I wanted to give you plenty of notice so you could plan accordingly.


I don't think you're necessarily obligated to let her know, but I would because in her place, I'd want to know. Just think about it this way. What if she had decided that since her situation has changed she doesn't want to come anymore? And what if she didn't let you know that till the last minute? Wouldn't you have rather known earlier so you could make other plans?

Hmmmmm

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Re: How much warning do you need to give before stopping traditions?
« Reply #7 on: April 21, 2014, 02:43:35 PM »
Okay so a few people said I need to give warning. Does everyone agree that just do it around t-day? Or do I need to go earlier then that?

I would give her notice earlier if possible. Like maybe in October you decide your going to your FOO for the holiday. I'd send her a note then saying "Friend, I've decided to spend the holidays in XXX with my FOO this year. Since we've spent the last few years together I wanted to give a heads up so you can start deciding your your holiday celebration."

And then just drop the tradition. I wouldn't move it to a new day this year because she might then decide it's still the tradition. If you miss the celebration the following year, invite her and maybe a few other friends.

wolfie

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Re: How much warning do you need to give before stopping traditions?
« Reply #8 on: April 21, 2014, 02:46:38 PM »
I think it's the courteous thing to do, to let her know. And personally, I'd let her know sooner rather than later. I would probably just send her an email and say something like,

Friend,
Since my situation has changed, I'm planning on spending Christmas with my family from now on and I've decided not to host our usual Christmas celebration anymore. I wanted to give you plenty of notice so you could plan accordingly.


I don't think you're necessarily obligated to let her know, but I would because in her place, I'd want to know. Just think about it this way. What if she had decided that since her situation has changed she doesn't want to come anymore? And what if she didn't let you know that till the last minute? Wouldn't you have rather known earlier so you could make other plans?

very true - because I have other people I would like to invite that I can't because i have only 8 slots and there really is no way to add an extra person. Okay so I will let her know that the tradition doesn't work for me and is off soon.

TootsNYC

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Re: How much warning do you need to give before stopping traditions?
« Reply #9 on: April 21, 2014, 02:51:47 PM »
I wouldn't do it this early--fall is soon enough, I think. Whenever it looks like your plans are settling in.

lowspark

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Re: How much warning do you need to give before stopping traditions?
« Reply #10 on: April 21, 2014, 03:14:41 PM »
I wouldn't do it this early--fall is soon enough, I think. Whenever it looks like your plans are settling in.

Why not? I mean, what's the point of waiting?
Not trying to argue with you, I'm genuinely wondering why it might be a bad idea to just go ahead and tell her now.
Especially because it's Christmas which is a pretty major holiday, the sooner one knows what's up, the sooner one can at least be thinking about how that changes things.

For example, say I'm planning to visit my relatives this year over the summer. Maybe, if I'd known my usual plans for Christmas were canceled, I'd choose to postpone the trip to December instead. Just an example, of course, but my opinion is that the most polite and really, the easiest thing to do is just tell the people who need to know that your plans have changed as soon as you know.

TootsNYC

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Re: How much warning do you need to give before stopping traditions?
« Reply #11 on: April 21, 2014, 03:26:39 PM »
I think it would feel really rejecting this early. I'd be thinking, "Why are you concerned about this now? Why did you need to tell me this, so pointedly, this early? Why are you worrying about what you'll do at Christmas, when it isn't even May? Is this a high-drama thing?"

I'd be thinking, "Really? In May, you already know for sure what your Christmas plans are?"

I just think it would place too much emphasis on it.

I think it wouldn't be bad to mention "thinking of going to family" this early, esp. casually, but I'd wonder if it was a more direct, "I won't be having my Christmas gathering this year."

lowspark

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Re: How much warning do you need to give before stopping traditions?
« Reply #12 on: April 21, 2014, 03:36:58 PM »
Interesting perspective.

I guess it just seems to me that Christmas, at least for some people, is major enough that indeed they do plan months in advance. Even a year, as I think some people decide just after this year's celebration how things are going to be the following year.

So yeah, if it was something more minor, say, if the OP had a birthday party every year and started announcing eight months in advance that she would not be having it this year, sure, that might seem odd and a bit high-drama. But since it's not at all unusual to make plans for Christmas far in advance, or at least begin contemplating them, I don't see it in the same light.

Deetee

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Re: How much warning do you need to give before stopping traditions?
« Reply #13 on: April 21, 2014, 03:44:14 PM »
As you have done this for seven years and it falls on a major holiday I agree that a warning/heads up is best.

I would send it out now actually and I would send it out to all seven people you invited last year (or the year before if the first list varied a little). I would say something about how mush you enjoyed it last year and this year you already know that you will be traveling/busy etc.. And you wanted everyone to know as soon as possible.

I might add that I would maybe plan something else around the holidays or I might leave that until November to send out new invited to a new party.

SamiHami

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Re: How much warning do you need to give before stopping traditions?
« Reply #14 on: April 21, 2014, 03:44:44 PM »
Okay so a few people said I need to give warning. Does everyone agree that just do it around t-day? Or do I need to go earlier then that?

I don't see any reason for you to wait. The sooner you tell her, the sooner you can stop thinking about it. And it gives her way more than enough time to decide how she wants to handle Christmas this year. I wouldn't wait until Thanksgiving.

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