Author Topic: What do you all think of this?  (Read 16177 times)

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bah12

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #120 on: April 23, 2014, 05:32:45 PM »
Even if you do everything you think you should be doing, you can still wind up with problems.  Her pain may be simply caused by the type of chair she's sitting in.  Hell, I've commandeered my b/f's recliner as it is the only seat in his living room I can sit in.  I can't sit on his bar stools at all, and even my very comfortable sofa is no longer comfortable to me.

When you step out of your normal routine, ANYTHING has the ability to cause pain.  Your pain meds, which are titrated to your normal discomfort can be ineffective at normal doses when you are out of your normal range.
I think that this would be very important to communicate to your hosts before visiting, along with what accommodations that you may need.

I agree.  My frustration is that some seem to be arguing that hosts aren't owed that information but are expected to accommodate them as needs are requested.  That's completely unfair.  Also, if you (general) are going to tell us all the ifs and buts that make it impossible for you to communicate those needs and expect others to understand, then why can't you also understand that without that communication, many people won't get it.

Also, I completely get that you can still have problems even if you communicate what you think will be a problem or actively manage the disability.  But, I don't think that means you have an excuse not to communicate anything.  I'd have a lot more sympathy for someone who tried to communicate these possibilities and missed something, than deciding that since they can't possibly cover everything, they owed nothing.  We can say that the OP did this by answering questions, but not even her BF who presumably has quite a bit of understanding of her disability seemed to get it, so expecting him to communicate that accurately to the parents when the GF didn't is a bit unrealistic.  And I'm not so critical of the fact that she answered questions and mom didn't get it, as I am of the attitude that the mom was being intrusive in asking questions but expecting her to know the severity of the problem.
« Last Edit: April 23, 2014, 05:38:30 PM by bah12 »

mich3554

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #121 on: April 23, 2014, 05:38:30 PM »
How can you communicate exactly what you need if you don't know exactly where that line is yourself?  She WAS open about her disability, answering all their questions....even ones that she felt were intrusive.

So the hosts DO know that she has issues with pain.  She tried to mitigate it as much as she could with the resources that she had available to her, as in the OP and the subsequent post.  When the pain exceeded her ability to mitigate it, she used the procedures that she has used in the past to try to alleviate it, telling the hosts she needed another day to recover, which they denied her.

Exactly what else should she do? 


bah12

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #122 on: April 23, 2014, 05:41:30 PM »
How can you communicate exactly what you need if you don't know exactly where that line is yourself?
The hosts DO know that she has issues with pain.  She tried to mitigate it as much as she could with the resources that she had available to her, as in the OP and the subsequent post.  When the pain exceeded her ability to mitigate it, she used the procedures that she has used in the past to try to alleviate it, telling the hosts she needed another day to recover, which they denied her.

Exactly what else should she do?

I have a spinal injury that at times causes me severe pain.  I am not yet to the point where I know ahead of time what will trigger this.  I will do my best to manage my pain and not be a burden to you; however, sometimes it gets to the point that I can't function.  If this happens, all I need is to lie down for a period of time...and unfortunately sometimes this can be for longer than a day or two.  I want to let you know this, because I appreciate your hospitality and don't want to come accross as ungrateful or burdensome.

Hmmmmm

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #123 on: April 23, 2014, 05:57:17 PM »
How can you communicate exactly what you need if you don't know exactly where that line is yourself?
The hosts DO know that she has issues with pain.  She tried to mitigate it as much as she could with the resources that she had available to her, as in the OP and the subsequent post.  When the pain exceeded her ability to mitigate it, she used the procedures that she has used in the past to try to alleviate it, telling the hosts she needed another day to recover, which they denied her.

Exactly what else should she do?

I have a spinal injury that at times causes me severe pain.  I am not yet to the point where I know ahead of time what will trigger this.  I will do my best to manage my pain and not be a burden to you; however, sometimes it gets to the point that I can't function.  If this happens, all I need is to lie down for a period of time...and unfortunately sometimes this can be for longer than a day or two.  I want to let you know this, because I appreciate your hospitality and don't want to come accross as ungrateful or burdensome.

Exactly.

And I still go back to the update that says her BF had no idea how much pain she was in until she decided to leave. So how were the parent's to know that she was in debilitating pain all day?

We have no idea what the BF communicated to his parents. The OP says the GF was trying to not call attention to her disability because of concern about previous comments. Maybe the BF was saying things like "No, she's tired and laying down and won't be coming to lunch. I'll take something to her." or "I think she's still sleeping but I'll take in some water and dinner later." Even the GF has no idea of what was said to the parents sense she was in her room all day.

I get that no one has to share their medical issue with me. But if you are a multi-day guest in my home and you take a turn to where you need to spend a day in bed, I would at least like to know the extent of your illness. Do I need to get you medication, or there symptoms I need to be aware of that would necessitate getting you to an emergency room, do you need food or drinks.

Maybe my opinions is colored because the BF is an adult living at his parents but having to ask permission for a guest to visit or and to extend a visit and wouldn't stick to his original plan for a holiday. If I were his mother, I'm not sure I'd be trusting of him to fully take care of his ailing guest so I'd feel a responsibility for the person in my home.   

Elfmama

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #124 on: April 23, 2014, 09:53:25 PM »
Another POD to Mich3554.  When I'm out of steps, I'm out of steps.
And another.   Fibro here, too.  And that running out of steps can be very sudden, quite literally between one step and another.  Let's say it takes 38 steps to go from my car to the door of the supermarket.  At step 28, I feel OK.  At step 29, all my energy runs out, just as if someone opened a valve and it all drained away.  I feel 100 pounds heavier, my back/hip/knee starts to nag, and I know that if I don't sit down soon it will start to scream. 

And neither of the alternatives I face in this scenario are happy-making: I can struggle on into the supermarket and hope that one of their mobility scooters is available.  (Those extra 10 steps can feel like running uphill carrying an elephant.) Or I can struggle back to my car and go home, with my shopping undone.  (Up Mt. Everest, 2 elephants.) 

The parents here sound like my ILs.  They thought that migraines and fibro were just excuses, that I was pretending to be ill to get sympathy.  ::) I should just take an aspirin and go on about my day. 

The GF should also look long and hard at her BF, and how he is being a Flying Monkey, forwarding his parents' venom to her special delivery.   It's not pleasant to hear "My mother thinks _____."  She needs to polish up her spine and tell him "I don't give a rat's patootie what your mother thinks.  You know and I know that the truth is ______.  i will not listen to any more episodes of Mommy's Bigoted Opinions."
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RooRoo

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #125 on: April 24, 2014, 01:36:38 AM »
Quote
How can you communicate exactly what you need if you don't know exactly where that line is yourself?
I'm another with fibro, plus some damaged nerves that hurt like the dickens. Chronic pain sucks one's energy away.

I refer friends and family to the Spoon Theory: http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/wpress/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/ Please respect her copyright! She deserves all the credit for coming up with this way of communicating.

When I'm in a bad way, I can just tell DH, "I'm out of spoons," and that's it. He gets it, Deity Bless him!
"Someday we must write a book of Etiquette for sensible people," said Mrs. Morland, "though apart from a few rules it really boils down to an educated mind and a kind heart." ~ Angela Thirkell, Never Too Late

aussie_chick

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #126 on: April 24, 2014, 04:13:26 AM »
I've read all the replies and I think I agree with a little of each idea. Because we are unlikely to ever hear from BF or the parents to understand their point of view, everything is conjecture so all I can do is think about what I would do, or would hope to do in the same situation and to me it all comes down to the lessen my mother taught me when I was little "always be gracious" and I think it applies to everyone in this story.

Parents - might not have understood what the heck was going on with "rude, quiet, lazy, disabled" (my guesses) girlfriend but if she was a guest in my home, knowing she would leave eventually, I would have said "of course she can stay another night. Does she need anything? A Dr? A heat pack? And then shown no frustration with having her but if I felt that strongly after she left, I would sit BF down and say "sorry son, but we found your GF difficult and would prefer not to entertain her again" depending on the agreement between BF and his parents about staying there.

But also...

GF - since the Op stated that both the GF and the BF were aware the xmas visit would be about more family time and not just their own time, and especially since the parents had to be convinced to have GF over, if I was GF i would have taken a small hostess gift, thanked parents for having me, discreetly moved around and taken meds as required, and when I couldn't get out of bed due to pain, asked to speak to mother quietly in private, apologise for any inconvenience, briefly explain the situation and give a guestimate of when I'd be able to leave. be an adult about it and not just stay silent and leave it up to BF (who sounds a bit clueless to me) to muddle his way through talking to his parents.

blarg314

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #127 on: April 24, 2014, 07:02:38 AM »

My guess is that the Christmas debacle was the result of a combination of misunderstanding/assumptions/lack of communication, plus the parents being shocked at the extent of her disability and deciding that she's not good enough/too much of a burden for their son.

I do think the BF should have been running interference as host - checking with his GF to see how she's doing, encouraging her to take the steps she needs to keep comfortable, explaining to his parents when needed.   Actually, if they're dating long distance and only see each other every couple of weeks, it's quite possible the BF doesn't really understand the extent of the disability, and what is needed to manage it - he isn't getting the day by day every day view of it.

However, I think the really important point here is not the details of who did what, or who should bear the responsibility. The GF is dating a guy long distance. His parents are actively and vocally against the relationship.  Her BF is living with the parents and appears to have no immediate plans to change that. I don't give the relationship good odds of surviving without some sort of major change - long distance relationships are hard enough in good circumstances; and these aren't good.

ladyknight1

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #128 on: April 24, 2014, 08:05:31 AM »
I don't have fibro, but an assortment of other neurological/muscular and skeletal issues that can stop me in my tracks. I have been fortunate to have a DH and DS that are compassionate and are willing to change our schedule if necessary due to my inability to move.

My issues are such that I cannot sit all day, I can't stand very long. I can walk miles then suddenly lose all feeling in one leg. It is one thing for BF's parents to have expectations of GF, but those expectations should have been communicated and discussed when the original decision was made to have her over for Christmas.


Outdoor Girl

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #129 on: April 24, 2014, 08:38:56 AM »
Putting myself in the mother's shoes here, I can't imagine telling my (hypothetical) son that no, his girlfriend can't stay another night; I don't care how much pain she is in.  I also couldn't imagine sending someone out in a snowstorm, rather than letting them stay on the couch for the night.

Regardless of any of the other communication, that's just wrong.

Sure, I'd be putting my foot down if it turned into more days with no end in sight but one night?  She'd be staying, even if I was a little uncomfortable about it.  And then I'd talk to my son after the fact to prevent it from happening again, if possible.

My feeling is that the parents were trying to alienate this girl because she's not good enough for their son (in their eyes).  GF has some decisions to make as to whether or not this is the relationship for her.  Unless BF steps up and starts living his own life away from Mummy, it isn't going to work, IMO.
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sammycat

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #130 on: April 24, 2014, 08:53:43 AM »
Putting myself in the mother's shoes here, I can't imagine telling my (hypothetical) son that no, his girlfriend can't stay another night; I don't care how much pain she is in.  I also couldn't imagine sending someone out in a snowstorm, rather than letting them stay on the couch for the night.

Regardless of any of the other communication, that's just wrong.

Sure, I'd be putting my foot down if it turned into more days with no end in sight but one night?  She'd be staying, even if I was a little uncomfortable about it.  And then I'd talk to my son after the fact to prevent it from happening again, if possible.

My feeling is that the parents were trying to alienate this girl because she's not good enough for their son (in their eyes).  GF has some decisions to make as to whether or not this is the relationship for her.  Unless BF steps up and starts living his own life away from Mummy, it isn't going to work, IMO.

I totally agree.

lowspark

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #131 on: April 24, 2014, 08:56:45 AM »
I'm confused about one point.
Was GF the guest of BF, staying in his rented room for the holiday, during which she would also be participating in the family's Christmas celebration? Or was she the guest of Mom & Dad for Christmas, and staying in BF's room while a recipient of the parents' hospitality?

If she was BF's guest, then the parents really should have no say in if she stays in bed or stays an extra night or whatever. But if she's their guest beyond her participation in the Christmas day activities, then yeah, they have a right to have an interest in what she does.

So again, the situation screams of BF not being mature and independent. As a son living in his parents' house, he behaved pretty much as might be expected. As a tenant, he behaved like a kid in his parents' house.

One question for those of you who suffer back pain.
If you found yourself in a similar situation, but let's say it was simply as a guest in someone's house just for that day, leaving out the part about the BF and being an overnight guest, just a guest for the day, what would you do? You are at someone's house and suddenly the pain flares up. How do you handle that?

I guess I'm just wondering what GF would have done differently, if anything, if she hadn't been an overnight guest in the first place.

TurtleDove

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #132 on: April 24, 2014, 09:22:27 AM »
It is one thing for BF's parents to have expectations of GF, but those expectations should have been communicated and discussed when the original decision was made to have her over for Christmas.

I agree this should have been communicated and discussed, but since it is GF who has the issues that need to be accommodated, I think it was up to her to be clear about what those issues are and what accommodations she would ask for.  To me, asking a houseguest who is also the GF of your son to participate in a holiday celebration and to not then spend the next two days alone in the son's room isn't weird.  If the GF could not do that, I think it was up to her to communicate why and explain the situation.

Dr. F.

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #133 on: April 24, 2014, 09:40:38 AM »
Putting myself in the mother's shoes here, I can't imagine telling my (hypothetical) son that no, his girlfriend can't stay another night; I don't care how much pain she is in.  I also couldn't imagine sending someone out in a snowstorm, rather than letting them stay on the couch for the night.

Regardless of any of the other communication, that's just wrong.

Sure, I'd be putting my foot down if it turned into more days with no end in sight but one night?  She'd be staying, even if I was a little uncomfortable about it.  And then I'd talk to my son after the fact to prevent it from happening again, if possible.

My feeling is that the parents were trying to alienate this girl because she's not good enough for their son (in their eyes).  GF has some decisions to make as to whether or not this is the relationship for her.  Unless BF steps up and starts living his own life away from Mummy, it isn't going to work, IMO.

I totally agree.

This, so much.

I was sufficiently befuddled by some of the comments here, that I called my mom and asked her opinion, i.e., under what circumstances would you tell the SO of one of your kids that they couldn't stay another night because they are in pain. She was also baffled. She asked my dad (who is a stickler), he was aghast.

You don't do that. You just don't.

I hope the parents realize that they have seriously impacted their relation-ship with their son, and a potential long-term SO of his. BF needs to move out, like, yesterday. I would almost suggest he move to GF's city, simply to get away from his parents.

ladyknight1

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #134 on: April 24, 2014, 09:41:23 AM »
It is one thing for BF's parents to have expectations of GF, but those expectations should have been communicated and discussed when the original decision was made to have her over for Christmas.

I agree this should have been communicated and discussed, but since it is GF who has the issues that need to be accommodated, I think it was up to her to be clear about what those issues are and what accommodations she would ask for.  To me, asking a houseguest who is also the GF of your son to participate in a holiday celebration and to not then spend the next two days alone in the son's room isn't weird.  If the GF could not do that, I think it was up to her to communicate why and explain the situation.

I totally disagree with the bolded. GF did participate, as much as she could.

I think it is beyond rude to expect someone to be in physical pain in order to participate in your holiday activities/socialization.