Author Topic: What do you all think of this?  (Read 15221 times)

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JenJay

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #135 on: April 24, 2014, 09:45:16 AM »
It is one thing for BF's parents to have expectations of GF, but those expectations should have been communicated and discussed when the original decision was made to have her over for Christmas.

I agree this should have been communicated and discussed, but since it is GF who has the issues that need to be accommodated, I think it was up to her to be clear about what those issues are and what accommodations she would ask for.  To me, asking a houseguest who is also the GF of your son to participate in a holiday celebration and to not then spend the next two days alone in the son's room isn't weird.  If the GF could not do that, I think it was up to her to communicate why and explain the situation.

In an updated post OP said the parents were fully aware of the extent of her disability, this means to me that they did know that she needed to move around (which she did) and that possibly she could still end up with such exacerbated pain that she'd need to stay in bed for a day or two. She told them this before the Christmas visit. Granted, I don't know that she said "Okay, just so we're all on the same page, I'm willing to come for Christmas but here's what might happen..." immediately before the holiday visit. She'd already had that discussion with the mother on a previous visit, there was no reason for her to think she needed to spell it out again. I think she was safe in assuming they knew, since she'd already told them. It's not her fault they either didn't believe her or forgot.

Also, Boyfriend has tried to speak to them about it again since Christmas but they don't want to hear it and don't feel they should have to change their expectations to accommodate Girlfriend's socializing ability, hence the couple deciding it's best for Girlfriend not to spend time at the parents' home.

BFs Mother was fully aware of the situation with regards to GFs disability. Although GF felt the intense questioning was an intrusion, I did state in the original post that she answered all questions. She even volunteered information that was not actually asked for, in the interests of getting along with Mother.

and

GF initially hoped that it would be possible for her and BF to sit down and talk things through with his parents, clear up any misinterpreted conversations and misunderstandings arising from them and start over afresh *snip* [BF] has attempted to have similar conversations with his parents, but they seem determined to blame GF for the whole fiasco and they expect her to apologise and change. Everything they have against her does seem to stem from her disability (not sure how they expect her to change that), some of the comments made have been quite nasty and completely unnecessary *snip*

TurtleDove

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #136 on: April 24, 2014, 09:48:44 AM »
I think it is beyond rude to expect someone to be in physical pain in order to participate in your holiday activities/socialization.

Yes, me too!  Which is why I think the GF should have communicated what her issues were and how she expected to be accommodated, preferably before the visit.

KarenK

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #137 on: April 24, 2014, 10:22:50 AM »
Putting myself in the mother's shoes here, I can't imagine telling my (hypothetical) son that no, his girlfriend can't stay another night; I don't care how much pain she is in.  I also couldn't imagine sending someone out in a snowstorm, rather than letting them stay on the couch for the night.

Regardless of any of the other communication, that's just wrong.

Sure, I'd be putting my foot down if it turned into more days with no end in sight but one night?  She'd be staying, even if I was a little uncomfortable about it.  And then I'd talk to my son after the fact to prevent it from happening again, if possible.

My feeling is that the parents were trying to alienate this girl because she's not good enough for their son (in their eyes).  GF has some decisions to make as to whether or not this is the relationship for her.  Unless BF steps up and starts living his own life away from Mummy, it isn't going to work, IMO.

I totally agree.

This, so much.

I was sufficiently befuddled by some of the comments here, that I called my mom and asked her opinion, i.e., under what circumstances would you tell the SO of one of your kids that they couldn't stay another night because they are in pain. She was also baffled. She asked my dad (who is a stickler), he was aghast.

You don't do that. You just don't.

I hope the parents realize that they have seriously impacted their relation-ship with their son, and a potential long-term SO of his. BF needs to move out, like, yesterday. I would almost suggest he move to GF's city, simply to get away from his parents.

Throwing myself in with this group.

It's definitely impacted their relation-ship with the GF. Were it me, it would be a cold day in e-hell before I darkened their doorstep again.

etiquettenut

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #138 on: April 24, 2014, 10:29:34 AM »
I think it is beyond rude to expect someone to be in physical pain in order to participate in your holiday activities/socialization.

Yes, me too!  Which is why I think the GF should have communicated what her issues were and how she expected to be accommodated, preferably before the visit.

I guess I just don't understand what the GF was supposed to do here. Explain in a point-by-point memo exactly what she would do if a happened, or b, or c? Now, if I sit for 3 hours I may need to walk around for 15 minutes, but if I sit for 1 hour I only need to walk around for 5? How could she even know all this or possibly account for every potential situation? I think this is getting in to "ask people to predict the future" and is unfair.

What accommodations? The only accommodation she required was a bed after she exerted herself too much.  Before that, she took care of it herself by walking around, taking pain meds, ect.

I think that the parents behaved terribly, BF needs to grow up, and have yet to see any explanations that convince me otherwise.

JenJay

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #139 on: April 24, 2014, 10:51:56 AM »
I think it is beyond rude to expect someone to be in physical pain in order to participate in your holiday activities/socialization.

Yes, me too!  Which is why I think the GF should have communicated what her issues were and how she expected to be accommodated, preferably before the visit.

I guess I just don't understand what the GF was supposed to do here. Explain in a point-by-point memo exactly what she would do if a happened, or b, or c? Now, if I sit for 3 hours I may need to walk around for 15 minutes, but if I sit for 1 hour I only need to walk around for 5? How could she even know all this or possibly account for every potential situation? I think this is getting in to "ask people to predict the future" and is unfair.

What accommodations? The only accommodation she required was a bed after she exerted herself too much.  Before that, she took care of it herself by walking around, taking pain meds, ect.

I think that the parents behaved terribly, BF needs to grow up, and have yet to see any explanations that convince me otherwise.

Yep. And per OP's most recent post they did know fully (her word) all about her disability, so I believe they knew she may end up needing to spend a day or two in bed. For them to then turn around and deny her a place to stay, call her unsociable, and tell Boyfriend that she wasn't welcome back until she "changed" is disgusting.

bah12

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #140 on: April 24, 2014, 10:55:39 AM »
Again, I'm fairly laid back when it comes to my hosting.  Letting someone stay at my house an extra day for any reason would't be a big deal.  But, I also read these boards and have discovered that for many, hosting is huge huge deal to them and every aspect of having a guest is carefully calculated.  So, having someone stay even one extra day can be a big inconvenience and stressor for them.

That being said, crap happens.  People get sick.  Flights get canceled.  Storms rolled in.  It happens.  And yes, it's pretty darn cruel to throw someone in pain out of your house.

But, I think we are spending too much time focusing on the emotion of having a disabled person in pain kicked out and not on the etiquette of the situation.  The GF knows that she has an issue.  She knows that things that she sometimes can't control, dibilitates her to the point she can't move.  She agreed to accept someone else's hospitality and stay in their home (it doesn't matter what the original motivation for inviting her was).  She also knows that there is a chance that her disability could mean that she needs additional or special accommodations.  Yet, she still thought it was an intrusion of her privacy to have to explain her disability.  It doesn't matter that she answered questions...if they had not been asked, she would not have disclosed the information...yet, when she needs extra accommodation her host is supposed to provide it no questions asked.  It's hypocritical. If you know ahead of time that there's a chance that you are going to need more than what was originally offered, I think the only polite thing to do is forewarn your hosts.

Here are the contradictory arguments I heard that I have a problem with: (paraphrasing).

"I don't like to be seen as a burden, so I try to act as normal as I can and do things that risk hurting me more.  Yet, I don't understand why people are treating me like I'm normal and expect that when I do things that hurt me, I shouldn't be hurt."

"I think it's intrusive to ask me questions about my disability.  When I need something, I'll tell you.  I expect you to provide me what I need, but I shouldn't have to explain any of it to you ahead of time."

"I know that I can walk some distance.  I also know that at some point I'll probably have to stop and rest.  Since I don't know what that distance is and because it's different every time, I don't understand why I need to say anything to you before hand.  When we're walking together and I suddenly can't go anymore, I expect you to completely understand why."

I get that the GF answered the mom's questions about the disability and volunteered some more information...despite how intrusive that felt.  I am still not putting blame on the parents.  Not because I think the GF should have said more (it's not what she said but the attitude/expectation she came with that I don't like), but because the person that communicated the need to stay one more night didn't even understand the severity of the situation.  If the person asking the question doesn't even know that she's in too much pain to walk, how in the world do you expect that the parents are going to get it? It makes absolutely no sense to blame them when it's almost impossible that they had a clue how bad her situation was. 

bah12

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #141 on: April 24, 2014, 11:00:49 AM »
I think it is beyond rude to expect someone to be in physical pain in order to participate in your holiday activities/socialization.

Yes, me too!  Which is why I think the GF should have communicated what her issues were and how she expected to be accommodated, preferably before the visit.

I guess I just don't understand what the GF was supposed to do here. Explain in a point-by-point memo exactly what she would do if a happened, or b, or c? Now, if I sit for 3 hours I may need to walk around for 15 minutes, but if I sit for 1 hour I only need to walk around for 5? How could she even know all this or possibly account for every potential situation? I think this is getting in to "ask people to predict the future" and is unfair.

What accommodations? The only accommodation she required was a bed after she exerted herself too much.  Before that, she took care of it herself by walking around, taking pain meds, ect.

I think that the parents behaved terribly, BF needs to grow up, and have yet to see any explanations that convince me otherwise.

Yep. And per OP's most recent post they did know fully (her word) all about her disability, so I believe they knew she may end up needing to spend a day or two in bed. For them to then turn around and deny her a place to stay, call her unsociable, and tell Boyfriend that she wasn't welcome back until she "changed" is disgusting.

Well, if she communicated everything so perfectly, then there's nothing left for her to do but break up with her boyfriend.  Afterall, despite all her perfect communication, he wasn't smart enough to understand how hurt she was until after she started walking to the car.  This family isn't disgusting...they are obviously just really stupid.

If she never showed how much of an intrusion it was or how uncomfortable she was with the families friendliness on her first visit, then the family is just crazy.  Obviously, they were being overly nice to her to throw her off so they can be cruel to her later.  And besides, how crazy is it to ask every single friend that thier son has to call them "mom and dad"...since clearly there's no reason for them to think that their son was bringing the girlfriend home to 'meet the family'?

TurtleDove

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #142 on: April 24, 2014, 11:04:06 AM »
I am still not putting blame on the parents.  Not because I think the GF should have said more (it's not what she said but the attitude/expectation she came with that I don't like), but because the person that communicated the need to stay one more night didn't even understand the severity of the situation.  If the person asking the question doesn't even know that she's in too much pain to walk, how in the world do you expect that the parents are going to get it? It makes absolutely no sense to blame them when it's almost impossible that they had a clue how bad her situation was.

Yes.  I was trying to articulate why I view this situation as I do, and the bolded is why.  I see this as a major communication problem, between GF and BF, and between BF and his parents, and between GF and the BF's parents.  Up until the GF was getting into her car to leave, apparently the BF didn't realize she was in so much pain that it was an issue for her, yet GF opted to drive several hours home.  I can absolutely see where the parents would believe the GF was simply being antisocial when choosing to spend time alone in BF's room, especially if the previous times visiting BF and GF spent a lot of time in BF's room (which sounds awful to me, but different people enjoy different things).

Dr. F.

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #143 on: April 24, 2014, 11:14:33 AM »
I get that the GF answered the mom's questions about the disability and volunteered some more information...despite how intrusive that felt.  I am still not putting blame on the parents.  Not because I think the GF should have said more (it's not what she said but the attitude/expectation she came with that I don't like), but because the person that communicated the need to stay one more night didn't even understand the severity of the situation.  If the person asking the question doesn't even know that she's in too much pain to walk, how in the world do you expect that the parents are going to get it? It makes absolutely no sense to blame them when it's almost impossible that they had a clue how bad her situation was.

See, to me, this argument makes no sense. It assumes that there are "magic words" that GF or BF could have used that would have made the parents "get" the GF's situation, and to become welcoming and hospitable. I don't think such words exist. From what I've read, the parents had made up their minds to dislike GF and consider her a user or lazy or whatever, and nothing anyone could have said would have changed their minds. I just don't get how the GF communicating better what her disability may entail could have helped the situation at all.

It also assumes that GF can accurately predict what will happen regarding her disability. I can easily see someone pushing themselves a little too far, in the hopes (IMO vain) of mollifying the parents and participating in everything. Not wise? Perhaps. Maybe she thought she could get away with it.

I'm putting myself in GF's position. I don't have a disability, but I do have a sensitive stomach. I also catch the flu easily. Let's say I get to BF's parent's house, and eat too much rich food or come down with the flu. I'm in no state to drive home. They refuse to let me stay another day to recover, and consider me rude that I spent the previous day in bed. Should I have alerted them ahead of time that I may have been exposed to influenza and might need to stay another day? Should I offend them by refusing to eat some of their food to keep from getting ill? Stuff happens. Sometimes you just can't predict the outcomes. Polite, gracious people roll with it and make others feel welcome. The parents failed there. I don't see how the GF communicating more could have changed their responses for the better, and quite possibly have made things worse.

JenJay

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #144 on: April 24, 2014, 11:18:08 AM »
I think it is beyond rude to expect someone to be in physical pain in order to participate in your holiday activities/socialization.

Yes, me too!  Which is why I think the GF should have communicated what her issues were and how she expected to be accommodated, preferably before the visit.

I guess I just don't understand what the GF was supposed to do here. Explain in a point-by-point memo exactly what she would do if a happened, or b, or c? Now, if I sit for 3 hours I may need to walk around for 15 minutes, but if I sit for 1 hour I only need to walk around for 5? How could she even know all this or possibly account for every potential situation? I think this is getting in to "ask people to predict the future" and is unfair.

What accommodations? The only accommodation she required was a bed after she exerted herself too much.  Before that, she took care of it herself by walking around, taking pain meds, ect.

I think that the parents behaved terribly, BF needs to grow up, and have yet to see any explanations that convince me otherwise.

Yep. And per OP's most recent post they did know fully (her word) all about her disability, so I believe they knew she may end up needing to spend a day or two in bed. For them to then turn around and deny her a place to stay, call her unsociable, and tell Boyfriend that she wasn't welcome back until she "changed" is disgusting.

Well, if she communicated everything so perfectly, then there's nothing left for her to do but break up with her boyfriend.  Afterall, despite all her perfect communication, he wasn't smart enough to understand how hurt she was until after she started walking to the car.  This family isn't disgusting...they are obviously just really stupid.

If she never showed how much of an intrusion it was or how uncomfortable she was with the families friendliness on her first visit, then the family is just crazy.  Obviously, they were being overly nice to her to throw her off so they can be cruel to her later.  And besides, how crazy is it to ask every single friend that thier son has to call them "mom and dad"...since clearly there's no reason for them to think that their son was bringing the girlfriend home to 'meet the family'?

Or maybe they're the type of people who hear what they want to hear and then expect everyone to behave how they prefer? Like the ones who go "Oh, you don't like broccoli? Well you haven't had it my way! Let me put some on your plate..." or "I know you said you're allergic to mayo, but I put just a little bit in the salad you just ate and you're fine!" or "I know you said you have a debilitating injury, but I'd prefer you get up an socialize."

I also don't understand why Boyfriend didn't realize the extent of the pain until Girlfriend got up to walk to her car, and I do question how if he didn't know the extent then how could they have known? I think the point some of us are trying to make is that they didn't need to know the extent of Girlfriend's pain, just that it was bad enough that she didn't feel able to drive home and she was asking permission to stay. Is it acceptable to say to a guest "What do you mean you're in too much pain to drive home? How bad is your pain? What is the cause? What did you do to exacerbate it? How could I have helped?" Why does it matter?

TurtleDove

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #145 on: April 24, 2014, 11:18:46 AM »
I get that the GF answered the mom's questions about the disability and volunteered some more information...despite how intrusive that felt.  I am still not putting blame on the parents.  Not because I think the GF should have said more (it's not what she said but the attitude/expectation she came with that I don't like), but because the person that communicated the need to stay one more night didn't even understand the severity of the situation.  If the person asking the question doesn't even know that she's in too much pain to walk, how in the world do you expect that the parents are going to get it? It makes absolutely no sense to blame them when it's almost impossible that they had a clue how bad her situation was.

See, to me, this argument makes no sense. It assumes that there are "magic words" that GF or BF could have used that would have made the parents "get" the GF's situation, and to become welcoming and hospitable. I don't think such words exist. From what I've read, the parents had made up their minds to dislike GF and consider her a user or lazy or whatever, and nothing anyone could have said would have changed their minds. I just don't get how the GF communicating better what her disability may entail could have helped the situation at all.

It also assumes that GF can accurately predict what will happen regarding her disability. I can easily see someone pushing themselves a little too far, in the hopes (IMO vain) of mollifying the parents and participating in everything. Not wise? Perhaps. Maybe she thought she could get away with it.

I'm putting myself in GF's position. I don't have a disability, but I do have a sensitive stomach. I also catch the flu easily. Let's say I get to BF's parent's house, and eat too much rich food or come down with the flu. I'm in no state to drive home. They refuse to let me stay another day to recover, and consider me rude that I spent the previous day in bed. Should I have alerted them ahead of time that I may have been exposed to influenza and might need to stay another day? Should I offend them by refusing to eat some of their food to keep from getting ill? Stuff happens. Sometimes you just can't predict the outcomes. Polite, gracious people roll with it and make others feel welcome. The parents failed there. I don't see how the GF communicating more could have changed their responses for the better, and quite possibly have made things worse.

To me, the point is that GF did not even communicate to her BF that she was in so much pain that she needed to stay an extra day, and she in fact did drive home.  The OP tells us the BF did not understand until the GF was already at her car ready to go home, presumably after packing her things and saying goodbyes and all that.  I suspect that the parents had no idea that the reason GF was being antisocial was because she was in too much pain to leave her BF's room.  It seems not even BF understood this, so how could he have communicated it to his parents?

bah12

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #146 on: April 24, 2014, 11:24:58 AM »
I think it is beyond rude to expect someone to be in physical pain in order to participate in your holiday activities/socialization.

Yes, me too!  Which is why I think the GF should have communicated what her issues were and how she expected to be accommodated, preferably before the visit.

I guess I just don't understand what the GF was supposed to do here. Explain in a point-by-point memo exactly what she would do if a happened, or b, or c? Now, if I sit for 3 hours I may need to walk around for 15 minutes, but if I sit for 1 hour I only need to walk around for 5? How could she even know all this or possibly account for every potential situation? I think this is getting in to "ask people to predict the future" and is unfair.

What accommodations? The only accommodation she required was a bed after she exerted herself too much.  Before that, she took care of it herself by walking around, taking pain meds, ect.

I think that the parents behaved terribly, BF needs to grow up, and have yet to see any explanations that convince me otherwise.

Yep. And per OP's most recent post they did know fully (her word) all about her disability, so I believe they knew she may end up needing to spend a day or two in bed. For them to then turn around and deny her a place to stay, call her unsociable, and tell Boyfriend that she wasn't welcome back until she "changed" is disgusting.

Well, if she communicated everything so perfectly, then there's nothing left for her to do but break up with her boyfriend.  Afterall, despite all her perfect communication, he wasn't smart enough to understand how hurt she was until after she started walking to the car.  This family isn't disgusting...they are obviously just really stupid.

If she never showed how much of an intrusion it was or how uncomfortable she was with the families friendliness on her first visit, then the family is just crazy.  Obviously, they were being overly nice to her to throw her off so they can be cruel to her later.  And besides, how crazy is it to ask every single friend that thier son has to call them "mom and dad"...since clearly there's no reason for them to think that their son was bringing the girlfriend home to 'meet the family'?

Or maybe they're the type of people who hear what they want to hear and then expect everyone to behave how they prefer? Like the ones who go "Oh, you don't like broccoli? Well you haven't had it my way! Let me put some on your plate..." or "I know you said you're allergic to mayo, but I put just a little bit in the salad you just ate and you're fine!" or "I know you said you have a debilitating injury, but I'd prefer you get up an socialize."

I also don't understand why Boyfriend didn't realize the extent of the pain until Girlfriend got up to walk to her car, and I do question how if he didn't know the extent then how could they have known? I think the point some of us are trying to make is that they didn't need to know the extent of Girlfriend's pain, just that it was bad enough that she didn't feel able to drive home and she was asking permission to stay. Is it acceptable to say to a guest "What do you mean you're in too much pain to drive home? How bad is your pain? What is the cause? What did you do to exacerbate it? How could I have helped?" Why does it matter?

Yeah, I'm sure you're right. No room for understanding here.  Just awful, hateful people.

And I didn't know that if I'm being asked to provide accommodations for someone that I have absolutely no right to know why those accommodations are being extended.  Oh, you need my home, shower, food for a night?  Sure!  What right do I have to know why...take whatever you want anytime you want.  Don't mind me, I just live here and pay the bills.

TurtleDove

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #147 on: April 24, 2014, 11:26:43 AM »
I think the point some of us are trying to make is that they didn't need to know the extent of Girlfriend's pain, just that it was bad enough that she didn't feel able to drive home and she was asking permission to stay. Is it acceptable to say to a guest "What do you mean you're in too much pain to drive home? How bad is your pain? What is the cause? What did you do to exacerbate it? How could I have helped?" Why does it matter?

I personally would not likely have kicked my son's girlfriend out of my house, but then my adult son would never be living with me so that is a completely moot point.  I do think it is important to recall that this is day two after the day where the GF apparently overdid it sitting around.  She has already spent an entire day in bed recuperating.  If the pain is so bad even with prescription pain meds that she needs another day laying in bed, if it were me I would be sending her to the ER.  If this is typical for GF, then it is very surprising that BF would not have known that and communicated it to his parents.  If it is atypical, I would wonder why GF was not taking steps to get to the ER since something very strange was happening.

JenJay

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #148 on: April 24, 2014, 11:30:13 AM »
I think it is beyond rude to expect someone to be in physical pain in order to participate in your holiday activities/socialization.

Yes, me too!  Which is why I think the GF should have communicated what her issues were and how she expected to be accommodated, preferably before the visit.

I guess I just don't understand what the GF was supposed to do here. Explain in a point-by-point memo exactly what she would do if a happened, or b, or c? Now, if I sit for 3 hours I may need to walk around for 15 minutes, but if I sit for 1 hour I only need to walk around for 5? How could she even know all this or possibly account for every potential situation? I think this is getting in to "ask people to predict the future" and is unfair.

What accommodations? The only accommodation she required was a bed after she exerted herself too much.  Before that, she took care of it herself by walking around, taking pain meds, ect.

I think that the parents behaved terribly, BF needs to grow up, and have yet to see any explanations that convince me otherwise.

Yep. And per OP's most recent post they did know fully (her word) all about her disability, so I believe they knew she may end up needing to spend a day or two in bed. For them to then turn around and deny her a place to stay, call her unsociable, and tell Boyfriend that she wasn't welcome back until she "changed" is disgusting.

Well, if she communicated everything so perfectly, then there's nothing left for her to do but break up with her boyfriend.  Afterall, despite all her perfect communication, he wasn't smart enough to understand how hurt she was until after she started walking to the car.  This family isn't disgusting...they are obviously just really stupid.

If she never showed how much of an intrusion it was or how uncomfortable she was with the families friendliness on her first visit, then the family is just crazy.  Obviously, they were being overly nice to her to throw her off so they can be cruel to her later.  And besides, how crazy is it to ask every single friend that thier son has to call them "mom and dad"...since clearly there's no reason for them to think that their son was bringing the girlfriend home to 'meet the family'?

Or maybe they're the type of people who hear what they want to hear and then expect everyone to behave how they prefer? Like the ones who go "Oh, you don't like broccoli? Well you haven't had it my way! Let me put some on your plate..." or "I know you said you're allergic to mayo, but I put just a little bit in the salad you just ate and you're fine!" or "I know you said you have a debilitating injury, but I'd prefer you get up an socialize."

I also don't understand why Boyfriend didn't realize the extent of the pain until Girlfriend got up to walk to her car, and I do question how if he didn't know the extent then how could they have known? I think the point some of us are trying to make is that they didn't need to know the extent of Girlfriend's pain, just that it was bad enough that she didn't feel able to drive home and she was asking permission to stay. Is it acceptable to say to a guest "What do you mean you're in too much pain to drive home? How bad is your pain? What is the cause? What did you do to exacerbate it? How could I have helped?" Why does it matter?

Yeah, I'm sure you're right. No room for understanding here.  Just awful, hateful people.

And I didn't know that if I'm being asked to provide accommodations for someone that I have absolutely no right to know why those accommodations are being extended.  Oh, you need my home, shower, food for a night?  Sure!  What right do I have to know why...take whatever you want anytime you want.  Don't mind me, I just live here and pay the bills.

I don't understand why you're being so sarcastic with me? I'm not trying to argue with you, I was just enjoying the discussion.

I think this thread has reached a point of division and won't really progress unless the OP comes back and clarifies whether or not BF's parents knew the extent of her pain and her reason for staying in bed all day. I'm going to bow out until we hear from her again.

Lynn2000

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #149 on: April 24, 2014, 11:42:24 AM »
I've read all the replies and I think I agree with a little of each idea. Because we are unlikely to ever hear from BF or the parents to understand their point of view, everything is conjecture so all I can do is think about what I would do, or would hope to do in the same situation and to me it all comes down to the lessen my mother taught me when I was little "always be gracious" and I think it applies to everyone in this story.

Parents - might not have understood what the heck was going on with "rude, quiet, lazy, disabled" (my guesses) girlfriend but if she was a guest in my home, knowing she would leave eventually, I would have said "of course she can stay another night. Does she need anything? A Dr? A heat pack? And then shown no frustration with having her but if I felt that strongly after she left, I would sit BF down and say "sorry son, but we found your GF difficult and would prefer not to entertain her again" depending on the agreement between BF and his parents about staying there.

But also...

GF - since the Op stated that both the GF and the BF were aware the xmas visit would be about more family time and not just their own time, and especially since the parents had to be convinced to have GF over, if I was GF i would have taken a small hostess gift, thanked parents for having me, discreetly moved around and taken meds as required, and when I couldn't get out of bed due to pain, asked to speak to mother quietly in private, apologise for any inconvenience, briefly explain the situation and give a guestimate of when I'd be able to leave. be an adult about it and not just stay silent and leave it up to BF (who sounds a bit clueless to me) to muddle his way through talking to his parents.

I think there are some good points here. Perhaps due to earlier misunderstandings that were not cleared up, it seems like by the Christmas visit neither side was really trying as hard as they might have, or at least not as effectively as they could have. I mean, yes, Girlfriend tried to be sociable, and ended up really knocking herself for a loop; but it seems like she didn't directly talk to the parents after she became ill, leaving it up to Boyfriend to transmit the message. Considering the misunderstandings he hadn't detected/cleared up before, in hindsight this probably wasn't a good idea.

But also, I think a gracious host would've let the guest stay one more day, unless for some reason it was truly impossible, and then after the guest left, the parents could've said to Boyfriend, "We didn't like her and don't want her in our house again."

And the fact that they can, apparently, say that and expect it to happen tells me that this is not a tenant/landlord agreement, but rather, "We're the grown-ups and this is our home and you have to do what we say." And if Boyfriend is willing to continue living under that arrangement, I wouldn't have much confidence in a future with him as Girlfriend.
~Lynn2000