Author Topic: What do you all think of this?  (Read 17065 times)

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GSNW

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #165 on: April 24, 2014, 03:41:09 PM »
GF needs to be willing to try and clear the air with BF's parents.  The polite thing to do - the adult thing to do - is to try and clear up any misunderstandings IF there are any to clear up.  The polite thing to do is give the benefit of the doubt and stop interpreting the actions of the parents through BF, who does not sound super useful to me.  And if they are proven to be monsters, so be it.  They might be just that.

bah12

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #166 on: April 24, 2014, 03:54:05 PM »

I cannot wrap my head around a scenario where it would be ok to expect your host to allow you to stay for longer than originally agreed to and at the same time telling them they are being intrusive to know why.  In this case, the BF asked the parents if GF could stay an extra day to 'recover', but since he didn't even understand how bad it was for her, I'm not sure why anyone expects the parents to get it. Or even the argument that they aren't owed the information.

As someone who thinks the parents behaved horribly, I do think that the argument that if even the BF didn't know the extent of her pain she didn't communicate it well enough is a good one. I can see the GF perhaps trying to mask her condition to not make a big deal and having this backfire on her. So I would agree that (if she didn't) the GF needs to say, "I'm in a lot of pain and I need to lie down until it's better."

     -That being said, it seems like deliberate obtuseness to claim that you have no possible idea why a disabled person with chronic pain would 1)need to lay down for a day 2) need an extra day to recover. We always tell people to assume the best on Ehell. In this case, the parents assumed the worst. And then, when presented with evidence and explanations (even after the fact) they still didn't care and now expect GF to "change."

They know she has a spinal injury and chronic pain. Yet, their first assumption is that she's in bed all day because she's anti-social and standoffish? After she spent the whole day with the family? Really? Either they really don't get her disability, are miserable people who always assume the worst, just plain don't like her, or they are stupid.

I guess I can sum up this rambling post with this: I agree that the GF should have been clear that she was in bed because she was suffering and in pain, but I think the parents should have been aware enough (knowing her situation) and gracious enough to handle this even if they didn't have those exact words said to them.

Well, I know I for one, would understand that someone with chronic pain would need to lay down, but like I said, for two days would seem extreme to me.  I'd be knocking on her door asking about going to the hospital.

Anyway, I do agree that we should assume the best of everyone. And if I were talking to the mom right now, I would tell her that she needs to step back and have some sympathy for someone who is in chronic pain and understand that they aren't always going to be perky and present.  That her over-zelousness at the beginning might have made GF uncomfortable and that if her BF stays in his room all day, she might have been taking cues from him and not making a statement about her personally.  I would also tell her that this is the woman that her son is in a committed relationship with and even if she's not the exact person she had in mind for him, she needs to respect his choice and do her best to understand and be friendly and accommodating to her.

I'm not talking to the mom though. I (think) I'm talking to the GF.  So, I'm going to tell her the same thing.  You need to assume the best of the mom.  All your info is from your BF (who shouldn't be passing this stuff off to you).  You clearly weren't comfortable with her over-friendliness and you clearly weren't comfortable telling her about your disability, so you shouldn't expect her to automatically be super understanding of you having to stay in bed for two days, that she might actually tie the first meeting and your susquent injury together unwittingly.  If you have never been around someone with your condition, you need to understand that a two day bed stay is abnormal.  And if you tried to act normal to appease your worry of how your condition might affect her son, then you shouldn't be so surprised that she didn't realize you weren't 'normal' or that your bed rest wasn't tied to your discomfort for before.  This is your BFs mom and he lives with her, so I think you need to figure out how to approach her from a place of  understanding and try to understand what she was thinking before deciding you won't ever talk to her again.

mich3554

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #167 on: April 24, 2014, 03:54:39 PM »
The thing is, the BF pays his parents rent and by all descriptions, is a lodger in their home.  He has his own food, he eats alone, his bedroom is also his study and living room.  That means he AND his guest should have unfettered access in the area of the house he rents without input from his parents.

He was being polite to ask them if he could have a guest, but he *should* have been able to have his GF stay with him, in his room, with no repercussions.

lorelai

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #168 on: April 24, 2014, 03:57:57 PM »
GF needs to be willing to try and clear the air with BF's parents.  The polite thing to do - the adult thing to do - is to try and clear up any misunderstandings IF there are any to clear up.  The polite thing to do is give the benefit of the doubt and stop interpreting the actions of the parents through BF, who does not sound super useful to me.  And if they are proven to be monsters, so be it.  They might be just that.

His parents made it clear that they think they did nothing wrong and she owes them an apology. I'm not sure what clearing the air would do with people who are determined against her dating their son because of her disability.

mich3554

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #169 on: April 24, 2014, 04:00:06 PM »
for two days would seem extreme to me.  I'd be knocking on her door asking about going to the hospital.

Shouldn't the GF know if her condition is severe enough to go to the hospital?

Again, using my own experiences, I know when my pain is at a point where I just need to wait it out (like for muscle spasms), or if there is any way medical intervention will help. 

For those of us with chronic pain, 2 days is not extremely long period of time.  That's what makes it so hard.


lowspark

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #170 on: April 24, 2014, 04:00:26 PM »
The thing is, the BF pays his parents rent and by all descriptions, is a lodger in their home.  He has his own food, he eats alone, his bedroom is also his study and living room.  That means he AND his guest should have unfettered access in the area of the house he rents without input from his parents.

He was being polite to ask them if he could have a guest, but he *should* have been able to have his GF stay with him, in his room, with no repercussions.

I agree with the bolded. But the fact that his parents had veto power over this and that BF was (apparently) ok with that points to the fact that is indeed not just a lodger but really just a kid living with his parents. So I don't agree that "by all descriptions" is correct.

HannahGrace

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #171 on: April 24, 2014, 04:06:43 PM »
The thing is, the BF pays his parents rent and by all descriptions, is a lodger in their home.  He has his own food, he eats alone, his bedroom is also his study and living room.  That means he AND his guest should have unfettered access in the area of the house he rents without input from his parents.

He was being polite to ask them if he could have a guest, but he *should* have been able to have his GF stay with him, in his room, with no repercussions.

I agree with the bolded. But the fact that his parents had veto power over this and that BF was (apparently) ok with that points to the fact that is indeed not just a lodger but really just a kid living with his parents. So I don't agree that "by all descriptions" is correct.

Exactly.  The boyfriend, while allegedly an adult (I have no idea of the age range, since I haven't seen it in the thread - is he just over 18? 20?), is apparently beholden to his parents' whims as to who can visit him and stay in his space, whether he pays rent to them or not.  If I were the GF, I would steer clear of that entire situation.  The disability issues seem like a red herring in many ways.

mich3554

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #172 on: April 24, 2014, 04:08:05 PM »
The thing is, the BF pays his parents rent and by all descriptions, is a lodger in their home.  He has his own food, he eats alone, his bedroom is also his study and living room.  That means he AND his guest should have unfettered access in the area of the house he rents without input from his parents.

He was being polite to ask them if he could have a guest, but he *should* have been able to have his GF stay with him, in his room, with no repercussions.

I agree with the bolded. But the fact that his parents had veto power over this and that BF was (apparently) ok with that points to the fact that is indeed not just a lodger but really just a kid living with his parents. So I don't agree that "by all descriptions" is correct.

I agree.....the comments are contradictory.  Either he is a lodger who does not have to ask his parents for permission to have a house guest, or he is a grown adult who is still living with his parents.

My parents always told me that when I paid for the roof over my head, I could make my own decisions and I agree with this.  But as he is paying rent and whether him paying rent is a benefit to the BF or the parents, he is paying for the roof over his head and should be able to make these sorts of decisions.

bah12

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #173 on: April 24, 2014, 04:09:50 PM »
for two days would seem extreme to me.  I'd be knocking on her door asking about going to the hospital.

Shouldn't the GF know if her condition is severe enough to go to the hospital?

Again, using my own experiences, I know when my pain is at a point where I just need to wait it out (like for muscle spasms), or if there is any way medical intervention will help. 

For those of us with chronic pain, 2 days is not extremely long period of time.  That's what makes it so hard.

I think she should...but now I'm confused. You told me that you don't always know how bad it will get or what will cause it so you can't even communicate the possiblity that you'd be in bed for two days ahead of time.  If being in bed for two or more days is something that happens, then why couldn't you communicate it to a host that doesn't know this before hand? Especialy if it's something that can happen without warning?

 And if it never happened before, then why would you know that you don't need to go to the doctor?  And even knowing this, why couldn't you communicate that you'll be laid up for a few days, due to your injury, but that you don't need more?

bah12

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #174 on: April 24, 2014, 04:11:51 PM »
The thing is, the BF pays his parents rent and by all descriptions, is a lodger in their home.  He has his own food, he eats alone, his bedroom is also his study and living room.  That means he AND his guest should have unfettered access in the area of the house he rents without input from his parents.

He was being polite to ask them if he could have a guest, but he *should* have been able to have his GF stay with him, in his room, with no repercussions.

I agree with the bolded. But the fact that his parents had veto power over this and that BF was (apparently) ok with that points to the fact that is indeed not just a lodger but really just a kid living with his parents. So I don't agree that "by all descriptions" is correct.

I agree.....the comments are contradictory.  Either he is a lodger who does not have to ask his parents for permission to have a house guest, or he is a grown adult who is still living with his parents.

My parents always told me that when I paid for the roof over my head, I could make my own decisions and I agree with this.  But as he is paying rent and whether him paying rent is a benefit to the BF or the parents, he is paying for the roof over his head and should be able to make these sorts of decisions.

This is something that is between BF and parents.  We can all agree that he should have been able to do this, but the fact remains that he couldn't.  It doesn't mean that the parents aren't owed some respect as hosts.

lowspark

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #175 on: April 24, 2014, 04:15:22 PM »
I keep thinking about how I, as a parent of two grown boys, would react to a similar situation, i.e., son's GF spending a holiday with us and then retreating to son's room for a couple of days with no further contact. Thing is, as someone else said upthread, I wouldn't allow my son to rent a room from me in the first place. Maybe under extreme circumstances? I just can't think of any. Once you're grown up enough to have a full time job, you need to move out and stand on your own two feet.

But that brings me to a question I brought up earlier. If we throw out the part about GF staying with BF overnight in the first place, if BF didn't live with his parents but had GF spend the holiday with him and his parents, and this pain situation had come up, what would she have done?

mich3554

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #176 on: April 24, 2014, 04:29:51 PM »
for two days would seem extreme to me.  I'd be knocking on her door asking about going to the hospital.

Shouldn't the GF know if her condition is severe enough to go to the hospital?

Again, using my own experiences, I know when my pain is at a point where I just need to wait it out (like for muscle spasms), or if there is any way medical intervention will help. 

For those of us with chronic pain, 2 days is not extremely long period of time.  That's what makes it so hard.

I think she should...but now I'm confused. You told me that you don't always know how bad it will get or what will cause it so you can't even communicate the possiblity that you'd be in bed for two days ahead of time.  If being in bed for two or more days is something that happens, then why couldn't you communicate it to a host that doesn't know this before hand? Especialy if it's something that can happen without warning?

 And if it never happened before, then why would you know that you don't need to go to the doctor?  And even knowing this, why couldn't you communicate that you'll be laid up for a few days, due to your injury, but that you don't need more?

Have you ever had muscle spasms?  I'm not talking about a charley horse where your calf or foot cramps, but where your muscle continues to spasm for hours on end and nothing stops it?  That is a very good example of what would cause someone to be like this.  If you have the meds with you and take them, then all you have to do is wait for them to kick in.  Going to the hospital won't help because they'll likely give you the same thing you've already taken and send you home (BTDT).

In my experience, the longer you wait to take them, the longer they take to kick in.  Also in my experience, taking them knocks me on my tail and I no longer become sociable, all I want to do is drowse off and on.  I think that the last time I took them, I stayed in bed and saw 1/3 of about each of 8 James Bond films during a marathon on TNT.  I was incapable of staying awake long enough to watch an entire film.


GSNW

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #177 on: April 24, 2014, 04:33:49 PM »
GF needs to be willing to try and clear the air with BF's parents.  The polite thing to do - the adult thing to do - is to try and clear up any misunderstandings IF there are any to clear up.  The polite thing to do is give the benefit of the doubt and stop interpreting the actions of the parents through BF, who does not sound super useful to me.  And if they are proven to be monsters, so be it.  They might be just that.

His parents made it clear that they think they did nothing wrong and she owes them an apology. I'm not sure what clearing the air would do with people who are determined against her dating their son because of her disability.

This speculation is based on GF's point of view, based on her (understandable) anger, and based on what her BF has told her.  She needs to sit down with the parents and her BF like an adult and make an attempt to clarify her point of view and potentially understand theirs.  If they're determined to be monsters, then that's that.  But to do nothing and simply write them off at this point seems silly.

Elfmama

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #178 on: April 24, 2014, 04:43:50 PM »
I get that the GF answered the mom's questions about the disability and volunteered some more information...despite how intrusive that felt.  I am still not putting blame on the parents.  Not because I think the GF should have said more (it's not what she said but the attitude/expectation she came with that I don't like), but because the person that communicated the need to stay one more night didn't even understand the severity of the situation.  If the person asking the question doesn't even know that she's in too much pain to walk, how in the world do you expect that the parents are going to get it? It makes absolutely no sense to blame them when it's almost impossible that they had a clue how bad her situation was.

See, to me, this argument makes no sense. It assumes that there are "magic words" that GF or BF could have used that would have made the parents "get" the GF's situation, and to become welcoming and hospitable. I don't think such words exist. From what I've read, the parents had made up their minds to dislike GF and consider her a user or lazy or whatever, and nothing anyone could have said would have changed their minds. I just don't get how the GF communicating better what her disability may entail could have helped the situation at all.
Exactly.  Some of us have tried for 10 or 20 or 30 years to find the magic words that would make our BF/DH's parents like and understand us.  There are no such words.  If your Boyfriend/Husband's mother has made up her mind to dislike you, nothing that you will ever do or say can change that.  The BF's mother in this account has made up her mind that the GF would be a millstone around his neck, and is doing her level best to drive her away.

My MIL was one such person.  She started disliking me before she even met me; I ran across a letter from her to DH in a pile of paperwork after we married.  She said some really hateful things, including that I was sleeping around while we were separated and would probably be pregnant with another man's child when we got married.  (I was in Texas, finishing school, and he was stationed in Alaska.  MIL was in New York and had never met me.)

And in an exact parallel to this letter, we were visiting once when I was heavily pregnant with DD1, their first grandchild.  I was in severe pain in my hips and pelvis from what was probably my first fibromyalgia flare combined with the loosening ligaments pre-birth, and could barely walk for the pain.  Climbing stairs was agony, to the point that I had to stop after every 3rd or 4th step to let it ease and gather enough energy to go on.  MIL saw this, and mentioned to DH that I was "walking like an old woman." And her loving response?  She tried to tell me that the downstairs powder room was "only for guests and family" and that I should go upstairs to the main bathroom when I needed to pee.  (At that point in my  pregnancy, that was about every hour.)  I ignored her, and  used the powder room anyway.

I think that's exactly what the BF's mother here did.  She dislikes the GF, thinks she's a burden, and can't wait to get rid of her.  She only tolerated her during the holiday because that was the only way to make her son stay, and now that Xmas was over, hopes to break them up by criticizing her and driving her away.  That the GF was in pain was a bonus.  Cause her enough pain, and she'll see that she can't possibly be the right mate for Sonnyboy. 
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bah12

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #179 on: April 24, 2014, 04:46:44 PM »
for two days would seem extreme to me.  I'd be knocking on her door asking about going to the hospital.

Shouldn't the GF know if her condition is severe enough to go to the hospital?

Again, using my own experiences, I know when my pain is at a point where I just need to wait it out (like for muscle spasms), or if there is any way medical intervention will help. 

For those of us with chronic pain, 2 days is not extremely long period of time.  That's what makes it so hard.

I think she should...but now I'm confused. You told me that you don't always know how bad it will get or what will cause it so you can't even communicate the possiblity that you'd be in bed for two days ahead of time.  If being in bed for two or more days is something that happens, then why couldn't you communicate it to a host that doesn't know this before hand? Especialy if it's something that can happen without warning?

 And if it never happened before, then why would you know that you don't need to go to the doctor?  And even knowing this, why couldn't you communicate that you'll be laid up for a few days, due to your injury, but that you don't need more?

Have you ever had muscle spasms?  I'm not talking about a charley horse where your calf or foot cramps, but where your muscle continues to spasm for hours on end and nothing stops it?  That is a very good example of what would cause someone to be like this.  If you have the meds with you and take them, then all you have to do is wait for them to kick in.  Going to the hospital won't help because they'll likely give you the same thing you've already taken and send you home (BTDT).

In my experience, the longer you wait to take them, the longer they take to kick in.  Also in my experience, taking them knocks me on my tail and I no longer become sociable, all I want to do is drowse off and on.  I think that the last time I took them, I stayed in bed and saw 1/3 of about each of 8 James Bond films during a marathon on TNT.  I was incapable of staying awake long enough to watch an entire film.

I've never had muscle spasms for two days. If I did, I would want to call a doctor because something would seem very wrong.  As a matter of fact, about six months ago, I experienced sever pain in my upper back. I thought it was an injury from a workout I did, but after 24 hours when I still didn't feel like I could get out of bed, I called my doctor and was advised to go in.  It turned out to be what I thought, but I didn't know that intuitively.

But that's not what I want to argue. What I don't understand is that you do seem to understand what can happen (even if you don't know what will trigger it) and that these things can happen often enough that it doesn't surprise you. I therefore don't understand why you wouldn't feel it necessary to tell someone that is hosting you, that if you do have to stay in bed for a few days, it's not because of them but because of a chronic condition you have?