Author Topic: What do you all think of this?  (Read 16251 times)

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TootsNYC

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #15 on: April 22, 2014, 03:29:01 PM »
I don't get this:

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On Christmas Day, Girlfriend spent the entire day in the sitting room with the family. By the time other guests were leaving, she was in considerable pain from sitting around for so long.

Why did girlfriend continue sitting in the room if she was in pain? She should have excused herself citing her health.

I wondered that as well.

Maybe Girlfriend felt it was so crucial to be there on the holiday, and that it wouldn't be understood that she needed to go lie down.
   And of course, you don't always know how it's going to go. A learning experience for her, perhaps. (a painful one)
   I really only bring it up to say that I hope someone encourages Girlfriend to feel that she *could* say, "I'm not feeling well, I'm going to take an hour out to rest my back." and retreat from the gathering.

I'm also hoping that if she'd used that tactic, then she might have been able to be more present w/ the rest of the family the next day. And that it might work for her in the future.


I was going to wonder if you were my sister-in-love, except for some of the details. AND, my ILs never have been unsympathetic to her pain. (They *have* felt she wasn't the best mate for their son because of her disabilities. I don't know whether they ever said anything to him; they hinted it to me. They got over it.)

I think the parents were rudest. To be so unsympathetic to her pain!

I think Boyfriend needed to run interference for her more aggressively. A learning experience for him. (I know my BIL is really proactive about looking after his lady at family gatherings--but then, he also doesn't really have to, bcs nobody thinks less of her when she needs to retreat to manage her pain.)

I do think that the Christmas visit was more of a "family visit" than a "boyfriend visit." And so I'd have expected her to have made some effort to interact w/ the greater family on the other days.

Were I Boyfriend, I'd have been flabbergasted if my parents said my guest couldn't stay another day.
   The fact that they refused this actually argues *against* the idea that he's a son in his parents' house. I cannot fathom a parent refusing that to a child of the house. To a lodger, yes; not to a beloved son.

And yeah, as Girlfriend, I wouldn't ever visit. I might not have wanted my Boyfriend to say, "she didn't feel welcome." He can say, "I felt you made her unwelcome," but I wouldn't want him to put critical words in my mouth.


I'm also sort of amazed at this:

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Then Boyfriend’s parents decided they were going to host a big family Christmas and made it clear they expected him to be there for it, even though they knew he had made other plans. Boyfriend explained that he was already committed to spending Christmas with Girlfriend at her home. Mother stepped up the pressure and finally, when she realised Boyfriend was not going to cave in, she invited Girlfriend to join the family Christmas.

She doesn't say this immediately?

I don't like these parents.

bah12

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #16 on: April 22, 2014, 03:29:38 PM »
The fact that BF is paying rent is what really steams me about the parents not allowing her to extend her visit. IMO, if someone is paying rent, especially a family member, they should have greater weight in the decision about who stays how long. I do not think it is at all fair that it would be up to the whims of the parents alone. She's already been to the big holiday thing, so it can't possibly be about her imposing on previous plans. Even if so, she's (I'm assuming) eating BF's food and taking up BF's space, not theirs.

The other shoulda/coulda/woulda is that BF should have driven GF to a hotel and stayed with her there so she could lay down until the next day for the drive.

I don't think paying rent has anything to do with it.  They still get to set the terms and rules of the lodging the provide for the price that's paid.  If the BF wants to think of himself as a lodger and not a son living with his parents, then I don't think he gets to simulatneously argue that he's a son living with his parents and should get special consideration on the rules.

What should have made a difference, is that her staying an extra day was due to a medical issue.  It seems completely cold-hearted to insist that someone that physically can't leave, do so.  Which  makes me wonder is this a cause of the mother's horrible personality or caused by her not understanding why the GF needed to stay.  Since all the visits seemed to be miscommunicated in some way, I'm leaning towards the latter.  I guess the OP would need to clarify at this point.

mich3554

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #17 on: April 22, 2014, 03:30:41 PM »
And if I was the GF, I would have asked that my BF take me to a hotel to stay long enough so that I could drive home.  There is no way I would stay under that roof, and no way I would stay in a place where I was made to feel so crappy.


TootsNYC

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #18 on: April 22, 2014, 03:32:26 PM »
... him requesting permission for GF to stay seems to imply that overnights and extended stays isn't one of the agreed upon conditions of living there.


I agree, which is why I think he shouldn't have asked. He should have simply announced. "Girlfriend can't drive back today--she's in too much pain. She'll have to leave tomorrow."
   Now, of course, there's the problem of whether he has to go back to work, and she has to stay in the house by herself, but he should figure that out somehow.

Kaymar

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #19 on: April 22, 2014, 03:32:43 PM »
And if I was the GF, I would have asked that my BF take me to a hotel to stay long enough so that I could drive home.  There is no way I would stay under that roof, and no way I would stay in a place where I was made to feel so crappy.

Agree x 1000.  I don't know why he didn't immediately offer to take GF to a hotel.  That is what I would have done (along with getting my act in gear to get my own place as an adult, but I've never lived with my parents since I was 18 so it's hard to relate to that part at all).

mich3554

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #20 on: April 22, 2014, 03:33:35 PM »
I wondered that as well.

Maybe Girlfriend felt it was so crucial to be there on the holiday, and that it wouldn't be understood that she needed to go lie down.
   And of course, you don't always know how it's going to go. A learning experience for her, perhaps. (a painful one)
   I really only bring it up to say that I hope someone encourages Girlfriend to feel that she *could* say, "I'm not feeling well, I'm going to take an hour out to rest my back." and retreat from the gathering.


This is really easier said than done.  While you can do this at home without a problem, it DOES become an issue in a social situation.  And for me, once the pain starts, an hour away isn't going to help.  It's going to take a good 12 hours to go away.

TootsNYC

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #21 on: April 22, 2014, 03:35:12 PM »
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While you can do this at home without a problem, it DOES become an issue in a social situation.

I would just want to encourage someone in Girlfriend's situation to remember that safety -does- trump etiquette. And that she's entitled to *try* to shepherd her resources and protect her health.

lilihob

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #22 on: April 22, 2014, 03:45:33 PM »
Unfortunately, when you marry a man, you often marry the family.
Reading this, I see a pair of parents who can't/won't empathize with, and don't want, a disabled person in the family.
Or/and, a spineless man-child, who throws his GF under the bus, and allowed her to be turfed out while in pain.
He allowed her to drive home.
Bye bye, let his mama have him.

mich3554

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #23 on: April 22, 2014, 03:48:03 PM »
Quote
While you can do this at home without a problem, it DOES become an issue in a social situation.

I would just want to encourage someone in Girlfriend's situation to remember that safety -does- trump etiquette. And that she's entitled to *try* to shepherd her resources and protect her health.

For me, it's not an etiquette issue but more of recognition.  When you have a lot of things going around you to distract you, you really don't recognize that your discomfort is no longer mere discomfort, but outright pain.  And by then, it's too late.




Lynn2000

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #24 on: April 22, 2014, 03:50:46 PM »
I agree with those who see miscommunications and misunderstandings snowballing. Unless the parents are truly horrible people, it sounds to me like they simply didn't understand the extent of Girlfriend's medical condition and what consequences it could have. For example, equating lying in bed all day in terrible pain, with being antisocial--again, they could be horrible people; but they could also be people who really don't understand the nature of her disability, what can set it off, and what level of pain she's talking about.

I think it's really Boyfriend's responsibility to see that this is communicated; and Girlfriend should also be advocating for herself, as others have said. I do understand being private about medical stuff and also about things not always being predictable, but those things can also be part of the discussion with the owners of the home you're staying in.

I also see a conflict between what Girlfriend's visits meant to Boyfriend, and what they meant to his parents. It seems to me that they had different expectations, and when the parents' expectations weren't met, Girlfriend was blamed as being a bad influence. That is something Boyfriend needs to be super-conscious of, and correct.

When they asked when Girlfriend would be back, and Boyfriend said she wouldn't, the parents should not have had to "push for details" about why; nor should Boyfriend have gone into a discussion about the nuances of the visit. The fact is, Girlfriend was in horrible pain due to her medical condition and she was told to leave anyway, with no sympathy but rather suspicions about her true motives and activities (while in bed in pain). I respect the homeowners' right to say that she can't stay longer, but they could be nice about it, to their son's girlfriend who had just spent Christmas with them and is having a medical issue. Boyfriend should have given this interpretation of events to his parents as soon as he returned from seeing Girlfriend safely home (I too am wondering why he didn't drive/accompany her), not made them pry it out of him later.

I think Boyfriend really needs to move out and make a separation between his space and his parents' space; communicate clearly with his parents about Girlfriend's disability; and try to get both parties to start over with a clean slate, if they're to have any relationship at all going forward. In Girlfriend's position I definitely wouldn't want to associate with the parents again, and I would also be frustrated with Boyfriend for not being of more assistance.

Side story: This reminds me of something that happened to my friend Jill. She was dating this guy, John, and spent a day at Christmas with his family. This being the Midwest, the weather turned horrible and there was literally a blizzard outside. Her original plan had been to drive to her dad's house in another town (different suburbs of the same city) to spend the night, but seeing the weather, John and Jill asked if she could spend the night at his parents' house--she would be sleeping on the couch in the downstairs living room, while everyone else was in their bedrooms upstairs. The parents said no. They were very conservative and apparently felt that just her sleeping under their roof without being married to their son was too much. So they sent her out into a blizzard. Thankfully, she was able to drive safely to her dad's house.

Although as I said I totally support a homeowner's right to kick someone out of their house--you just don't send someone out into a blizzard, when that someone hasn't done anything bad to you. Five minutes ago Jill was a welcome holiday guest and potential part of their family, but now she's a pariah who must be booted out into a storm? That's not right.
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TootsNYC

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #25 on: April 22, 2014, 03:59:18 PM »
Quote
While you can do this at home without a problem, it DOES become an issue in a social situation.

I would just want to encourage someone in Girlfriend's situation to remember that safety -does- trump etiquette. And that she's entitled to *try* to shepherd her resources and protect her health.

For me, it's not an etiquette issue but more of recognition.  When you have a lot of things going around you to distract you, you really don't recognize that your discomfort is no longer mere discomfort, but outright pain.  And by then, it's too late.

And hopefully one takeaway for Girlfriend is that she may need to proactively plan preventive breaks, without waiting to recognize the discomfort. I know that's what my sister-in-love does. She takes breaks at intervals she determines before she even gets to the family gathering.

SamiHami

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #26 on: April 22, 2014, 04:09:08 PM »
I think the boyfriend needs to move out of his parents' home if he intends to have his own guests come and stay. They have made it abundantly clear that, despite the fact that he pays rent, they will decide whether or not he has guests and for how long. This is not a true renter/boarder situation; if it were, then he would be able to have his own guests on his own schedule without any problem (unless the rental agreement stated otherwise).

Although he is technically an adult, he is still living as a child in his parents' home and since it is their home they are making and enforcing their own rules regardless of how unfair or arbitrary they may be. It's clear that he needs to be out on his own and away from parental control unless he is willing to continue living under their rule.

I hope the BF learns to shut his parents down when they say she (or any other person he dates) is "not the one for him" by saying, "That's not for you to say. That is my decision alone so please don't make comments like that again."

And I don't blame the girlfriend one bit for refusing to go back to their house. It was incredibly ungracious of them to refuse her one more day to recover. I hope she doesn't intend to marry the BF or she may be in for a lot of in-law trouble. Of course, the fact that the BF allowed her to drive off in that condition means she will probably have husband trouble, too, if she marries him.

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peaches

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #27 on: April 22, 2014, 04:18:07 PM »
I think BF needs a new landlord.

lowspark

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #28 on: April 22, 2014, 04:34:58 PM »
I think the boyfriend needs to move out of his parents' home if he intends to have his own guests come and stay. They have made it abundantly clear that, despite the fact that he pays rent, they will decide whether or not he has guests and for how long. This is not a true renter/boarder situation; if it were, then he would be able to have his own guests on his own schedule without any problem (unless the rental agreement stated otherwise).

Yeah, what's not working here is that there doesn't actually seem to be any formal rental agreement. So essentially the fact that he pays rent notwithstanding, he's still just a son living in his parents' house.

If he were actually just a tenant, there would be an agreement which might say "no overnight guests" or "overnight guests to stay no more than two nights in a row" or "no restrictions on overnight guests" or whatever. Then of course, he would be bound by that agreement.

The situation as it stands now is "ask mommy & daddy and if they say no, then potential guest has to vacate immediately." To me, that is the very definition of son living in his parents' house because he is subject to the whims of his parents, and normally, a tenant would not be subject to the whims of a landlord.

TurtleDove

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #29 on: April 22, 2014, 04:36:25 PM »
I put my thoughts right under the OP's statements, snipped for clarity.  :)

Boyfriend and Girlfriend are both adults in a long distance relationship (4-5 hour drive depending on traffic).

Why are they in the long distance relationship?  If they are both adults, my thought would be that it makes no sense for them to remain in a long distance relationship but should instead figure out a way to be in the same city if they see this relationship going anywhere.  And the GF should figure out a way to come to an understanding with the BF's parents. If GF and BF are instead just casually dating, then my thoughts are very different and I would say who cares what the parents do or think about the OP.

Girlfriend visits for the first time and is introduced to Boyfriend’s parents. Mother was friendly to the point of being over friendly – hugging her when introduced and asking very probing questions. Girlfriend is slightly uncomfortable with this, but makes sure not to let that show. She asks what they would like her to call them (meaning for example, Mr and Mrs “Surname” or their first names). Parents look at each other, and then Mother says to call them Mum and Dad. Girlfriend was very surprised at this, since it was their first meeting. Mother seemed to notice and suggested she call them by their first names if she preferred (which she does) and told her to make herself at home.


Again, my thoughts would be more fueled by the goal of the relationship.  If it is to date long distance in perpetuity without ever deepening the relationship into one where they are in the same city, then I think the GF is fine. If the goal of the relationship is potential long term and marriage, then I think the GF really made a mistake here and got off on the wrong foot.  I agree the parents seem odd (so does the BF for that matter based on what we know of him) in their handling of the situations described, but if GF wants to be with BF long term, it would make sense to do what she can to improve the relationship between and among them all.

By the time other guests were leaving, she was in considerable pain from sitting around for so long. Because of this, she ended up having to spend most of the following day in bed.

Like the others, this just makes no sense to me.  I think GF should have been in charge of her health, getting up to walk around or whatever.  I am not certain what GF does on a daily basis to manage pain that she was not able to do at the BF's parents' house.  But whatever it is, she should make sure she does it, in the same way a person who needs insulin makes sure she takes insulin.

The following day was the day Girlfriend had planned to leave. ...Girlfriend drove home in agony
I don't understand this either.  I think that even if the BF's parents are horrible awful people, and I think BF does not look good here either, if GF is in agony, get a hotel room or something. 

Anyway, those are my thoughts.  Basically, to me, BF and GF are not a good fit, but if BF and GF want to pursue the relationship BF should move out of his parents' house and BF and GF should figure out a way to be in the same city. If they intend to merely remain in a casual long-distance relationship with no plans to change that, then I think GF is fine with not caring one bit what the BF's parents think of her, just don't go visit him ever again if he still lives with them.