Author Topic: What do you all think of this?  (Read 17016 times)

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TurtleDove

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #75 on: April 23, 2014, 01:49:56 PM »

Saying he must earn enough to move out on his own isn't something we actually know (this wasn't in your post but in other people's)

No, but we were told that he doesn't want to move to be closer to the OP because his "client base" is closer to where his parents live.  I don't know what kind of work he does, but if he has a client base I would assume he does something that would allow him to be self-supporting. 

For some reason, the BF wants to continue living with his parents.  Regardless of how the parents treated the OP, for me personally that would be a huge red flag.

mich3554

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #76 on: April 23, 2014, 01:54:36 PM »
I think it is entirely on the GF that she drove home "in agony," to use the OP's words. She had other options, she didn't choose them. I am surprised she was able to drive at all if she was having trouble even getting out of bed. Since she was apparently able to, and did not pursue at least two options available to her, I can see the BF and the parents taking her at her words and actions that she was okay to drive home, because she did.

I think the GF should take charge of her health more actively in the future. Otherwise it comes across as less of an issue than she says it is, which is confusing for people who cannot feel what she feels but only observe her actions. It can seem manipulative when I doubt the GF means to be that way.

I'm not sure I agree with this.  What other options did she have?  She certainly was not welcome to stay in the home with her BF's parents.   She could have stayed in a hotel a night, during a holiday or driven home.   Perhaps once she is in the driver's seat, she does not have to move so she could get home to her own environment and take care of herself.  I'm thinking I probably would do likewise.

I guess why I am a little vehement about this is because I am dealing with this issue myself.  My b/f's mom, while she seems kind on the outside, thinks that I should be able to do more than what I can do.  I have told her that over the last year since I became mobile again, I have had to relearn what my limitations are and there are times where I just have to get off my feet NOW.  There are times where it feels like I am sitting on a bag of rocks and my hips just won't let me move.  I have a good idea as to what causes pain, but there are things that impact it, like weather, shoes, what I've been sleeping on and a few other variables that I'm still determining.  I just found out about the shoe one last weekend.

Being the 'disabled girlfriend' is not easy.  You want to appear normal as possible, so you DO put yourself at risk by taking things too far in an attempt to show them that you will not be a burden.  But I think that the parents are afraid that either that their sons are going to wind up being 24/7 caretakers of their GF, or that the GF is taking advantage of their son. 

Believe me, this is a really hard battle to fight, and I know where she is at.  Fortunately, I live in my BF's home and have my own income.  But this is not his mom's business, so we do not discuss my contributions to the household but I know she thinks I am taking advantage of her son, both physically and financially.
« Last Edit: April 23, 2014, 02:06:36 PM by mich3554 »

TurtleDove

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #77 on: April 23, 2014, 02:07:47 PM »
Being the 'disabled girlfriend' is not easy.  You want to appear normal as possible, so you DO put yourself at risk by taking things too far in an attempt to show them that you will not be a burden.  But I think that the parents are afraid that either that their sons are going to wind up being 24/7 caretakers of their GF, or that the GF is taking advantage of their son. 

I am sorry you are also dealing with this! I do think that it is not wise to do the bolded, however.  I think it almost reinforces that a disability *will* be a "burden" to the BF (and his family) because it is not being managed by the only person who truly can manage it, the person with the disability.

I think it would be wonderful if the BF's parents were 100% accepting of the GF and whatever limitations her disability might put on their son.  But I also think that the GF needs to be the one taking care of herself, and in the situation from the OP the GF was not.

wolfie

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #78 on: April 23, 2014, 02:14:10 PM »

Saying he must earn enough to move out on his own isn't something we actually know (this wasn't in your post but in other people's)

No, but we were told that he doesn't want to move to be closer to the OP because his "client base" is closer to where his parents live.  I don't know what kind of work he does, but if he has a client base I would assume he does something that would allow him to be self-supporting. 

Maybe, maybe not. The article I read quoted some of the prices for a small apartment and the were more then the cost of my mortgage. There are places where you can make $60000 a year and still not be able to afford an apartment on your own. It must really suck to live there, but at least you have a job. If his job is client based then picking up and moving might be a lot harder for him, but it doesn't mean that he is making a lot of money.

jedikaiti

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #79 on: April 23, 2014, 02:19:35 PM »
I think it is entirely on the GF that she drove home "in agony," to use the OP's words. She had other options, she didn't choose them. I am surprised she was able to drive at all if she was having trouble even getting out of bed. Since she was apparently able to, and did not pursue at least two options available to her, I can see the BF and the parents taking her at her words and actions that she was okay to drive home, because she did.

I think the GF should take charge of her health more actively in the future. Otherwise it comes across as less of an issue than she says it is, which is confusing for people who cannot feel what she feels but only observe her actions. It can seem manipulative when I doubt the GF means to be that way.

After being interrogated and kicked out, I wouldn't stay with BF's folks, either. I do think she should have opted for the hotel if at all possible.
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bah12

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #80 on: April 23, 2014, 02:21:18 PM »
I think it is entirely on the GF that she drove home "in agony," to use the OP's words. She had other options, she didn't choose them. I am surprised she was able to drive at all if she was having trouble even getting out of bed. Since she was apparently able to, and did not pursue at least two options available to her, I can see the BF and the parents taking her at her words and actions that she was okay to drive home, because she did.

I think the GF should take charge of her health more actively in the future. Otherwise it comes across as less of an issue than she says it is, which is confusing for people who cannot feel what she feels but only observe her actions. It can seem manipulative when I doubt the GF means to be that way.

I'm not sure I agree with this.  What other options did she have?  She certainly was not welcome to stay in the home with her BF's parents.   She could have stayed in a hotel a night, during a holiday or driven home.   Perhaps once she is in the driver's seat, she does not have to move so she could get home to her own environment and take care of herself.  I'm thinking I probably would do likewise.

I guess why I am a little vehement about this is because I am dealing with this issue myself.  My b/f's mom, while she seems kind on the outside, thinks that I should be able to do more than what I can do.  I have told her that over the last year since I became mobile again, I have had to relearn what my limitations are and there are times where I just have to get off my feet NOW.  There are times where it feels like I am sitting on a bag of rocks and my hips just won't let me move.  I have a good idea as to what causes pain, but there are things that impact it, like weather, shoes, what I've been sleeping on and a few other variables that I'm still determining.  I just found out about the shoe one last weekend.

Being the 'disabled girlfriend' is not easy.  You want to appear normal as possible, so you DO put yourself at risk by taking things too far in an attempt to show them that you will not be a burden.  But I think that the parents are afraid that either that their sons are going to wind up being 24/7 caretakers of their GF, or that the GF is taking advantage of their son. 

Believe me, this is a really hard battle to fight, and I know where she is at.  Fortunately, I live in my BF's home and have my own income.  But this is not his mom's business, so we do not discuss my contributions to the household but I know she thinks I am taking advantage of her son, both physically and financially.

And I think this is a problem.  I get it.  I understand wanting to appear like you won't be a burden, but by doing so, you risk becoming more of a burden.  If you do more than what you are physically able to do, putting on an act (for lack of better words) to appear 'normal', then I don't understand why you are surprised when people think you are 'normal' and can do more things and then get upset when they don't know that you can't.
« Last Edit: April 23, 2014, 02:31:22 PM by bah12 »

Mikayla

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #81 on: April 23, 2014, 02:25:41 PM »

In that case, she chose to drive herself, but I don't blame her for not wanting to spend another night with those people.  So a part of me still wonders why he didn't just tell her he'd leave with her.

Because while that sounds great on paper it isn't always that easy in real life. If he drove down with her in her car how would he get back home? Did he have more vacation days or did he have to go to work the next day? Did he have things that he needed to do in his town while he had a day off that couldn't be put off for a few days while he sorted out how to get back home?


Well, sure, if he absolutely had to work the next day, that changes things.  But by my math, we're talking the day after Christmas or so.   To me, that would be doubtful.  And even if he did have to work, as bah12 pointed out, why not a hotel?

This may be a better way of putting it.  If it was my boyfriend in pain, and my parents refused to let him stay another night, I either would have handled that in a way that forced the issue (without GF being made aware of it), or else I would have left with him -- unless this was fully impossible.  But that hasn't been stated. 

I could be wrong, but I see some apron strings dangling from the rearview mirror. 

Hmmmmm

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #82 on: April 23, 2014, 02:26:43 PM »
The more I think about this, the more I'm less inclined to think of the parents as completely without sympathy. My first reaction was "how could someone deny a person in agony a comforting bed!"

But according to the second update, not even the BF understood how much pain the GF was in. So how could the parents know?
Also, not knowing the degree of her discomfort, all we know is the BF suggested the GF stay another night. We don't know how strong that request was made. And according to the OP when he offered to advocate a second time after she learned of her major discomfort, she turned him down.

I know if I were in the GF's position I'd want to live a normal life and not overly share my medical problems or physical dicomfort. But I do think those in that position need to realize others do not automatically understand what they are going through. While we'd all like to be taken at our word, I think if we've never gone through something it is hard to truly understand. Like a migraine. Though I intellectually know that migraines and debilitating to many, I really do not understand to the depth of the pain they impose.

DH and I still laugh about my issue with smells during my first pregnancy. I had always been more prone to being bothered by odors and pregnancy just magnified it. During my first pregnancy, he and I worked within a few city blocks of each other and we'd commute together. The parking garage between our offices had a BBQ restaurant on the bottom floor and the smell made me ill each morning so he'd usually drop me off at my building and then go park. One morning he was running late for a meeting so drove directly to the garage though I warned him. As we were getting out of the car and he was handing me my laptop case I became ill on his shoes.  :o He learned to never question me again when I said a smell was making me nauseous. While a funny story, neither he nor I would have ever thought a woman who grew up in Texas could become physically ill by the smell of smoking meat. 

So if someone said "oh my back is hurting" I'd assume to the degree I've had back aches unless more info was provided.

mich3554

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #83 on: April 23, 2014, 02:30:14 PM »
Being the 'disabled girlfriend' is not easy.  You want to appear normal as possible, so you DO put yourself at risk by taking things too far in an attempt to show them that you will not be a burden.  But I think that the parents are afraid that either that their sons are going to wind up being 24/7 caretakers of their GF, or that the GF is taking advantage of their son. 

I am sorry you are also dealing with this! I do think that it is not wise to do the bolded, however.  I think it almost reinforces that a disability *will* be a "burden" to the BF (and his family) because it is not being managed by the only person who truly can manage it, the person with the disability.

I think it would be wonderful if the BF's parents were 100% accepting of the GF and whatever limitations her disability might put on their son.  But I also think that the GF needs to be the one taking care of herself, and in the situation from the OP the GF was not.

It would be nice, but I don't think you understand how difficult it can be to not do things like this.

Let me explain to you....we went out to lunch with my b/f's mom and wound up parking 4 blocks away and 2 of the blocks were VERY steep.  I can walk that, but not hills so I stopped to rest and sit on a bench because I could not go any further.  During that time, b/f's mom repeatedly looked at her watch (no, we were not close to losing our reservation, there was plenty of time) that we were going to be late....because I had to walk slow and rest.  I could have pushed on, and very likely would have been in pain during our meal.  I chose to stop and she made me feel guilty, but I was damned if I would feel guilty.

On the way out, my b/f went to get the car and his mom waited with me.  The front of the restaurant was very busy and I do not get into a car easily.  I have to sit, put one leg into the car, put the other leg into the car (lifting with my arms) and swing around.  This takes time.  She kept nagging her son that traffic was backing up behind us.  Yeah, we knew that....I was moving as quickly as I could to get into the car.

I can manage my disability fine.  I cannot manage OTHER people's expectations of my disability.  So you either get a disapproving look, or you try to do what you can, if you can.   And I'll challenge anyone not to do similarly.

wolfie

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #84 on: April 23, 2014, 02:33:23 PM »

In that case, she chose to drive herself, but I don't blame her for not wanting to spend another night with those people.  So a part of me still wonders why he didn't just tell her he'd leave with her.

Because while that sounds great on paper it isn't always that easy in real life. If he drove down with her in her car how would he get back home? Did he have more vacation days or did he have to go to work the next day? Did he have things that he needed to do in his town while he had a day off that couldn't be put off for a few days while he sorted out how to get back home?


Well, sure, if he absolutely had to work the next day, that changes things.  But by my math, we're talking the day after Christmas or so.   To me, that would be doubtful.  And even if he did have to work, as bah12 pointed out, why not a hotel?

This may be a better way of putting it.  If it was my boyfriend in pain, and my parents refused to let him stay another night, I either would have handled that in a way that forced the issue (without GF being made aware of it), or else I would have left with him -- unless this was fully impossible.  But that hasn't been stated. 

I could be wrong, but I see some apron strings dangling from the rearview mirror.

I don't get the day after christmas off. Usually I arrange my vacation days so I have it off anyway, but depending on what he does he might not have it off either. So yeah he could have to work the next day. Or maybe he has a doctors appointment - or something else where he needs to be there the next day. There are lots of reasons that just up and leaving that day aren't possible - most people need to make arrangements before the can go someplace for a few days.

And it sounds like the GF didn't want a hotel and stopped her BF from forcing the issue with his parents. Once he realized how bad it was he was willing to stand up for her - but she didn't want it at that point. She has the right to decide that she would rather leave then stay another day where she isn't welcome.

Outdoor Girl

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #85 on: April 23, 2014, 02:43:59 PM »
It's the UK so the day after Christmas would be Boxing Day and would be a holiday.

I'm with mich3554 on the managing a disability issue, though.  I have fibromyalgia.  Most of the time, I'm fine.  I maintain this by managing my sleep and eating well and trying to get some exercise of some description most days.  But take me out of my comfort zone and I don't sleep as well, I probably don't eat as well, I'm probably more active than usual and suddenly, normal everyday things that I normally have no problem doing are a struggle.  And even my closest friends, who have known me for years and know what my diagnosis is, can sometimes give me a hard time for telling them that I'm done and need to rest.

It's incredibly frustrating to have your body not be able to do all the things you want it to be able to do - or used to be able to do.

If I'd been in the GFs shoes, once I was in the car, I'd just want to go home, too.  And collapse in my own bed, in hopes that my sleep would be better and more recuperative and I could get going again in a day or two.  At that point, I wouldn't have wanted BF to come with me to a local hotel because that would have just been prolonging the agony.  If there even was a room available.  If BF had offered to drive me home and then take the bus/train back, I'd have accepted if he wouldn't have to miss too much work but would have declined if it meant he'd have to miss more than a day or two.
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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #86 on: April 23, 2014, 02:45:32 PM »

In that case, she chose to drive herself, but I don't blame her for not wanting to spend another night with those people.  So a part of me still wonders why he didn't just tell her he'd leave with her.

Because while that sounds great on paper it isn't always that easy in real life. If he drove down with her in her car how would he get back home? Did he have more vacation days or did he have to go to work the next day? Did he have things that he needed to do in his town while he had a day off that couldn't be put off for a few days while he sorted out how to get back home?

Saying he must earn enough to move out on his own isn't something we actually know (this wasn't in your post but in other people's) I just read a nice article about how affordable apartments just don't exist in some areas because supply is way under demand so you either stay with your parents or you have to rent with a roommate or two. We don't know what his housing/job situation is - could be that the parents are a better option. And maybe he has had very bad luck with roommates before and thought that his parents he can at least live with.

Sure, it's an assumption and we don't know the local housing situation. But right now he is in an untenable situation of having to ask permission of mommy & daddy whenever he wants to host someone overnight. Ok. Replace "mommy & daddy" in that last sentence there with "landlord". Who would really be ok with that?

Part of growing up is being independent. If that means living with roommates or whatever, then that's what you do. But if the parents have veto power over whether GF (or anyone) can spend the night, I don't see that as being a "better option".

Lorelei_Evil

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #87 on: April 23, 2014, 02:45:56 PM »
Another POD to Mich3554.  When I'm out of steps, I'm out of steps. 

TurtleDove

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #88 on: April 23, 2014, 02:47:05 PM »
I can manage my disability fine.  I cannot manage OTHER people's expectations of my disability.  So you either get a disapproving look, or you try to do what you can, if you can.   And I'll challenge anyone not to do similarly.

In the example you gave, you did manage your disability.  You did the opposite of, "You want to appear normal as possible, so you DO put yourself at risk by taking things too far in an attempt to show them that you will not be a burden," and for that I applaud you! 

I am sorry your BF's mom is impatient, but just let the disapproving looks float over your head.  Make the disapproval the BF's mom's problem and not yours.  "Go on ahead, BF's mom, if you are worried about losing our reservation - I'll be there when I can make it!" all said with a smile.  "I would hope traffic is backing up behind us - what else would it do?  Run us over?  Hah!" said jokingly as you continue to get in the car.

TootsNYC

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #89 on: April 23, 2014, 02:48:00 PM »
=
No, but we were told that he doesn't want to move to be closer to the OP because his "client base" is closer to where his parents live.  I don't know what kind of work he does, but if he has a client base I would assume he does something that would allow him to be self-supporting. 


I think that's a pretty big assumption.

I feel like lots of client-based businesses are actually not always that steady. You're running your own business, essentially. And you rely on word of mouth, so moving to a new area isn't that easy.

But I do think this is proof to him that he needs to move out, that he's paying too high of a (non-monetary) price for the roof over his head.