Author Topic: What do you all think of this?  (Read 17024 times)

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TurtleDove

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #105 on: April 23, 2014, 04:29:30 PM »

The answer has already been given by the OP. GF did take steps to mitigate her pain, but sometimes these reactions can't be predicted in advance. See here below. I don't see how his parents could be confused by her actions, when BF's mom was completely aware of her disability (she answered all her questions, and then some).

I didn't see where the GF communicated what she was doing to the BF's parents, or even really to the BF.  Since I myself am confused by the GF's actions and the nature of her disability and how pain is caused and addressed (because to me it seemed to be exacerbated by being still but then she needed to be still to recuperate) I can absolutely see the BF's parents not understanding.

TurtleDove

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #106 on: April 23, 2014, 04:30:34 PM »
Agree that BF needs to move out.  I think the financial assumptions are a red herring.  What if he didn't have parents, or didn't work in the same town as his parents, or just plain if his parents didn't want him living with them?  He'd find a way, he would have to.  If this doesn't give him the motivation, nothing will.  Life is expensive, paying rent is expensive. We all have to find a way eventually, unless we plan to live with our parents forever.

POD.  The idea of the bolded just makes me shudder!  :)

PurpleyBlue

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #107 on: April 23, 2014, 04:38:44 PM »

The answer has already been given by the OP. GF did take steps to mitigate her pain, but sometimes these reactions can't be predicted in advance. See here below. I don't see how his parents could be confused by her actions, when BF's mom was completely aware of her disability (she answered all her questions, and then some).

I didn't see where the GF communicated what she was doing to the BF's parents, or even really to the BF.  Since I myself am confused by the GF's actions and the nature of her disability and how pain is caused and addressed (because to me it seemed to be exacerbated by being still but then she needed to be still to recuperate) I can absolutely see the BF's parents not understanding.

She shouldn't have to explain what she was doing!  I'm sorry - but you don't have to be given a play by play of how a person's disability affects them to be able to empathize with them.

lisztchick

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #108 on: April 23, 2014, 04:40:38 PM »
I'm curious about what was going on in the minds of the parents, who so vociferously wanted the GF OUT. If they didn't know how much pain she was in, or how difficult moving had become for her, then what did they imagine her reasons were for wanting to stay an extra day in that room? Did they think she didn't want to leave? They can't have thought that she was looking for a place to "crash"; they knew she had a home of her own to go to. Did they think she was just being lazy?

I have had houseguests who were unable to leave on their expected departure date due to everything from illness, natural disasters, and flight cancellations. It happens....and I wonder if the parents would have acted differently if GF's reluctance to leave would've been caused by a cancelled flight....or inclement weather. (Maybe not - judging by the blizzard story!!) In any event, sometimes houseguests, despite their best intentions, are unable to leave when one expects them to. I think the parents were very ungracious.

And I definitely think that the BF should move out!!

TurtleDove

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #109 on: April 23, 2014, 04:50:08 PM »

The answer has already been given by the OP. GF did take steps to mitigate her pain, but sometimes these reactions can't be predicted in advance. See here below. I don't see how his parents could be confused by her actions, when BF's mom was completely aware of her disability (she answered all her questions, and then some).

I didn't see where the GF communicated what she was doing to the BF's parents, or even really to the BF.  Since I myself am confused by the GF's actions and the nature of her disability and how pain is caused and addressed (because to me it seemed to be exacerbated by being still but then she needed to be still to recuperate) I can absolutely see the BF's parents not understanding.

She shouldn't have to explain what she was doing!  I'm sorry - but you don't have to be given a play by play of how a person's disability affects them to be able to empathize with them.

I think that as a houseguest it would make sense to explain why I was choosing to spend an entire day in bed - I didn't see that this was explained to the parents.  I believe that the GF's pain is real and her chosen method of dealing with the pain valid, but I confess it seems strange to me that the previous days events (or non-events) would cause the level of pain it did for GF.  I would need this to be explained to me, or I would find it very strange for a houseguest who I was trying to get to know as my son's GF to choose to isolate.

bah12

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #110 on: April 23, 2014, 04:50:30 PM »

The answer has already been given by the OP. GF did take steps to mitigate her pain, but sometimes these reactions can't be predicted in advance. See here below. I don't see how his parents could be confused by her actions, when BF's mom was completely aware of her disability (she answered all her questions, and then some).

I didn't see where the GF communicated what she was doing to the BF's parents, or even really to the BF.  Since I myself am confused by the GF's actions and the nature of her disability and how pain is caused and addressed (because to me it seemed to be exacerbated by being still but then she needed to be still to recuperate) I can absolutely see the BF's parents not understanding.

She shouldn't have to explain what she was doing!  I'm sorry - but you don't have to be given a play by play of how a person's disability affects them to be able to empathize with them.

You also don't maintain radio silence when it comes to it either.  Whether or not anyone likes to admit it, the disabillity does cause issues for those around them.  I don't need to know every little thing about someone's disability, but if I invite you into my home to do activity X and activity X has the potential to cause you so much distress that I then have to allow you to stay additional days or need to care for you in some special way (or you have a condition where you don't even know what will cause the pain and activity X is a new activity), then it's only polite to say something.  I shouldn't have to ask...I wouldn't even know to ask. 

Again, I cannot wrap my head around the sentiment that it would be none of my business to know about something that has the potential to affect me in a big way.  And I'm pretty laid back when it comes to my hospitality.  From reading these boards, I've learned that hosting for some people is a huge deal, so if you have some ailment that is going to affect the hospitality offered, then yeah, you do need to say something.

Jones

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #111 on: April 23, 2014, 04:51:42 PM »

The answer has already been given by the OP. GF did take steps to mitigate her pain, but sometimes these reactions can't be predicted in advance. See here below. I don't see how his parents could be confused by her actions, when BF's mom was completely aware of her disability (she answered all her questions, and then some).

I didn't see where the GF communicated what she was doing to the BF's parents, or even really to the BF.  Since I myself am confused by the GF's actions and the nature of her disability and how pain is caused and addressed (because to me it seemed to be exacerbated by being still but then she needed to be still to recuperate) I can absolutely see the BF's parents not understanding.
I thought that back pain due to sitting was a well known phenomenon. Several people in my extended family suffer if they sit too long, and I'm starting to suffer low back pain at then end of a workday myself, no disability involved. Laying down takes a lot off pressure off an otherwise painful spine.

I also think it's not anyone else's business how she tries to manage her disability unless she needs their assistance. So stating "I'm going to stand up and walk every 15 minutes and take a dose of XYZ every 2 hours" would not only be too much information that GF doesn't want to share, but would probably be taken as an attempt to manipulate sympathy from everyone. When she did need help that affected others, namely couldn't get out of bed for a day and requested to stay over another day, she asked for it.

PurpleyBlue

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #112 on: April 23, 2014, 04:54:14 PM »

The answer has already been given by the OP. GF did take steps to mitigate her pain, but sometimes these reactions can't be predicted in advance. See here below. I don't see how his parents could be confused by her actions, when BF's mom was completely aware of her disability (she answered all her questions, and then some).

I didn't see where the GF communicated what she was doing to the BF's parents, or even really to the BF.  Since I myself am confused by the GF's actions and the nature of her disability and how pain is caused and addressed (because to me it seemed to be exacerbated by being still but then she needed to be still to recuperate) I can absolutely see the BF's parents not understanding.

She shouldn't have to explain what she was doing!  I'm sorry - but you don't have to be given a play by play of how a person's disability affects them to be able to empathize with them.

I think that as a houseguest it would make sense to explain why I was choosing to spend an entire day in bed - I didn't see that this was explained to the parents.  I believe that the GF's pain is real and her chosen method of dealing with the pain valid, but I confess it seems strange to me that the previous days events (or non-events) would cause the level of pain it did for GF.  I would need this to be explained to me, or I would find it very strange for a houseguest who I was trying to get to know as my son's GF to choose to isolate.

The OP doesn't specifically state that they were told why she was in bed, but it also doesn't specifically state that they weren't.  I would find it highly unlikely that the boyfriend didn't mention to his parents that she was spending the day lying down because she was in pain.

ETA:  When I stated above that she shouldn't have to explain to them what she was doing, I was referring to the steps she took during the previous day to try and relieve some of her pain.  Of course, if she was spending the day in bed to recuperate that should be communicated to her hosts.  I just don't see why some are assuming they were unaware.  In fact, in the OP, the boyfriend specifically told them that's what she was doing when he requested that she be allowed to stay another night.
« Last Edit: April 23, 2014, 04:58:53 PM by PurpleyBlue »

TurtleDove

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #113 on: April 23, 2014, 05:00:40 PM »

The answer has already been given by the OP. GF did take steps to mitigate her pain, but sometimes these reactions can't be predicted in advance. See here below. I don't see how his parents could be confused by her actions, when BF's mom was completely aware of her disability (she answered all her questions, and then some).

I didn't see where the GF communicated what she was doing to the BF's parents, or even really to the BF.  Since I myself am confused by the GF's actions and the nature of her disability and how pain is caused and addressed (because to me it seemed to be exacerbated by being still but then she needed to be still to recuperate) I can absolutely see the BF's parents not understanding.
I thought that back pain due to sitting was a well known phenomenon. Several people in my extended family suffer if they sit too long, and I'm starting to suffer low back pain at then end of a workday myself, no disability involved. Laying down takes a lot off pressure off an otherwise painful spine.

I also think it's not anyone else's business how she tries to manage her disability unless she needs their assistance. So stating "I'm going to stand up and walk every 15 minutes and take a dose of XYZ every 2 hours" would not only be too much information that GF doesn't want to share, but would probably be taken as an attempt to manipulate sympathy from everyone. When she did need help that affected others, namely couldn't get out of bed for a day and requested to stay over another day, she asked for it.

I am saying that GF should have gotten up and walked every 15 minutes and taken a dose of XYZ. Apparently she didn't, but that isn't the part I think that needed to be communicated.  The part that I felt she could have handled better would be to first, take care of herself and not "sit around" if it caused her pain, and then explain why she needed to lie down for two days to fix it.  To me, that level of pain would mean she should see a doctor, not passively lay in bed for two days.  When my husband hurt his back, for example, the doctor insisted he *not* lay in bed because it would make him worse - he was advised to move around.  Not all back pain is the same or treatment the same so I don't think any sort of universal "this is what you do for back pain" is known.

I also think different people have different pain thresholds and it can be difficult to grasp why one person reacts in one way to pain and another in an entirely different way.  I think better communication could help here. 

bah12

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #114 on: April 23, 2014, 05:02:13 PM »

The answer has already been given by the OP. GF did take steps to mitigate her pain, but sometimes these reactions can't be predicted in advance. See here below. I don't see how his parents could be confused by her actions, when BF's mom was completely aware of her disability (she answered all her questions, and then some).

I didn't see where the GF communicated what she was doing to the BF's parents, or even really to the BF.  Since I myself am confused by the GF's actions and the nature of her disability and how pain is caused and addressed (because to me it seemed to be exacerbated by being still but then she needed to be still to recuperate) I can absolutely see the BF's parents not understanding.
I thought that back pain due to sitting was a well known phenomenon. Several people in my extended family suffer if they sit too long, and I'm starting to suffer low back pain at then end of a workday myself, no disability involved. Laying down takes a lot off pressure off an otherwise painful spine.

I also think it's not anyone else's business how she tries to manage her disability unless she needs their assistance. So stating "I'm going to stand up and walk every 15 minutes and take a dose of XYZ every 2 hours" would not only be too much information that GF doesn't want to share, but would probably be taken as an attempt to manipulate sympathy from everyone. When she did need help that affected others, namely couldn't get out of bed for a day and requested to stay over another day, she asked for it.

Help me understand what's so difficult about saying "Excuse me, my spinal injury causes me dibilitating pain if I sit for too long.  I just need to get up and take a couple of laps around the house.  I'll be right back."  or "I'm sorry.  I'm not feeling well and I need to lie down."  I don't see the point in sitting around all day long saying nothing and then getting all upset when people around you don't understand that the sitting is causing the need to stay in bed all day.  If the disability is so private that it's intrusive to know anything, then you don't get to act all out of sorts because your needs aren't perfectly accommodated or understood.  If you want empathy, then you need to communicate your need for it.  You can't say "You have no right to know these things about me, but I have every right to be empathized with when I say that I need something."  Or

 "You are hosting me, but I don't have to pre-warn you about anything that would require additional hosting than what you agreed to; however, you do need to provide it the moment it's asked for, no questions asked."

mich3554

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #115 on: April 23, 2014, 05:15:53 PM »
Even if you do everything you think you should be doing, you can still wind up with problems.  Her pain may be simply caused by the type of chair she's sitting in.  Hell, I've commandeered my b/f's recliner as it is the only seat in his living room I can sit in.  I can't sit on his bar stools at all, and even my very comfortable sofa is no longer comfortable to me.

When you step out of your normal routine, ANYTHING has the ability to cause pain.  Your pain meds, which are titrated to your normal discomfort can be ineffective at normal doses when you are out of your normal range. 

PurpleyBlue

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #116 on: April 23, 2014, 05:17:18 PM »

The answer has already been given by the OP. GF did take steps to mitigate her pain, but sometimes these reactions can't be predicted in advance. See here below. I don't see how his parents could be confused by her actions, when BF's mom was completely aware of her disability (she answered all her questions, and then some).

I didn't see where the GF communicated what she was doing to the BF's parents, or even really to the BF.  Since I myself am confused by the GF's actions and the nature of her disability and how pain is caused and addressed (because to me it seemed to be exacerbated by being still but then she needed to be still to recuperate) I can absolutely see the BF's parents not understanding.
I thought that back pain due to sitting was a well known phenomenon. Several people in my extended family suffer if they sit too long, and I'm starting to suffer low back pain at then end of a workday myself, no disability involved. Laying down takes a lot off pressure off an otherwise painful spine.

I also think it's not anyone else's business how she tries to manage her disability unless she needs their assistance. So stating "I'm going to stand up and walk every 15 minutes and take a dose of XYZ every 2 hours" would not only be too much information that GF doesn't want to share, but would probably be taken as an attempt to manipulate sympathy from everyone. When she did need help that affected others, namely couldn't get out of bed for a day and requested to stay over another day, she asked for it.

I am saying that GF should have gotten up and walked every 15 minutes and taken a dose of XYZ. Apparently she didn't, but that isn't the part I think that needed to be communicated.  The part that I felt she could have handled better would be to first, take care of herself and not "sit around" if it caused her pain, and then explain why she needed to lie down for two days to fix it.  To me, that level of pain would mean she should see a doctor, not passively lay in bed for two days.  When my husband hurt his back, for example, the doctor insisted he *not* lay in bed because it would make him worse - he was advised to move around.  Not all back pain is the same or treatment the same so I don't think any sort of universal "this is what you do for back pain" is known.

I also think different people have different pain thresholds and it can be difficult to grasp why one person reacts in one way to pain and another in an entirely different way.  I think better communication could help here.

Actually, she did.  From the OP's update:

"BF and GF were both aware that the Christmas visit was more of a family thing and their presence with the rest of the family would be expected for the majority of the time. By this stage, GF was already aware that BFs parents may be considering her disability an issue because of comments made by Mother during the discussion she initiated about GFs disability. Due to this, she didnt want to call further attention to it and was hoping she could get through the day by moving around the sitting room every so often (which she did) and by taking pain killers, and be relatively fine the next morning. Someone mentioned that it can be difficult to know where the line is when it comes to judging the limits on what is going to cause a lot of pain and what will not, and this certainly applies to GF. Sometimes she can take part in something, sometimes she cant, and she doesnt always know how it will go until she tries it."

Vall

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #117 on: April 23, 2014, 05:22:01 PM »
Even if you do everything you think you should be doing, you can still wind up with problems.  Her pain may be simply caused by the type of chair she's sitting in.  Hell, I've commandeered my b/f's recliner as it is the only seat in his living room I can sit in.  I can't sit on his bar stools at all, and even my very comfortable sofa is no longer comfortable to me.

When you step out of your normal routine, ANYTHING has the ability to cause pain.  Your pain meds, which are titrated to your normal discomfort can be ineffective at normal doses when you are out of your normal range.
I think that this would be very important to communicate to your hosts before visiting, along with what accommodations that you may need.

Jones

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #118 on: April 23, 2014, 05:24:37 PM »
I had a long post but I see that Purpleyblue and Mich3554 covered all the points I was going to make, and with less wind. ;)

In short my opinion is that GF and BF are doing the right thing in not intruding upon his parents' home and forcing them to host someone with a condition they are unprepared to handle, and have expressed a desire to not handle.

mich3554

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Re: What do you all think of this?
« Reply #119 on: April 23, 2014, 05:26:00 PM »
In the future, if the GF decides to visit her BF she might want to make a hotel reservation and stay there with her BF.

I'm not sure I'd be comfortable going back into that house myself, but at least if she has a hotel room she could make her excuses and have some place to go to when she leaves.