What do you all think of this?

[zyrs]

And usually the pain isn't really that bad - just a twinge. But a couple of weekends ago I was on a train for 1.5 hours. And could barely get up when we arrived at the station. Must have been the chair, the way I was sitting - something was different so that I was in enormous pain sitting just 1.5 hours vs the 8 hours I do on a usual day. Could be the same for the GF. She did everything she would normally do that works but something in the env was different and it didn't work and she didn't realize until the next day.

It's quite possible that the GF getting up and walking around the amount she did was fine for her own furniture but too little for the furniture in BF's parent house.

I took a class that a local institution gives about my chronic illness, three Fridays in a row - 2 hours each class.  After the first class I dreaded the other two because the chairs in the class were so horrible.  After sitting in them for a few minutes I could barely stand and two hours was agony.

They looked like normal chairs, but something about them was off.  They cut off circulation, pressed in all the wrong spots.  They had no other chairs so everyone was stuck.  In fact, it was the only complaint that anyone in the class seemed to have, that here we were in a class to learn what things to look out for to keep from losing limbs and such and the class chairs would happen to be one of the things we have to watch out for...

[Kaymar]

The automatic assumption is that the GF is a special snowflake who uses her disability to manipulate people.  Lemme see.....the GF is a tax paying member of society who owns her own house (unlike her BF who does not even live on his own).  I would hazard a guess that if she has this ability to exist ON HER OWN, then she is most definitely NOT a special snowflake.  The fact that she is asking what else she could have done to smooth things with her BF's parents makes her cognizant of how else she could have helped explain things better.   IMO, it was a losing battle.  There was NOTHING she could have done.  Once the GF told the parent that she would never have surgery because it wouldn't make her better, they had made their decision that this was not the girl for their son.

I am literally living that woman's life.  There are a few differences between me and her.  I was not disabled when I met his parents, and I was very much welcome in their house.  However, the attitude has done a 180 with the realization that I will never be what I was.

The OP merely asks "who was rude"?  I don't see the OP or the GF (I have no idea if the OP is the GF) asking how the GF could have handled things better, unless I missed something.

Check out post #47

This thread came into being because GF was wondering what on earth she did to deserve this kind of reaction from BF’s parents and wanted to know if she’d somehow behaved terribly and not realised it. Moving forwards, now BF is aware of how things stand with his parents he plans to be a lot more proactive in looking out for GF’s interests in any future interaction.

That doesn't ask what she could have done differently.  It says "what did she do to deserve this?" which is an entirely different (somewhat hand-wringing) rhetorical question.

[bah12]

To the original question, what could she have done to better explain herself, the easiest answer is she could have asked them if she could spend another night because she was in pain, rather than having her BF do it for her.  Alternatively, she could have better communicated to her BF how much pain she was in, since he was unaware of it and thus could not have properly communicated it to his parents.

The answer is NOTHING.

The parents had made their decision about the girl when they only reluctantly invited them into their home when they realized that their son would not attend without his g/f.

I think that if you aren't willing to give others even a little bit of room for understanding, then it's too much for you to expect they will do the same for you.  You've told us over and over again how misunderstood you are and how awful it feels to be misunderstood, yet you aren't willing to give just a little bit to someone else that they may also be misunderstood?

If you're always assuming the worst of people, then that's all you'll ever get.  Your relationships won't change. 

[Vall]

To the original question, what could she have done to better explain herself, the easiest answer is she could have asked them if she could spend another night because she was in pain, rather than having her BF do it for her.  Alternatively, she could have better communicated to her BF how much pain she was in, since he was unaware of it and thus could not have properly communicated it to his parents.

The answer is NOTHING.

The parents had made their decision about the girl when they only reluctantly invited them into their home when they realized that their son would not attend without his g/f.

I'm not convinced that GF did all she could have to explain to her hosts (the parents, since they issued the invitation that she accepted) her situation and the accommodations needed before and during her stay.  I believe that there was room for improvement in her communication with her hosts.  I don't even see where she tried to communicate directly with her hosts after her condition worsened.

[mich3554]

To the original question, what could she have done to better explain herself, the easiest answer is she could have asked them if she could spend another night because she was in pain, rather than having her BF do it for her.  Alternatively, she could have better communicated to her BF how much pain she was in, since he was unaware of it and thus could not have properly communicated it to his parents.

The answer is NOTHING.

The parents had made their decision about the girl when they only reluctantly invited them into their home when they realized that their son would not attend without his g/f.

I think that if you aren't willing to give others even a little bit of room for understanding, then it's too much for you to expect they will do the same for you.  You've told us over and over again how misunderstood you are and how awful it feels to be misunderstood, yet you aren't willing to give just a little bit to someone else that they may also be misunderstood?

If you're always assuming the worst of people, then that's all you'll ever get.  Your relationships won't change.

You aren't reading the question.  You can do what you can to try to ameliorate those feelings that the parents have, but the parents have made their own decisions as to the suitableness of the GF for their son.  You cannot control THEIR actions, you can only control how YOU respond to them.  THAT is how I deal with it myself.

I am tired of busting my butt to convince my b/f's mother otherwise.  She is an 80 year old woman and her opinion of me is not going to change.  Trying to convince her otherwise is only going to possibly cause ME damage, not her.  So I do use my h/c placard despite her disapproval when we go out, I am polite to her because I love her son and I know that she wants what's best for him.  He think that I am that person, so that is all *I* care about.  So it is healthier for me to realize that there is nothing I can do to change her mind.

IMO, the g/f needs to step back and realize that there is very likely nothing she can do that will make her an optimal partner for their son in their eyes.  That's not assuming the worst, that is being realistic in this situation.

[Kaymar]

To the original question, what could she have done to better explain herself, the easiest answer is she could have asked them if she could spend another night because she was in pain, rather than having her BF do it for her.  Alternatively, she could have better communicated to her BF how much pain she was in, since he was unaware of it and thus could not have properly communicated it to his parents.

The answer is NOTHING.

The parents had made their decision about the girl when they only reluctantly invited them into their home when they realized that their son would not attend without his g/f.

I think that if you aren't willing to give others even a little bit of room for understanding, then it's too much for you to expect they will do the same for you.  You've told us over and over again how misunderstood you are and how awful it feels to be misunderstood, yet you aren't willing to give just a little bit to someone else that they may also be misunderstood?

If you're always assuming the worst of people, then that's all you'll ever get.  Your relationships won't change.

You aren't reading the question.  You can do what you can to try to ameliorate those feelings that the parents have, but the parents have made their own decisions as to the suitableness of the GF for their son.  You cannot control THEIR actions, you can only control how YOU respond to them.  THAT is how I deal with it myself.

I am tired of busting my butt to convince my b/f's mother otherwise.  She is an 80 year old woman and her opinion of me is not going to change.  Trying to convince her otherwise is only going to possibly cause ME damage, not her.  So I do use my h/c placard despite her disapproval when we go out, I am polite to her because I love her son and I know that she wants what's best for him.  He think that I am that person, so that is all *I* care about.  So it is healthier for me to realize that there is nothing I can do to change her mind.

IMO, the g/f needs to step back and realize that there is very likely nothing she can do that will make her an optimal partner for their son in their eyes.  That's not assuming the worst, that is being realistic in this situation.

With respect, this isn't about you, and I doubt you came to such a sense of finality about your own situation after two visits with your BF's mother.

In any case, OP seems not to be answering any of the questions raised so I'm not sure how much further this discussion can go (this is not a criticism of the OP, just an acknowledgment that there are a number of unanswered Qs and the discussion is spinning in circles without more info).  The etiquette aspects seem to have been discussed more than thoroughly.

[bah12]

To the original question, what could she have done to better explain herself, the easiest answer is she could have asked them if she could spend another night because she was in pain, rather than having her BF do it for her.  Alternatively, she could have better communicated to her BF how much pain she was in, since he was unaware of it and thus could not have properly communicated it to his parents.

The answer is NOTHING.

The parents had made their decision about the girl when they only reluctantly invited them into their home when they realized that their son would not attend without his g/f.

I think that if you aren't willing to give others even a little bit of room for understanding, then it's too much for you to expect they will do the same for you.  You've told us over and over again how misunderstood you are and how awful it feels to be misunderstood, yet you aren't willing to give just a little bit to someone else that they may also be misunderstood?

If you're always assuming the worst of people, then that's all you'll ever get.  Your relationships won't change.

You aren't reading the question.  You can do what you can to try to ameliorate those feelings that the parents have, but the parents have made their own decisions as to the suitableness of the GF for their son.  You cannot control THEIR actions, you can only control how YOU respond to them.  THAT is how I deal with it myself.

I am tired of busting my butt to convince my b/f's mother otherwise.  She is an 80 year old woman and her opinion of me is not going to change.  Trying to convince her otherwise is only going to possibly cause ME damage, not her.  So I do use my h/c placard despite her disapproval when we go out, I am polite to her because I love her son and I know that she wants what's best for him.  He think that I am that person, so that is all *I* care about.  So it is healthier for me to realize that there is nothing I can do to change her mind.

IMO, the g/f needs to step back and realize that there is very likely nothing she can do that will make her an optimal partner for their son in their eyes.  That's not assuming the worst, that is being realistic in this situation.

With respect, this isn't about you, and I doubt you came to such a sense of finality about your own situation after two visits with your BF's mother.

In any case, OP seems not to be answering any of the questions raised so I'm not sure how much further this discussion can go.  The etiquette aspects seem to have been discussed more than thoroughly.

I agree.  You are projecting your experiences with your BF's mother onto this situation. This isn't about what you should do for your situation.  It's about the OP. And what she can control is how she reacts to mom.  If she tries to clear things up and mom turns out to be horrible boor, then so be it.  She's in no worse off situation than she is now.  But just because your BF's mom dislikes you and there's nothing you've been able to do about it, doesn't mean that everyone else in this world is going to exprience the exact same thing or react the exact same way.  And if you assume that everyone will treat you poorly regardless of what you do or say, then chances are you will always be able to find evidence of people treating you poorly.

[Mikayla]

In any case, OP seems not to be answering any of the questions raised so I'm not sure how much further this discussion can go.  The etiquette aspects seem to have been discussed more than thoroughly. 

You probably right on the etiquette, but it's very premature to say the OP isn't answering questions.  She's hardly a power user!  And her other update was very thorough. 

[Jones]

Plus, if she isn't the Gf, she may be trying to get some answers from the real GF for the questions within this thread. Or, from the BF.

[Yvaine]

Plus, if she isn't the Gf, she may be trying to get some answers from the real GF for the questions within this thread. Or, from the BF.

And if she is the GF, a couple of posts in the thread have jumped on her pretty hard. It could be kind of off-putting for a new member.

[cass2591]

I think we're done here.

[Elfmama]

As an aside, we have all taken it at face value that the GF was in crippling pain and needed to stay.  If making the leap that the parents are looking for someone to support their son is reasonable, the other possibility is that GF is an special snowflake who uses her disability to manipulate people.  After all, we have gone from sitting all day caused her pain to she took all the right precautions, got up, walked around, etc, but the day of conversation was just too much and has caused her to need at least 2-days in bed to recover.

I currently have a backache. I have had it for a while... so far nothing I do 100% gets rid of it. If this latest round of muscle relaxants doesn't work I am off to physical therapy. I already went to the doc we determined it is just muscle spasms - no spinal issues or anything like that. I woke up one day with the pain so I must have slept funny and so I think I can get rid of it eventually. But I sit at a desk all day. And I don't get up and walk around much. And usually the pain isn't really that bad - just a twinge. But a couple of weekends ago I was on a train for 1.5 hours. And could barely get up when we arrived at the station. Must have been the chair, the way I was sitting - something was different so that I was in enormous pain sitting just 1.5 hours vs the 8 hours I do on a usual day. Could be the same for the GF. She did everything she would normally do that works but something in the env was different and it didn't work and she didn't realize until the next day.

Or the fact that I can sit in my comfortable chairs at home all day, but sitting for an hour in a normal church pew leaves me in such pain that I can hardly walk. 

Someone upthread says that a healthy young person doesn't always understand the level of pain someone can have.  But neither the age of the person nor their own level of health is necessarily applicable.  Older people in poor health can be just as critical.  "She's 30 years younger than I am!  She can't possibly be in that kind of pain." 

We've seen multiple threads here where someone has been told that they aren't disabled enough to use handicapped parking, and they should "leave that space for an old person." This in spite of the DMV issuing them a handicapped placard.  This sounds to me like a similar case.  The BF's parents don't want to believe that the GF is that handicapped. "How could she be in pain?  All we did was sit around and visit!"