General Etiquette > Family and Children

Need help with a Cut direct

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Several months ago I moved away from my parents' house. It was sudden and I didn't give much information (this also explains my extended absence here).  Since then, I curtailed any contact substantially (fb message every few weeks), and eventually simply stopped responding.  At this point I'm choosing to stay out of contact with my entire family.  Eventually, I plan on re-establishing contact with my sisters, but not with my parents. 

Throughout this time, my mother and one of my sisters have sent a couple of Facebook messages to one particular friend of mine.  She's been vague in answering, saying things like "as far as I know, she's happy and safe".  Yesterday, my mother ramped it up to an entirely new level.  She sent messages to many of my friends via Facebook and phone, saying she was worried sick about me and yadda, yadda, yadda.  Two of my friends responded with vague, "she's safe as far as I know" type messages.  The others ignored her.

So, here's my question.  I didn't really do a proper cut direct.  I just sort of disappeared and stopped talking to them.  My friends have been willing to play intermediary for me, but that's going to get old fast.  I really need to say something to them directly, but I'm not sure how to do it.  I simply have no desire to speak to them ever again.  On the other hand, I don't want them to do something stupid like filing a missing persons report.  Of course, I have every right to up and move away.  I'm an adult and they have no guardianship rights to my children, but that won't necessarily stop them from trying.  So, considering I've been ignoring all attempts at contact and I'm nowhere close to where they think I might be, what can I say to them to make it clear that they're no longer welcome in my life? 

On another note, no matter what I say, there will be hysterics and martyr-like melodrama because I'm so horrible and so on and so forth, so how do I counter that? For both things, I'm looking for a phrase or set of phrases that isn't mean and spiteful, but makes it clear that this is *my* choice and nothing they say or do will change my mind.

*And yes, I've considered that they might be looking online to places that they know I read/post on, and that they could be reading this, but that's a risk I'm willing to take. 

Texas Mom:
This isn't a cut direct.  A cut direct is when you see someone socially and act as if they don't exist.

You have cut your family out of your life.

Give your friends permission, if contacted in the future, to ignore or block them.

Eventually, I plan on re-establishing contact with my sisters, but not with my parents.

Contact the sister who you are closest to.  Let her know that the children and you are fine, but you have some things to work out.  Tell her you don't know how long it will take before you're ready to re-establish contact with the family.  She may want you to contact her every so often, and if you're willing to do so then agree to a timetable.

Be forewarned that your mom sounds like someone who might hire a PI to find you.

Best Wishes on your journey.


You don't need to announce a cut direct, just live it.

You are an adult, you cannot stop your parents from filing a missing persons report if they so choose.  However, I'm assuming you aren't living off of the grid.  The police will be able to find you if they need to.  If it does get to that level, then you may need to start talking to lawyers.

But I would just be a black hole.  Let your parents flail in their own orbit and ignore them.  I would let your friends know that you do not want any information about you to be given to your parents. 

There's no way to counteract the drama.  My only advice would be to not engage.  Hang up the phone if it starts to get too heated.  When the topic comes up, state you will not discuss it and get off the phone.  Skip all emails.  You can either throw them away or hide them in a folder, just don't read them, or you can skim to check the contents and trash the bad ones.  As for talking with your sisters, you will have to discuss what's happening and your choices at some point.  I agree with the above post to contact at least one now, even if you don't intend to really discuss anything, just so that the family can have peace of mind. 

Could you possibly send your mother a letter? Outlining why you're doing this (or just telling her that you are).
I would second being in contact with the sister you are closest to, but also I would suggest reducing your FB activity and visibility dramatically, if you can.

If there was one single incident that led to this, you might want to explain how that incident affected you, but if it was a matter of a million cuts to bleed to death... it may be harder.


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