Author Topic: Need help with a Cut direct  (Read 6531 times)

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mmswm

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Need help with a Cut direct
« on: April 24, 2014, 12:02:22 AM »
Several months ago I moved away from my parents' house. It was sudden and I didn't give much information (this also explains my extended absence here).  Since then, I curtailed any contact substantially (fb message every few weeks), and eventually simply stopped responding.  At this point I'm choosing to stay out of contact with my entire family.  Eventually, I plan on re-establishing contact with my sisters, but not with my parents. 

Throughout this time, my mother and one of my sisters have sent a couple of Facebook messages to one particular friend of mine.  She's been vague in answering, saying things like "as far as I know, she's happy and safe".  Yesterday, my mother ramped it up to an entirely new level.  She sent messages to many of my friends via Facebook and phone, saying she was worried sick about me and yadda, yadda, yadda.  Two of my friends responded with vague, "she's safe as far as I know" type messages.  The others ignored her.

So, here's my question.  I didn't really do a proper cut direct.  I just sort of disappeared and stopped talking to them.  My friends have been willing to play intermediary for me, but that's going to get old fast.  I really need to say something to them directly, but I'm not sure how to do it.  I simply have no desire to speak to them ever again.  On the other hand, I don't want them to do something stupid like filing a missing persons report.  Of course, I have every right to up and move away.  I'm an adult and they have no guardianship rights to my children, but that won't necessarily stop them from trying.  So, considering I've been ignoring all attempts at contact and I'm nowhere close to where they think I might be, what can I say to them to make it clear that they're no longer welcome in my life? 

On another note, no matter what I say, there will be hysterics and martyr-like melodrama because I'm so horrible and so on and so forth, so how do I counter that? For both things, I'm looking for a phrase or set of phrases that isn't mean and spiteful, but makes it clear that this is *my* choice and nothing they say or do will change my mind.

*And yes, I've considered that they might be looking online to places that they know I read/post on, and that they could be reading this, but that's a risk I'm willing to take. 

Some people lift weights.  I lift measures.  It's a far more esoteric workout. - (Quoted from a personal friend)

Texas Mom

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Re: Need help with a Cut direct
« Reply #1 on: April 24, 2014, 12:35:16 AM »
This isn't a cut direct.  A cut direct is when you see someone socially and act as if they don't exist.

You have cut your family out of your life.

Give your friends permission, if contacted in the future, to ignore or block them.

Eventually, I plan on re-establishing contact with my sisters, but not with my parents.

Contact the sister who you are closest to.  Let her know that the children and you are fine, but you have some things to work out.  Tell her you don't know how long it will take before you're ready to re-establish contact with the family.  She may want you to contact her every so often, and if you're willing to do so then agree to a timetable.

Be forewarned that your mom sounds like someone who might hire a PI to find you.

Best Wishes on your journey.

PastryGoddess

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Re: Need help with a Cut direct
« Reply #2 on: April 24, 2014, 12:39:38 AM »
(((hugs)))

You don't need to announce a cut direct, just live it.

You are an adult, you cannot stop your parents from filing a missing persons report if they so choose.  However, I'm assuming you aren't living off of the grid.  The police will be able to find you if they need to.  If it does get to that level, then you may need to start talking to lawyers.

But I would just be a black hole.  Let your parents flail in their own orbit and ignore them.  I would let your friends know that you do not want any information about you to be given to your parents. 

m2kbug

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Re: Need help with a Cut direct
« Reply #3 on: April 24, 2014, 12:42:42 AM »
There's no way to counteract the drama.  My only advice would be to not engage.  Hang up the phone if it starts to get too heated.  When the topic comes up, state you will not discuss it and get off the phone.  Skip all emails.  You can either throw them away or hide them in a folder, just don't read them, or you can skim to check the contents and trash the bad ones.  As for talking with your sisters, you will have to discuss what's happening and your choices at some point.  I agree with the above post to contact at least one now, even if you don't intend to really discuss anything, just so that the family can have peace of mind. 

StarDrifter

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Re: Need help with a Cut direct
« Reply #4 on: April 24, 2014, 12:50:16 AM »
Could you possibly send your mother a letter? Outlining why you're doing this (or just telling her that you are).
I would second being in contact with the sister you are closest to, but also I would suggest reducing your FB activity and visibility dramatically, if you can.

If there was one single incident that led to this, you might want to explain how that incident affected you, but if it was a matter of a million cuts to bleed to death... it may be harder.
... it might frighten them.
Victoria,

RooRoo

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Re: Need help with a Cut direct
« Reply #5 on: April 24, 2014, 12:51:45 AM »
Since they've been using Facebook to harass your friends, why not reply on Facebook? Something like "Please leave my friends alone. The kids and I are well and happy - and we do not want to be in touch with you." (I recommend posting it from a friend's account - preferably someone far far away from both you and the parents!)

Then keep an eye out on Facebook for signs they are escalating.

I don't agree with having your sister give them the news. Playing intermediary within one's own family is not good for one. BTDT.

OT - Possibly the correct term for this is "cut off." What say you, E-hellions?
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TurtleDove

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Re: Need help with a Cut direct
« Reply #6 on: April 24, 2014, 12:53:29 AM »
I think circumstances matter. I would send an email to at least one family member explaining what you told us here, especially that your decision is not up for debate. That way the element of "we have no idea what happened - we are worried - she left abruptly" is addressed. After that, nothing.

And whatever happened, hugs.

mmswm

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Re: Need help with a Cut direct
« Reply #7 on: April 24, 2014, 01:01:53 AM »
See, I sort of feel like I should make one final statement.  Nothing rude or inflammatory, of course, just something...um, I don't know what. Everything I can think of would not be ehell approved. 

Addressing a couple points that have been mentioned:

-Yeah, it's probably more a cut off than a cut direct, since I'm now REALLY far away from everybody.

-I am uncomfortable using my sisters as intermediaries. 

-This is a combination of a large incident and a million tiny cuts

-I have substantially (almost entirely) reduced my facebook visibility.  I've posted a few things with the intention of making it obvious everything is hunky dory.  For example, I took a carefully framed picture of my new-to-me minivan and posted that so that it could be seen by everybody.  What little I post otherwise isn't visible to most of my friends list.

-My friends that responded did so with my knowledge and were quite vague in their responses.

-I don't want to go into any lengthy explanations.  I don't want to get into JADE territory.  I really just want something to the effect of "I no longer wish to be a part of the toxic drama that is my family", though not quite so mean spirited.  That's really what I'm asking for help with.

Some people lift weights.  I lift measures.  It's a far more esoteric workout. - (Quoted from a personal friend)

jedikaiti

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Re: Need help with a Cut direct
« Reply #8 on: April 24, 2014, 01:12:41 AM »
So I've never had to do this, so take it for what little it's worth, but my thinking is this:

1) If one or both of the sisters you hope to one day reestablish contact with would be understanding (and preferably not likely to mention it to the rest of the family), then it would be nice to give them a heads up - both that the cut is coming, and that after a recovery period, you hope to reestablish contact with them, and only them.

2) Send a message to your family - preferably via a route they can't contact you back by - to inform them that you are alive, well, and have no interest in having any further contact with them. Block them on social media, phones, email, etc. Invite your friends to do the same, so they don't get pestered as well.

3) Become a black hole.

Good luck!
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purple

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Re: Need help with a Cut direct
« Reply #9 on: April 24, 2014, 01:15:38 AM »
I would ordinarily say just ignore, but if they're bothering your friends, I don't think you can do that.

Just call your mother and say "I do not want you in my life.  I have no desire to speak with you or see you ever again.  Do not contact me.  Goodbye".  Then hang up the phone.  Do not get into a conversation with her - this is a monologue.

If she contacts you again after that, reply with "I told you not to contact me.  If you call this number again I will change it and then seek legal advice regarding a no contact order and complete legal emancipation from you.  Goodbye".

It never went any further than that second message for me with the person I cut out of my life, but if he had contacted me again after that, I would've gone through with the whole legal thing.

Tea Drinker

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Re: Need help with a Cut direct
« Reply #10 on: April 24, 2014, 01:23:29 AM »
So I've never had to do this, so take it for what little it's worth, but my thinking is this:

1) If one or both of the sisters you hope to one day reestablish contact with would be understanding (and preferably not likely to mention it to the rest of the family), then it would be nice to give them a heads up - both that the cut is coming, and that after a recovery period, you hope to reestablish contact with them, and only them.

2) Send a message to your family - preferably via a route they can't contact you back by - to inform them that you are alive, well, and have no interest in having any further contact with them. Block them on social media, phones, email, etc. Invite your friends to do the same, so they don't get pestered as well.

3) Become a black hole.

Good luck!

That makes sense to me, and one usable route they can't contact you back by would be a brief letter, with no return address, possibly mailed from a city or town other than the one you live in. Maybe a letter to the sister you're closest to, telling her that you'll be in touch when you've had time to work things out, and a simple "I want no further contact" to your parents.

One advantage of a paper letter is that it doesn't give them an opening to ask for explanations or get another dig in.
Any advice that requires the use of a time machine may safely be ignored.

PastryGoddess

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Re: Need help with a Cut direct
« Reply #11 on: April 24, 2014, 01:28:44 AM »
When I did a cut direct I set an automatic email response that said: "I no longer wish to remain in contact with you.  Please do not contact me in any way"  Or something like that, I may of spelled out the different forms of contact, I really don't remember.  For my email address that wouldn't allow a automatic responder I just put all of their emails into a folder that I checked every now and then. 

I set their phone number to silent, blocked them on facebook and that was it. 

Honestly there is no point in having one last contact with them.  It's not going to to anything except open you up to their abuse again. 

mmswm

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Re: Need help with a Cut direct
« Reply #12 on: April 24, 2014, 01:40:20 AM »
This is going to be difficult.  I'm having a hard time saying things so bluntly.  I suppose y'all are right though, in that there's really nothing I can say that will not lead to melodrama.  Now, did anybody see where I stuck my titanium spine?
Some people lift weights.  I lift measures.  It's a far more esoteric workout. - (Quoted from a personal friend)

purple

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Re: Need help with a Cut direct
« Reply #13 on: April 24, 2014, 02:22:35 AM »
This is going to be difficult.  I'm having a hard time saying things so bluntly.  I suppose y'all are right though, in that there's really nothing I can say that will not lead to melodrama.  Now, did anybody see where I stuck my titanium spine?

There will be no drama for you.

Just remember that this is a monologue and you choose the way in which you contact them - by phone or email or letter, whatever is more comfortable for you.

Remember, just say or write one or two very blunt sentences, then forget.

They can cause all the drama they want, but you won't be around to hear any of it, so, like I say - no drama for you!!  :)

cicero

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Re: Need help with a Cut direct
« Reply #14 on: April 24, 2014, 02:26:35 AM »
This is going to be difficult.  I'm having a hard time saying things so bluntly.  I suppose y'all are right though, in that there's really nothing I can say that will not lead to melodrama.  Now, did anybody see where I stuck my titanium spine?
your spine is right there. use it.

I agree with PPs that there is no easy way to do this - or at least no drama-free/guilt free way. I also think you should just continue to be a black hole and stop using your friends or family as intermediaries. Tell your friends to feel free to block your parents from their facebooks. by this point - your parents know that you are alive and well because they were told so by a number of people (save those messages). If they want to go file a missing person's report - that's on them.

if you want some kind of closure on this - which is what it sounds like you need - then get your closure without involving the other side. start by writing them a bare-all, no-holding-back letter and do.not.send it. i repeat - write it but do not send it. this is the most cliche advice - but one of the most effective methods to get some closure. other than that - and maybe seeing a therapist for yourself - you should focus all your energies right now on yourself, your children, your family. that is what is important right now - regain the safety and stability that you all need.

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