Author Topic: Need help with a Cut direct  (Read 6467 times)

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aussie_chick

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Re: Need help with a Cut direct
« Reply #15 on: April 24, 2014, 03:51:56 AM »
Since they've been using Facebook to harass your friends, why not reply on Facebook? Something like "Please leave my friends alone. The kids and I are well and happy - and we do not want to be in touch with you." (I recommend posting it from a friend's account - preferably someone far far away from both you and the parents!)

Then keep an eye out on Facebook for signs they are escalating.

I don't agree with having your sister give them the news. Playing intermediary within one's own family is not good for one. BTDT.

OT - Possibly the correct term for this is "cut off." What say you, E-hellions?

POD this.
Whilst you don't have to give them any explanation or let them know anything, if you are concerned about them contacting police, or continuing to harass your friends, then a very very brief email like:
Mum - The children and I are well and happy. Do not continue to attempt to contact me. I do not wish to continue a relationship with you. My friends will not provide you with any information, therefore do not continue to ask them.

I realise my note above sounds harsh and to some, unnecessarily harsh, however I can only imagine that whatever has happened to lead to you to cut them out of you life is serious enough to not use "please" and "thank you" in your email.

You could let your friends know that you have given your family this information therefore if more contact is attempted, block and delete.

Piratelvr1121

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Re: Need help with a Cut direct
« Reply #16 on: April 24, 2014, 07:27:44 AM »
You have my sympathy, M.  As you know, I've cut off my family and it's not easy.  You definitely have my sympathy, m'dear.  I know when I cut my parents (since really they and one aunt are the only ones I've cut off, it's not the whole family) I kept waiting for another shoe to drop and I remember that shortly before that happened, my bff had dubbed me a new BWB (B**** with backbone) and I remember saying "I don't know if I can do this!" She told me "Well honey you have to either *expletive* or get off the pot*, and decide for yourself if you're going to use your newfound backbone."

Well I did use it and it felt good, though there was still that feeling of looking to the skies for the soles of shoes. 

They, too, tried to send flying monkeys and the one aunt took it upon herself to be a flying monkey.  I told her "Look I have my reasons, please stop trying to guilt me into re-establishing contact as it won't work. If and when I decide to do that, it will be my own choice and on my own time." She kept pushing via fbook so I blocked her.

Two of my good friends told me things that helped me shine up my spine.  One reminded me of the speech Sarah gives Jareth near the end of Labyrinth, namely the last 6 words. "You have no power over me."  Another likened my parents to mosquitoes. Just buzzing around, leaving bites that itched but really weren't any more harmful than that and easy to swat away (figuratively of course). More than anything it cut them down to size, made them less worrisome or intimidating. :)
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

bloo

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Re: Need help with a Cut direct
« Reply #17 on: April 24, 2014, 07:40:42 AM »
It will be very hard at first but it does get easier.

When my DH was in his 20's he cut off his divorced parents. He had relatives (a few) pestering him to re-establish contact and it was so stressful to him that he had to pull away from those flying monkeys for a while.

He now has limited contact with his dad (checks on him by phone every month) and no relation_ship with his mother. He dutifully visits his grandmother when he's in her town and when she starts pestering him to restore the relation_ships (To what? Their former glory?) he can swat those thoughts away easily like a buzzing fly and feels no stress at all.

I know of no perfect, polite way to cut someone off. It's ugly no matter how it's done. But no matter how it's done, given enough time - and distance - it will start to feel normal and stress-free.

With oodles of sympathies to mmswm and Piratelvr1121!

kherbert05

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Re: Need help with a Cut direct
« Reply #18 on: April 24, 2014, 07:53:39 AM »
I say black hole your parents. Let your sisters know you are ok, but need time to sort things out.

You said they had no guardianship over your kids but might try to go that route.

If your kids are in a US public school, send them a notarized letter forbidding contact with your parents. You are the parent, and they are not legal guardians - so that is all you should need. Every school I've ever worked has had a such a list at the reception desk. A good deal of the check in procedures that people think are a response to random and rare school shootings are really about situations like yours.
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Piratelvr1121

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Re: Need help with a Cut direct
« Reply #19 on: April 24, 2014, 08:17:46 AM »
I say black hole your parents. Let your sisters know you are ok, but need time to sort things out.

You said they had no guardianship over your kids but might try to go that route.

If your kids are in a US public school, send them a notarized letter forbidding contact with your parents. You are the parent, and they are not legal guardians - so that is all you should need. Every school I've ever worked has had a such a list at the reception desk. A good deal of the check in procedures that people think are a response to random and rare school shootings are really about situations like yours.

POD to this. Until we were able to move to our current town, we made sure the school knew not to let the boys go anywhere with the grandparents, as the school was in walking distance of my parent's home.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

YummyMummy66

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Re: Need help with a Cut direct
« Reply #20 on: April 24, 2014, 08:34:23 AM »
First of all, your friends need to stop contact. There is no reason to reply to your mother's messages on Facebook.  They should simply ignore.

Second, she is not going to call the police. She knows you are ok.  She is trying to guilt your friends into telling her where you are.

Third, however you do it, call, email, write a letter, tell your parents you will never, ever again have a relationship with them, nor will your children.  You are done.  You do not need to go into detail.  Just make it simple and quick.  They know what the deal is even if they choose not to admit to it.  If they try to contact you in any way, you will file harrassment charges against them.  And if you have to, do so.  Let them know you mean business. 

Yes, let your sisters know that you wish to contact again, that you just need some time, but also let them know that you will enver have a relationship with your parents again.  At this time, I would say nothing more, but if there comes a time where you do contact yoru sisters again and they pester you about mom and dad I would let them know, that it will never happen and if they keep pushing the issue in any way shape or form, you will limit your contact with them as well. 

Hugs.  I hope everything works out for you.

TootsNYC

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Re: Need help with a Cut direct
« Reply #21 on: April 24, 2014, 08:40:11 AM »
You might also consider the lower-drama approach in your contact. (But I think you are right that there should be one final message of some sort.)

Send a message, perhaps via Facebook, and say, "You don't need to worry. The kids and I are fine. But I am taking a long break, so you won't hear from me. Right now I need a lot of space. Don't contact my friends or try to get in touch with me. I'll be back in touch when it feels right for me. The more you harass me, the longer that will be."

Or even something short like, "Mom & Dad--I'm fine and the kids are fine." And nothing more.

With this approach, my idea is that you don't get into proclaiming a huge break. You just remove the whole legitimacy of their "I'm so worried!!!" approach.
  Sort of, "don't be a bomb; be Teflon."

"When it feels right for me" could be forever. This declares it as something only you decide.

But that phrase also leaves the door open for highly superficial contact. That hope (false though it may be) might shut them up. And it keeps your sisters out of drama as well.

Once you've sent that, then encourage all of your friends to defriend your mom on Facebook over the next three or four weeks. And do so yourself. And never respond to any of her follow-up questions and pleas.

I had a niece who just up and vanished. There was a showdown about her boyfriend (they were staying w/ her parents; parents said "he can't stay here anymore; you can, but he can't"--it was warranted, believe me). She was mad, of course, but said, "OK, but I'll be the one to tell him," they went for a drive, and they never came back. She didn't call, nothing.
   My sister *did* file a missing persons report. But that was because she didn't contact *anybody*--not friends, no one. We were 80% sure she had left on her own, but the 20% chance that she hadn't was real (he'd taken off w/ her in the car before, and she'd called from a rest stop in another state to say, "come get me, I finally was able to get to a phone") made us really worried. And the longer it went on, the more scared we got that his issues had turned violent.
    She finally did post something on Facebook that said, "I'm sorry I worried everyone, I'm fine." That one single message had a huge calming effect.

   Now, my sister isn't toxic, by any means. And if she'd gotten a message like the one I suggest right away, that would have been an end to it. (Her one single message *did* create an end to it.) Since your parents have driven you away, it's not sensible to compare them.

CaffeineKatie

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Re: Need help with a Cut direct
« Reply #22 on: April 24, 2014, 08:58:42 AM »
POD most of what has been said with 2 additions--

1) IF your parents file a missing persons report, it might actually be a good thing.  The police will find out you are fine, that your parents are just causing drama and then the police will also tell your parents to leave you alone and stop wasting their time!

and

2) Dear Prudence, a columnist on Slate.org, recently wrote about family pressure to "forgive" elderly toxic parents and the damage it does to people who left their families for very good reasons.  You are not alone in making this decision; I read it and it made me feel better about my decision.  I hope it helps.  Good luck!

Coley

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Re: Need help with a Cut direct
« Reply #23 on: April 24, 2014, 09:22:04 AM »
(((Hugs))) ...

I became a black hole to my mother and brother last summer after having been in low-contact status for several years. There was e-mail communication with both of them that preceded the black hole, which my brother initiated. I ended it by saying I would no longer be in contact.

My mother sent several e-mails and a long letter in which she detailed her utter lack of understanding for why I would refuse contact. The letter, ironically, alludes to my reasons, so clearly she is aware of them; however, she dismisses them. The letter is a two-page, single-spaced guilt trip. She has continued to send greeting cards for holidays and birthdays during this time. I have not responded to her e-mails, the letter, or reciprocated with greeting cards. I could return the cards, etc. from my mother, but to me the return is a form of communication.

My brother's e-mails last summer were so heinous that I blocked him on FB, by e-mail, and on my cell phone. I'm done. I will not communicate with him again. I have no idea whether he has attempted to contact me. DH is still friends with my brother on FB; however, DH says there has been no FB activity from my brother in a long time.

My mother opened a FB account last year after I became a black hole. She sent me a friend request. I am ignoring it.

The lesson I have learned from this is that it doesn't matter whether I tell my family that I am refusing contact. They are unwilling to respect that. My mother continues to attempt contact regardless. YMMV. Only you can decide whether there is merit or benefit in making final contact with your parents or filling your sister(s) in on the situation.

I have written several of the letters cicero suggested. They will remain unsent. It has been somewhat cathartic to say everything I want to say without sending them.

Good luck. I understand how hard this is. I wish you all the best.

JenJay

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Re: Need help with a Cut direct
« Reply #24 on: April 24, 2014, 10:18:31 AM »
I'm assuming your parents know why you moved and haven't had any contact with them since, so I don't think you need to explain anything or even ask them not to contact you. Reach out to your sister when you're ready. You don't need to go into detail with her, either, unless she asks and you want to discuss it. Otherwise a simple "I needed some space to clear my head but I miss you and I hope we can still be close despite my lack of relationship with our mutual relatives." or similar.

As for your friends, I could see one "I'm in contact with her and she's fine" but I don't think your parents are going to stop until you reach out to them, even if it's just to say "Leave my friends alone, this is between us." I would come up with something and ask all of your friends to start responding with the same statement. Maybe "mmswm has asked me not to speak on her behalf. Please don't contact me again." They can then ignore any further attempts, blocking if necessary.

Dream

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Re: Need help with a Cut direct
« Reply #25 on: April 24, 2014, 10:28:23 AM »
Tempted to suggest a registered letter stating very clearly.

We are fine. I choose not to be in touch with you. A copy of this letter and details of when and who signed for it are being kept to prove you have been informed of our intention and well being.

I would request your friends block your family and then do your best to leave them behind because I can't see you getting closure with them. Only more and more contact attempts.

veronaz

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Re: Need help with a Cut direct
« Reply #26 on: April 24, 2014, 10:32:55 AM »
I donít agree with the idea of using the internet in general, or Facebook in particular, to conduct an emotional war (for lack of a better term).  Frankly, it would be best to block them and stay off FB for awhile.

At most, Iíd send them a short letter making it clear that I want no further contact and that they need to stop contacting your friends digging for information about you.

Then move on with your life.

m2kbug

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Re: Need help with a Cut direct
« Reply #27 on: April 24, 2014, 10:34:03 AM »
I say black hole your parents. Let your sisters know you are ok, but need time to sort things out.

You said they had no guardianship over your kids but might try to go that route.

If your kids are in a US public school, send them a notarized letter forbidding contact with your parents. You are the parent, and they are not legal guardians - so that is all you should need. Every school I've ever worked has had a such a list at the reception desk. A good deal of the check in procedures that people think are a response to random and rare school shootings are really about situations like yours.

When you fill out the emergency card, they can be on the no contact/no call list and not allowed to pick up your children.  I don't know if you would have to go so far as get a restraining order, though.  It might just be required when it comes to another parent, not grandparents/aunts/uncles, etc.  You should double check with the school district as far as extra measures are concerned if you feel like this may be necessary. 

pierrotlunaire0

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Re: Need help with a Cut direct
« Reply #28 on: April 24, 2014, 12:24:24 PM »
I would suggest a variation of Toots' suggestion:

We are fine.  Goodby.

I know the situation right now itches, and you want to send THE REAL MESSAGE.  But that feeling will pass, and there really is no good from communicating with them in any way.
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Redneck Gravy

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Re: Need help with a Cut direct
« Reply #29 on: April 24, 2014, 12:36:31 PM »
I am going to go against the grain here a little bit ... before you give them the terminal, final cut I would let them know that you are fine and that you would prefer they not contact you at this time.  And do not use any other family members as intermediaries. 

I know you are feeling/thinking/saying this is final but I wouldn't write anything that says that just yet. Please, please wait to make your final/final/final decision. 

I cut my sis off four years ago and I miss her so, so much but the lying, stealing, back stabbing, toxic behavior had to stop!  But I still miss her and I would forgive her if she would ask for forgiveness and make some behavioral changes.  I miss her more and more but she is exactly the same today as she was four years ago  :'(