Author Topic: Need help with a Cut direct  (Read 6532 times)

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artk2002

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Re: Need help with a Cut direct
« Reply #30 on: April 24, 2014, 06:01:56 PM »
See, I sort of feel like I should make one final statement.  Nothing rude or inflammatory, of course, just something...um, I don't know what. Everything I can think of would not be ehell approved. 

To start with, you need to be able to explain to yourself what it is you want to accomplish with a final statement. If it's to get them to change, even to realize how awful they've been, don't bother. To get them to respect your need for space? Forget it.  To leave your friends alone? Not a chance.  If it's to give yourself some kind of closure then write a letter, on paper, and then burn it.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bow lines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. -Mark Twain

Julian

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Re: Need help with a Cut direct
« Reply #31 on: April 24, 2014, 08:38:31 PM »
M, you've received some great advice here.

My adoptive mother has been cut off and cut direct for many years now.  Like you, it was a combination of 'death by a thousand cuts' and one specific instance.

There was a history of big blowups and cut communication, but eventually she'd call like nothing ever happened, and weak me would recommence communications.  Very typical behaviour for her - classic NPD with martyr-like ability to manipulate and guilt! 

Eventually I polished up my spine, and after the last egregious incident, cut her off for good.  I eventually moved to virtually the other side of the country and she no longer has any contact info for me.  I kept my house in Other City for a year after I moved, and my sister, who was keeping an eye on it, said there'd been a flurry of phone messages left by Mother Dearest (sarcasm!) like nothing had happened.  I told her 'delete and ignore'.  Mind you, this was a good 3-4 years after the final blowup.

I am the oldest of 7 kids - they're all her bio kids - and thankfully none of them have questioned my decisions.  Several of them wish they had the spine to do the same thing.  She's getting worse as she ages, so they do keep me up to date (don't really want to know, but they need some moral support, poor things) and that's about it.

Anyway, after that novella...  my point is, it's hard to maintain a cut, and the hardest time is when the cut is fresh.  You want to scream at them 'leave me alone!' and tell them why.  The thing is, why isn't important.  They know you and the kids are OK.  Anything else is just going to prolong the attempts to contact, and ramp up the hysteria as well. 

Ask your friends on FB to block them or ignore.  If you want to send a message via any avenue, just make it short and to the point - 'we're OK, leave us alone.'  Block them yourself.  Keep limited access to your sisters until things cool down.  Ignore, ignore, ignore the parental units.  Be the black hole!

If they go the 'missing person' route it will backfire on them.  You're not missing - your friends know where you are.  The police have way more important things to do and if they tried that here they'd be charged with making false complaints.

Last of all, ((((((hugs!!!))))))  I know how hard it is.  But after everything else you've been through with your kids, girl I know you can do this.  You do have a spine, it's in the right spot - it just needs a bit of a buff-up to get its shine back.

mmswm

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Re: Need help with a Cut direct
« Reply #32 on: April 24, 2014, 09:24:51 PM »
Thanks everybody for your advise and support.  I've received numerous PM's offering additional support, and I'm truly grateful.  Since I'm still not sure if they can read this, please forgive me for not going into details, but the event that led to closure for me was today.  I had some difficult moments this morning, but I'm feeling much better tonight.

ETA: For those who have sent me PM's.  I'm working on responding to them, but with all my other obligations, it's a slow process.  Rest assured, I plan on responding to each and every one of them.
Some people lift weights.  I lift measures.  It's a far more esoteric workout. - (Quoted from a personal friend)

jedikaiti

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Re: Need help with a Cut direct
« Reply #33 on: April 24, 2014, 09:53:19 PM »
{{{{{mmswm}}}}}
What part of v_e = \sqrt{\frac{2GM}{r}} don't you understand? It's only rocket science!

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GreenEyedHawk

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Re: Need help with a Cut direct
« Reply #34 on: April 24, 2014, 10:01:43 PM »
Good luck to you.  Stay strong!
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lakey

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Re: Need help with a Cut direct
« Reply #35 on: April 24, 2014, 10:24:32 PM »
I have no idea what your problems are with your parents. I'm going to assume that they are bad enough, that they are causing such serious problems in your life, that you need to separate yourself from them.

That being said, I think it would be good of you to communicate to them the fact that you want to end contact with them, and your reasons. It's the mature thing to do. If doing that in person or through a phone call would be too difficult, then maybe you could write a letter. I would keep it fairly short and too the point, trying not to be too angry.

Dear Mom & Dad,
Because of blah blah blah, and blah blah blah, I've decided that it would be better to not have contact with you. I've given this a lot of thought, and would appreciate your having enough respect for me as an independent adult to accept this. The children and I will be fine.
Sincerely,
Daughter

Good luck, OP. I hope everything with you is okay.


Tea Drinker

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Re: Need help with a Cut direct
« Reply #36 on: April 24, 2014, 10:45:54 PM »
I have no idea what your problems are with your parents. I'm going to assume that they are bad enough, that they are causing such serious problems in your life, that you need to separate yourself from them.

That being said, I think it would be good of you to communicate to them the fact that you want to end contact with them, and your reasons. It's the mature thing to do. If doing that in person or through a phone call would be too difficult, then maybe you could write a letter. I would keep it fairly short and too the point, trying not to be too angry.

Dear Mom & Dad,
Because of blah blah blah, and blah blah blah, I've decided that it would be better to not have contact with you. I've given this a lot of thought, and would appreciate your having enough respect for me as an independent adult to accept this. The children and I will be fine.
Sincerely,
Daughter

Good luck, OP. I hope everything with you is okay.

They know. Or at least, they know what they did, and if they don't already realize that it's inappropriate and a big deal, they're not going to suddenly grasp it this time.

In a novel, the OP would be sending a letter "I just discovered that you cheated me out of my inheritance. Never speak to me again." But even in that novel, the heroine's parent(s) would know what they had done.
Any advice that requires the use of a time machine may safely be ignored.

Elfmama

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Re: Need help with a Cut direct
« Reply #37 on: April 24, 2014, 10:58:05 PM »
So I've never had to do this, so take it for what little it's worth, but my thinking is this:

1) If one or both of the sisters you hope to one day reestablish contact with would be understanding (and preferably not likely to mention it to the rest of the family), then it would be nice to give them a heads up - both that the cut is coming, and that after a recovery period, you hope to reestablish contact with them, and only them.

2) Send a message to your family - preferably via a route they can't contact you back by - to inform them that you are alive, well, and have no interest in having any further contact with them. Block them on social media, phones, email, etc. Invite your friends to do the same, so they don't get pestered as well.

3) Become a black hole.

Good luck!

That makes sense to me, and one usable route they can't contact you back by would be a brief letter, with no return address, possibly mailed from a city or town other than the one you live in. Maybe a letter to the sister you're closest to, telling her that you'll be in touch when you've had time to work things out, and a simple "I want no further contact" to your parents.

One advantage of a paper letter is that it doesn't give them an opening to ask for explanations or get another dig in.
There are also a number of businesses that will forward a snailmail letter for you, for a small fee, around $2.  So if you are in, say, Kentucky, you send your letter to the remailer and it goes out to your family with a Texas postmark.  Google "remailing service."
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TurtleDove

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Re: Need help with a Cut direct
« Reply #38 on: April 25, 2014, 07:16:53 AM »
I wouldn't assume the parents "know what they've done," but that isn't the point of sending a letter in my mind. To me, the OP isn't justifying *why* she is doing why she is doing but rather saying *what* she is doing - deliberately cutting off contact and disappearing from their lives. By making that statement - "the kids and I are fine - we simply do not want contact with you" - the OP makes her intentions clear. Otherwise I think regardless of whatever awful things her family did the family would have a valid concern of "OP and her kids are gone - we have no idea where or whether they are safe - could they have been kidnapped? Killed?" With the letter that type of drama is cut off before it starts - "I and the kids are fine - please do not attempt to contact us."

ellebelle

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Re: Need help with a Cut direct
« Reply #39 on: April 25, 2014, 09:39:18 AM »
OP,

I can tell you what I did when I cut my Father off.  The situation had been burning for months (May -January). I had been yelled at, called really nasty things, etc.  After a LOT of conversation with my then fiance, I made the decision that having him in my life was not healthy for me, my future family, and actually I don't think it was healthy for my father either (I was always a fall back for him - used me as an emotional crutch). 

I did send a final email explaining that I didn't feel that our relationship was good for either of us. I wished him happiness but explained that I did not want to have any additional contact with him.

He does continue to email everyonce and a while, but I am a black hole. I keep the emails for protection purposes - as an only child, I want to make sure that I am covered in regards to my lack of communication with him (money issues).  I did keep a copy of the email I sent as well so that if needed I have documentation where I specifically asked him to stop contacting me. I did have to change my cell phone number also, which stinks, but ended up being a good thing anyway. 

Unfortunately, he continues to contact me, my husband, and some of my extended family (on my mom's side), and even showed up at the hospital when I had my daughter (the only words I have said to him in 5 years are "you need to leave").  Everytime he contacts me again, or someone in my family, it reminds me why I chose to cut him out of my life. It is easy to have regrets, but you have to remind yourself why you are cutting them out of your life and why it is about your health and life.

Please feel free to PM me if you need to talk.
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Nuala

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Re: Need help with a Cut direct
« Reply #40 on: April 25, 2014, 03:59:58 PM »
Quote from: ellebelle
Unfortunately, he continues to contact me, my husband, and some of my extended family (on my mom's side), and even showed up at the hospital when I had my daughter (the only words I have said to him in 5 years are "you need to leave"). 

Oh, my! How did he know you were at the hospital?

ClaireC79

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Re: Need help with a Cut direct
« Reply #41 on: April 26, 2014, 08:09:04 AM »
If you want to send them a letter from the UK feel free to send one to me and I'll post it on.

I would do one final contact (if you have already done this then I wouldn't do another) just saying 'I have chosen to leave, I am fine, the kids are fine.  You know why I have made this decision and I don't wish to discuss it.  Please do not try to contact me, either directly or through friends'

AmethystAnne

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Re: Need help with a Cut direct
« Reply #42 on: April 26, 2014, 09:54:11 AM »
Quote from: ellebelle
Unfortunately, he continues to contact me, my husband, and some of my extended family (on my mom's side), and even showed up at the hospital when I had my daughter (the only words I have said to him in 5 years are "you need to leave"). 

Oh, my! How did he know you were at the hospital?

Flying monkeys?

ellebelle

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Re: Need help with a Cut direct
« Reply #43 on: April 28, 2014, 10:58:02 AM »
Quote from: ellebelle
Unfortunately, he continues to contact me, my husband, and some of my extended family (on my mom's side), and even showed up at the hospital when I had my daughter (the only words I have said to him in 5 years are "you need to leave"). 

Oh, my! How did he know you were at the hospital?

Flying monkeys?

I found out a Cousin who I was friends with on Facebook tipped him off. She is now blocked on Facebook  >:D
- Well behaved women rarely make history


kckgirl

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Re: Need help with a Cut direct
« Reply #44 on: April 28, 2014, 12:05:00 PM »
If your kids are in a US public school, send them a notarized letter forbidding contact with your parents. You are the parent, and they are not legal guardians - so that is all you should need. Every school I've ever worked has had a such a list at the reception desk. A good deal of the check in procedures that people think are a response to random and rare school shootings are really about situations like yours.

Something similar happened with my grandchild. The other grandmother tried to pick grandchild up, and said they'd be out of town on vacation for a week. The school had no communication from the parents about it, so school personnel didn't get grandchild from class and asked her to leave. This wasn't even a cutoff situation. She just went off on a wild hair sometimes, but the school took care of it.
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