First of all, sleeping baby and the bonfire, this is something that I would do, along with the neighbor friends who had young children on the occasion we did a bonfire.
I would too but only if I was at my own house, so knew it was toddler-proofed, and/or had a baby monitor so I could hear if the kiddo got up and started to roam around. My concern with the OP's scenario isn't so much that she was left alone in the house as the likelihood that the house wasn't set up to be as safe as possible for unattended toddlers and they had no way of knowing if she got scared or hurt, since they couldn't see her or hear her. I do realize that my perception is skewed by the fact that my kids are now all over 10yo and I still get uncomfortable if I'm completely out of contact with them. Ahh the blessing/curse of cell phones, eh?
I just wanted to clarify that since I was one of the people who said they'd also be alarmed. I don't want it to sound like I think anyone who goes outside with a sleeping child inside is being neglectful.
I agree. What I glean from the OP is that Barry and Sue are uninterested in parenting their
kid. It's like they know that they kinda have to give an appearance of it (after all, they did say they would check on Jane) but according to the OP, they never did. From the OP:
Mornings were kids stuff (and Barry and Sue insisted we all stay together for it) and afternoons Jane was brought to wineries, breweries and bars. In the evenings we all then went back to the house. Barry and Sue seem not to want to change their lifestyle at all now that they are parents.
Honestly, I just think that not socializing with them until they start to parent or until they're done parenting...or until they're willing to have a babysitter would be my options.
I do know of lazy parents who 'check out' and expect other people to parent their kids. My one frenemy, Ursula, is like this. She's very into certain things about parenting: Pretty dresses and photoshoots and constant updates of such to Facebook and Instagram, themeparks and parties for minor milestones. But if you involve yourself into her recreation, you will be
taking care of her kids. Posted previously but I think it may be lost in the purge as I can't find it under 'search':
Ursula decided to have a pool party with no one under 16 invited. Her kids were 2 and 4, IIRC. Mine were 14 & 12. So, I figured we'd pass since our kids would probably have had more fun than we would have and we decided to do something with our own kids. No problems there.
But I also suspected that Ursula's kids would be at that party and I didn't want to leave my kids at home only to get stuck watching hers since I noticed a pattern of this with her (the pattern being that I was always watching her kids so they wouldn't: drown, stake themselves, eat or drink something they really shouldn't, etc).
When she invited me, I asked who was watching her kids and when she told me who (relative in extremely poor health) I figured 90% chance her kids would be there.
Well one close friend, Tara, told me she was going and leaving her own little ones at home. She brought up how irritated she'd be if Ursula's kids were there. I told her, "plan on it. You know Ursula." She rolled her eyes and went anyway.
Later on she mentioned that she went to the party only a half hour early and ended up being co-opted into babysitting Ursula's kids (surprise - the babysitter fell through
) so that Ursula could prepare food and Ursula's DH could ride on his ATV. When the party was in full swing, no one noticed the 2 yo drowning
and so Tara hauled him out of the pool and he threw up a huge amount of food all over the pool deck. No one watching him eat or swim, apparently. So a mere hour after the party started, Tara informed Ursula she'd need to watch her kids as she was going home to her own kids.
Tara ended the recount with, "and that's the last time I go to another party hosted by Ursula that's 'no kids'".
We ended up backing way off from Ursula and her DH as they have a pattern of ignoring big dangers and focusing on non-essentials - even for the teenage crowd.
And OP, backing off from Barry and Sue may be your best option.