Author Topic: When someone invites themselves to your trip  (Read 8249 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Celany

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1610
  • the soul of a cat, in the body of a person...
Re: When someone invites themselves to your trip
« Reply #45 on: October 16, 2014, 02:24:56 PM »
Erm, could we maybe leave off on speculating about what losing access (or never having access) to a grandparent may or may not do? I never knew my granddads; one died before I was born & the other died when I was less than a year. It's very...rude to the people who haven't had access to grandparents (no matter what the reason) to speculate on what "damage" that may or may not have done to them.

From a different perspective:  My grandparents nearly all died when I was very young, and I rarely saw the one that lived a little longer.   I do *not* feel that any speculation about how damaging or beneficial the grandparent relationship would have been is bothersome.  I don't think it's rude at all.

So if people are having a conversation about how children that don't have grandparents in their life potentially have damage done to them, you don't feel like that's them making a really interesting assumption about you and the person you are, based on one sliver of your life?

If you're not offended...I'll be honest, I don't understand it. But offended or not, it is rude to speculate on how any general thing may have damaged people. Especially in a situation like this, when posters have no idea whether or not the type of person they're speculating on is reading the thread.
I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior. ~ Hippolyte Taine

Wordgeek

  • Global Moderator
  • *****
  • Posts: 2047
Re: When someone invites themselves to your trip
« Reply #46 on: October 16, 2014, 05:42:10 PM »
Talking in generalities about various social situations isn't rude, as far as I'm aware.

Celany, if you don't care for a particular discussion, you're welcome to disregard it.

aiki

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1194
  • We can't all have Pippa's backside.
Re: When someone invites themselves to your trip
« Reply #47 on: October 16, 2014, 06:07:52 PM »
Yep. If the grandparents want access to their grandchildren, they must be nice to the parents.

Absolutely. No child was ever permanently damaged simply because their grandparents lost access. Personally, even though these people are not toxic, I'd be limiting my child's time around them. I need my kids to have good role models.

Maybe not, but they may have missed out on having another person in their life to love and support them.

Obviously if someone is toxic, they don't deserve to be around the grandchildren. But some people use kids as leverage to get what they want. My brother & SIL's definition of "be nice to the parents" is "do favors for us whenever we ask for them, and give us money when we ask for it." If you don't do these things, you're cut off from contact with the kids. It's the reason my mother hasn't been allowed to see her grandchildren in over two years. Children are not a "trump card."

Maybe the words "trump card" are a sticking point. It rather implies that games are being played.

It is unfortunate that your sibling and his wife are selfish parents, but the principle stands - the only way to have a relationship with a child is to maintain a relationship with that child's parents. If the kids in this case are hurt, it's not because of the lack of grandparents in their lives, it's because their parents are less than ideal.

In other cases, it is best for children to have a home and parents that are, for the most part,  free of stress and anxiety. If this means limiting and controlling contact with stress inducing people, grandparents or not, then so be it. If a stress-producing person can be encouraged to behave better in hopes of spending more time with their grandchildren, well that's a good outcome too.

"A true gentleman is one who is never unintentionally rude."  - Oscar Wilde

nayberry

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 820
Re: When someone invites themselves to your trip
« Reply #48 on: October 16, 2014, 06:19:07 PM »
Yep. If the grandparents want access to their grandchildren, they must be nice to the parents.

Absolutely. No child was ever permanently damaged simply because their grandparents lost access. Personally, even though these people are not toxic, I'd be limiting my child's time around them. I need my kids to have good role models.

Maybe not, but they may have missed out on having another person in their life to love and support them.

Obviously if someone is toxic, they don't deserve to be around the grandchildren. But some people use kids as leverage to get what they want. My brother & SIL's definition of "be nice to the parents" is "do favors for us whenever we ask for them, and give us money when we ask for it." If you don't do these things, you're cut off from contact with the kids. It's the reason my mother hasn't been allowed to see her grandchildren in over two years. Children are not a "trump card."

Maybe the words "trump card" are a sticking point. It rather implies that games are being played.

It is unfortunate that your sibling and his wife are selfish parents, but the principle stands - the only way to have a relationship with a child is to maintain a relationship with that child's parents. If the kids in this case are hurt, it's not because of the lack of grandparents in their lives, it's because their parents are less than ideal.

In other cases, it is best for children to have a home and parents that are, for the most part,  free of stress and anxiety. If this means limiting and controlling contact with stress inducing people, grandparents or not, then so be it. If a stress-producing person can be encouraged to behave better in hopes of spending more time with their grandchildren, well that's a good outcome too.

I've already told hubby that if FiL insults, belittles or just acts like a rear end, that will be the end of any visiting once we have children. I don't see him atm anyway and it has been made clear that if/when we have any children, his rude behaviour will get him cut off completely.  Given the unusual bg to their family(too long a story), we are their only chance of grandchildren.  If that isn't enough to make fil behave then I don't know what would be.

I was lucky, I had grandparents in my life until I was 30+, lost the first two in my 20s, and yes it was lovely to have that extra family around, however if they had done the things that fil did, I'd have c/d even tho I loved them.