Author Topic: Teaching moments . . . AKA compliments with criticism. Response #48  (Read 6202 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Sharnita

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 21616
Re: Teaching moments . . . AKA compliments with criticism.
« Reply #15 on: April 27, 2014, 05:00:38 PM »
Honestly,  it sounds like it would make for a miserable work experience as well. I'd probably turn it into a game - "I just did X for Suzy, I wonder what criticism she's going to come up with when she thanks me?"

PastryGoddess

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 5069
    • My Image Portfolio and Store
Re: Teaching moments . . . AKA compliments with criticism.
« Reply #16 on: April 27, 2014, 05:37:31 PM »
I keep my compliments and my criticisms separate. Following a compliment with a criticism just negates the compliment in the ears of the receiver.

I agree.  If every single compliment comes with a criticism of some kind, then the receiver is never going to trust you to give a compliment

CakeEater

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2826
Re: Teaching moments . . . AKA compliments with criticism.
« Reply #17 on: April 27, 2014, 05:52:40 PM »
I think I'd rather never hear a compliment if it was always followed by a criticism, or teaching moment.

Stricken_Halo

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 157
Re: Teaching moments . . . AKA compliments with criticism.
« Reply #18 on: April 27, 2014, 05:58:31 PM »
Whether or not to make something a "teaching moment" depends to some extent on the situation and your role in it. If you happen to be a teacher, then you need to let students know if they're mistaken about something or could do it better--always being careful to keep the focus on the work and not the person  ("This assignment seems hastily done" rather than "You're sloppy"). Likewise at work, if you're a supervisor, you may need to tell someone how to do something correctly, or better. Among peers it's trickier; you may need to talk more generally about how you would do something without giving the impression of "You're doing it wrong."

But if someone has done something above and beyond, like cooking breakfast, you need to bite your tongue if it isn't perfect. To your credit, you didn't say anything negative about the burned rolls, only about the difficult clean-up.

peaches

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 869
Re: Teaching moments . . . AKA compliments with criticism.
« Reply #19 on: April 27, 2014, 06:07:51 PM »
I keep my compliments and my criticisms separate. Following a compliment with a criticism just negates the compliment in the ears of the receiver.

I agree.  If every single compliment comes with a criticism of some kind, then the receiver is never going to trust you to give a compliment

This is how I feel. It's hard to trust a compliment that comes with a sting or a barb.

People could think that the criticism was what was intended all along, but to soften the blow, a compliment was added.

Best to keep them separate.

I applaud the OP for recognizing the problem.

greencat

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2669
Re: Teaching moments . . . AKA compliments with criticism.
« Reply #20 on: April 27, 2014, 06:09:31 PM »
I was the recipient of a lot of this from my mom, and it makes you feel like nothing you do is ever quite good enough.  You give off the impression that you're never actually pleased with or proud of whatever your offspring are doing.  I know you are proud, but what you are telling them is that you are slightly dissatisfied with everything they do.

It might help, as with the pan, if you don't append the thought of "the pan needs to be soaked" or "x needs improvement" to the compliment.  With something like that pan that needs some action, ask a bit later for it to be done, without the bit where it makes it sound like she did something wrong.

With work things, where you need your subordinates to improve on something, the sandwich previous posters mentioned is the optimum method.

menley

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 681
Re: Teaching moments . . . AKA compliments with criticism.
« Reply #21 on: April 27, 2014, 06:20:51 PM »
I was the recipient of a lot of this from my mom, and it makes you feel like nothing you do is ever quite good enough.  You give off the impression that you're never actually pleased with or proud of whatever your offspring are doing.  I know you are proud, but what you are telling them is that you are slightly dissatisfied with everything they do.

It might help, as with the pan, if you don't append the thought of "the pan needs to be soaked" or "x needs improvement" to the compliment.  With something like that pan that needs some action, ask a bit later for it to be done, without the bit where it makes it sound like she did something wrong.

With work things, where you need your subordinates to improve on something, the sandwich previous posters mentioned is the optimum method.

I agree with this completely. My mom is the same way, and whenever she begins to give me a compliment, I sort of inwardly cringe, waiting for the "... but..." blow.

lollylegs

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 611
Re: Teaching moments . . . AKA compliments with criticism.
« Reply #22 on: April 27, 2014, 06:29:12 PM »
Also, the sandwich (which, if I recall properly, AskAManager disapproves of now, and which I think is now an obvious manipulation and therefore infuriating to most people) is intended to soften *necessary criticism.*

In many of these situations, that criticism isn't really necessary. So it's best left alone.

This.

Also this:

I keep my compliments and my criticisms separate. Following a compliment with a criticism just negates the compliment in the ears of the receiver.

I agree.  If every single compliment comes with a criticism of some kind, then the receiver is never going to trust you to give a compliment

This is how I feel. It's hard to trust a compliment that comes with a sting or a barb.

People could think that the criticism was what was intended all along, but to soften the blow, a compliment was added.

Best to keep them separate.

I applaud the OP for recognizing the problem.

It's great that you're thinking about how your comments might be received OP. I think now you should work really hard on breaking the habit.

Micah

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 569
Re: Teaching moments . . . AKA compliments with criticism.
« Reply #23 on: April 27, 2014, 06:33:54 PM »
My father used to do this all the time. I make sure I never, ever, ever do it to my son.  The person you do this to hears, "Thanks, but you did it wrong." After a while that person starts to wonder what point there is in even trying.

To this day, when someone compliments me I internally cringe waiting for the "but..." at the end. Your daughter saying, "Couldn't you have just stopped at thanks?" Shows quite clearly that she feels exactly this way. If you were really worried about the pan you could have brought it up completely differently, ie. "Thanks so much!" Enjoy your meal, then say, "Could you please just fill that pan with water? It'll make it much easier to scrub later."
Mulder: "So...Lunch?"
Scully: "Mulder, toads just fell from the sky!"
Mulder: "Maybe their parachutes didn't open."

lmyrs

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1151
Re: Teaching moments . . . AKA compliments with criticism.
« Reply #24 on: April 27, 2014, 06:45:52 PM »
I have read the "sandwich method" advocated for on this board many times but I have never seen it advocated for in any leadership or management training or literature and I've seen it actively advocated against in a whole lot of places. As Art said, you are really better off keeping your compliments and coaching separate in all cases - personal and professional.

If you have a subordinate that needs coaching and knows they need it, the compliment is hollow. If you've got a dud who thinks he's a rock star then they won't hear the criticism amongst all the fake niceness anyway. It really is a wholly ineffective way of communicating both praise and criticism.

OP, I think you've made a great step in realising that what you're saying is negatively impacting your daughter and I think it's great that you're really thinking about how to improve it so that they don't start to brave w for the criticism at the end of each compliment.

Dr. F.

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 945
Re: Teaching moments . . . AKA compliments with criticism.
« Reply #25 on: April 27, 2014, 06:57:20 PM »
I just realized that my previous post may have come across as really harsh. It wasn't meant to be- I really highly commend the OP for recognizing that this habit may have a negative impact - that's something my Dad never grasped. He grasped that I hated it, but I don't think he's grasped why exactly.

So, I congratulate the OP on trying to fix this habit. I'm sure her DD will appreciate the effort!

Marga

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 122
Re: Teaching moments . . . AKA compliments with criticism.
« Reply #26 on: April 27, 2014, 10:43:50 PM »
I can understand your reasoning, but, please, stop doing this. If for no other reason that it's counter-productive.
As others have remarked: people will remember the criticism and not the compliment, they will believe nothing is ever good enough for you and at some point they'll stop trying to please you.

Recently the mistress of the back-handed compliments, and the queen of *either my way or my way*, found it necessary to tell me I'm looking good, nowadays, with extra remarks of how bad I used to look before. Does that make me happy about looking good? No, it makes me angry because she criticises me, and I don't care if she's right or wrong to think like that, but I do care she feels the need to tell me. (And even if she was right, what's the use of telling me now?)

bopper

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 12478
Re: Teaching moments . . . AKA compliments with criticism.
« Reply #27 on: April 27, 2014, 11:12:19 PM »
"No good deed goes unpunished"...

I think you need to separate the Thanks! from the "but it would be even better if...."
Enjoy that your DD tried to make breakfast.  Soak the pan yourself.

Mergatroyd

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 930
Re: Teaching moments . . . AKA compliments with criticism.
« Reply #28 on: April 27, 2014, 11:20:22 PM »
If I were your daughter, I would have never touched the mop again, and you'd certainly never be getting anything baked by me again either. That kind of teaching is just teaching them they aren't good enough, no matter what they do. Possibly harsh on my part, but ask me how I know.

lollylegs

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 611
Re: Teaching moments . . . AKA compliments with criticism.
« Reply #29 on: April 28, 2014, 12:00:40 AM »
If I were your daughter, I would have never touched the mop again, and you'd certainly never be getting anything baked by me again either. That kind of teaching is just teaching them they aren't good enough, no matter what they do. Possibly harsh on my part, but ask me how I know.

See, I don't think that it's necessarily wrong to teach your children the 'right' way to do household chores, especially if they're doing it for pocket money. There's a huge divide between teaching your children to do a job properly (I don't think that leaving streaks is doing the job properly) and being such a perfectionist that they feel like nothing they ever do is right.

I don't think it's a bad thing to say, "Doing it this way leaves streaks which makes the floor look dirty. You can avoid that by xyz." But I think the sandwich method is awful because you're either ruining a compliment or disguising a criticism, which renders the whole thing meaningless.

I do agree with you about the baking part.