Wedding Bliss and Blues > Gifts, Registries and Money

Your Money is Invited, You Are Not

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Did anyone else see this letter to Miss Manners? At least the Bride-to-Be is trying to be a polite gimmie pig, but that's all I can say for her. (My comments in Red.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am troubled as to how I can formally “inform” friends of my sister about my upcoming wedding without specifically inviting them to attend the actual ceremony — just as an FYI, in hopes to receive a gift. (Money from people I know isn't enough, I also need money from people I don't know. How can I get the goods without needing to actually see them, or worse have to shell out more money at the reception?)

I know that the intent should not be only to receive a gift; (I was raised better, but I don't care) however, my sister (who is much older than I) has friends whose children are my age, and my sister has given financially to their children for several years over the course of their lives for other events, such as graduations, school fundraisers, communions, showers, etc. (My sister has been generous to them so they should be generous to me. I mean, we're practically the same person except for the fact that she does all the giving and I do all the receiving. My sister is a good person so people owe me. That's how logic works.)

I, personally, do not have a relationship with my sister’s friends, but they know of me and have met me on limited occasions. (I think I've been in the same room as these people before, that's enough for open wallets, right?) Is there a “polite” way in which to accomplish an “information only” invitation? (I'm as greedy as the people I read about on the internet, but I don't want to get shamed on facebook/reddit/at the next church brunch. How can I be a spoiled brat without being called on it?)

As an added note, the wedding is located out of state, and more than likely most of her friends may not expend the cost to attend. (See, they can't come anyway, I'm not that bad.)

GENTLE READER: Unfortunately, duty requires Miss Manners to inform you that there is such a thing as a wedding announcement, which is sent immediately after the marriage takes place, its purpose being to inform people who may (or in your case may not) be pleased simply to hear of the marriage.

Happily, duty also enables Miss Manners to keep telling people that wedding announcements, and, for that matter, invitations that are declined, do not require sending presents.

Original Letter can be found here:

The hopeful part of me really wants that letter to be fake. The realistic side of me knows it probably isn't.
Consider me sad for humanity in general.

What gets my goat is that these are her sister’s friends. If her sister has contact with them on any kind of regular basis, sister is probably going to bring up to her friends that her little sister is getting married.

Greed blinded her common sense (and I hope all those friends send cards…without money).

I almost never criticize Miss Manners, but I think she missed a true opportunity here.  In fact, her immediate mention of wedding announcements is a little misleading, even though she clarifies it to mean no presents.  But what about the incredibly greedy and entitled nature of the question?!?

OP, I think she should have used your technique and wording to respond.

Ms Manners' subtle use of the words "unfortunately" and"duty" make it clear what she thinks of the letter.


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