My husband and I as well as my sister and her boyfriend are all part of a group that frequently likes to get together for various activities at someoneís home. Invites are typically issued by email, but the genesis of the group was in a public Meet Up where anyone could join, so there may be some carry over of attitudes which explains (but does not excuse) the following.
ďAĒ issued the usual invitation to an email list of approximately 9 people, and issued a second-hand invitation to one personís girlfriend whose email he didnít have. Significant others are usually specifically invited, but in some cases they do not attend because of a lack of interest in the activity. This is the case for Bís wife. (I have met her one time in ~4 years, despite B hosting many times in their home.) Typically all RSVPs are by reply-all.
The last two invitations, B has responded for ďC and IĒ and also added her to the To: line (so he could not have missed the exclusion). C is not invited. C is not his wife. We are all pretty sure that B and C are having an affair. They have denied it in the past, but if not in the traditional (hah!) sense, he is at least spending more time with her socially than he does with his own wife, including arriving and departing in the same car to several events per week, and many overnight out of town trips (they both participate in a coed sport together). We have several divorcees in our group, so it isnít that we hold that against him, just the one foot in, one foot out approach that he seems to be taking.
Add to the above that, A, the host doesnít particularly care for C. Neither does at least half of the guest list. For most people the problem with C is that we tend to be a bit of a sarcastic lot, and C simply doesn't *get* sarcasm. This is but one example of how her personality just doesn't click with the group. There are many others. C has earned much of her reputation based on her own ďmeritsĒ, but more impactful for me, is that C took advantage of my sister financially (over $1000, perhaps as much as $3k). Their arrangement did not end on particularly friendly terms, and my sister has declined to make ďpublicĒ amongst the group the nitty gritty details of the fiasco. The extent of general knowledge is "C and Sister used to be friendly and then fell out" without any knowledge of the reasons.
The possibility of her attendance to similar things (apparently her not being invited is no guarantee!) is really uncomfortable, which makes RSVPs difficult, and when we canít manage to avoid her, she ALSO doesnít *get* when we are standoffish. (Example: Months after their falling out, C and my sister were at the same event, and C made a big show of being friendly and hugging her repeatedly, despite a somewhat chilly reception from my sister). It is very difficult to avoid her without being rude ourselves, or creating drama.
My sister is somewhat relieved that this is happening on Aís watch, honestly, because it will be up to A to decide if he will start to treat them as a social unit (SO ICKY! Heís still MARRIED!), tell B straight up to stop adding her, or stop inviting B. When we host ourselves, we have gone with the last option, no longer inviting B. Itís somewhat disappointing, because before he took up with C, he was a great addition to a guest list and I had previously looked forward to seeing him.
So, on to the questions:
When I am a guest, I donít suppose there is anything that I can say or do to make her not want to attend? For hosts who are a bit more laid back and donít invite her but also donít make it clear that sheís not invited when the above occurs, is there any way to say that she and I are on a mutually exclusive guest list? To what extent (if any) can I make my wish for her to not be seen or heard by me (she is also loud!) clear, if at all? If this were one event, I would totally just suck it up, but this represents a significant portion of our social life. I donít wish to be ďmeanĒ or the bad guy. Is that an impossible situation? Is there a tactic to be used jointly by my sister and I which could achieve these ends? (If, perhaps I were to put on my protective big-sister hat and say to hosts, without mentioning gossipy details that there was not merely a falling out, but that C had injured my sister, and she -and by extension I and our SOís- do not wish to associate with her?)