S/O: Am I being a bridezilla? (The opposite of RSVP woes!)

[Bottlecaps]

I sent out a message on Facebook about a week ago to ask people for their addresses so I could send invitations. I chose Facebook because I have the lot of my friends and family on there. (I do a horrible job of keeping track of addresses without my address book, which is still in Alabama!)

A lot of people responded, which is great. I'm making progress on the wedding planning - woohoo! The downer? A lot of people read the message and didn't respond. Facebook tells you when someone has seen a message (a feature of which I'm not always fond, but meh, not much I can do about it, hehe). I assume the best and figure they just forgot to respond, but how many times can I ask before it comes across as nagging? Other people have told me to just pick up the phone and call them. Problem? I can't remember their phone numbers either! (I know this makes it seem like I don't know these people too well. I really do know them well, but I've lost their contact details over the years and well, with Facebook making it so easy to keep in touch, I will admit I haven't done the greatest job at actively trying to keep up with the phone numbers.  ) A few of them I have other ways of getting their address (Uncle Chatterbox is going to ask a few of them for me, since he knows their numbers and talks to them fairly regularly), but some of them I really don't.

Is it wrong of me to also kind of get the feeling that if they don't provide their address, then maybe they don't really want to come? If they don't, that really is OK with me. While I would love for them to be there for our big day, I understand if they can't be there for any reason. I kind of feel like a bridezilla for having the feeling that if they don't want to give me their address, then maybe they don't want to come, and I don't feel up to chasing them down for their address. I feel so bad for thinking like that, but if someone asked me for my address for a wedding invitation, the only reason I wouldn't respond is if I didn't want to go to their wedding. I know it's not good to assume, but that's the only reason (other than it slipping their mind) that I can come up with that they wouldn't send me their address. Even if I didn't want to go or couldn't go, I'd at least give them the courtesy of letting them know that I wouldn't be able to make it so they could go on with the wedding planning, print up as many invitations and buy as many stamps as they need, and not have to fret over the situation. Is it wrong, or bridezilla-ish, or snowflakey to want that same treatment in return? Feel free to tell me if I'm out of line here!

Thank you!

[purple]

Perhaps they aren't comfortable putting their home address on Facebook.  I know that messages are "private", but honestly, I'm not sure how much I trust that!

Have you given them your phone number or email or something in the message as a way to respond?

[TootsNYC]

You said "sent out a message"--did you directly send a messages individually to each of these people?

Or did you do a group posting of some kind?

I vote for a careful, disciplined gathering of all their contact info, yes, even if it means you have to call them. Some people put their phone numbers on their Facebook profile, or their personal emails.
   Start there, and contact them one at a time. And build your address book that way.
 
And feel free to ask if they'll give you other people's addresses. Theoretically they wouldn't without permission, but lots of people ignore that little piece of etiquette, and you might as well make that work for you.

I think this goes both ways--you want people to seem eager to get the invitation, and they might want you to seem eager to gather the info. If you do something sort of "junk mail" seeming, they may not take you too seriously.
   But then again, maybe you did contact them individually.

And if you did, and they don't bother to click "reply" and type in their address, then yes, I'd think they don't want to come. Feel free to message them again and say, "Remember when I asked you for your address so I could send you a wedding invitation? I haven't seen any reply, so I thought I'd try one more time. If I don't hear back, I'll assume you don't want to come." Though that seems whiny, doesn't it? Maybe "If I don't get your address, I won't be able to address your invitation."

[Deetee]

Sometimes messages can be marked as read because a person has casually clicked on them but they have not had time to respond. This is especially true with phones.

But I do think this is a reasonable way to weed people out. My suggestion is to collect the addresses you get. Then, in two weeks resend the message to the people who haven't responded and request the addresses again and (important) say you need them by the end of the week or some specific date. Then anyone who has read the message and not responded can be assumed to not want to come.

[kudeebee]

Sometimes messages can be marked as read because a person has casually clicked on them but they have not had time to respond. This is especially true with phones.

But I do think this is a reasonable way to weed people out. My suggestion is to collect the addresses you get. Then, in two weeks resend the message to the people who haven't responded and request the addresses again and (important) say you need them by the end of the week or some specific date. Then anyone who has read the message and not responded can be assumed to not want to come.

I agree with this post. 
Also, have you tried using whitepages.com?  You can probably get many of the addresses from that site.

[kareng57]

A week really isn't that long.  Of course your wedding is top-priority for you, but that doesn't mean that it is for your prospective guests.  I'd give it at least two weeks before you decide that people are not interested in attending.

But perhaps many of your invitees are as low-tech as I am.  They might not feel comfortable giving out addresses on Facebook and even at this time they might be trying to figure out an alternate way to get the info to you.  Also - it's possible that some of them only check out Facebook infrequently - like me.

[Runningstar]

Bottlecaps, you are not being a bridezilla.  If I saw that on facebook, I would probably not send you my address unless I really knew that I'd be on the invitation list.  Even if we were friends, I just wouldn't assume that you would have room.  If I received a private message from you asking for it, then I would give it to you. 

[Kaymar]

Sometimes those messages show that they have been "read" when they merely flashed on someone's phone.  I hope that you sent individual messages to each person - if so, it will be easy to follow up in another week.  If you sent one group message, then I would suggest waiting a week and then sending individual messages to each person so they feel personally asked by you for their address.

[Margo]

I don't think you are being bridezilla, but (for the reasons others have given) don't think theyare being unreasonable either. I'd give it another week, then send individual , Private messages to those who haven't replied, saying 'sorry to chse you but I don't have your address or phone number. Could you let me have your address so I can send you your wedding invitation? If you'd prefer not to send it via Facebook my e-mail address is [address]"

I would not necessarily be comfortable sending my address in response to a group mail as all members of the group would see it, and I'd prefer to send a personal email than a PM.

Also - sly question but have you double-checked you 'other'inbox on Facebook?

[menley]

Bottlecaps, you are not being a bridezilla.  If I saw that on facebook, I would probably not send you my address unless I really knew that I'd be on the invitation list.  Even if we were friends, I just wouldn't assume that you would have room.  If I received a private message from you asking for it, then I would give it to you.

It sounds like she did send a private message, though, as she says she can see that they've read it. As I understand it, that feature is only available on private messages.

[shhh its me]

   ITs so easy............ to half read a FB private message , leave FB logging and your SO/kids/cat "read" the message, not read and just click the box to make the alert go away , FB to lose a message  , decide to reply back later and forget.   *Since you know they saw it I'm assuming its via pm*  FB is such dodgy* way to communicate I think you're best bet would be to ask those who haven't responded while you're in a conversation. I know your on FB only communication I mean PM them right after they like your post and engage them in a PM conversation. The other thing I would do is try to get their phone numbers/address via other sources. ie goole them ask a relative/friend.

Dodgy* I mean both it easy for things to go wrong..... for a message to get misdirected or not be read,read at a bad time to reply. And its informal enough thats its easy to ignore and/or forget about.

[Kaymar]

Bottlecaps, you are not being a bridezilla.  If I saw that on facebook, I would probably not send you my address unless I really knew that I'd be on the invitation list.  Even if we were friends, I just wouldn't assume that you would have room.  If I received a private message from you asking for it, then I would give it to you.

It sounds like she did send a private message, though, as she says she can see that they've read it. As I understand it, that feature is only available on private messages.

But it could be (though hopefully isn't) a "private" group message - sending a message to a group of people at the same time.  Those messages do show who has read it, but I've seen conversations I'm in where it says "everyone" has read the message but I have not, in fact, read the message.  This is one of many reasons why sending individual messages to each person is a better path if you're only interested in FB options.  OP, if you sent individual messages, then I'd say look at their FB profiles and see if email addresses or phone numbers are listed.

[shhh its me]

Bottlecaps, you are not being a bridezilla.  If I saw that on facebook, I would probably not send you my address unless I really knew that I'd be on the invitation list.  Even if we were friends, I just wouldn't assume that you would have room.  If I received a private message from you asking for it, then I would give it to you.

It sounds like she did send a private message, though, as she says she can see that they've read it. As I understand it, that feature is only available on private messages.

But it could be (though hopefully isn't) a "private" group message - sending a message to a group of people at the same time.  Those messages do show who has read it, but I've seen conversations I'm in where it says "everyone" has read the message but I have not, in fact, read the message.  This is one of many reasons why sending individual messages to each person is a better path if you're only interested in FB options.  OP, if you sent individual messages, then I'd say look at their FB profiles and see if email addresses or phone numbers are listed.

I didn't even think about private groups....that adds a whole another level of "well Bottlecaps has my address this must of been meant for other person in group."

[Bottlecaps]

Perhaps they aren't comfortable putting their home address on Facebook.  I know that messages are "private", but honestly, I'm not sure how much I trust that!

Have you given them your phone number or email or something in the message as a way to respond?

I gave them my email address just for that. I said in the message that they could email me with their address, for privacy reasons, and there was actually only one person who chose to send their info to the whole group - everyone else emailed me. (Which was definitely good, as it's helping me keep the info a little more organized!)

It was one of those group messages - it's a PM, but it goes to however many people you add to the conversation. I think I will take a look at their individual pages and see if I can gather addresses, or other contact info that I can use to get an address, that way. I also like the whitepages.com idea - I didn't even think of that!

I think I will try to track down their phone numbers or addresses via other means, and as for the ones I can't get through other people, the white pages, etc., I will resend them a message with a deadline for the middle of May (since I plan having them finished and ready to print by the end of May, and sending them out mid-to-late June).

Thanks to everyone who responded for all the good advice! I appreciate it!

[TootsNYC]

It was one of those group messages - it's a PM, but it goes to however many people you add to the conversation. I think I will take a look at their individual pages and see if I can gather addresses, or other contact info that I can use to get an address, that way. I also like the whitepages.com idea - I didn't even think of that!

Don't forget to try the non-group Facebook ways of getting ahold of people. Send one-on-one chats or individual PMs. I think when people see group stuff, they think "junk mail."