Author Topic: Declining a visit?  (Read 5130 times)

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TootsNYC

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Re: Declining a visit?
« Reply #15 on: June 19, 2014, 05:09:57 PM »
. I agree that I antagonized her regarding the DH comment though.

First, I have to apologize--I missed the whole DH thing.



Second, I don't think you antagonized her.


However, I might say that if you bring your DH into every conversation, even just a joke about stealing her Starbucks rewards card, she may feel annoyed about it. Like you aren't even "you" anymore. It might be part of the mix. Not necessarily something you need to apologize for, but if you value the friendship, it might help you to observe your own convos, activities, etc.



But otherwise, yeah, she sounds really tiring.

If you like her, etc., it might be worth sitting down and saying, "I don't think you realize how you sound, and what the communication pattern has become. I don't even feel safe around you anymore; I can't talk about what's going on in my head or heart, or in my home, because I just get barbs back in return. What's up?"

But I also might just start fading out because it sounds like she's been this way for a while, so I'd find it easier to be really busy.

Don't you need to do some living room renovations, or something, so you can't have company?

Also, maybe don't say you have plans, just stick with "This isn't a good weekend for company, sorry." And never say why.

weeblewobble

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Re: Declining a visit?
« Reply #16 on: June 19, 2014, 06:37:27 PM »
A friend of my sister's also has a "harsh" personality that often comes across as rude and abrasive.  A couple of her Facebook comments (generally directed at my profession being "lame" and "lowbrow") have made me really angry. Sis tells me that's just the way she is, but I de-friended her. Life is too short. But if you don't think you could do that without causing family problems, just adjust your privacy settings so she can't see you.

LEMon

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Re: Declining a visit?
« Reply #17 on: June 19, 2014, 09:00:48 PM »
I would be more direct that this time does not work.  She needs to understand you are not available right now because you do need a breather.

Have you talked about how things she says can irritate you?  If not, please remember she has no clue (unless you have given her a very direct one) that the way she talks bothers you.

I can totally picture someone only thinking of how they think and not having any idea that their comments come across as a rejection of the other person's way of life.  She may just be truly thinking, "I don't like x", not "you are (negative thought) for doing x".  Plus not having the introspection to understand that her life doesn't echo her words.

Mister E

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Re: Declining a visit?
« Reply #18 on: June 19, 2014, 11:45:38 PM »
No you aren't overreacting, Mary sounds annoying. But I don't know how you should word that you don't want her visiting so often because I bet she's likely to pick up on the fact that you don't want her company (Although I think you're justified in that) and she'll probably be upset. Hopefully other people will have better advice on how to talk to her about it. Because I'd likely tell her I didn't appreciate her criticism of my life and it's really none of her business, and that's not helpful either. Maybe just be busy a lot when she asks if she can visit and don't reply to any comments she makes about you on Facebook.

Ed.

lollylegs

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Re: Declining a visit?
« Reply #19 on: June 20, 2014, 03:00:32 AM »
Maybe the lady doth protest to much?

Well put. I was thinking the same thing (only not in those words). She wishes she had a husband to tell her those things or she wishes she had the "domesticated life" but since she doesn't, she acts as if she's glad about it. At least, that's been my experience when people make those kinds of comments.

Tell her the kids are keeping you very busy these days and that having overnight visitors is off the table for the foreseeable future.

I think this is unnecessary - you could equally say that the OP is getting so annoyed because she misses her carefree single life.

OP, I went through something very similar, right down to it being a cousin I used to be very close with, so I might be way off base here but I thought I'd post from my experience. I think you should look back and see if she's always been like this and, if so, has it bothered you in the past or is it just when it relates to your children and husband? My cousin and I were always pretty blunt with each other and that was fine when it was regarding music or our favourite type of soft drink, but when she started making those types of snarky comments about my son, I was really hurt. So I talked to her about it and she was genuinely surprised, she didn't realise that she was being hurtful. Once I'd pointed it out, she never did it again and our relationship went back to normal. So you might want to talk to her about that.

Or not. I've veered right away from your original question and of course you don't have to talk to your cousin or have her over if you don't want to. I just wanted to point out that there may be a possibility that the relationship can be salvaged, if that's something you'd like.

Alicia

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Re: Declining a visit?
« Reply #20 on: June 20, 2014, 07:26:50 AM »
Go ahead and decline the visit.
But I think you are overreacting and being a bit over judging.  You were being very domestic and sometimes married with kids people don't consider how different it is compaired to a single life and if you are leaving your visitor alone while doing bath time for kids yes a comment on how domestic this is is probably not ill meant. Your comments about how your routine makes me wonder if you were previously making judgemental being a mom and married is better then being single comments too.

You threw DH under the bus and were judgmental about her spending money on coffee first and begged her for money all at once. ( a gold starbucks card is only 30 coffee a year and then you get one free every 12 but you have to add your own money to it)  But you basically insulted her for spending her money and told her she should spend it on you all at once.

If this is the worst aspect of your friendship with her then I think you are so close friends that you should relax and look at the bright side.

3grey

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Re: Declining a visit?
« Reply #21 on: June 20, 2014, 08:00:21 AM »

Personally, I'd still be ticked about the reference to my parents as "sheep".   It sounds more like a whole series of smallish things, that sort of add up to not right now.   I'd just start distancing a bit.

3grey

amylouky

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Re: Declining a visit?
« Reply #22 on: June 20, 2014, 10:23:44 AM »
Honestly, I do think you were too sensitive about the Starbucks comments. I think that you started it by asking for the card.. which I do think is pushy (even if you were joking) ang probably put her on the spot. I think her vulture comment was an attempt to be lighthearted about it, but your response was over the top, sounds defensive, and you did put DH up as a target. I think that her comment on that thread was a joking response to your comment, but you took it seriously because you've been feeling judged for your choices because of her other comments.

I do think the "domestic" comments would be annoying and sound judgy, but it's not something that I'd cut someone I'm that close to off for. I think if it's to the point where the comments have made you not want to be around her, then you need to have a mature conversation about it with her, and just explain that although the choices you have made in your life are different than hers, you are happy and need for her to respect that.

Lynn2000

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Re: Declining a visit?
« Reply #23 on: June 20, 2014, 10:45:26 AM »
It does sound like you've grown apart a bit. If you're feeling annoyed with her right now, there's no need for her to visit--you can just tell her, "Oh, sorry, we aren't available on those dates." Or, "Eh, sorry, that's not really a good time for us." I can certainly understand how a visit of several days might be too much togetherness at this point.

It sounds like this has been a good relationship in the past, though, so maybe you want to think about salvaging it. Maybe if you were to visit her at her home, or if just the two of you met in a third location, the old Mary that you liked would come out again. Then if the vibe was good, you could broach the subject with her. "You surely don't mean it this way, but sometimes when you make comments about me being 'domestic' I feel like you're putting down something that's really important to me, my husband and kids and the life we have. And it makes me sad that I can't talk to you about those things, for fear of what you'll say."

And maybe she will apologize and indicate she had no clue and make an effort to stop. Or maybe she will get defensive and angry. Or maybe she will tell you something important that you didn't realize, about yourself and how she perceives you, or about herself and her feelings. If it turns out there are resentments that have built up, maybe you could say something like, "How about from now on, if one person says something that hurts the other, we'll mention it right away." Maybe you could even have a "code word" or phrase that hearkens back to this conversation. So the next time she says something that insults you--about your parents being "sheep" or your kids being too much trouble--you could say, "Hey, that was hurtful," and just get it out there right away.

At the moment, from your description, she sounds a bit immature, and like she doesn't really think about the effect her words and actions have on other people. I mean, calling someone's own parents "sheep"? That's not cool. So it might really help both of you to say something in the moment--you will get your irritation addressed, and she will gain a greater understanding of what's acceptable and what isn't. And it could work in reverse as well.
~Lynn2000

takeheart

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Re: Declining a visit?
« Reply #24 on: June 20, 2014, 11:04:44 AM »
I'm not wanting to give her a direct cut or even a fade away to end our friendship; I just want to decline some of her future visits because she does visit often, especially for someone who is 5 hours away. I equate it to any situation where too much of a good thing can be a bad thing.

I do feel as if we've grown apart since our lifestyles are very different than it was 4 years ago. I still don't appreciate her comments, which I feel are unnecessary.

Quote
I can totally picture someone only thinking of how they think and not having any idea that their comments come across as a rejection of the other person's way of life.  She may just be truly thinking, "I don't like x", not "you are (negative thought) for doing x".  Plus not having the introspection to understand that her life doesn't echo her words.

I think that's the case. She doesn't realize that her commentary comes off as rather harsh and sometimes hurtful. Even at my bachelorette party, she said to a friend of mine, "What? You don't like sushi? What's wrong with you?!" The friend pulled me aside and said she didn't appreciate what Mary said. When I think about it, she's always been like that. I think it just became harder to brush off.

It does sound like you've grown apart a bit. If you're feeling annoyed with her right now, there's no need for her to visit--you can just tell her, "Oh, sorry, we aren't available on those dates." Or, "Eh, sorry, that's not really a good time for us." I can certainly understand how a visit of several days might be too much togetherness at this point.

It sounds like this has been a good relationship in the past, though, so maybe you want to think about salvaging it. Maybe if you were to visit her at her home, or if just the two of you met in a third location, the old Mary that you liked would come out again. Then if the vibe was good, you could broach the subject with her. "You surely don't mean it this way, but sometimes when you make comments about me being 'domestic' I feel like you're putting down something that's really important to me, my husband and kids and the life we have. And it makes me sad that I can't talk to you about those things, for fear of what you'll say."

And maybe she will apologize and indicate she had no clue and make an effort to stop. Or maybe she will get defensive and angry. Or maybe she will tell you something important that you didn't realize, about yourself and how she perceives you, or about herself and her feelings. If it turns out there are resentments that have built up, maybe you could say something like, "How about from now on, if one person says something that hurts the other, we'll mention it right away." Maybe you could even have a "code word" or phrase that hearkens back to this conversation. So the next time she says something that insults you--about your parents being "sheep" or your kids being too much trouble--you could say, "Hey, that was hurtful," and just get it out there right away.

At the moment, from your description, she sounds a bit immature, and like she doesn't really think about the effect her words and actions have on other people. I mean, calling someone's own parents "sheep"? That's not cool. So it might really help both of you to say something in the moment--you will get your irritation addressed, and she will gain a greater understanding of what's acceptable and what isn't. And it could work in reverse as well.

This sounds like a good idea!

TootsNYC

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Re: Declining a visit?
« Reply #25 on: June 20, 2014, 11:26:32 AM »
. . . My cousin and I were always pretty blunt with each other and that was fine when it was regarding music or our favourite type of soft drink, but when she started making those types of snarky comments about my son, I was really hurt.

I think this is really a good point! I know I brush things off when it's me, but not when it's my husband or son.

And it's OK to tease me snarkily about my penguin habit, or the fact that I like pink Quik.

But to do so about something far closer to my heart--the fact that I'm married, the fact that I'm a mom, or the people in my family--that's not something I can brush off.


Love this:

"You surely don't mean it this way, but sometimes when you make comments about me being 'domestic' I feel like you're putting down something that's really important to me, my husband and kids and the life we have. And it makes me sad that I can't talk to you about those things, for fear of what you'll say."


And i agree with this:
Quote
At the moment, from your description, she sounds a bit immature, and like she doesn't really think about the effect her words and actions have on other people. I mean, calling someone's own parents "sheep"? That's not cool. So it might really help both of you to say something in the moment--you will get your irritation addressed, and she will gain a greater understanding of what's acceptable and what isn't. And it could work in reverse as well.

bopper

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Re: Declining a visit?
« Reply #26 on: June 24, 2014, 09:27:12 AM »
"Really? You want to visit again? I got the impression that you didn't enjoy your visit last time. All the comments about be domesticated and what not and how you prefer the single life."