Author Topic: "You must really think I'm stupid . . . Update page 3, #42"  (Read 14934 times)

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LETitbe

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Re: "You must really think I'm stupid . . . "
« Reply #15 on: April 30, 2014, 08:58:30 PM »
I don't think what you said was offensive. I've never seen those, and would have no clue whether or not I could turn the stove top on while they sat there.

That said, I'm wondering if maybe she just feels like your instructions tend to be overly basic? Or maybe she's just having a bit of trouble adjusting to the role reversal (i.e. Child as the head of household, rather than being the head of household herself)? I would think there's probably some underlying reason that she might feel that way about a comment that seems pretty benign, so it's worth considering.

TootsNYC

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Re: "You must really think I'm stupid . . . "
« Reply #16 on: April 30, 2014, 09:08:14 PM »
Considering how many perfectly intelligent adults I've known have melted, scorched, burned out their kitchen with those things, I think you're in the clear.

My own Nana destroyed several of those covers over the years, just by forgetting to take them off or putting them on again before the coils had cooled enough. It happens.

Want to make a bet that your mom does the same thing as Dazi's nana? I'll put a nickel on it....  ;)

If that happens, I refuse to say even word one!   :)

You have to tell *us*, though, right? I promise to chuckle at her lovingly.

I was thinking about this--as people get older, they often find that others speak to them as if they're stupid.

My mother noticed this. She'd gotten very gray, and was suddenly realizing that all her coworkers were speaking to her a little more slowly and loudly. They were carefully explaining to her stuff that she knew (heck, she'd trained some of them!). So she went and colored her hair, and it stopped.
   She said, "If you told those people what they were doing, they've had been so surprised. They had no idea that some automatic subroutine in their heads was telling them, 'This is a little old lady, and so she's kinda stupid.' "

Add to that the fact that your mother is not the mistress of the house anymore, and that you are the one issuing the "here's how things work" comments, and she may really be feeling talked down to by the world.

So maybe be alert to those sorts of things, and see if they're heightening your mom's sense of being treating like an idiot, or like a child.

GratefulMaria

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Re: "You must really think I'm stupid . . . "
« Reply #17 on: April 30, 2014, 09:14:13 PM »
OP again.  I do think her response, as PPs mentioned, speaks to what she understandably doesn't like about her living situation.  What I really needed to find out was whether I was just using that to define what I said as innocuous and lay it all at her feelings about aging, role reversal, and so on.

Thank you for the helpful phrasing suggestions; a couple of you gave me great ideas for framing things in the future.

LifeOnPluto

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Re: "You must really think I'm stupid . . . "
« Reply #18 on: April 30, 2014, 11:15:42 PM »
I agree that you weren't rude, and I'm sorry your mum took it badly.

As for how to respond, I'd suggest giving her a hug and saying in a cheerful, reassuring voice "I don't think that at all, mum."

rain

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Re: "You must really think I'm stupid . . . "
« Reply #19 on: April 30, 2014, 11:34:08 PM »
 :-[  I'm someone who would need to be told ... I've always thought they were covered you were supposed to leave on (can you tell I've never had any, nor did my mom)
"oh we thank thee lord for the things we need, like the wind and the rain and the apple seed"

JoieGirl7

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Re: "You must really think I'm stupid . . . "
« Reply #20 on: May 01, 2014, 01:18:32 AM »
I think the safe thing to do is make it more general.

A response to what she said might be:
"No, I don't think you're stupid at all- those covers look like they are designed to take the heat like a pan.  I'd think I could cook on them if I didn't just buy them and see the warning on the box."

Because it would seem to me that the reason you said something is because anyone might think you could cook on them, not just her.

Cuddlepie

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Re: "You must really think I'm stupid . . . "
« Reply #21 on: May 01, 2014, 03:00:58 AM »
I think the safe thing to do is make it more general.

A response to what she said might be:
"No, I don't think you're stupid at all- those covers look like they are designed to take the heat like a pan.  I'd think I could cook on them if I didn't just buy them and see the warning on the box."

Because it would seem to me that the reason you said something is because anyone might think you could cook on them, not just her.

My mother was one to always take offense at anything she considered advice.  The times I phrased things in this way so not to hurt her feelings she would turn around and say something like, "well, aren't you stupid then." 

I could never do anything right.  :(.   (Pity party now over!)

Winterlight

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Re: "You must really think I'm stupid . . . "
« Reply #22 on: May 01, 2014, 09:02:07 AM »
Considering how many perfectly intelligent adults I've known have melted, scorched, burned out their kitchen with those things, I think you're in the clear.

My own Nana destroyed several of those covers over the years, just by forgetting to take them off or putting them on again before the coils had cooled enough. It happens.

Yep.

And it can be as simple as accidentally turning on the wrong burner- which is part of why I don't use them, because I would!
If wisdom’s ways you wisely seek,
Five things observe with care,
To whom you speak,
Of whom you speak,
And how, and when, and where.
Caroline Lake Ingalls

bopper

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Re: "You must really think I'm stupid . . . "
« Reply #23 on: May 01, 2014, 09:40:25 AM »
"Well I would rather get yelled at for telling you something obvious, rather than having at kitchen fire and you yelling at me for not telling you about the covers."

LB

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Re: "You must really think I'm stupid . . . "
« Reply #24 on: May 01, 2014, 09:52:40 AM »
I honestly can see both sides here. My H often gives me basic instructions or reminders for things I already know. It can be annoying and it does make you wonder if the person really thinks you need to hear things that are fairly common sense. When he tells me things like "Make sure you roll up the hose before you mow the lawn." it can make me wonder what he thinks of my basic intelligence.

However, if this is not something you do often to your mother, I think she was overreacting just a bit. A new thing in the house that requires safe handling. It's a good idea everyone knows that.

Since she waited awhile to bring it up, it seems she was thinking about it for awhile. Was she having a bad day? Prickly about something else?

BeagleMommy

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Re: "You must really think I'm stupid . . . "
« Reply #25 on: May 01, 2014, 12:17:26 PM »
I think this was perfectly innocuous on your part.

My own mother set her stove in her first apartment on fire because she put paper bags in the broiler.  Her mother's stove had a storage drawer under the oven and she assumed the apartment stove was the same.

I'm nowhere near an old lady, but my DH reminds me every night to lock the doors and turn out the lights.  I've been doing it for the 15 years we've lived in this house, but oh well.

m2kbug

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Re: "You must really think I'm stupid . . . "
« Reply #26 on: May 01, 2014, 12:58:34 PM »
I don't think you were rude and I think it was perfectly valid to pass on this type of instruction or information.  I'm sure you've been on the receiving end of instruction like this, something that should just be common sense, but it doesn't necessarily feel good when you're on the receiving end of it.  You really don't know what other people know, and if if someone doesn't know to take the thingies off the burner, they could destroy a considerable amount of money and damage the stove in the process.  It's not a cheap mistake. 

There really is no easy way to maneuver around this, and I guess tone of voice or how you word it can make a difference.  It doesn't sound like you were being condescending.  Maybe something like "You probably already know this, but..."  It sounds like you were thinking out loud more than you were directing your mother, and I don't really see how you could change anything, other than not speaking at all.  It just came out.  I don't think you erred in any way.

TootsNYC

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Re: "You must really think I'm stupid . . . "
« Reply #27 on: May 01, 2014, 01:14:43 PM »
Maybe something like "You probably already know this, but..."  It sounds like you were thinking out loud more than you were directing your mother, and I don't really see how you could change anything, other than not speaking at all.  It just came out.  I don't think you erred in any way.

"Of course you know that we're not supposed to..."
"The manufacturer made a point to mention on the packaging that..."

(that's me, Monday Morning Quarterbacking again! Hike!)

Miss Understood

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Re: "You must really think I'm stupid . . . "
« Reply #28 on: May 01, 2014, 06:19:54 PM »
Maybe in a similar situation you could say something like "Can you believe the manufacturer felt the need to put this on the box?  There must be people our there who have left them on!"  That way you get the message across without implying that she might be one of those people. 

zyrs

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Re: "You must really think I'm stupid . . . "
« Reply #29 on: May 01, 2014, 06:40:15 PM »
Burned up my mother's new burner covers <- yes, I did that because I wasn't thinking, but even if I had been I would wonder why something you could burn up would be on the stove.

No, you weren't being rude and yes, it's good you mentioned it.