What else can I do?-semi rant

[HushHush]

My ex-husband (and son's father) lost his job last month.  He's gotten another on as a night security for a storage facility that was supposed to come with an apartment.  However, the apartment is not livable at this time and will not be ready for about another week.  So, because he gave up his previous apartment, he's been sleeping on a cot in one of the storage units.  He has a car but when he picked up our son for his visitation (only during the day, nothing overnight until he has a place to stay), he had taken the bus all the way across town-at least two hours.  He wasn't upset when he had to wait to pick up DS for over an hour because he was early and he wasn't upset that I forgot to send a jacket with DS so he could only keep him outside for a short amount of time.

I've told my ex he should talk to the employment specialist in my office.  I've given suggestions for jobs and places he can go for temporary help.  We've invited him in for dinner when he's picked up DS.  I'm suspicious that his car has been impounded and he doesn't want to say anything because normally, he would have been furious about the jacket and accused me of purposely trying to shorten the time he would get to spend with DS.  I saw him walking to the bus stop after he dropped DS off at my parents house and offered him a ride to the bus stop as the nearest one is about a mile away.  He refused.

Regardless of our problems, I want to help him get back on his feet mostly for our DS's sake.  Other than the resources I've suggested and leads on jobs through the state (I work for the state in the welfare division so I deal with this all the time), is there anything else I should do?  Or should I butt out and as long as our DS is okay, deal with the fact that his father has no desire to do more than work $8/hr jobs?

Charlotte

[Chocolate Cake]

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

It sounds like you've already done all you can for him.  It's up to him, and him alone, to take the initiative to follow-through.

[guihong]

I'd say, as long as DS is okay, and you are getting child support, it's his job to better himself.  He's an adult and can take care of himself.  It isn't your problem.  

Now, if he isn't paying his support, that's a different story, and you'd have to deal with that.

gui

[AdakAK]

Regardless of our problems, I want to help him get back on his feet mostly for our DS's sake.  Other than the resources I've suggested and leads on jobs through the state (I work for the state in the welfare division so I deal with this all the time), is there anything else I should do?  Or should I butt out and as long as our DS is okay, deal with the fact that his father has no desire to do more than work $8/hr jobs?

Charlotte

You can't do anything more.  We are in a similar position with my sister.  I am not depending on her for child support, so it was probably much easier, but I have just had to let it go.  You can't make them want more and until they want it, it won't happen in my experiance.

Susan

[fklwmn]

I agree witht he previous posters, but it's sad b/c if he WOULD better himself it would make for a better life for your DS. But you can't force someone to be the kind of person you think they shuold be, and you'll just make yourself crazy if you try.

I think it was great of you to offer what help you already have.

[Evil Duckie]

There is nothing you can do.

As long as he makes his child support payments and has safe visits with your son say nothing. While it would be nice if he made a better life for himself there is nothing you can do or say.

[goblue2539]

I'm going to go slightly OT to address something.  You didn't ask, so you may do with this what you wish.  The only thing I would ask, as the daughter of a do-nothing, complain about everything father, is that you do everything in your power to NOT say anything bad about your ex to your son.  The best, and probably hardest, thing my mother did was let me find out for myself what kind of person my father is. 

[fklwmn]

I'm going to go slightly OT to address something.  You didn't ask, so you may do with this what you wish.  The only thing I would ask, as the daughter of a do-nothing, complain about everything father, is that you do everything in your power to NOT say anything bad about your ex to your son.  The best, and probably hardest, thing my mother did was let me find out for myself what kind of person my father is. 

I wholeheartedly agree witht his. VERY hard though since DS1 is in a "worship dad" phase and since dad's house is the 'fun' place he thinks dad is the best person in the world. Personally I will cross my fingers that he NEVER hears that his dad tells everyone in town how he wished my son had never been born, and that his youngest son is his favorite. But eventually I'm sure he'll figure it out

[Alida]

As long as DS isn't in any danger and you're receiving what you should be, let it go.  He has to want to improve his situation for himself and for your son's sake, but unless he himself is motivated to it, any effort on your part may be wasted.

[HushHush]

I'm very careful about what I say about DS's father when he's around.  He'll learn soon enough that dad isn't that great.  He's only four and will ask what the no smoking sign means.  I tell him that we think smoking is icky and he mentions that his dad smokes (only outside.  He did that before we were married).  He already sees the little differences in our households.

The child support and visitation are completely different issues.  I can't deny visitation because he hasn't paid child support this month and still owes for half of last month.  Too bad.  Maybe if he ability to see his child were in proportion to how much he pays in support, he'd be more interested in getting a better job...

Charlotte

[dietcokeofevil]

It sounds like he wants to do things on his own without any help.  While it can be frustrating, there's nothing you can do.  If you keep bringing it up, it could cause a lot of resentment.  Looking at the positive side, it's admirable that he will ride a bus uncomplainingly for 2 hours to see his child.  A lot of men won't even do that.

[Irish Clovers]

I speak from experience when I say this.......DON'T DO ANYTHING!!!  Really.  It's not your problem.  If he doesn't have the drive to do something better with his life, there isn't anything you can do.

*sigh*  I hate to admit this but I will.

When my ex and I divorced, he was supposed to pay child support.  Not much but every little bit helped.  Then he knocked up a stripper and ended up marrying her.  I felt sorry for them and went to court to "cancel" his automatically deducted child support payments because he couldn't take care of the now 2 (yes two) kids he had with this woman.  My parents were helping me with my daughter and I had a steady job so I wanted to "help".  BIG MISTAKE.  He took full advantage of it and never did anything for my daughter ever again.  I never said anything bad about him to her and she eventually figured it out for herself what a P*&ic he is and it's his loss.

Sorry you have to put up with this but MAKE HIM KEEP UP ON THE CHILD SUPPORT.  Please, just worry about your son.

[ettacat]

I speak from experience when I say this.......DON'T DO ANYTHING!!!  Really.  It's not your problem.  If he doesn't have the drive to do something better with his life, there isn't anything you can do.

*sigh*  I hate to admit this but I will.

When my ex and I divorced, he was supposed to pay child support.  Not much but every little bit helped.  Then he knocked up a stripper and ended up marrying her.  I felt sorry for them and went to court to "cancel" his automatically deducted child support payments because he couldn't take care of the now 2 (yes two) kids he had with this woman.  My parents were helping me with my daughter and I had a steady job so I wanted to "help".  BIG MISTAKE.  He took full advantage of it and never did anything for my daughter ever again.  I never said anything bad about him to her and she eventually figured it out for herself what a P*&ic he is and it's his loss.

Sorry you have to put up with this but MAKE HIM KEEP UP ON THE CHILD SUPPORT.  Please, just worry about your son.

You are really a nice person. Me, I would have considered his new girl and new babies to be HIS and HER problem. His obligation to our child would be first. Selfish and possibly rude? Maybe. But, I get so tired of hearing these stories about men who leave and make new families and then don't want to take care of the FIRST family they helped to create.

I think you are terrific, though. I am just sorry he took advantage of it.

[fklwmn]

I speak from experience when I say this.......DON'T DO ANYTHING!!!  Really.  It's not your problem.  If he doesn't have the drive to do something better with his life, there isn't anything you can do.

*sigh*  I hate to admit this but I will.

When my ex and I divorced, he was supposed to pay child support.  Not much but every little bit helped.  Then he knocked up a stripper and ended up marrying her.  I felt sorry for them and went to court to "cancel" his automatically deducted child support payments because he couldn't take care of the now 2 (yes two) kids he had with this woman.  My parents were helping me with my daughter and I had a steady job so I wanted to "help".  BIG MISTAKE.  He took full advantage of it and never did anything for my daughter ever again.  I never said anything bad about him to her and she eventually figured it out for herself what a P*&ic he is and it's his loss.

Sorry you have to put up with this but MAKE HIM KEEP UP ON THE CHILD SUPPORT.  Please, just worry about your son.

Ha! Not rude... responsible. Responsible for YOUR child, not his other ones. The other ones are HIS (and HER) responsibility and they knew he had a child support obligation to your child going in.




You are really a nice person. Me, I would have considered his new girl and new babies to be HIS and HER problem. His obligation to our child would be first. Selfish and possibly rude? Maybe. But, I get so tired of hearing these stories about men who leave and make new families and then don't want to take care of the FIRST family they helped to create.

I think you are terrific, though. I am just sorry he took advantage of it.

[LadyDyani]

I dunno.  He found another job, he's waiting for a place to stay, he's still seeing his son.  If he were really trying to get out of his responsibilities, he could just quit his current job whenever child support catches up with him.  It sounds like he's trying, but that pride is preventing him from accepting advice or handouts.  I'd wait a few months to see if he's trying to catch up on his child support before judging him too harshly.