Author Topic: pick up at the door or not?  (Read 3324 times)

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marcel

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pick up at the door or not?
« on: May 04, 2014, 09:31:35 AM »
Hi, just this afternoon an interesting issue came up with my roommate. She has moved to The Netherlands just 3 weeks ago from a completely different country (former soviet union,) with different dating/etiquette rules etc, and I was wondering what the people at Ehell would say about her issue.

She has been in contact with a man through an internet site. He has been trying to meet up IRL. Today she wanted to go to an event in another city, so she invited him to meet her there, to which he suggestd going by his car, which she accepted. She then gave him our address so he could pick her up (which is perfectly fine by me)

The issue came when he came to pick her up. He walked to the door and rang the doorbell, to pick her up. She opened, then asked him to wait a minute outside while she got her stuff together. While she grabbed her bag, she made it clear to me that she thought he was weird for coming to the door. Why didn't he just call her when he was in the street, so she could come out to meet him.

I said, you gave him the address. If I get an address, I would go to the door to pick up a date as well. If you do not want him to pick you up at the door, give him the street only and ask him to call when he is there. I am also pretty much convinced that Dutch women would see you in a very bad light if you just called from the car when you come to pick them up instead of walking to the door. They would probably consider you a lazy bum who should get off his seat and walk the few steps to the door.

Off course, now I am curious about the international (female) perspective to this (will ask some female Dutch friends about this as well.)

When your date comes to pick you up for a first date and he has both your telephone number and your address, where the house is easy to find and reach etc. Do you expect your date to come to the door to pick you up, or do you expect him to call you, so you can come out to the car?
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sammycat

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Re: pick up at the door or not?
« Reply #1 on: May 04, 2014, 09:34:37 AM »
Australia here.

I'd most definitely expect him to come to the door, and vice versa if I was the one driving my car to his house.

Dorrie78

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Re: pick up at the door or not?
« Reply #2 on: May 04, 2014, 09:37:02 AM »
2 issues that I see here. First and most importantly, I would never ever ever arrange a first in- person meeting with a stranger at my home. OP, you should not be okay with the fact that a relative stranger was given your address! They should definitely meet at a neutral site!

Putting  that aside, if my date is picking me up at my home, I expect him to come to the door and not honk from outside. The exception to that would be a longtime boyfriend and he is running late and we are on a schedule, it wouldn't bother me if he called me when almost there and I met him outside to save time.

marcel

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Re: pick up at the door or not?
« Reply #3 on: May 04, 2014, 09:42:34 AM »
2 issues that I see here. First and most importantly, I would never ever ever arrange a first in- person meeting with a stranger at my home. OP, you should not be okay with the fact that a relative stranger was given your address! They should definitely meet at a neutral site!
I just want to repond to this before other chime in. In the 3 weeks this woman has been at my place, she has seen one house concert where the first 8 people to arrive were people I had never before met in my life and two parties during the biggest holiday of the year where complete or almost complete strangers were invited to join the festivities.

If you move into a house like this, you know that you can invite people to the door without the landlord complaining ;)
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shhh its me

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Re: pick up at the door or not?
« Reply #4 on: May 04, 2014, 09:49:11 AM »
US here.  Unless specifically told "Call and I'll met you on the street" I'd expect him to come to the door or it was a highrise with dozens/hundreds of apts and he only had the building number not the apartment #. But,  if it was 12 ish apt. and  he had my last name while I wouldn't be bothered is he called from the lobby; I would only think it was very mildly weird if he read the mail boxes to find the right door and not weird at all if my name was on the door buzzers.

I wouldn't be offended if he called because he couldn't find parking or something and asked me to come out though.

Edited to finish thought.
« Last Edit: May 04, 2014, 09:52:30 AM by shhh its me »

Dorrie78

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Re: pick up at the door or not?
« Reply #5 on: May 04, 2014, 09:56:45 AM »
2 issues that I see here. First and most importantly, I would never ever ever arrange a first in- person meeting with a stranger at my home. OP, you should not be okay with the fact that a relative stranger was given your address! They should definitely meet at a neutral site!
I just want to repond to this before other chime in. In the 3 weeks this woman has been at my place, she has seen one house concert where the first 8 people to arrive were people I had never before met in my life and two parties during the biggest holiday of the year where complete or almost complete strangers were invited to join the festivities.

If you move into a house like this, you know that you can invite people to the door without the landlord complaining ;)
Personally, I think a party at your house with a number of people, some of whom you don't know, is very different than meeting a person on the internet and then arranging a private meeting (one on one) with that virtual stranger in your home. I mentioned that as my first concern due to the safety issue presented, not because she needed to ask permission from a landlord. But to each their own - back when I did internet dating, I always would meet the men in person at a neutral locations the first few dates.

jmarvellous

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Re: pick up at the door or not?
« Reply #6 on: May 04, 2014, 10:06:15 AM »
My father used to say, exaggeratedly of course, that if a guy came to pick me up on a date and didn't come to the door, I wasn't leaving the house! It was seen as the height of disrespect, particularly when I was a minor and my parents might want to meet someone before I left with them.

I held to that mostly in my adult life, too--and never had someone try to pull it on a first date. But I agree with others that when it comes to meeting a stranger for the first time, it's always best to agree to meet them at a neutral location, rather than having them come pick you up or vice versa, for safety reasons.

Even if you don't expect the person to come to the door, it's nicer to do so, in my opinion, than to wait at the car for you to show up!

pierrotlunaire0

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Re: pick up at the door or not?
« Reply #7 on: May 04, 2014, 10:14:14 AM »
It's a date, not a taxi that you ordered.

If someone just pulled up and didn't come to the door, I would be offended.
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camlan

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Re: pick up at the door or not?
« Reply #8 on: May 04, 2014, 11:38:47 AM »
US here. The only time I would not expect a date to park his car and walk up to the door would be if I lived in a city with limited on-street parking. The poor guy might have to spend 15 minutes driving around looking for a parking spot, and then the spot might be 5 blocks away from where I live. At that point, it would make sense for him to call from the car. And in fact it would be sensible for him to alert me ahead of time that he'd be calling from the car, so that I could be ready and maybe even down at the door waiting for him, so that he wouldn't be blocking traffic while waiting for me.

But if the date can reasonably park somewhere on my street, I'd expect him to park and walk up to the door under normal circumstances. Certainly for the first date, when he should be trying to make a good impression.
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Steve

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Re: pick up at the door or not?
« Reply #9 on: May 04, 2014, 11:50:53 AM »
Dutchie here: and yes: lazy bum that does not ring the bell.

I have also lived in the US for some time and there it was the same: if the date does not come to the door, there is no date.



BarensMom

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Re: pick up at the door or not?
« Reply #10 on: May 04, 2014, 12:04:42 PM »
My father used to say, exaggeratedly of course, that if a guy came to pick me up on a date and didn't come to the door, I wasn't leaving the house! It was seen as the height of disrespect, particularly when I was a minor and my parents might want to meet someone before I left with them.

I held to that mostly in my adult life, too--and never had someone try to pull it on a first date. But I agree with others that when it comes to meeting a stranger for the first time, it's always best to agree to meet them at a neutral location, rather than having them come pick you up or vice versa, for safety reasons.

Even if you don't expect the person to come to the door, it's nicer to do so, in my opinion, than to wait at the car for you to show up!

My parents also wouldn't let me leave the house if the guy just drove up and honked.  I had to wait until he came to the door, and if he didn't, oh well. 

I agree - in this day and age, one should meet people in neutral locations until you get to know them and sometimes, not even then.

Free Range Hippy Chick

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Re: pick up at the door or not?
« Reply #11 on: May 04, 2014, 12:26:31 PM »

I agree - in this day and age, one should meet people in neutral locations until you get to know them and sometimes, not even then.

I had to point out the other end of this to the Elder Chick recently - he's away at university and was going (quite safely) to meet, in a public place, a girl he had met over the internet. He was telling me this ahead of time, and asking me not to freak out, because All Mothers Know that everybody their child encounters online is a mad axe murderer at best, you know? (I pointed out that I'd met some of my closest friends online, but still, I'm his mother, so I know nothing. It's the Law.) He was filling me in on what precautions he was taking etc etc cont page 94, and was rather taken aback when I pointed out to him that to this girl's parents, he was probably the mad axe murderer, and that he should take some steps to show himself not to be - she was being picked up at the end of the evening by some family member, so I said to him to walk with her right to the car, to speak to the driver, etc, not in an 'I'm looking after the little lady' manner but in an 'I'm respectable enough that I'm not afraid of you seeing my face' manner.

He seemed surprised.

Allyson

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Re: pick up at the door or not?
« Reply #12 on: May 04, 2014, 01:04:55 PM »
I'd expect them to come to the door, but I wouldn't be offended if they texted me to come outside. Though, I live in an apartment with a buzzer system. If I'm getting picked up, my friends almost always call/text for me to come out rather than they come all the way up just for me to come down.

Honking is rude though.

marcel

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Re: pick up at the door or not?
« Reply #13 on: May 04, 2014, 01:35:44 PM »
Just one more thing about the safety issue, meeting at the house thing. Her side of it also made sense from a safety perspective. By having him come to the house, I could see him / his car, before she went of with him, so if something happened, i could identify him.
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Vall

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Re: pick up at the door or not?
« Reply #14 on: May 04, 2014, 03:28:19 PM »
I'm in the US.  Sometimes for a first date I would meet at a neutral place for safety reasons.

If a date came to my house, they absolutely came to the door every time.  I would have been very insulted to have someone call me from their car but I don't live in an area that has parking problems.