Author Topic: pick up at the door or not?  (Read 3481 times)

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marcel

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Re: pick up at the door or not?
« Reply #30 on: May 05, 2014, 06:16:37 PM »
I'm wondering why roommate felt he should not come to the door? Is there something actively insulting about that in her culture, or did she just think he was weird to make that effort? Kind of like, you're going for a khakis-level dinner and the guy shows up in a three piece suit and tie. You don't know if you should be like, "Aww, that's sweet, he's really trying!" or "Hmm, that's off, do we have different expectations already?"
the way I understood it from her was that it is weird. Apparently in her (sub)culture people would not do this. I am just now thinking that it is possible that in the city where she is from people live in apartment buildings where it is hard to get to the door and/or difficult street parking, (I have been to some cities where most people live like that) so that it has become custom there to call when you arrive.

Anyway, I told her yesterday that i p[ut the issue up on an international etiquetteforum frequente mostly by women and that there was general consensus the guy should go to the door, so I adviced her not to judge a man as being weird for coming to the door :)
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TootsNYC

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Re: pick up at the door or not?
« Reply #31 on: May 05, 2014, 07:03:41 PM »
The apartment buzzer thing is definitely a factor; I'd think it was fine to call or text from the car.

But I'd probably advise my son that (as a grownup) he should go ring the buzzer. And then the date would probably simply come down, instead of having him up just to turn around and go back out again.

It's just such a production.

DavidH

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Re: pick up at the door or not?
« Reply #32 on: May 05, 2014, 07:49:03 PM »
US male perspective.  You come to the door to pick up your date, unless there is a compelling reason why that's impractical.  For example, no parking nearby, in which case you call to say you're outside, but there's no parking, would she mind coming down.  Even in a city like Boston with really difficult parking, you'd at least make an attempt to park and go to their door before giving up and calling to tell them you'd arrived.

 A date waiting by the front door and coming out before you can park and come to collect them is fine, but if you are picking them up, you have to make the effort to go to their door. 

Winterlight

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Re: pick up at the door or not?
« Reply #33 on: May 06, 2014, 09:08:39 AM »
I think he was fine to go to the door. IME, the person doing the pickup should come to the door unless you're in an area with horrid parking. I wouldn't expect it from someone who lived in downtown DC, where finding convenient free parking at 7pm is dreaming the impossible dream. But I live out in the suburbs, and there's lots of parking.
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DaDancingPsych

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Re: pick up at the door or not?
« Reply #34 on: May 08, 2014, 11:16:02 AM »
I'm from the US. I would expect him to go as far as he could. Since he had enough information to get him to the front door, then I would expect him to do that. If I didn't want him to come to the door, then I would have either asked him to phone me once he had arrived or I would not have given him the remaining details that would have gotten him there.

The only other way that calling me would have been acceptable is if he had trouble finding the place. "I'm on Your Drive, but I am not finding the house number."

Allyson

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Re: pick up at the door or not?
« Reply #35 on: May 08, 2014, 12:31:00 PM »
Having read this whole thread, I now have to ask, do women never pick up guys at their houses for dates? And if they do, would the same rules apply? What about for friends? I sort of get the idea that there's a specific rule that applies only when it is "man picks woman up for Date" that means it's very bad not to come to the door. :D

TootsNYC

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Re: pick up at the door or not?
« Reply #36 on: May 08, 2014, 12:34:51 PM »
Having read this whole thread, I now have to ask, do women never pick up guys at their houses for dates? And if they do, would the same rules apply? What about for friends? I sort of get the idea that there's a specific rule that applies only when it is "man picks woman up for Date" that means it's very bad not to come to the door. :D

Well, this custom is a remnant of the "man invites woman on a date" dynamic. It's only in my lifetime that there was any pressure for a women to ask a man out.

But in other sorts of "picking you up" situations, yes, I think people who are arriving are supposed to come to the door.
  Your friend picking you up so you can go to a concert together.
  A mom picking up her child's friend for a playdate or trip.
 

It's about the idea that you're in your house, and people come to your official door to get you. I would consider it rude for my aunt to pull up and just wait outside, or honk. I might actually consider it a little rude for her to call or text and say, "come out here where I am in the car"--unless there were something else going on, like no parking space, or we're in a big hurry, or maybe it's raining, and there's no sense in two of us struggling w/ an umbrella (esp. since getting out of a car makes you wetter than getting in, I.M.O.).

EllenS

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Re: pick up at the door or not?
« Reply #37 on: May 08, 2014, 12:43:10 PM »
For a friend, if I were picking them up from their home I would go as close to the door as practical, unless instructed otherwise. But with friends I am usually going to hang out at their house, or meeting them somewhere else.

I never did pick up a guy for a date from his house. I like old fashioned gender roles in courtship, and was compatable with fellows who felt the same. I think the "rules" get less formal as the relationship progresses.

When I was dating my now-DH in BigCity, he drove and I did not, so if we were going by train he would buzz me and I would meet him in the lobby, or if we were driving he would leave the car running, hop out and buzz the intercom.  But that would not have been OK on a first or early date. And we would both still have considered it horrendously tacky for him to call me from the car.

TootsNYC

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Re: pick up at the door or not?
« Reply #38 on: May 08, 2014, 12:47:16 PM »
I think the "rules" get less formal as the relationship progresses.

When I was dating my now-DH in BigCity, he drove and I did not, so if we were going by train he would buzz me and I would meet him in the lobby, or if we were driving he would leave the car running, hop out and buzz the intercom.  But that would not have been OK on a first or early date. And we would both still have considered it horrendously tacky for him to call me from the car.

I agree. (I might not think it was any tackier for him to call me than to hop out and buzz the intercom, but I can see why. Because the getting out of the car is a gesture that says, "I'm eager for this date; I'm not sure doing the lazy stuff that's convenient.")

EllenS

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Re: pick up at the door or not?
« Reply #39 on: May 08, 2014, 12:54:30 PM »
I think the "rules" get less formal as the relationship progresses.

When I was dating my now-DH in BigCity, he drove and I did not, so if we were going by train he would buzz me and I would meet him in the lobby, or if we were driving he would leave the car running, hop out and buzz the intercom.  But that would not have been OK on a first or early date. And we would both still have considered it horrendously tacky for him to call me from the car.

I agree. (I might not think it was any tackier for him to call me than to hop out and buzz the intercom, but I can see why. Because the getting out of the car is a gesture that says, "I'm eager for this date; I'm not sure doing the lazy stuff that's convenient.")

Yes, it's impersonal and to me implies a businesslike relationship. Like, a taxi driver would call to see if the fare was coming out. Or a carpool for school or work.  Definitely not the vibe you want when you're trying to impress a date.

purple

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Re: pick up at the door or not?
« Reply #40 on: May 08, 2014, 06:36:34 PM »
Having read this whole thread, I now have to ask, do women never pick up guys at their houses for dates? And if they do, would the same rules apply? What about for friends? I sort of get the idea that there's a specific rule that applies only when it is "man picks woman up for Date" that means it's very bad not to come to the door. :D

Picking up a friend is a whole 'nother ball game.

I'm old-fashioned and I wouldn't dream of asking a man on a date (at least not until we had been dating exclusively for a time).  I wouldn't dream of meeting him at the date place or picking him up for a date or paying for myself on the date either, for that matter.  I expect to be asked, picked up at my door, paid for and dropped back safely at my door.

Likewise, Toots, I find that my 'dating rules' work for me because I find myself compatible with men who feel the same way about traditional gender roles / dating.

nuit93

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Re: pick up at the door or not?
« Reply #41 on: May 08, 2014, 06:56:43 PM »
Having read this whole thread, I now have to ask, do women never pick up guys at their houses for dates? And if they do, would the same rules apply? What about for friends? I sort of get the idea that there's a specific rule that applies only when it is "man picks woman up for Date" that means it's very bad not to come to the door. :D

I've had (male) partners who didn't drive, while I did.  If I wasn't meeting them somewhere besides their place, I'd go to the door.

Though, FWIW, I never understood the concept of traditional gender roles when I was younger, so by the time I started dating (18ish) I just found them annoying.  When I was 18 I had a job and a license (even though I lived at home), while my BF at the time lived at home and didn't drive or work.  I didn't care and thought it was no big deal for me to drive, he thought that driving should be the man's job.  Note that before I got my license, his PARENTS would drive us on dates.  And this was perfectly okay with him.

Not so much with me.  We didn't last much longer after that.
« Last Edit: May 08, 2014, 07:11:29 PM by nuit93 »

DaDancingPsych

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Re: pick up at the door or not?
« Reply #42 on: May 09, 2014, 09:28:53 AM »
Having read this whole thread, I now have to ask, do women never pick up guys at their houses for dates? And if they do, would the same rules apply? What about for friends? I sort of get the idea that there's a specific rule that applies only when it is "man picks woman up for Date" that means it's very bad not to come to the door. :D

I don't think that this changes things. When I am the driver, I still go to the door. It doesn't matter if it's a date, a more long-term boyfriend, or a friend. In many cases, I don't make it to the door, as the person meets me outside. But unless other arrangements were made, I knock on the door.

I did date a guy who lived in a secure building. I have no doubt that there must have been an intercom or bell of some sorts, but I never used it. He always asked me to call his phone, as he had to go to the outer door to let me in anyways. If our plans were not to stay at his place, then he would meet me at my car.

Lynn2000

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Re: pick up at the door or not?
« Reply #43 on: May 09, 2014, 10:33:02 AM »
Having read this whole thread, I now have to ask, do women never pick up guys at their houses for dates? And if they do, would the same rules apply? What about for friends? I sort of get the idea that there's a specific rule that applies only when it is "man picks woman up for Date" that means it's very bad not to come to the door. :D

I was assuming that if a woman was picking a man up on a date, or if anyone was picking anyone else up on date of whatever combination, the preference of coming to the door would still hold for most people. I personally don't see it as necessary, perhaps because of my apartment living situation with the buzzer and all, but I can follow the idea that it shows eagerness and effort, and it seems logical to me that this would apply to anyone picking up someone that they wanted to impress.

As I said earlier, for me, almost no one comes to the apartment building door unless they actually want to come up to my apartment, like to use my bathroom first--that includes my friends, parents, co-workers, etc.. I am always the one getting picked up because I don't have a car, so I don't have experience on the other side of it, I guess. Most people call me from their cell phones to say they're at the building, and then I come downstairs. They may or may not have gotten out of their cars, depending on the parking situation and the weather. Sometimes people call to say they're "close" and ask me to come down, so they can just briefly pause the car while I get in, and then we drive off.

I grant you some of those things are rather informal for an early date, and I think when in doubt it's probably best to err on the side of caution, that is, getting out of your car and as close to the door as possible--the whole eagerness and effort thing. But, I could see that being impractical at my particular apartment building--when all the parking spots are full, the through-street becomes more of a lane for idling vehicles, especially the food delivery folks, so someone calling from their car to say they were there wouldn't bother me.
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Texas Mom

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Re: pick up at the door or not?
« Reply #44 on: May 10, 2014, 06:00:29 PM »
DD dated a young man from the Netherlands for a while.  His manners were the same she'd come to expect from a gentleman in the US.  Come to the door, open car doors, etc.