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Gone

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Gone 27
« on: May 04, 2014, 04:12:25 PM »
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« Last Edit: October 17, 2014, 04:39:19 AM by Millionaire Maria »

MorgnsGrl

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Re: "Attending" On Her Own Terms
« Reply #1 on: May 04, 2014, 04:33:00 PM »
I think Aunt and Aunt's mother should have told the bride that they would not be attending the meal, because it was rude and wasteful not to let her know. Otherwise, I think Aunt's behavior was silly, but I'd prefer what she chose to do over her making a huge, repeated stink about the boys not being invited to the ceremony/reception.

lakey

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Re: "Attending" On Her Own Terms
« Reply #2 on: May 04, 2014, 05:10:44 PM »
I really don't understand why people think that they are entitled to bring their children to adult functions. When I was growing up it was common for wedding receptions to be for adults and children who were high school age or older. There were some where younger children were also invited, but the parents knew that because the children were included on the invitation.

It was not necessary for anyone to have to be informed that children weren't invited. They knew their children weren't invited because, well, they weren't invited.

Carotte

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Re: "Attending" On Her Own Terms
« Reply #3 on: May 04, 2014, 05:12:53 PM »
If the two boys didn't require special attention or care it seems a bit PA to not entrust them to the kids club and enjoy the wedding. It's not because they're aunt's kids, it's because they're kids, a choice the HC made and is entitled to, not the end of the world or a personal snub.
But it's still better than kicking up a fuss..

Did it took the aunt 5 months to realize the kids couldn't be at the ceremony?

Venus193

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Re: "Attending" On Her Own Terms
« Reply #4 on: May 04, 2014, 05:34:55 PM »
It sounds to me like the aunt was trying to look like a martyr or something,  Instead she was rude for not informing the bride and groom that she and her mother would not be attending dinner and likely looked foolish when she observed from a distance as though she hadn't been invited.

If there was lots of word of mouth about children not being invited to the wedding or the reception I doubt she was confused.





mechtilde

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Re: "Attending" On Her Own Terms
« Reply #5 on: May 04, 2014, 05:37:59 PM »
Aunt should have read the invitation when it was sent to her. All the information was there. She didn't need to act the martyr like that.
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buvezdevin

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Re: "Attending" On Her Own Terms
« Reply #6 on: May 04, 2014, 06:04:54 PM »
I am curious about two things:

1.  Was it known by the general wedding attendees what was going on - or was it that you happened to learn of the matter, but it wasn't a topic of discussion among the wedding guests generally? 

If aunt was parading her "grievance" - particularly bad form by her.  If it was acknowledged by others to explain why aunt and her mother were visible, but not among the wedding guests for the ceremony or dinner - awkward, but not something any party by themselves made an issue.  If it was discussed by Bride, or others in the wedding party with guests and included the details of aunt's complaints shortly before the wedding - too much detail was shared.

2.  How many children, other than aunt's two, were there - so far as you know? 

If the happy couple told all parents, including Aunt, about children being welcome at the dance *after* ceremony and dinner, included info about child club and child care options, and clearly addressed invitations to adults only - the Aunt should have understood.  Wonder what she expected to achieve by her complaints just prior to the wedding, include all children, or make an exception for just hers?  Not that either would be reasonable objectives of a guest.

Whether or not there were a number of other children present, assuming no other parent was "confused" - it sounds like an attempt by Aunt to "guilt" an invite for her boys (really, telling a bride - after your travel is booked - that you would not have accepted an invitation to a destination wedding if you understood something that seems to have been clear to others - why do that unless you are trying to get it changed?).
Never refuse to do a kindness unless the act would work great injury to yourself, and never refuse to take a drink -- under any circumstances.
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EllenS

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Re: "Attending" On Her Own Terms
« Reply #7 on: May 04, 2014, 09:00:56 PM »

Two weeks before the wedding, the bride's aunt, who has two boys (6 and 8), called the bride and expressed anger and disappointment that her children would not be able to attend the wedding. She told the bride that had she known this before, they would have decided not to come at all.

In Bride's place, I would have said, "Oh, I thought it clear from the invitation! Sorry for any confusion. Thank you for letting me know, I'll change your RSVP. We'll miss you."

Ceallach

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Re: "Attending" On Her Own Terms
« Reply #8 on: May 04, 2014, 09:31:21 PM »
I'm curious as to how clearly the invitations were worded - if they included the info re babysitters etc, then it clearly infers kids are welcome to attend the "celebration/destination", but it doesn't necessarily infer that they are not invited specifically to the wedding.

Given it's a destination wedding I can't fault the aunt for not wanting to leave her kids in the kids club or with a strange babysitter, that's a fair parenting decision.   The question is, should she have known sooner based on the information that had been provided?    I'd be furious if I'd booked and planned the trip and then found out from somebody else that the kids weren't actually invited to the wedding.    So hard to tell whether she's a SS or whether the couple planned and communicated their event poorly to guests.    I think her solution was the only possible compromise at that late point - she fulfilled her obligations e.g. making the speech, and participated in as much as she could where the kids were welcome.   (Note:  I don't think insisting kids be included in every event is reasonable, I'm just saying if you thought they were welcome and had booked the flights and accommodation there isn't a lot of options after that.  Destination weddings are much more complicated due to the time and expense involved on the part of guests). 
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Piratelvr1121

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Re: "Attending" On Her Own Terms
« Reply #9 on: May 04, 2014, 10:07:20 PM »
I really don't understand why people think that they are entitled to bring their children to adult functions. When I was growing up it was common for wedding receptions to be for adults and children who were high school age or older. There were some where younger children were also invited, but the parents knew that because the children were included on the invitation.

It was not necessary for anyone to have to be informed that children weren't invited. They knew their children weren't invited because, well, they weren't invited.

Agreed.  We haven't been in that position ourselves but I know when I was a kid one of my aunts and uncles had a childfree wedding and reception so a babysitter was hired for all the kids in the family and we stayed at my grandparent's house.  I remember being bummed to miss it, but also had fun with the cousins.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

Mergatroyd

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Re: "Attending" On Her Own Terms
« Reply #10 on: May 04, 2014, 10:09:32 PM »
I'm curious as to how clearly the invitations were worded - if they included the info re babysitters etc, then it clearly infers kids are welcome to attend the "celebration/destination", but it doesn't necessarily infer that they are not invited specifically to the wedding.

Given it's a destination wedding I can't fault the aunt for not wanting to leave her kids in the kids club or with a strange babysitter, that's a fair parenting decision.   The question is, should she have known sooner based on the information that had been provided?    I'd be furious if I'd booked and planned the trip and then found out from somebody else that the kids weren't actually invited to the wedding.    So hard to tell whether she's a SS or whether the couple planned and communicated their event poorly to guests.    I think her solution was the only possible compromise at that late point - she fulfilled her obligations e.g. making the speech, and participated in as much as she could where the kids were welcome.   (Note:  I don't think insisting kids be included in every event is reasonable, I'm just saying if you thought they were welcome and had booked the flights and accommodation there isn't a lot of options after that.  Destination weddings are much more complicated due to the time and expense involved on the part of guests).

POD this.
 Word of mouth is notoriously unreliable as a way of getting the small print details across. Some parents would see the bit about the kids club and babysitting and think that it was so they can have meals out without them or party it up a bit on the days other than the wedding. Most destination weddings are a week long trip, no? Lots of time to need a babysitting service.
I've only been invited to one destination wedding, and we declined to go due to the financial cost of taking two kids to a four star resort half the world away. We had six months notice, but I thought even that wasn't long enough for the 10,000$ cost to be raised. (That's just flights and resort, not even extras.) That is a lot of money to go and have your kids sit with the babysitter.
(My children wereinvited to the ceremony etc, but still.)
I'm surprised it is that rare to have children there? I went to nearly a dozen weddings as a child, and there were always other children there?
« Last Edit: May 04, 2014, 10:11:29 PM by Mergatroyd »

TootsNYC

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Re: "Attending" On Her Own Terms
« Reply #11 on: May 04, 2014, 10:27:48 PM »
Most destination weddings are a week long trip, no?

No, actually--I've never heard of one that was a full week for the guests. A weekend, maybe a long weekend. That's the most I've ever heard of (and I've heard of a lot of destination weddings).

Almost every invitation or tentative schedule I ever saw (and I saw plenty of them in my old job) was Friday night, Saturday, Sunday.

Ceallach

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Re: "Attending" On Her Own Terms
« Reply #12 on: May 04, 2014, 11:29:25 PM »
Most destination weddings are a week long trip, no?

No, actually--I've never heard of one that was a full week for the guests. A weekend, maybe a long weekend. That's the most I've ever heard of (and I've heard of a lot of destination weddings).

Almost every invitation or tentative schedule I ever saw (and I saw plenty of them in my old job) was Friday night, Saturday, Sunday.

It probably depends a lot on how far away the destination is, and the travel nature of the attendees.  The last one I went to was in a tropical destination, and nearly all of the guests booked their own accommodation separately at nearby rental houses, hotels etc.    We stayed 10 days, most were there at least 1 week, and there was only 1 couple who flew in for just 4 days I think due to work commitments.    Basically it was a giant extended family vacation for the whole extended family!   (Which is what the couple wanted, so that's great).   I don't think we can make any assumptions about the duration or what's standard.

What is definite though is destination weddings nearly always require extra money/time on the part of guests, so it's important they have all of the details to make their decisions around that. 
"Nobody can do everything, but everybody can do something"


kudeebee

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Re: "Attending" On Her Own Terms
« Reply #13 on: May 05, 2014, 12:50:04 AM »
The invitations to the wedding went out at least six months before the big day and included all the important information about the resort and how to get there. Included was information on the children's club within the resort as well as the private babysitting services available. Children were welcome at the resort but were not invited to the wedding ceremony or dinner. Invitations were addressed in a way that reflected this. The bride and groom did tell the parents that the children could come to the dance after the children's club closed.


Per bolded above--It sounds like the Aunt did know and decided that she was special and could perhaps bully her niece into allowing her children to attend. 

I agree with a PP in that as the bride I would have stated that we would miss her at the wedding, would find someone else to do the welcome speech, and would change her rsvp to no.

Ceallach

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Re: "Attending" On Her Own Terms
« Reply #14 on: May 05, 2014, 02:55:16 AM »
I think it was rude of both the aunt and her mother to skip attending the dinner.   I totally understand not wanting to leave the children with strangers, but it doesn't seem necessary for both of them to absent themselves.

If I were invited to this wedding I would probably make it a family vacation (I love destination weddings!) but make it clear that only 1 of us was attending the wedding, while the other watched the kids.   We'd still get to celebrate with the bride and groom during the weekend/week and share in their festivities with the other guests, but without being rude and bringing uninvited guests.    So basically our RSVP would be for 1 person even though we would all go on the trip.  I think that would be an appropriate win-win way of handling this type of situation.   
"Nobody can do everything, but everybody can do something"