News: IT'S THE 2ND ANNUAL GUATEMALA LIBRARY PROJECT BOOK DRIVE!    LOOKING FOR DONATIONS OF SCIENCE BOOKS THIS YEAR.    Check it out in the "Extending the Hand of Kindness" folder or here: http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=139832.msg3372084#msg3372084   

  • November 25, 2017, 05:09:32 AM

Login with username, password and session length

Author Topic: Gone 27  (Read 17472 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

camlan

  • Member
  • Posts: 9273
Re: "Attending" On Her Own Terms
« Reply #15 on: May 05, 2014, 05:32:00 AM »

I'm surprised it is that rare to have children there? I went to nearly a dozen weddings as a child, and there were always other children there?

I think it depends on where you live and the customs of your social group.

The first wedding I attended was when I was 14. My father's side of the family is so large that in order to keep the guest lists reasonable, children weren't invited until they were 14 or 16 years old.
Nothing is impossible, the word itself says, “I’m possible!” –Audrey Hepburn


MorgnsGrl

  • Member
  • Posts: 999
Re: "Attending" On Her Own Terms
« Reply #16 on: May 05, 2014, 06:15:38 AM »
Most destination weddings are a week long trip, no?

No, actually--I've never heard of one that was a full week for the guests. A weekend, maybe a long weekend. That's the most I've ever heard of (and I've heard of a lot of destination weddings).

Almost every invitation or tentative schedule I ever saw (and I saw plenty of them in my old job) was Friday night, Saturday, Sunday.

The only destination wedding I've been to, the trip just to get there took an entire day. Most of the guests stayed for at least 6 days (and there were wedding related activities over three days at the resort) - extra days on both sides of the wedding. Flying there was costly, and by the time you were there, you might as well get a proper vacation out of it rather than feel like you spent as much time traveling as you did relaxing.

TootsNYC

  • Member
  • Posts: 33793
Re: "Attending" On Her Own Terms
« Reply #17 on: May 05, 2014, 08:04:02 AM »
Most destination weddings are a week long trip, no?

No, actually--I've never heard of one that was a full week for the guests. A weekend, maybe a long weekend. That's the most I've ever heard of (and I've heard of a lot of destination weddings).

Almost every invitation or tentative schedule I ever saw (and I saw plenty of them in my old job) was Friday night, Saturday, Sunday.

It probably depends a lot on how far away the destination is, and the travel nature of the attendees.  The last one I went to was in a tropical destination, and nearly all of the guests booked their own accommodation separately at nearby rental houses, hotels etc.    We stayed 10 days, most were there at least 1 week, and there was only 1 couple who flew in for just 4 days I think due to work commitments.    Basically it was a giant extended family vacation for the whole extended family!   (Which is what the couple wanted, so that's great).   I don't think we can make any assumptions about the duration or what's standard.

What is definite though is destination weddings nearly always require extra money/time on the part of guests, so it's important they have all of the details to make their decisions around that.

I wouldn't consider the whole week to be "the destination wedding." The people who came for 4 days were there for the wedding. The rest of you rounded up--by your own admission. That's not the wedding. That's the family vacation you decided to take since you were going there for the wedding.

The couple's official invitation, I would bet, only mentioned the wedding and maybe the events surrounding it. Pls correct me if I'm wrong.

Guests are always free to come early, stay later, etc. The couple might even encourage it. But in my opinion, that's "the family vacation connected to the wedding," not "the wedding itself."

And you may have had that experience, but that's one. I've seen invitations for many destination weddings, and they are generally a weekend only. Of course there are always outliers.
   But Mergatroyd said "most." And most are a weekend, not a full week.

Hmmmmm

  • Member
  • Posts: 8883
Re: "Attending" On Her Own Terms
« Reply #18 on: May 05, 2014, 08:16:24 AM »
I'm still trying how to work out how the aunt's mother isn't the bride's grandmother.

But I think aunt's behavior was silly. Fine, watch the ceremony from the side, but not attending the dinner was retaliatory. If she didn't want to leave her kids with strangers then her mom could have joined for cocktail hour and first course and the switched to the aunt joking for man and dessert.

TootsNYC

  • Member
  • Posts: 33793
Re: "Attending" On Her Own Terms
« Reply #19 on: May 05, 2014, 08:19:43 AM »
I'm still trying how to work out how the aunt's mother isn't the bride's grandmother.

But I think aunt's behavior was silly. Fine, watch the ceremony from the side, but not attending the dinner was retaliatory. If she didn't want to leave her kids with strangers then her mom could have joined for cocktail hour and first course and the switched to the aunt joking for man and dessert.

Aunt by marriage?

Mergatroyd

  • Member
  • Posts: 1670
Re: "Attending" On Her Own Terms
« Reply #20 on: May 05, 2014, 10:03:01 AM »
Most destination weddings are a week long trip, no?

No, actually--I've never heard of one that was a full week for the guests. A weekend, maybe a long weekend. That's the most I've ever heard of (and I've heard of a lot of destination weddings).

Almost every invitation or tentative schedule I ever saw (and I saw plenty of them in my old job) was Friday night, Saturday, Sunday.

It probably depends a lot on how far away the destination is, and the travel nature of the attendees.  The last one I went to was in a tropical destination, and nearly all of the guests booked their own accommodation separately at nearby rental houses, hotels etc.    We stayed 10 days, most were there at least 1 week, and there was only 1 couple who flew in for just 4 days I think due to work commitments.    Basically it was a giant extended family vacation for the whole extended family!   (Which is what the couple wanted, so that's great).   I don't think we can make any assumptions about the duration or what's standard.

What is definite though is destination weddings nearly always require extra money/time on the part of guests, so it's important they have all of the details to make their decisions around that.

I wouldn't consider the whole week to be "the destination wedding." The people who came for 4 days were there for the wedding. The rest of you rounded up--by your own admission. That's not the wedding. That's the family vacation you decided to take since you were going there for the wedding.

The couple's official invitation, I would bet, only mentioned the wedding and maybe the events surrounding it. Pls correct me if I'm wrong.

Guests are always free to come early, stay later, etc. The couple might even encourage it. But in my opinion, that's "the family vacation connected to the wedding," not "the wedding itself."

And you may have had that experience, but that's one. I've seen invitations for many destination weddings, and they are generally a weekend only. Of course there are always outliers.
   But Mergatroyd said "most." And most are a weekend, not a full week.

Goodness, you do like to pick on me don't you toots? I'm going to put it down as a geographical difference then. I live in Canada, in a part where it takes a two hour flight just to get to an international airport, then a however long flight to wherever the weddings are held (friends went to one in the dominican, we were invited to one in Mexico- a popular choice, my cousin got married in Barbados) and each situation is paid for at the travel agent as a group vacation. The guests are all on the same international flight, seated together, they are all supposed to stay at the same resort, and they are all supposed to return together. A week to eight days seems to be the norm from people I personally know. There are exceptions, if one doesn't wish to stay at the same resort or must arrive/depart on a different day then they have to book their own non-discounted trip. In the case of staying at a different resort, they then also have to book a day pass on the days they wish to be allowed into the resort the wedding is held at.

Perhaps the confusion is in that I wouldn't consider a flight within my country to be a destination wedding? Weddings in the next province over may require as much travel time, but are definitely not a set seven day affair, and would of course require everyone to make their own arrangements as to hotels etc..

TootsNYC

  • Member
  • Posts: 33793
Re: "Attending" On Her Own Terms
« Reply #21 on: May 05, 2014, 10:15:12 AM »

Goodness, you do like to pick on me don't you toots?


I wouldn't consider "having a different opinion than you" or "believing you are mistaken" to be "picking on you." I'm sorry if this came across as personally motivated, because it certainly wasn't.

My experience, which I used to counter the "most," is based on observation of weddings from completely unconnected social circles (some of them not even my social circle), interviews w/ wedding planners, some of them high-end, from many different parts of the U.S.  So my sampling is one that I consider to be pretty broad. That's why I don't think "most" is an accurate term, across the board.
   And it's that term I'm challenging, not you personally.

Of course there are some that are longer than the weekend. But the "default setting," based on that sampling, is a weekend or a long weekend.

I also define "destination wedding" much the way you do. The U.S. is also a large country, and I live a long ways from my family of origin. When I fly from NYC to Kansas for a wedding, I don't consider it a destination wedding.
   But if I drive upstate to a resort that neither the bride nor groom has ever been to before, I do consider it a destination wedding.

And in both situations, it's a weekend.

« Last Edit: May 05, 2014, 10:45:50 AM by TootsNYC »

rigs32

  • Member
  • Posts: 721
Re: "Attending" On Her Own Terms
« Reply #22 on: May 05, 2014, 11:00:09 AM »
The question is, should she have known sooner based on the information that had been provided?    I'd be furious if I'd booked and planned the trip and then found out from somebody else that the kids weren't actually invited to the wedding.    So hard to tell whether she's a SS or whether the couple planned and communicated their event poorly to guests.   

Assuming Aunt received an invitation addressed to HER and not the children, and RSVPed for herself and not the children, how can you say she didn't know kids weren't allowed?  Given the bride and groom's attempts to inform guests as to the child policy, I can only assume that an RSVP from aunt including the children would have prompted a phone call or conversation.

Venus193

  • Member
  • Posts: 17049
  • Backstage passes are wonderful things!
Re: "Attending" On Her Own Terms
« Reply #23 on: May 05, 2014, 11:07:36 AM »
As we have seen many times on this forum, there are people who refuse to accept that others may want to have child-free weddings.  Some think that their own children should be exceptions to that and some are just plain clueless about the correct etiquette interpretation of wedding invitations.

And some people like to grandstand.  I think this aunt is one of those.





doodlemor

  • Member
  • Posts: 2383
Re: "Attending" On Her Own Terms
« Reply #24 on: May 05, 2014, 12:46:02 PM »
As we have seen many times on this forum, there are people who refuse to accept that others may want to have child-free weddings.  Some think that their own children should be exceptions to that and some are just plain clueless about the correct etiquette interpretation of wedding invitations.

And some people like to grandstand.  I think this aunt is one of those.

POD

I think that aunt was rude to the participants and other guests, and also rude to her children.  We don't know exactly what aunt told them, but it seems to me that she ended up teaching them to be upset about perceived slights and rejections.  They likely felt like they were "unwanted," but wouldn't have thought a thing about not going to the ceremony if they had just been put with the other children.

It's likely that they would have much rather enjoyed being with the other children at the kids' club too, rather than standing and watching a grown up wedding from afar.  I bet that they would have rather eaten dinner with the other children, also, presuming that the bride and groom had made arrangements for the children to be served at the kids' club.

Luci

  • Member
  • Posts: 7647
Re: "Attending" On Her Own Terms
« Reply #25 on: May 05, 2014, 01:44:07 PM »
I am still baffled as to why anyone would think a 6 year old boy would want to attend a wedding ceremony. Well, maybe one out of curiosity, but after that, it would seem to be torture. So, why would the aunt make the poor kid go when there was all of this neat stuff going on with other kids? We don't know how old the second boy is.

I personally don't like the ceremony except for my own children's, and I made ours as short as possible. (Eighteen guests, five minute sermon about being kind and nurturing each other and keeping God on our lives, the magic words, and we were out of there.)

The kid would probably prefer dinner with his new friends, and the dancing afterwards is kid-friendly, so that's fun, but they were invited.

That makes me think the aunt was doubly rude.

Mergatroyd

  • Member
  • Posts: 1670
Re: "Attending" On Her Own Terms
« Reply #26 on: May 05, 2014, 01:57:19 PM »
So, the mother that stood with aunt was her mother and not actually related to the bride/groom at all? Why was she there? Was she aunt's plus 1, or a uninvited invitee? Why could she not stay with the kids? I guess we'll never know, but if there is more backstory than we've heard than what she did is sounding more and more SS.

As an aside to toots, I don't mind being mistaken or corrected as I am here to learn. It seemed odd that you would correct someone else's post using my name after already replying to me though, which is why I mentioned it. End aside.

sparksals

  • Member
  • Posts: 17515
Re: "Attending" On Her Own Terms
« Reply #27 on: May 05, 2014, 02:16:29 PM »
Most destination weddings are a week long trip, no?

No, actually--I've never heard of one that was a full week for the guests. A weekend, maybe a long weekend. That's the most I've ever heard of (and I've heard of a lot of destination weddings).

Almost every invitation or tentative schedule I ever saw (and I saw plenty of them in my old job) was Friday night, Saturday, Sunday.

It probably depends a lot on how far away the destination is, and the travel nature of the attendees.  The last one I went to was in a tropical destination, and nearly all of the guests booked their own accommodation separately at nearby rental houses, hotels etc.    We stayed 10 days, most were there at least 1 week, and there was only 1 couple who flew in for just 4 days I think due to work commitments.    Basically it was a giant extended family vacation for the whole extended family!   (Which is what the couple wanted, so that's great).   I don't think we can make any assumptions about the duration or what's standard.

What is definite though is destination weddings nearly always require extra money/time on the part of guests, so it's important they have all of the details to make their decisions around that.

I wouldn't consider the whole week to be "the destination wedding." The people who came for 4 days were there for the wedding. The rest of you rounded up--by your own admission. That's not the wedding. That's the family vacation you decided to take since you were going there for the wedding.

The couple's official invitation, I would bet, only mentioned the wedding and maybe the events surrounding it. Pls correct me if I'm wrong.

Guests are always free to come early, stay later, etc. The couple might even encourage it. But in my opinion, that's "the family vacation connected to the wedding," not "the wedding itself."

And you may have had that experience, but that's one. I've seen invitations for many destination weddings, and they are generally a weekend only. Of course there are always outliers.
   But Mergatroyd said "most." And most are a weekend, not a full week.

Goodness, you do like to pick on me don't you toots? I'm going to put it down as a geographical difference then. I live in Canada, in a part where it takes a two hour flight just to get to an international airport, then a however long flight to wherever the weddings are held (friends went to one in the dominican, we were invited to one in Mexico- a popular choice, my cousin got married in Barbados) and each situation is paid for at the travel agent as a group vacation. The guests are all on the same international flight, seated together, they are all supposed to stay at the same resort, and they are all supposed to return together. A week to eight days seems to be the norm from people I personally know. There are exceptions, if one doesn't wish to stay at the same resort or must arrive/depart on a different day then they have to book their own non-discounted trip. In the case of staying at a different resort, they then also have to book a day pass on the days they wish to be allowed into the resort the wedding is held at.

Perhaps the confusion is in that I wouldn't consider a flight within my country to be a destination wedding? Weddings in the next province over may require as much travel time, but are definitely not a set seven day affair, and would of course require everyone to make their own arrangements as to hotels etc..

I'm from Canada and gone to destination weddings before and never has it been a group booking thing as you described.  In my experience everyone books their own fare and doesn't necessarily travel together.  I view the wedding part to be the wedding part.  We consider the wedding to be the day before, of and after....so a weekend.  The rest is a holiday.
I dint think there is a hard and fast definition or requirement.

Mergatroyd

  • Member
  • Posts: 1670
Re: "Attending" On Her Own Terms
« Reply #28 on: May 05, 2014, 02:33:36 PM »
Interesting.. This makes me wonder about the travel agents in the areas I've been living for most of my life. They must really push the group discount and perks to the bride and groom. My BIL was told if they all booked together, he and his new wife would get the honeymoon suite one night for free. I don't think enough people signed up though, so they didn't.  And the invitation from my cousin (to my parents) had a number to call for the travel agent they used, the group booking registration number, and the register by date, right on the card.
Was that in fact rude of them to do so?
I'm learning lots of things today!

TootsNYC

  • Member
  • Posts: 33793
Re: "Attending" On Her Own Terms
« Reply #29 on: May 05, 2014, 02:37:12 PM »
Interesting.. This makes me wonder about the travel agents in the areas I've been living for most of my life. They must really push the group discount and perks to the bride and groom. My BIL was told if they all booked together, he and his new wife would get the honeymoon suite one night for free. I don't think enough people signed up though, so they didn't.  And the invitation from my cousin (to my parents) had a number to call for the travel agent they used, the group booking registration number, and the register by date, right on the card.
Was that in fact rude of them to do so?
I'm learning lots of things today!

I think the bolded is rude to ever tell people. It turns the B&G into salesmen with a commission--which is not a good place to be with their guests.
   It may be the case, but it would be smarter to never, ever let anybody find out about it.

I don't think the other stuff is necessarily rude--not any more rude than saying, "here's a hotel where we've reserved a block of rooms for a slightly better rate, and so that you can all be staying in the same place."