The old bait and switch...

[snugasabug]

We were invited to a milestone birthday for my Uncle...haven't seen him in years.      Cousin sent out the invite 2 months ahead of time (via Facebook....save the date, want to have a surprise bday party for my Dad's 65th birthday....) 

The invited stated they want everyone to sleepover and to have a great time.  We had lots of notice...booked time off work...we live about a 4hr drive away from uncle's house.  When our time off work was confirmed, we RSVP'd yes to the party. 

3 weeks before the invite, Cousin emailed asking (demanding?) 'Everyone in your family needs to bring enough food for 20-25 people.   We are serving burgers and hotdogs and that's it.  Bring any drinks that your family would want because we won't have any here for anyone except for ourselves. Bring a tent to sleep in because the house sleeping spots are taken. My dad would really like cash or booze or lottery tickets for a present."

I emailed back to clarify that she was asking us to bring potluck food to feed 25 people, plus drinks for my own family (husband and 2 children) and a gift for her dad and a tent to sleep in.

I guess all I can do is swallow hard, show up and stay for as long as we can tolerate?  I didn't anticipate this twist at all...but then again, I don't know this cousin and uncle very well.  Any suggestions? Do you think we should just go ahead and follow her requests and file this away to remember for next time?  Or can you see any way that we can decline going?

[JenJay]

Heck yes you can decline, and tell her why! "I'm sorry, when I accepted I didn't realize you'd need me to provide food for 25 people. I'm afraid that with time off work, travel expenses, etc. that's out of the budget. I hope you all have a wonderful time!" Then send him a card, lotto tickets optional.

[purple]

Ew.

Yes, you can always decline and you don't need to give a reason.  The thing is, now it would probably be pretty obvious why you are declining and cousin could be offended.  That is a call for you to make, whether it bothers you that that part of your family may be offended.

If you really want to see this Uncle, then I think you should just suck it up and go.

[Venus193]

Heck yes you can decline, and tell her why! "I'm sorry, when I accepted I didn't realize you'd need me to provide food for 25 people. I'm afraid that with time off work, travel expenses, etc. that's out of the budget. I hope you all have a wonderful time!" Then send him a card, lotto tickets optional.

Ditto.  It is monumentally rude to bait and switch like this.

[EllenS]

"I'm so sorry, it looks like we won't be able to make it after all."

You were invited to a party and sleepover at your cousin's house, which you accepted.

This is a potluck camping trip. A different event entirely, and one which you never accepted an invitation to.

[Mergatroyd]

I'm not surprised about the tent. Very few people have enough space in their homes to host a large party and have everyone sleepover. This is where I would make sure there was a taxi, and book a hotel room.
Of course, I'd also show up with six bags of chips, a couple bags of butter rolls, and a lotto ticket for the birthday guy.
If I went at all. It would depend on if there was other things to go see while I was there, then it would be a vacation with a brief family event thrown in, as opposed to a potlatch camping trip where I supply food, someone else disappears with my drinks, and I end up cleaning up/babysitting the next day.
It's not too late to have unavoidable circumstances (like sleeping in a tent in the backyard) make it so unfortunately not possible to attend, OP.

[miranova]

Um, no.  I would be sending my regrets to this one immediately, and I would not be concerned with the fact that I had already RSVP'd.  Anyone who makes demands for food for 25 and tells people "bring a tent" isn't exactly an etiquette maven and I wouldn't be overly concerned that they'd revoke my etiquette card.

[Amara]

Decline, and then if you can't rescind your vacation time plan something really great for that time for you and your family.

[Library Dragon]

I'm not surprised about the tent. Very few people have enough space in their homes to host a large party and have everyone sleepover. This is where I would make sure there was a taxi, and book a hotel room.
Of course, I'd also show up with six bags of chips, a couple bags of butter rolls, and a lotto ticket for the birthday guy.
If I went at all. It would depend on if there was other things to go see while I was there, then it would be a vacation with a brief family event thrown in, as opposed to a potlatch camping trip where I supply food, someone else disappears with my drinks, and I end up cleaning up/babysitting the next day.
It's not too late to have unavoidable circumstances (like sleeping in a tent in the backyard) make it so unfortunately not possible to attend, OP.

POD. I don't camp, but wouldn't expect someone to have room for everyone.  As for the food, my immediate thought was rice and lentil salad.  Inexpensive to make.  Of course the question is, does cousin have room to refrigerate all this food? I would keep a close eye on my drinks.  Yeah, I'd label them, because I'd play the game of everyone being responsible for their own.

If this is something you want to go to for other family members or local attraction go and enjoy. If not you have time to back out.

[sammycat]

Um, no.  I would be sending my regrets to this one immediately, and I would not be concerned with the fact that I had already RSVP'd.  Anyone who makes demands for food for 25 and tells people "bring a tent" isn't exactly an etiquette maven and I wouldn't be overly concerned that they'd revoke my etiquette card.

POD. My DH and boys enjoy camping. I most definitely do not, and wouldn't attend this party for that alone, let alone suddenly being told to bring a dish. I'm usually happy to bring a dish if it's mentioned as part of the original invitation, but the whole attitude of these people just ticks me off.

[cicero]

I'm not surprised about the tent. Very few people have enough space in their homes to host a large party and have everyone sleepover. This is where I would make sure there was a taxi, and book a hotel room.
Of course, I'd also show up with six bags of chips, a couple bags of butter rolls, and a lotto ticket for the birthday guy.
If I went at all. It would depend on if there was other things to go see while I was there, then it would be a vacation with a brief family event thrown in, as opposed to a potlatch camping trip where I supply food, someone else disappears with my drinks, and I end up cleaning up/babysitting the next day.
It's not too late to have unavoidable circumstances (like sleeping in a tent in the backyard) make it so unfortunately not possible to attend, OP.

well obviously this is a "know your family" issue - but i have never been invited to sleep over someone's house and then sent out to sleep in their backyard. If they don't have room - then they shouldn't invite sleepover guests, or they should make it clear in their invite that this will be a bring your own tent deal. I've slept in people's guests' rooms, or their kids' rooms (and the kids bunked with siblings) or in a nearby hotel.

To the OP - you can certainly un RSVP if you don't want to go.

[sammycat]

well obviously this is a "know your family" issue - but i have never been invited to sleep over someone's house and then sent out to sleep in their backyard. If they don't have room - then they shouldn't invite sleepover guests, or they should make it clear in their invite that this will be a bring your own tent deal. I've slept in people's guests' rooms, or their kids' rooms (and the kids bunked with siblings) or in a nearby hotel.

To the OP - you can certainly un RSVP if you don't want to go.
[/quote]

Definitely. I don't mind bunking in with other family members if necessary (it can actually be a lot of fun), but sleeping in a tent in the backyard instead? No thanks.  At the very least, not everyone has camping equipment and/or means of transporting it.

If the hosts of this shindig had been honest at the forefront that would've given people the chance to decline immediately, rather than after they'd gone to the trouble of organising time off, travel etc, and possibly putting them out in terms of money and eating into annual leave that could've been saved for another time.

It sounds like the kids want to get credit for throwing their dad a party without actually doing any work for it.

[Corvid]

Just out of curiosity, does "everyone in your family needs to bring food" mean that you are expected to bring several potluck dishes for 20-25 people?

I would not swallow hard and go, I would tell them sorry, I won't be coming after all.  Too bad if they don't like it, but you don't tell people they're going to have to sleep in a tent (let alone that they have to bring a tent) after an invitation to sleep over is accepted, that's something that needs to be brought up first when the invitation is issued.  Same for the food.  Inviting someone to a potluck is fine, telling someone after they've accepted your invitation to a meal that it's a potluck isn't.

My guess is that they found the party and accommodations more expensive and difficult than they initially expected and this is their solution.

[Carotte]

There's something I have even more trouble understanding than the bait and switch.
Is OP's family the only one to have to bring food for 25 people? Why her? If I'm expected to provide food I should at least get accommodations!

Are more families expected to bring food? How much are they planning on? , enough leftovers to feed them for 3 months?
Because with their logic you either get 8 families (more or less 25 people) bringing food for (8x25=) 200 people, or 2 families bringing food for 50, leaving 6 families who brings nothing. Or one family (OP) to bring for everyone.
Either way the math doesn't add up.

[shhh its me]

There's something I have even more trouble understanding than the bait and switch.
Is OP's family the only one to have to bring food for 25 people? Why her? If I'm expected to provide food I should at least get accommodations!

Are more families expected to bring food? How much are they planning on? , enough leftovers to feed them for 3 months?
Because with their logic you either get 8 families (more or less 25 people) bringing food for (8x25=) 200 people, or 2 families bringing food for 50, leaving 6 families who brings nothing. Or one family (OP) to bring for everyone.
Either way the math doesn't add up.

Well a side dish is just that , one side dish. So I'd expect to to be  family 1 bring potato salad for 25 , family 2 bring baked beans for 25, family 3 to bring cake for 25, so 25 large meals not food for a year. 
IF they would have added one of the requests I might call it a mistake and would likely comply (except for camping )