Author Topic: Would you send a card? Update #28  (Read 3557 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

MamaMootz

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2996
  • I'm a lumberjack and I'm O.K....
Would you send a card? Update #28
« on: May 05, 2014, 09:28:53 AM »
Hi, all,

I'm on the horns of a dilemma regarding my sister in law. My husband and his brother have been Cut Directing each other over the years on and off, and right now we are in a Cut Direct situation. My sister in law is husband's brother's wife.

I just found out from my mother in law (husband and bro's mom) that sister in law just lost her mother last week quite unexpectedly.

I want to send her a sympathy card, but I also don't want to violate the boundaries of the Cut. It's just that losing your mom is very hard, and I like my sister in law - and the constant bickering between brothers doesn't necessarily involve us.

What say you? Send the card or maintain the Cut?

« Last Edit: May 06, 2014, 07:09:20 AM by MamaMootz »
"I like pie" - DD's Patented Bean Dip Maneuver

Outdoor Girl

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 13739
Re: Would you send a card?
« Reply #1 on: May 05, 2014, 09:32:40 AM »
If it was OK with my husband, I'd send a card.  But I wouldn't send it without talking to him first.
I have CDO.  It is like OCD but with the letters in alphabetical order, as they should be.
Ontario

BarensMom

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2632
Re: Would you send a card?
« Reply #2 on: May 05, 2014, 09:33:21 AM »
Send the card.  I think, in this instance, that the death of SIL's mother trumps the cut between the brothers.

alice

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 276
Re: Would you send a card?
« Reply #3 on: May 05, 2014, 09:42:46 AM »
Send it. 

m2kbug

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1460
Re: Would you send a card?
« Reply #4 on: May 05, 2014, 10:02:48 AM »
I think I would send a card.  I'd tell my husband about it.  If he felt that strongly against it, I still think I would still want to send it, as this arguing doesn't really involve you.  I'm wondering, though, how the SIL feels about your brother (and you) and if she's actively upset about whatever your husband did (not placing any blame), it might not be received well, in which case, I don't know that it would be appropriate.  This is a little sticky.  I think you should.

MrTango

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2331
Re: Would you send a card?
« Reply #5 on: May 05, 2014, 10:16:03 AM »
I think you can go ahead and send it.  Just because your husband and his brother are not on speaking terms shouldn't prevent you from expressign sympathy to your SIL.

bopper

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 12329
Re: Would you send a card?
« Reply #6 on: May 05, 2014, 10:26:17 AM »
I would check with my DH first.

Thipu1

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6747
Re: Would you send a card?
« Reply #7 on: May 05, 2014, 10:48:59 AM »
Send the card, MamaMootz.

As you said, you and your SIL get along well.  This has nothing to do with the warring brothers.  Also, in my experience you can never go wrong by offering a condolence when one isn't expected. 

mime

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 704
Re: Would you send a card?
« Reply #8 on: May 05, 2014, 11:14:07 AM »
I'd send the card. I'd also talk to your husband first because you should be on the same page.

I think I'd even see if I could find a card that expressed something about the special situation of a daughter losing her mom. Then the nature of the card itself is one that SIL would understand and you could potentially relate to, but it sort of leaves the husbands out. Then you could sign it for yourself and it becomes a thing just between you and SIL.

If I felt as you do now, where you're wondering if you should or not, then chose to do nothing, a few weeks from now I'd probably regret that decision. I have trouble imagining a situation where extending a simple kindness to someone who is grieving would be a mistake.

Without knowing (or needing to know) the details, I'd also guess that if BIL is so petty that he'll read something into a kind gesture that isn't warranted, then he'd probably also read something into the absence of that gesture as well. If you're worried about what BIL would think, that could very well just be a no-win situation.


JenJay

  • I'm a nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standards of nonconformity.
  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6011
Re: Would you send a card?
« Reply #9 on: May 05, 2014, 11:15:56 AM »
I'd send it.

gramma dishes

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 8090
Re: Would you send a card?
« Reply #10 on: May 05, 2014, 11:23:56 AM »
I'd send the card. I'd also talk to your husband first because you should be on the same page.

I think I'd even see if I could find a card that expressed something about the special situation of a daughter losing her mom. Then the nature of the card itself is one that SIL would understand and you could potentially relate to, but it sort of leaves the husbands out. Then you could sign it for yourself and it becomes a thing just between you and SIL.

If I felt as you do now, where you're wondering if you should or not, then chose to do nothing, a few weeks from now I'd probably regret that decision. I have trouble imagining a situation where extending a simple kindness to someone who is grieving would be a mistake.

Without knowing (or needing to know) the details, I'd also guess that if BIL is so petty that he'll read something into a kind gesture that isn't warranted, then he'd probably also read something into the absence of that gesture as well. If you're worried about what BIL would think, that could very well just be a no-win situation.

I agree with this whole post.

Outdoor Girl

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 13739
Re: Would you send a card?
« Reply #11 on: May 05, 2014, 11:25:37 AM »
I'd send the card. I'd also talk to your husband first because you should be on the same page.

I think I'd even see if I could find a card that expressed something about the special situation of a daughter losing her mom. Then the nature of the card itself is one that SIL would understand and you could potentially relate to, but it sort of leaves the husbands out. Then you could sign it for yourself and it becomes a thing just between you and SIL.

If I felt as you do now, where you're wondering if you should or not, then chose to do nothing, a few weeks from now I'd probably regret that decision. I have trouble imagining a situation where extending a simple kindness to someone who is grieving would be a mistake.

Without knowing (or needing to know) the details, I'd also guess that if BIL is so petty that he'll read something into a kind gesture that isn't warranted, then he'd probably also read something into the absence of that gesture as well. If you're worried about what BIL would think, that could very well just be a no-win situation.

This is how I feel, too.  I wouldn't send it without my husband at least being in the know.  So he's ready if BIL reads something into it and calls his brother to ream him out.  'Why is your wife sending my wife a card?  That's so rude!'   ;D
I have CDO.  It is like OCD but with the letters in alphabetical order, as they should be.
Ontario

shhh its me

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6950
Re: Would you send a card?
« Reply #12 on: May 05, 2014, 11:35:02 AM »
  If SIL had said "never speak to me again." to you and DH and had held to it then I would not send a card (that would be respecting her wishes) and on and off cut by spouses is very different then that. I would send the card.

TootsNYC

  • A Pillar of the Forum
  • *****
  • Posts: 30541
Re: Would you send a card?
« Reply #13 on: May 05, 2014, 11:47:18 AM »
I'd send the card. I'd also talk to your husband first because you should be on the same page.

I think I'd even see if I could find a card that expressed something about the special situation of a daughter losing her mom. Then the nature of the card itself is one that SIL would understand and you could potentially relate to, but it sort of leaves the husbands out. Then you could sign it for yourself and it becomes a thing just between you and SIL.

If I felt as you do now, where you're wondering if you should or not, then chose to do nothing, a few weeks from now I'd probably regret that decision. I have trouble imagining a situation where extending a simple kindness to someone who is grieving would be a mistake.

Without knowing (or needing to know) the details, I'd also guess that if BIL is so petty that he'll read something into a kind gesture that isn't warranted, then he'd probably also read something into the absence of that gesture as well. If you're worried about what BIL would think, that could very well just be a no-win situation.


I'll just stand over here by mime and nod vigorously.

heartmug

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2327
Re: Would you send a card?
« Reply #14 on: May 05, 2014, 12:38:45 PM »
Send that card.  I think you might regret it if you had never reached out to her at this time.  I speak from experience:  losing your mom is so very hard on most daughters.
The trouble is not that the world is full of fools, it's just that lightening isn't distributed right.  - Mark Twain