Would you send a card? Update #28

[Arila]

I also agree with mime -- My thoughts are if that you are considering it and enough to come here and ask, your feelings of reaching out with condolences aren't merely dutiful, and they should be conveyed to the grieving daughter.

[MamaMootz]

Without knowing (or needing to know) the details, I'd also guess that if BIL is so petty that he'll read something into a kind gesture that isn't warranted, then he'd probably also read something into the absence of that gesture as well. If you're worried about what BIL would think, that could very well just be a no-win situation.

OP here.

I would not call BIL petty, but I am darned if I do and darned if I don't send the card, most likely. I don't want SIL to be penalized for it. I can't worry about what BIL will think, because at the end of the day, SIL lost her mom.

I've been asking myself all day long what do I expect to get from this and the answer is, nothing. But I know that I would appreciate if it I were hurting that badly and someone just let me know they were thinking of me.  I lost my mother a long time ago, and it still hurts. And I know SIL and she were very close.

Thank you all for your words of wisdom. I think I'm going to send her the card and talk to DH about it tonight before I mail it.

[cicero]

Without knowing (or needing to know) the details, I'd also guess that if BIL is so petty that he'll read something into a kind gesture that isn't warranted, then he'd probably also read something into the absence of that gesture as well. If you're worried about what BIL would think, that could very well just be a no-win situation.

OP here.

I would not call BIL petty, but this does hit the mark. I'm pretty sure I'm darned if I do or darned if I don't. And I don't want SIL to be penalized for it. I can't worry about what BIL will think, because at the end of the day, SIL lost her mom.

I've been asking myself all day long what do I expect to get from this and the answer is, nothing. But I know that I would appreciate if it I were hurting that badly and someone just let me know they were thinking of me.  I lost my mother a long time ago, and it still hurts. And I know SIL and she were very close.

Thank you all for your words of wisdom. I think I'm going to send her the card and talk to DH about it tonight before I mail it.

Chiming in late but i also would send it. I think this is one of those occassions where you will be sorry later on that if you don't, and you won't be able to get that moment back.

[gellchom]

Still unanimous: do tell your husband, but unless it seems terribly important to him (I would be surprised if it did), write to your sister-in-law.  You might compromise and send it just to her, not to them both (and any children) as you might otherwise have done.

My preference would be to write her a note, not send a printed greeting card -- this is such a close relationship, not just a work colleague or neighbor.  Don't mention the rift in the family, just tell her how sorry you are to hear that she lost her mother, something nice you remember about Mom, how proud you know she was of your SIL, and your sympathies to the whole family.  Four sentences, 10 minutes, and Hallmark can't come close to it.  If you or she really love greeting cards, you can choose one with plenty of empty space and write your message, but stationery or a note card is just as appropriate and more personal.

[Luci]

With mime and her following here, too!

[Hmmmmm]

I'm glad your sending something. Unless your SIL has actively contributed to family drama, I can't imagine not reaching out to her. The brothers drama can remain between them.

[zyrs]

I think I'm going to send her the card and talk to DH about it tonight before I mail it.

I think this is a great decision.

[Mergatroyd]

I'd send it.

[nolechica]

My only hesitancy would be if the brothers' fight impacts MIL and she told you this in part to get them to call a truce.  If not, send away.

[purple]

If it was a proper Cut Direct that was permanent, I'd say don't send it because it's your husband's choice about how relationships with his family should run.

However, in this instance where they are on-again off-again just do whatever you want.  Send it if you want to.  I wouldn't even bother getting 'permission' from your husband in this situation.

**Disclaimer:  It is one of my greatest pet-peeves when people carry on with relatiionships in this on-again off-again fashion.  It's annoying to everybody around them.

[Cuddlepie]

OP, my impression is that you not only want to send a card but feel that it is the right thing to do.

If this is the case, then consider the two regrets.  Regret 1: not sending a card while believing you should and then the regret if SIL is hurt because she felt you did not care.  Or regret 2:  sending a card and SIL and/or BIL being upset about that.

If this were me, I would send a card or note, choosing regret 2, should they (and I dont think they will) be cross that you did so.

[aussie_chick]

Op I know you've already posted that you're going to chat to your DH and send the card but I just wanted to chime in with send it. Speak to your DH first by all means to let him know what you're planning. If he doesn't want to participate, send the card to SIL from you only expressing sympathy at the loss of her mother.

Different situation but in some ways similar...

I was 14 when my mother passed away. I had a falling out with a good friend several months before my mother passed. This friend sent me a card and I felt nothing but gratitude for her kind thoughts. I didn't read anything into it. We never become real friends again but I appreciated that this person, who had spent time with my mother, knew our relationship and knew the hurt I was experiencing acknowledged that on a human level.

[MamaMootz]

My only hesitancy would be if the brothers' fight impacts MIL and she told you this in part to get them to call a truce.  If not, send away.

Yes, MIL is known to be a Flying Monkey at times.. But I don't think she told us this with any ulterior motive.

[MamaMootz]

Updated: spoke with DH about it and he not only thinks we should send a card, but he also wants to sign it.

I'll be mailing it out to her today. Thanks for all the advice, all.

purple, the brothers' relationship is pretty volatile, so this is the way it has been for years.

[TootsNYC]

I would not call BIL petty, but I am darned if I do and darned if I don't send the card, most likely. I don't want SIL to be penalized for it. I can't worry about what BIL will think, because at the end of the day, SIL lost her mom.

what if you used a more private, personal way to reach her? Instead of a card.

Like, a text, or a phone call. Something that won't sit around the house, etc., and be in your BIL's face?

Though, a card could do much the same thing. SIL might find it easy enough to open and set aside. 

I'm so glad your DH feels the same way--it's so nice when you and your spouse agree on emotionally fraught stuff like this.

Oh, and I really agree w/ Cuddlepie's assessment of the risks.
Having BIL upset at you  over this seems like a pretty teeny price to pay. I mean, if he's upset at this, he's a bozo, and you can just roll your eyes.

And I love gellchom's suggestion about a note. You can put the note in a preprinted sympathy card, but I know that I treasured all the personal notes people wrote to me when my mom died.