Author Topic: I'll Do It If I Have To, But Do I Really Have Too?  (Read 3960 times)

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sweetonsno

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Re: I'll Do It If I Have To, But Do I Really Have Too?
« Reply #15 on: May 13, 2014, 02:34:12 AM »
I think that if you want to continue to have a good relationship with your brother, you do have to throw the shower. Family is complicated, and sometimes, being loving and supportive of your family members means doing more than what is required by etiquette.

Millionaire Maria

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Re: I'll Do It If I Have To, But Do I Really Have Too?
« Reply #16 on: May 13, 2014, 03:00:19 AM »
Maria, it seems as if you are determined to dislike Hannah, I'd suggest Boeing out of théowibgbher the baby shower if you feel this way.

You don't know what happened with the second pregnancy, all you know that she lost the first. Doesn't that deserve some compassion?

Well, I am now. I generally do dislike people who manipulate other people into becoming a parent. I don't consider that a character flaw in myself.

Does losing a pregnancy deserve some compassion? In most cases, yes, I'd say that it does. And Hannah was free to open herself to that compassion by admitting that it had actually happened. Her covert reinstatement of her position as my brother's pregnant girlfriend negates any compassion I would have had.

I know the following things, because I heard them from her lips myself: She does not intend to work. Max will be paying all the bills. The first baby was so big that she was getting stretch marks at ten weeks to the point that it was making her insecure. The first baby was healthy at fourteen weeks and big enough that they were able to determine the sex during the sonogram.

I know the following things, because I heard them from Max's lips: She had an episode of bleeding that sent her to the doctor, but apparently there was not enough of a concern to mention it until after she found out about baby number two. She told him that the doctor was "baffled" at how she could have miscarried and gotten pregnant again without knowing it.  She is thrilled to be pregnant again.

This woman, allegedly, miscarried a baby the size of a lemon, during an episode of bleeding, and had no idea that anything was wrong until enough time had passed that she was pregnant again.

I don't know everything, but believe me, I know enough.
People everywhere enjoy believing in things they know are not true. It spares them the ordeal of thinking for themselves and taking responsibility for what they know. –Brooks Atkinson

dirtyweasel

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Re: I'll Do It If I Have To, But Do I Really Have Too?
« Reply #17 on: May 13, 2014, 03:30:25 AM »
For the sake of family harmony and keeping a good relationship with your brother I suggest you keep your opinions to yourself and throw the shower.  It doesn't have to be an extravagant affair, but you did promise her you would throw her one and regardless of how you feel your brother is with her and they are having a child together (your niece/nephew).

I have a niece and a nephew that were the product of someone getting pregnant on "purpose" and at the end of the day it doesn't matter what I think of their mother because my love for them is the only thing that matters. 



aussie_chick

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Re: I'll Do It If I Have To, But Do I Really Have Too?
« Reply #18 on: May 13, 2014, 04:03:13 AM »
Maria, it seems as if you are determined to dislike Hannah, I'd suggest Boeing out of théowibgbher the baby shower if you feel this way.

You don't know what happened with the second pregnancy, all you know that she lost the first. Doesn't that deserve some compassion?

Well, I am now. I generally do dislike people who manipulate other people into becoming a parent. I don't consider that a character flaw in myself.

Does losing a pregnancy deserve some compassion? In most cases, yes, I'd say that it does. And Hannah was free to open herself to that compassion by admitting that it had actually happened. Her covert reinstatement of her position as my brother's pregnant girlfriend negates any compassion I would have had.

I know the following things, because I heard them from her lips myself: She does not intend to work. Max will be paying all the bills. The first baby was so big that she was getting stretch marks at ten weeks to the point that it was making her insecure. The first baby was healthy at fourteen weeks and big enough that they were able to determine the sex during the sonogram.

I know the following things, because I heard them from Max's lips: She had an episode of bleeding that sent her to the doctor, but apparently there was not enough of a concern to mention it until after she found out about baby number two. She told him that the doctor was "baffled" at how she could have miscarried and gotten pregnant again without knowing it.  She is thrilled to be pregnant again.

This woman, allegedly, miscarried a baby the size of a lemon, during an episode of bleeding, and had no idea that anything was wrong until enough time had passed that she was pregnant again.

I don't know everything, but believe me, I know enough.

Op this situation has obviously caused you much concern and worry for your brother.
I think from an etiquette stand point you are obliged to throw the shower you offered.
From a relationship perspective, if you want to have a role in your brother's life and also his child's life then you need to support your brother's right to make choices about how he lives his life. This girl does not sound too likeable and morally sounds questionable at best. I think you need to be very careful about suggesting anything untoward about her to your brother or anyone else - this may alienate him and severely damage your relationship.
I don't think anyone is questioning your reasons for not liking this girl. I just think you need to consider the potential impact of making that feeling too obvious.
Maybe now is the time to do nothing... Just sit back and see what happens and then when the time comes, throw the shower you offered. 

One Fish, Two Fish

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Re: I'll Do It If I Have To, But Do I Really Have Too?
« Reply #19 on: May 13, 2014, 05:53:26 AM »
I admit that it's strange.  You saw the first sonogram images?  Could she have been falsifying it?

Back to the etiquette issue, throw the baby shower. Look at it from the standpoint that the shower is for the baby. 
I'll get there.  Eventually.

Sharnita

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Re: I'll Do It If I Have To, But Do I Really Have Too?
« Reply #20 on: May 13, 2014, 05:57:30 AM »
You also know you aren't her treating physician, right?
And it doesn't sound like you are qualified to diagnose or treat psychological or mental illness or disease.

As far as "not working", she won't have an income but if she's a stay at home mom, she'll work. 

Your brother is an adult who is hearing what you are hearing and for whatever reasons he chooses this woman.  If you want to be angry at somebody,  direct a little of your anger his way.

In the meantime,  keep a distance from them because it sounds like being civil would be a challenge.

YummyMummy66

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Re: I'll Do It If I Have To, But Do I Really Have Too?
« Reply #21 on: May 13, 2014, 07:58:07 AM »
Ok, people, let's get off the subject of how the OP feels about her brother's girlfriend. 

Like many, there seems to be more to the background of this woman than we are privvy too.   The OP is not the woman's doctor, she was only stating what she heard from the woman's lips herself or her brother's lips.   And it sounds like most of what the woman says is bull, expects everyone to believe her, but we all know it is bull crap.  Yep, my husband's brother's girlfriend is exactly like that.  He falls for everything she says.  We all know it is bunk, but we say nothing.  She is his choice and he has to live with her.  We are polite whenever around her, but seriously, if you all sat with us one day at the kitchen table at one of our family gatherings, you all would want to Female Dog slap her too!

Ok, as for the OP's question, you offered a baby shower and you should go through with what you offered to do.
It does not matter if this is baby number one or two.  It does not matter that she is a total brainfart. 

What matters is this is your future brother's child and will be your niece or nephew.


"Well, I am now. I generally do dislike people who manipulate other people into becoming a parent."

Regarding this statement from you OP, I understand where you are coming from and what you mean, but honestly, no one forced your brother into dropping his pants and doing the deed.  When doing so, he knew that becoming a parent could happen. 

MindsEye

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Re: I'll Do It If I Have To, But Do I Really Have Too?
« Reply #22 on: May 13, 2014, 08:24:48 AM »
OP, I am going to go slightly against the grain and suggest that you find some plausible and acceptable-to-family reason why you can no longer host a shower. 

Maybe you are having a money crunch?  Maybe your schedule changed and you now work on weekends?  Maybe your kid(s) are in a sports league which means that weekends from here to eternity are being held for practices and games?  Whatever.

It is obvious that you despise this woman. 

I do not think that you should host a shower because I am not sure that you will be able to hide your feelings enough to not cause a serious rift between you and your brother.

In the meantime,  keep a distance from them because it sounds like being civil would be a challenge.

This.

Wordgeek

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Re: I'll Do It If I Have To, But Do I Really Have Too?
« Reply #23 on: May 13, 2014, 08:47:23 AM »
Insofar as this pertains to etiquette, the matter has been adequately addressed.