Author Topic: Everybody works here!  (Read 19681 times)

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wolfie

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Re: Everybody works here!
« Reply #150 on: May 19, 2014, 03:12:12 PM »
I agree w/ you that this is how it ought to be defined.

But the OP did mention that if they have tomatoes at lunch, Matriarch and Daughter go on and on about how much work gardening is, and there's an implication, if not an outright statement, that by eating the vegetables, the OP is obligated to maintain the garden.

So I think it's a valid observation that this is the dynamic the OP is dealing with. However unreasonable it is.

I object to your term "Matriarch". It is obvious that the MIL is not considered by the OP to be her female head of the family.

TootsNYC

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Re: Everybody works here!
« Reply #151 on: May 19, 2014, 03:16:58 PM »
Well, she thinks she is.

wolfie

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Re: Everybody works here!
« Reply #152 on: May 19, 2014, 03:19:35 PM »
Well, she thinks she is.

Just because someone thinks something doesn't mean it is true. I could think I was the queen of England but I doubt anyone else would call me "your majesty", unless it was part of a treatment plan.

Calling her would feed into her delusion that she has a right to make those kinds of requests and expectations.

buvezdevin

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Re: Everybody works here!
« Reply #153 on: May 19, 2014, 03:21:23 PM »
Well, in this case, the bad news can be the good news.

Much like OP's MIL giving the silent treatment is less a punishment than an appreciated respite - OP and her husband can use the family's perception of "use of the vacation home" including any time they step on the property *as* the reason for never visiting there again.

"As we told you before you bought the property, we aren't interested in using it, nor working on it.  Now it has become clear that when we try to visit you there, everybody views it as our use of the place, and obligated to do work - so, we will skip any use of the property.  Let us know when you would like to visit us anywhere *except* the vacation home - you may enjoy a break from chores!"
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miranova

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Re: Everybody works here!
« Reply #154 on: May 19, 2014, 03:32:05 PM »


But the OP did mention that if they have tomatoes at lunch, Matriarch and Daughter go on and on about how much work gardening is, and there's an implication, if not an outright statement, that by eating the vegetables, the OP is obligated to maintain the garden.


This would be more annoying to me than the rest of it, honestly.  If you don't want me to eat your precious tomatoes, don't serve them to me.  Good grief.  I know we are in agreement here, I was just using your post to comment on the tomatoes.

jedikaiti

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Re: Everybody works here!
« Reply #155 on: May 19, 2014, 04:04:06 PM »
Another one of those situations in which I wonder if the person who is "punishing" someone by giving them the silent treatment isn't actually a little confused.

I think if I were the OP or her DH, I'd be relieved to be given the silent treatment.

Oh good, I'm not the only one who thought that.
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Lynn2000

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Re: Everybody works here!
« Reply #156 on: May 19, 2014, 04:10:04 PM »
Well, in this case, the bad news can be the good news.

Much like OP's MIL giving the silent treatment is less a punishment than an appreciated respite - OP and her husband can use the family's perception of "use of the vacation home" including any time they step on the property *as* the reason for never visiting there again.

"As we told you before you bought the property, we aren't interested in using it, nor working on it.  Now it has become clear that when we try to visit you there, everybody views it as our use of the place, and obligated to do work - so, we will skip any use of the property.  Let us know when you would like to visit us anywhere *except* the vacation home - you may enjoy a break from chores!"

POD. In this case I wouldn't consider it so much JADE-ing as "clearing the air."

We mistakenly thought X, we've now realized you guys all see it as Y, so we're not going to do it at all anymore. Thus, no more hard feelings or confusion, right? I would play it as cheerful and upbeat--like, so everyone should be happy now! :) :) And then I would take a very long break from the family and their drama.
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Sophia

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Re: Everybody works here!
« Reply #157 on: May 19, 2014, 04:11:08 PM »
The part that sticks with me is that Matriarch is sitting down for all this. 

PastryGoddess

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Re: Everybody works here!
« Reply #158 on: May 19, 2014, 04:34:01 PM »
So how did this weekend go?



Just wanted to clear a few things up - we don't stay the night there.  We have too many animals at home to do that, so we make it all in one day.  We also don't go empty handed, MIL usually requests stuff and will also call while we are driving and ask us to swing by the store for her.  Going there is not simple, we don't just shell  out gas money, we pay for a lot. 



Well there you have it, they aren't even being fed or given a place to sleep!  I think anyone claiming that they are getting any use out of the house is completely disingenuous. 

I don't think anyone was claiming that OP was getting use out of the house.  In fact most of us realize it's not the case. 

However, people are saying that the in-laws perception is that they are using the house simply because they show up when invited and therefore are required to help with the upkeep.

NyaChan

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Re: Everybody works here!
« Reply #159 on: May 19, 2014, 04:43:05 PM »
So how did this weekend go?



Just wanted to clear a few things up - we don't stay the night there.  We have too many animals at home to do that, so we make it all in one day.  We also don't go empty handed, MIL usually requests stuff and will also call while we are driving and ask us to swing by the store for her.  Going there is not simple, we don't just shell  out gas money, we pay for a lot. 



Well there you have it, they aren't even being fed or given a place to sleep!  I think anyone claiming that they are getting any use out of the house is completely disingenuous. 

I don't think anyone was claiming that OP was getting use out of the house.  In fact most of us realize it's not the case. 

However, people are saying that the in-laws perception is that they are using the house simply because they show up when invited and therefore are required to help with the upkeep.

The point we are making is that regardless of whether us reasonable folk on ehell think it is reasonable or unreasonable, OP is not going to convince MiL of it.  Sometimes you Have to accept that you aren't going to change someone's mind and just operate within their version of reality - in this case, MIL doesn't consider the fact that OP was invited to come rather than going to use the place on her own in her determination of who should work. Prescence on property = use of property. THat won't change no matter how they explain it, so accept it and change your behavior to get the result you need. Lessen the PA comments/getting put to work/being perceived as freeloaders goes away if you stop going there altogether
« Last Edit: May 19, 2014, 04:45:26 PM by NyaChan »

LadyL

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Re: Everybody works here!
« Reply #160 on: May 19, 2014, 06:40:43 PM »

 Sometimes you Have to accept that you aren't going to change someone's mind and just operate within their version of reality

 accept it and change your behavior to get the result you need.

These are wise words. This situation is only one step to the left of invoking the "don't engage the crazy" rule.

miranova

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Re: Everybody works here!
« Reply #161 on: May 19, 2014, 07:12:52 PM »
I am not advocating trying to change  MIL's mind in the slightest.  I am simply saying I don't buy that this is her true perception.  I think it's a carefully constructed manipulative tactic.  Manipulators use it often...get someone to feel false guilt over something they darn well know they shouldn't feel guilty over just to get what they want out of them (in this case, help).  I am not saying OP should change the perception or even care about it really....I'm just saying I don't even believe that deep down MIL thinks that this family is getting anything out of it.  I think saying so is simply a tactic.

And I agree with staying home.

JoyinVirginia

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Re: Everybody works here!
« Reply #162 on: May 19, 2014, 09:13:14 PM »
Another one of those situations in which I wonder if the person who is "punishing" someone by giving them the silent treatment isn't actually a little confused.

I think if I were the OP or her DH, I'd be relieved to be given the silent treatment.

Oh good, I'm not the only one who thought that.
I agree with this opinion! Enjoy the silent treatment!