Paying for the school musical

[purple]

I also agree with the consensus.

Proper invitation = host pays.
Notification = everyone pays for themselves.

[JenJay]

Thanks for the quick responses.

I never offered to pay, she just immediately reminded me what her philosophy is so I wouldn't think she'd be paying. After she made that clear, I figured I had no real choice but to keep things civil by splitting the diff -- paying for the first night, and telling her she's on her own for the second night.

Her attendance at these things with our family is just assumed, and most events don't cost money, so I guess it hasn't come up before.

Personally, I wouldn't invite her to any more paid events. Her rationale doesn't make any sense to me. If you called her up and said "DD's event will be Date at Time and we'd love for you to join us. Can I get you a ticket?" Fine. I can't imagine ever saying to anyone "Hey, I want to go to that thing but I have this policy against paying for stuff if *circumstance* so I'll need you to pay." Um no.

Be ready for when she find out there was an event and you didn't invite her. Something like "I know how you feel about paying for school things, and we weren't able to cover you, so I didn't want to put you on the spot by asking."

[Oh Joy]

How about this approach? 

'I know!  These ticket prices for kids' shows are completely out of hand!   I have to go - I'm her mom - but you certainly don't.  You're such a steady presence in her life that she's not going to mind if you don't go to the paid events.  I'll be sure to show you the pictures of her in her costume.'

Delivered breezily in your own words, of course.

[LifeOnPluto]

My first reaction is that your friend is being a little... tacky and demanding, in expecting you to pay for her tickets. Then I read this:

You say that she is a generous friend.  Should I take that to mean that she brings treats for your daughter and gives her presents and/or money on birthdays and other gift giving holidays?

If that is the case, then I think you should pay for the extra ticket and count yourself lucky to have a friend who is so positivley invested in your child.  Think of it as creating your own VIP list.

If we were talking about tickets that cost a hundred dollars, i might advise differently just because of the burden of the cost, but at $15-$30 you are essentially arguing a principle with her. Let her "win." Sometimes what we gain by letting someone else win is far greater than what we would have if we "won."

If she's generous in other areas, I'd spring $10-$15 for a ticket (only for the first night though - I think paying for the same show twice is a bit much).

That said, I don't think you'd be rude in nicely telling her that everyone pays for their own ticket, and you'll understand if she prefers to skip the paid events in future.

[Sweetling]

I was touched by JoieGirl7's post too. BFF does deserve a win.

But we're generous too. BFF eats a lot of home-cooked gourmet food here, and DH sometimes helps fix things at her house. It's a real friendship - there's a lot of giving on all sides.

If I do pay for both nights, I think I will tell her that the second night is a gift, not to be a permanent expectation.

[aussie_chick]

If I feel like i've been invited to something i'm expected to attend - e.g more of a summons than an invite then sure I expect the parents to pay. Likewise if I get the old "oh but you have to go. Little Johnny will be devastated if cool aunty aussie_chick isn't there"
If it's something I ask if I can go to or inform that i'm going to because I really want to, then I pay.

[Sweetling]

It's kind of a mutual ongoing thing. We assume she'll come to nearly everything because she absolutely, positively wants to see my girl's events. So far, most of them have been free.

[DianeRN]

First, I think some people are thinking of a different type of show. Most shows that are all or most kids, like the Christmas pageant, are generally still free. The OP is talking about a full production with stages, sets, months of rehearsals. Those usually have a fairly reasonable charge.

Second, my niece and nephews live two hours away. When we go down for their shows, sporting events, whatever, we always pay our own way. Sometimes, my BIL tries to pay but we feel that it our choice to be there because we love seeing the kids and it shouldn't cost them for our admissions.

[etiquettenut]

You say that she is a generous friend.  Should I take that to mean that she brings treats for your daughter and gives her presents and/or money on birthdays and other gift giving holidays?

If that is the case, then I think you should pay for the extra ticket and count yourself lucky to have a friend who is so positivley invested in your child.  Think of it as creating your own VIP list.

If we were talking about tickets that cost a hundred dollars, i might advise differently just because of the burden of the cost, but at $15-$30 you are essentially arguing a principle with her. Let her "win." Sometimes what we gain by letting someone else win is far greater than what we would have if we "won."

I actually disagree with this because of the principle. This is not a one time deal; similar opportunities will only increase as the OP's child gets older. Should the OP be on the hook for paying for everything her BFF wants to attend? I think that this sets a dangerous precedent.

I also think BFF is completely off here and have never heard of her philosophy. Sure, if OP was inviting her I could see her expecting her ticket to be paid for. But the OP didn't invite her, she invited herself and then announced OP can pay for her. I think she was pretty rude actually. And a second show? No way!

I would go with the "different philosophies" wording from above because I think this is something that should be addressed since it will probably keep coming up in the future.

[shhh its me]

My first reaction is that your friend is being a little... tacky and demanding, in expecting you to pay for her tickets. Then I read this:

You say that she is a generous friend.  Should I take that to mean that she brings treats for your daughter and gives her presents and/or money on birthdays and other gift giving holidays?

If that is the case, then I think you should pay for the extra ticket and count yourself lucky to have a friend who is so positivley invested in your child.  Think of it as creating your own VIP list.

If we were talking about tickets that cost a hundred dollars, i might advise differently just because of the burden of the cost, but at $15-$30 you are essentially arguing a principle with her. Let her "win." Sometimes what we gain by letting someone else win is far greater than what we would have if we "won."

If she's generous in other areas, I'd spring $10-$15 for a ticket (only for the first night though - I think paying for the same show twice is a bit much).

That said, I don't think you'd be rude in nicely telling her that everyone pays for their own ticket, and you'll understand if she prefers to skip the paid events in future.

I still think she's being rude and demanding and completely wrong  BUT friends stance on this is a known " quirk" so I think that mitigates it a little. Not in the sense that making your owns rules well know makes it polite but in the sense that you have the opportunity to just not invite her. 

Plus with everyone we have to weigh whether they are "worth putting up with their quirks" OP likes friend enough to tolerate this quirk.

[Harriet Jones]

I find the friend's philosophy a little off, too -- she invites herself to the event and expects the OP to pay for her.  Since there does seem to be a lot of reciprocity in the relationship, I don't see any problem with paying for the first night's ticket only.

Also, since this is something that's likely to continue, the OP should make it clear up front to the friend exactly what she is willing to pay for.

[Owly]

It's kind of a mutual ongoing thing. We assume she'll come to nearly everything because she absolutely, positively wants to see my girl's events. So far, most of them have been free.

Wow, no, I'm sorry. No matter how close you are or how generous she is, it's way over the top to basically be telling you that she's going to be attending all of your daughter's events on your dime. I would nip this in the bud now, I can't believe how entitled it is. I'd tell her I'd treat her this time, to one show, but it's not in my budget to pay for her to go to every event, and if that means she chooses not to go I'll totally understand. Since she is so close, I think you can be upfront about how (as others have said) your philosophies differ.

I'd still invite her once in awhile when I could afford to pay (and wanted to), otherwise she would be on her own.

[TootsNYC]

You say that she is a generous friend.  Should I take that to mean that she brings treats for your daughter and gives her presents and/or money on birthdays and other gift giving holidays?

If that is the case, then I think you should pay for the extra ticket and count yourself lucky to have a friend who is so positivley invested in your child.  Think of it as creating your own VIP list.

If we were talking about tickets that cost a hundred dollars, i might advise differently just because of the burden of the cost, but at $15-$30 you are essentially arguing a principle with her. Let her "win." Sometimes what we gain by letting someone else win is far greater than what we would have if we "won."

I actually disagree with this because of the principle. This is not a one time deal; similar opportunities will only increase as the OP's child gets older. Should the OP be on the hook for paying for everything her BFF wants to attend? I think that this sets a dangerous precedent.

I also think BFF is completely off here and have never heard of her philosophy. Sure, if OP was inviting her I could see her expecting her ticket to be paid for. But the OP didn't invite her, she invited herself and then announced OP can pay for her. I think she was pretty rude actually. And a second show? No way!

I would go with the "different philosophies" wording from above because I think this is something that should be addressed since it will probably keep coming up in the future.

I am glad I'm not the only one having this reaction!

I think the principle would be enough for me to say, "You know, I don't agree with you. I know it's only $15, but it's also only $15 for you. And it's not the money. We aren't pressuring you to attend. If you want to come, you should come. I don't like feeling that I am purchasing your friendship for our daughters."


(I also think that getting an invitation that is more like a summons, or  getting a guilt trip, has -nothing- to do with whether you buy your own ticket. I believe that unless you are explicitly invited, you pay your own way. Period. Being able to resist a guilt trip is part of being a grownup; and if you aren't able to do it, well, consider that a practice round, with an built-in negative reinforcer.)

[KarenK]

While I'm torn on paying for the Friday show, I absolutely would not pay for the Saturday show. No way, no how. That is a choice that BFF has made to attend more than one show.

I might pay for the Friday show, but sit down with her and let her know that this is the last time I will be doing this. As the OP's daughter gets older, and if she continues to perform, it could start getting really pricy to be covering tickets for the performances.

See, I think BFF has overplayed her hand. The OP sort of expects to pay for her ticket when she goes with them, but by demanding that they pay for the Saturday ticket too, she has pushed too far. This might result in the cessation of ticket coverage for good.

[JenJay]

I can appreciate that it might be difficult for OP to completely stop inviting BFF to paid events since everyone wants BFF there and they all have a good time. It's a little bit of the old "cut off your nose to spite your face". If OP and her DD didn't care whether BFF attended that would be one thing, but they do.

Maybe a good compromise would be, if DD is featured in the performance and really wants her Aunt there, Mom and Dad can invite Aunt and buy her ticket. However, when that's not the case, they don't. I would imagine there are times when DD has a small part or is part of an ensemble and it wouldn't be a big deal to her if only Mom and Dad were there to watch.

I would be upfront with BFF about the compromise so she knows where everyone's expectations are and there are no hurt feelings when she isn't invited to (and hosted for) every performance. Something like "I've been giving the school performance issue a lot of thought. On the one hand we agree that the price of a ticket isn't very expensive, but on the other, just as you feel you shouldn't have to purchase your tickets, we don't feel that we should have to purchase all of them, either. Lets do this- I'll still let you know about all of the free performances but from now on when DD has a ticketed performance we'll only invite you to the ones she's featured in, at our expense, and you can skip the ones she's not. As for the upcoming event, we're happy to get your ticket to join us on Friday but if you want to be there Saturday, too, you'll have to get your own."