Author Topic: Paying for the school musical  (Read 9230 times)

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JenJay

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Re: Paying for the school musical
« Reply #30 on: May 07, 2014, 09:17:57 AM »
I can appreciate that it might be difficult for OP to completely stop inviting BFF to paid events since everyone wants BFF there and they all have a good time. It's a little bit of the old "cut off your nose to spite your face". If OP and her DD didn't care whether BFF attended that would be one thing, but they do.

Maybe a good compromise would be, if DD is featured in the performance and really wants her Aunt there, Mom and Dad can invite Aunt and buy her ticket. However, when that's not the case, they don't. I would imagine there are times when DD has a small part or is part of an ensemble and it wouldn't be a big deal to her if only Mom and Dad were there to watch.

I would be upfront with BFF about the compromise so she knows where everyone's expectations are and there are no hurt feelings when she isn't invited to (and hosted for) every performance. Something like "I've been giving the school performance issue a lot of thought. On the one hand we agree that the price of a ticket isn't very expensive, but on the other, just as you feel you shouldn't have to purchase your tickets, we don't feel that we should have to purchase all of them, either. Lets do this- I'll still let you know about all of the free performances but from now on when DD has a ticketed performance we'll only invite you to the ones she's featured in, at our expense, and you can skip the ones she's not. As for the upcoming event, we're happy to get your ticket to join us on Friday but if you want to be there Saturday, too, you'll have to get your own."

TootsNYC

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Re: Paying for the school musical
« Reply #31 on: May 07, 2014, 09:22:08 AM »

Maybe a good compromise would be, if DD is featured in the performance and really wants her Aunt there, Mom and Dad can invite Aunt and buy her ticket. However, when that's not the case, they don't. I would imagine there are times when DD has a small part or is part of an ensemble and it wouldn't be a big deal to her if only Mom and Dad were there to watch.

I would be upfront with BFF about the compromise so she knows where everyone's expectations are and there are no hurt feelings when she isn't invited to (and hosted for) every performance. Something like "I've been giving the school performance issue a lot of thought. On the one hand we agree that the price of a ticket isn't very expensive, but on the other, just as you feel you shouldn't have to purchase your tickets, we don't feel that we should have to purchase all of them, either. Lets do this- I'll still let you know about all of the free performances but from now on when DD has a ticketed performance we'll only invite you to the ones she's featured in, at our expense, and you can skip the ones she's not. As for the upcoming event, we're happy to get your ticket to join us on Friday but if you want to be there Saturday, too, you'll have to get your own."

I like this approach. I don't know that I'd make a big speech, but I might try to be very careful to use proper "inviting" language. Basically, "role-play" proper invitation behavior.

"We'd like to invite you to come see the show as our guest. We're going on Friday, and we'd love to have you join us, our treat."

And, conversely, "Oh, were you going to go to the play too?" Or, "were you aware that the school's play is this coming weekend? If you decide you'd like to go to the show, tickets are $15."

JenJay

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Re: Paying for the school musical
« Reply #32 on: May 07, 2014, 09:34:53 AM »

Maybe a good compromise would be, if DD is featured in the performance and really wants her Aunt there, Mom and Dad can invite Aunt and buy her ticket. However, when that's not the case, they don't. I would imagine there are times when DD has a small part or is part of an ensemble and it wouldn't be a big deal to her if only Mom and Dad were there to watch.

I would be upfront with BFF about the compromise so she knows where everyone's expectations are and there are no hurt feelings when she isn't invited to (and hosted for) every performance. Something like "I've been giving the school performance issue a lot of thought. On the one hand we agree that the price of a ticket isn't very expensive, but on the other, just as you feel you shouldn't have to purchase your tickets, we don't feel that we should have to purchase all of them, either. Lets do this- I'll still let you know about all of the free performances but from now on when DD has a ticketed performance we'll only invite you to the ones she's featured in, at our expense, and you can skip the ones she's not. As for the upcoming event, we're happy to get your ticket to join us on Friday but if you want to be there Saturday, too, you'll have to get your own."

I like this approach. I don't know that I'd make a big speech, but I might try to be very careful to use proper "inviting" language. Basically, "role-play" proper invitation behavior.

"We'd like to invite you to come see the show as our guest. We're going on Friday, and we'd love to have you join us, our treat."

And, conversely, "Oh, were you going to go to the play too?" Or, "were you aware that the school's play is this coming weekend? If you decide you'd like to go to the show, tickets are $15."

I wouldn't make a speech, either (I was thinking of my response more as an email than a verbal statement, I guess), but I would let her know that I'm responding to her expectation/request by changing our long-held tradition that she be invited to everything my child did.

I think, in the long run, speaking up right now would spare a lot of confusion and hurt feelings later. This friend has made it known that she expects her friends to purchase her tickets for their kids' stuff, so I think if you were to say "If you decide you'd like to go to the show, tickets are $15." she'd probably come back with "I'd love to go! But remember that you need to buy my ticket. We talked about that." I'd lay it out there now that it ain't gonna happen.  ;)

lowspark

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Re: Paying for the school musical
« Reply #33 on: May 07, 2014, 09:53:57 AM »
When BFF is invited to her niece's ballet recitals 1.5 hours away, she is adamant that she should not have to pay to see the show. I understand this: she has to travel and then suffer through the other children's "talent." And she has to be around her unpleasant brother. It's not about the money per se - she's not rich, but she can afford to pay. It's the principle. They're inviting her, it's a schlep, they should cover some costs.

Rereading your paragraph above, it sounds like you are trying to somehow figure out a justification for her expectation when it comes to her family events. But the thing is, those conditions don't apply when it comes to your daughter's show. So it's totally not about that.

It's just some arbitrary rule that she has come up with for whatever justification she has in her own mind. But it is most certainly not the norm by any stretch of the imagination.

It seems to me that what she is doing is saying, "I'll come to the show, but only as a favor to you, and as such, you'll need to cover my costs." So... is her attendance a favor to you? Because from your description, it's apparently a reciprocal friendship, you do things for her, she does things for you, and it all evens out. She appears to be saying that attending your daughter's show is over and above what she might consider the ordinary give and take of the friendship.

Now, that's perfectly fine for her to feel that way. I know that sitting through those shows when my own kids were in them was ok, but I wouldn't have exactly been thrilled to sit through them for friends' kids, whereas, going to friends' kids birthday parties, for example, would be normal and expected. In other words, sitting through recitals and plays of other people's kids really can be seen as "over and above".

I think it's totally presumptuous of her to expect you to pay, and to come right out and ask for you to pay. But I can also see her thinking that she is sort of making a sacrifice by sitting through it as a gesture of friendship. Although why she feels like she needs to go to both nights is beyond me!

I think I might have a chat with her about this before the precedent gets set for life.
Friend, I will be happy to pay for you for Friday night only, for this event only. Please don't feel obligated in any way to come to the Saturday night show. And please understand that we really can't pay for you to attend all future events so whenever it's a paid event, we'll completely understand if you decline to attend.

jmarvellous

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Re: Paying for the school musical
« Reply #34 on: May 07, 2014, 10:23:59 AM »
I just want to clarify one thing: Did the OP really ask her facebook what they thought about her BFF's behavior?

If so, I think she owes her a big favor or ten for publicly calling out what's likely a recognizable quirk and a matter that's just between best friends, and possibly an apology, too. It strikes me as rude.

(Otherwise, I agree with the majority: Pay this time, for 1 night only, and let her know that your expectations are different and that going forward, you'll let her know about the performances, but she'll be on her own for ticket prices.)

rose red

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Re: Paying for the school musical
« Reply #35 on: May 07, 2014, 10:57:52 AM »
*snip*

It seems to me that what she is doing is saying, "I'll come to the show, but only as a favor to you, and as such, you'll need to cover my costs." So... is her attendance a favor to you? Because from your description, it's apparently a reciprocal friendship, you do things for her, she does things for you, and it all evens out. She appears to be saying that attending your daughter's show is over and above what she might consider the ordinary give and take of the friendship.

I couldn't put my finger on it, but this is how I read it and it left a bad taste in my mouth. Like watching your daughter is a burden but she will suffer though it and grace your family with her presence since you're paying. Don't get me wrong, I won't pay $15 for my friend's children's shows either. But I won't demand my friend paying for me. I'll simply tell them I can't make it.

So if she really wants to go, it's on her to pay for her ticket. If you want her there, I can see why you would pay. If you don't care if she's there or not, tell her you understand and you'll miss her.

gramma dishes

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Re: Paying for the school musical
« Reply #36 on: May 07, 2014, 11:02:53 AM »


...   I would be upfront with BFF about the compromise so she knows where everyone's expectations are and there are no hurt feelings when she isn't invited to (and hosted for) every performance. Something like "I've been giving the school performance issue a lot of thought. ... Lets do this- I'll still let you know about all of the free performances but from now on when DD has a ticketed performance we'll only invite you to the ones she's featured in, at our expense, and you can skip the ones she's not. As for the upcoming event, we're happy to get your ticket to join us on Friday but if you want to be there Saturday, too, you'll have to get your own."

I like this. It's honest, to the point, spells out the deal, yet is still inclusive of Fake Aunt.

TootsNYC

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Re: Paying for the school musical
« Reply #37 on: May 07, 2014, 11:03:22 AM »
*snip*

It seems to me that what she is doing is saying, "I'll come to the show, but only as a favor to you, and as such, you'll need to cover my costs." So... is her attendance a favor to you? Because from your description, it's apparently a reciprocal friendship, you do things for her, she does things for you, and it all evens out. She appears to be saying that attending your daughter's show is over and above what she might consider the ordinary give and take of the friendship.

I couldn't put my finger on it, but this is how I read it and it left a bad taste in my mouth. Like watching your daughter is a burden but she will suffer though it and grace your family with her presence since you're paying. Don't get me wrong, I won't pay $15 for my friend's children's shows either. But I won't demand my friend paying for me. I'll simply tell them I can't make it.

So if she really wants to go, it's on her to pay for her ticket. If you want her there, I can see why you would pay. If you don't care if she's there or not, tell her you understand and you'll miss her.

Yes! This is what I was trying to get at earlier.

bopper

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Re: Paying for the school musical
« Reply #38 on: May 07, 2014, 11:04:52 AM »
Buy the ticket and be happy your DD has an honorary Aunt.

YummyMummy66

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Re: Paying for the school musical
« Reply #39 on: May 07, 2014, 11:05:22 AM »
I was touched by JoieGirl7's post too. BFF does deserve a win.

But we're generous too. BFF eats a lot of home-cooked gourmet food here, and DH sometimes helps fix things at her house. It's a real friendship - there's a lot of giving on all sides.

If I do pay for both nights, I think I will tell her that the second night is a gift, not to be a permanent expectation.

If this is just starting with you and your BFF, then I think you need to decide how you want to handle this in the future.  How do you feel about paying for her to attend all of your children's events that require an admission fee?   If you don't mind paying, (whether or not you can afford to do so), then no problem.   If this is not a precedent you want to start, then don't pay for Saturday.

You should discuss this now with her.  BFF, this may be your stance on these things, where you do not want to pay for your ticket, but my stance is that if you want to attend, I don't feel that I should have to pay for your ticket.  You can either attend or not, that is your choice, but if you do, you will be buying your own ticket. 

JoieGirl7

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Re: Paying for the school musical
« Reply #40 on: May 07, 2014, 11:07:53 AM »
When I was in school and my kids were in school, it was customary for parents to receive at least two comp tickets.  I can't imagine that parents would pay to attend their own child's recital given that they pay for the lessons.

So, I don't think its really accurate to treat these types of events the same way you would a ball game.

If someone has a lot of nieces and nephews it could get very pricey really quickly attending all sorts of these events so I can see her point but particularly if the person reguarly spoils the child/children.

No matter what, it does seem that the parents are getting the better deal by having someone invested in their child in this way.  I understand in the OPs case that this person is at her table every week and the OPs husband does favors for her--- i don't know if the reciprocation for that is only in regards to the child.

I just think it should be considered that we might not be talking about buying tickets for three people but only one.

Coley

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Re: Paying for the school musical
« Reply #41 on: May 07, 2014, 11:12:24 AM »
I think the OP needs to decide what her own principles and boundaries are where BFF is concerned.

All other things being equal in the relationship, does buying BFF's ticket for the DD's event throw the relationship out of balance? Would the OP feel resentful now or over time about BFF's stance on paying her own admission to these events? Does the OP want BFF there -- is it expected -- or is the BFF inviting herself? Is having BFF at the event worth as much or more than the cost of the ticket? That's up to the OP to decide.

If the OP wants to set some boundaries for paying BFF's admission, I like TootsNYC's suggestion of being clear with the invitation:

... snip ... I might try to be very careful to use proper "inviting" language. Basically, "role-play" proper invitation behavior.

"We'd like to invite you to come see the show as our guest. We're going on Friday, and we'd love to have you join us, our treat."

And, conversely, "Oh, were you going to go to the play too?" Or, "were you aware that the school's play is this coming weekend? If you decide you'd like to go to the show, tickets are $15."


To the bolded, the OP may have to accept hearing BFF say, "You know my stance on paying for tickets," and be willing to respond with, "Okay, we understand."

This respects BFF's principles, and it maintains the OP's boundaries.

Harriet Jones

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Re: Paying for the school musical
« Reply #42 on: May 07, 2014, 11:32:58 AM »
When I was in school and my kids were in school, it was customary for parents to receive at least two comp tickets.  I can't imagine that parents would pay to attend their own child's recital given that they pay for the lessons.

Why *wouldn't* a parent pay for tickets, if the alternative is not showing up for a child's performance?  Anyway, I'd guess that the ticket $$ is meant to help cover the expenses related to the performance. 

Also, not everyone issues comp tickets, it probably depends on the venue/organization.  I don't think we've ever gotten any.

Aquamarine

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Re: Paying for the school musical
« Reply #43 on: May 07, 2014, 11:39:20 AM »
She's not so much paying to be allowed admittance but paying to subsidize schools musicals / plays so schools can afford to put them on.  Without this subsidization they will cease to exist.  I would remind her of that and that every single person who shows up pays because they want to support these activities.  If she still balks I would tell her it's best if she not continue to come.  The fact that she is holding her attendance fee, (which can't be much) over your head and insisting you pay for it, frankly makes me think there is something wrong with her.  I"m not certain how good of an influence someone with this mindset might be on a young person.  This does not sound like normal adult behavior to me, IMHO it sounds cheap, self centered and inappropriate.  After all you BFF is making the choice to attend these events.  You make some choices, you pay for them.

If BIL (?) thinks that you should pay it I would offer him the opportunity to do so himself.  If he's not willing to do this then I would inform him that the situation is none of his business and that the discussion is permanently over.

This behavior just seems really odd and bizarre to me and honestly it would make me look at the person in a different light.
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MrTango

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Re: Paying for the school musical
« Reply #44 on: May 07, 2014, 11:48:11 AM »
She's not paying you; she's paying admission to the show.  If you want to see a show, then you must pay to see it.  The only exception would be if you invite her to attend the show with you as your guest.

Agreed.  In the OP's position, I would let her know that if she would like to see the show, tickets are $10/seat.  If I wanted to (and only if I wanted to), I would offer to pay for her ticket for one show.