Paying for the school musical

[Sweetling]

Hi all, I'm new here. I joined because I want some opinions on this one. My husband and I have an only child who is adored and spoiled by my BFF. BFF is local, single, no children. Her nieces and nephews live from 1.5 to 7 hours away, so my daughter gets plenty of attention from BFF, who comes to our house every Friday, sometimes more, and attends most camp and school events.

When BFF is invited to her niece's ballet recitals 1.5 hours away, she is adamant that she should not have to pay to see the show. I understand this: she has to travel and then suffer through the other children's "talent." And she has to be around her unpleasant brother. It's not about the money per se - she's not rich, but she can afford to pay. It's the principle. They're inviting her, it's a schlep, they should cover some costs.

I did not know, until last week, that BFF also believes she should not ever have to pay to see any of my child's shows either, even though she enjoys coming to events and it's all local. My third grader will be in her first musical this Friday and Saturday. The tickets will be something like $10 (maybe $15?). In addition to the Friday show, BFF says she probably wants to see the Saturday show as well - on us. BFF reminded me of her stance: Aunts and beloved fake aunts do not pay for shows. Parents must pay.

Money is not a huge issue for BFF (or for us). Now, I think it would be a nice thing to buy her ticket on Friday night. Not because there's a Rule (am I wrong about that?), but because it's nice. However, I think insisting we pay for the optional second night is really pushing it. All my Facebook friends agree. Do you?

[PitBullMom]

If I'm understanding you correctly, your BFF is planning on attending both showings, yes? This, to me, seems odd. I was in multiple concerts, musicals, and recitals when I was in school and my family members only attended one showing/event. If I recall correctly, my grandmother paid her own way and my parents paid theirs. No one insisted on someone else paying to see a show.

If paying for your BFF is what you decided to do for this show, then that's fine. I think it's rude of her to demand you cover her ticket either way, but I do agree that it's rude she wants to attend all the showings on your dime. If I were you, I'd offer to pay for one show, and if she wants to see more, that's on her.

[One Fish, Two Fish]

She's not paying you; she's paying admission to the show.  If you want to see a show, then you must pay to see it.  The only exception would be if you invite her to attend the show with you as your guest.   

[Please pass the Calgon]

If I issued a specific invitation to her to attend a certain showing w/ my family, I'd plan on paying (ex. "We'd love it if you'd come with us to DD's play on X day at Y time").

If it's more of an FYI (ex. "DD is in a play with shows on X, Y, & Z days. Hubby, DS & I are planning to go on Y") and she decides to go then she buys her own ticket.

I certainly wouldn't be paying for tickets on multiple nights (unless I REALLY wanted her there to keep me company).

[TootsNYC]

I think your BFF is wrong on both counts.

She should pay to see her niece's recitals. She should pay to see your kids' school musicals. She is the audience member.

I understand this: she has to travel and then suffer through the other children's "talent." And she has to be around her unpleasant brother.

Not one of these things is justification for her to demand someone else pay for her ticket to an event she wants to attend. (She must want to--she goes.)

I suppose there's an argument that says, "You invited me to come to the recital," but honestly I would have to have received a very explicit invitation, as opposed to a "it's her recital, would you like to attend? here's when it is" which implies that it's a notification, not a hosted invite.

So I believe she's wrong there. I don't think that she has received a "let us host you!" invitation to any of these events. I'm certain you didn't give her one.

Yeah, it means she's paying to see the performance of someone else's child. But these children presumably have a relationship with her, right? They are "her nephew" and "her friends." If she doesn't care about them enough to fork over the admission fee, she should stay home.

And multiple nights? Oh no.

Even if you were going to accept her contention that the parents have to pay for the tickets for their children's fan club members, parents would pay *one* night. The night of their choosing.

I think you should call her bluff and say, "Oh, well, then we won't ask you to go to the show. You can stay home; I'm sure it'll be more fun for you."

[Sweetling]

Thanks for the quick responses.

I never offered to pay, she just immediately reminded me what her philosophy is so I wouldn't think she'd be paying. After she made that clear, I figured I had no real choice but to keep things civil by splitting the diff -- paying for the first night, and telling her she's on her own for the second night.

Her attendance at these things with our family is just assumed, and most events don't cost money, so I guess it hasn't come up before.

[One Fish, Two Fish]

I think it's very nice & generous of you to pay for one night, but both nights would be a bit too much. 

[gramma dishes]

"Oh, I'm so sorry, dear Fake Aunt.  I'm sure Little Mehetabel would love for you to see her perform, but since it's a financial burden for you she'll certainly understand that you can't be there.  Don't worry.  Her love for you isn't going to change just because you are unable to attend her concerts."

And then just don't tell her about future events. 

[Erich L-ster]

This is a thing now? They charge admission to attend school performances? I was unaware I had been living under a rock. I've never heard of such a thing.

[Sweetling]

Oh, yes. School musicals have been paid events for decades.

[Bales]

"BFF, I appreciate that you have your philosophy, but it's not one I share.  I'm happy if you want to attend, but would expect you to pay your own admission.  Since this hasn't come up before, I'll agree to pay for one showing and if you want to attend additional shows, you can pay.  I certainly understand if you choose not to attend events that require an admission fee, so please don't think there are any hard feelings.  We just have different philosophies on this topic."

[Yvaine]

Oh, yes. School musicals have been paid events for decades.

*nod* When I was little, like grade school, I don't think admission was charged for our performances (and probably a good thing, as I'm sure we stunk!).  But yeah, especially in high school, it was always a few bucks. This was the 90s.

[Sweetling]

I like that wording a lot, Bales. Thanks. I want to be polite about this, because she really is a loyal, wonderful, generous friend. Issues like this seem to cause some resentment for an otherwise lovely BFF.

gramma dishes, while I won't be using your phrasing, it did make me giggle. So thanks.

It seems like everyone agrees that paying for the second night is out of the question, while the first night is a matter of courtesy, pretty much not to be expected.

Consensus is beautiful.

[Emmy]

So she informed you that she wanted to go to both shows, but insists that you pay for them? If you had invited her to both shows, she might have a point. By her the ticket for Friday night and not for Saturday. In the future, do not inform her of your child's performances unless you want to buy her ticket.

It sounds like she is deciding to come to these shows and thinks you should pay for it.  I totally think she should pay for herself when she decides to go to a show on her own.  I do think it is a nice and generous (but not necessary) gesture to pick up the cost of the tickets for shows to which you specifically invite her.  Since your BFF sounds otherwise wonderful and supportive of your family, paying for a ticket for one of the shows is a nice way to show appreciation for her. 

[JoieGirl7]

You say that she is a generous friend.  Should I take that to mean that she brings treats for your daughter and gives her presents and/or money on birthdays and other gift giving holidays?

If that is the case, then I think you should pay for the extra ticket and count yourself lucky to have a friend who is so positivley invested in your child.  Think of it as creating your own VIP list.

If we were talking about tickets that cost a hundred dollars, i might advise differently just because of the burden of the cost, but at $15-$30 you are essentially arguing a principle with her. Let her "win." Sometimes what we gain by letting someone else win is far greater than what we would have if we "won."