Author Topic: MIL on Mother's Day  (Read 7025 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

LeveeWoman

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4187
Re: MIL on Mother's Day
« Reply #15 on: May 12, 2014, 08:01:45 AM »
Why couldn't he call her? Just a quick ring?

Maybe because he's living in another nation for work?

SPuck

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 985
Re: MIL on Mother's Day
« Reply #16 on: May 12, 2014, 08:13:10 AM »
Why couldn't he call her? Just a quick ring?

Maybe because he's living in another nation for work?

The MIL does not have a leg to stand on in this situation. Her son still honored her for he day with the flowers, and was going to be celebrating the tradition with her on another day. mrsbrandt also followed up on the day itself where she didn't have to. The MIL involved third parties in her situation, which I would fine more rude than someone who forgot the holiday. Her son didn't forget the holiday either though.

mrsbrandt

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2084
  • I can run under a 9 minute mile!!!
    • Brandts Online
Re: MIL on Mother's Day
« Reply #17 on: May 12, 2014, 08:23:38 AM »
I think the best course of action is to just forget about all this and not respond.  She's probably over it by today anyway and certainly next weekend when you see her, this will be all over.

Yeah, least said, soonest mended.

So your DH had already sent her a Mother's Day message on Facebook? Is that what his response "check your Facebook messages" means?

If so, she'll get over it, and if it ever comes up again, you guys should just be puzzled: "I sent you a Facebook message. It's just so expensive to call."

Though I will say, I have told my children: I don't really care about a gift or a card. To me those are pretty empty; they're rote gifts. Even a Facebook message is not really all that special.
   What I want for Mother's Day is time with my kids. So when they're young, I want to do something with them.
   When they're grown, I want them to call and talk to me for half an hour--and not a half hour that I have to pry words out of them!

My DD is away at college. I called her about 3:30pm bcs I needed to know for sure if she was going to be home at a specific time. She said, right away, "Happy Mother's Day! I was going to call you later." So, OK, but I realized at the end of the day, it didn't feel as wonderful as it would have if she'd beaten me to the phone call.

So, maybe DH should call her and just talk to her, Mother's Day or not, international rates or no.

Yes DH had sent her a Facebook message before she called him. And I don't think DH was planning on calling, because we made plans to see her the next weekend and celebrate Mother's Day. DH didn't think it was worth paying international rates for a phone call, when he felt had acknowledged the day. He did offer to Skype with MIL. She didn't respond to that text message either. DH didn't even call me on Mother's Day. We had a midnight Skype session.

TootsNYC

  • A Pillar of the Forum
  • *****
  • Posts: 30829
Re: MIL on Mother's Day
« Reply #18 on: May 12, 2014, 08:36:17 AM »
OK, the Skype offer completely erases any sympathy I'd had for MIL.

I get the idea of wanting contact w/ your kid on that day. But, she didn't bother to reply to any of his responses to her jabs?

That's not her wanting more, deeper, better, more meaningful contact w/ her kid. That's her setting up imaginary hoops for someone to jump through--and then moving them.

JenJay

  • I'm a nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standards of nonconformity.
  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6225
Re: MIL on Mother's Day
« Reply #19 on: May 12, 2014, 09:06:34 AM »
I think the best course of action is to just forget about all this and not respond.  She's probably over it by today anyway and certainly next weekend when you see her, this will be all over.

Yeah, least said, soonest mended.

So your DH had already sent her a Mother's Day message on Facebook? Is that what his response "check your Facebook messages" means?

If so, she'll get over it, and if it ever comes up again, you guys should just be puzzled: "I sent you a Facebook message. It's just so expensive to call."

Though I will say, I have told my children: I don't really care about a gift or a card. To me those are pretty empty; they're rote gifts. Even a Facebook message is not really all that special.
   What I want for Mother's Day is time with my kids. So when they're young, I want to do something with them.
   When they're grown, I want them to call and talk to me for half an hour--and not a half hour that I have to pry words out of them!

My DD is away at college. I called her about 3:30pm bcs I needed to know for sure if she was going to be home at a specific time. She said, right away, "Happy Mother's Day! I was going to call you later." So, OK, but I realized at the end of the day, it didn't feel as wonderful as it would have if she'd beaten me to the phone call.

So, maybe DH should call her and just talk to her, Mother's Day or not, international rates or no.

Yes DH had sent her a Facebook message before she called him. And I don't think DH was planning on calling, because we made plans to see her the next weekend and celebrate Mother's Day. DH didn't think it was worth paying international rates for a phone call, when he felt had acknowledged the day. He did offer to Skype with MIL. She didn't respond to that text message either. DH didn't even call me on Mother's Day. We had a midnight Skype session.

She's being a brat. I would let it die but if she brings it up again he should say "I sent you flowers and sent you a message first thing and made plans to come see you as soon as I got home and invited you for a skype chat, which you ignored. You know that phone calls are so expensive that they're on an "emergency only" basis. I didn't even call my wife!"

I hope he's not sitting somewhere feeling guilty, because he shouldn't!

acicularis

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 389
Re: MIL on Mother's Day
« Reply #20 on: May 12, 2014, 10:48:41 AM »
So opinions from the group was DH rude? Was there more that he/or I should have done? I personally think Dh should address this situation with MIL. Any advice on addressing this situation?

Your DH was not rude, and I don't think that either of you should have done more than you did. I realize that there is a wide range of expectations when it comes to Mother's Day (some mothers may want lots of attention, gifts, and dinner out,  while others are happy with just a card or phone call) , but I think MIL is being ridiculous.

Similar behavior from my own mother has me tied up in anxious knots every year as Mother's Day approaches. It's very hard to give freely when someone expects SO much. It paralyzes me. I try to do something nice for her to honor Mother's Day (even though that may mean I don't really get a Mother's Day), but I know I'm not doing enough, and I get little if any joy out of performing this duty. My brother barely tries anymore. And unfortunately, she'll never understand that her huge expectations (and more importantly, how she's behaved in the past when we didn't meet them) have caused us to do less than we might have done otherwise.

I would be inclined not to bring it up. Let DH address it only if she does, and then he can point out all that the two of you did to honor her for Mother's Day.

artk2002

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 12983
    • The Delian's Commonwealth
Re: MIL on Mother's Day
« Reply #21 on: May 12, 2014, 11:18:38 AM »
OK, the Skype offer completely erases any sympathy I'd had for MIL.

I get the idea of wanting contact w/ your kid on that day. But, she didn't bother to reply to any of his responses to her jabs?

That's not her wanting more, deeper, better, more meaningful contact w/ her kid. That's her setting up imaginary hoops for someone to jump through--and then moving them.

Yup. We call that "moving the goalposts." She's being highly manipulative and childish. Summoning the flying monkey just makes it worse.

OP, you and your DH did very well. As I'm fond of saying "just because someone else is upset, it doesn't mean that you did anything wrong." MIL's "disappointment" is all of her own making. Let her wallow in it. Don't chase her to make her feel better because that will only encourage this kind of behavior. Your DH has responded sufficiently. Respond no more. If any apologies are owed, they should be flowing from MIL to you, not the other way around.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bow lines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. -Mark Twain

mime

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 783
Re: MIL on Mother's Day
« Reply #22 on: May 12, 2014, 11:33:39 AM »
She's being a brat. I would let it die but if she brings it up again he should say "I sent you flowers and sent you a message first thing and made plans to come see you as soon as I got home and invited you for a skype chat, which you ignored. You know that phone calls are so expensive that they're on an "emergency only" basis. I didn't even call my wife!"

I hope he's not sitting somewhere feeling guilty, because he shouldn't!

JenJay's response really resonated with me, especially that OP and DH should not be feeling guilty over this!

I think it is fair, since MIL has made her disappointment known, to ask what exactly her expectations are for Mother's Day and how OP&DH failed to meet them with the things they did and the things they offered. "This way, we can avoid repeating the same problem in the future."

If she's like my mother, she will say exactly what bothered her about the day-- like she wanted to be remembered by her son first thing in the morning with a phone call to show for it even if it was expensive, rather than a pre-scheduled way around the celebration. (Please note, OP: those aren't my feelings on what you and DH did; I believe you were very thoughtful!) Then she'll feel bad for being upset about such a silly little thing. Whatever honest answer she gives you will at least give you something to work with.

If she's like my grandmother, you'll never get a straight answer as she'll say she needs nothing, she's not that fussy, she wasn't really that upset on Mother's Day, you all are overreacting... Well, no big deal then, we'll remember that next year! And then just try to let the incident fade away into the past.

heartmug

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2349
Re: MIL on Mother's Day
« Reply #23 on: May 12, 2014, 12:29:50 PM »
Do you think because the Aunt was involved that there was some comparisons done on Mother's Day?  "What did your son get you?"  "Well my son got me all that AND called me first thing this morning!"  That is very much my MIL and her sisters.  We no longer play the game.
One option in a tug of war with someone is just to drop the rope.

Redneck Gravy

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2724
Re: MIL on Mother's Day
« Reply #24 on: May 12, 2014, 12:51:25 PM »



I think asking her what she wants is going to set the OP up for things they may not be able to do. If it was me and the aunt texted me I would have responded back " I sent flowers and a card and posted a greeting on facebook. Apparently that is not enough. Maybe we should rethink celebrating mother's day' all together".
[/quote]

POD  ... and perhaps asking Aunt how this concerns her?

MIL was a drama mama.

mrsbrandt

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2084
  • I can run under a 9 minute mile!!!
    • Brandts Online
Re: MIL on Mother's Day
« Reply #25 on: May 12, 2014, 01:03:02 PM »
I feel a lot like acicularis right now. I agree that she did move the goal posts and it irritates me. I really don't appreciate her making my DH feel badly. It makes me not want to spend next weekend with her. Although, I certainly won't rescind the invitation.

TurtleDove

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6122
Re: MIL on Mother's Day
« Reply #26 on: May 12, 2014, 01:08:31 PM »
I feel a lot like acicularis right now. I agree that she did move the goal posts and it irritates me. I really don't appreciate her making my DH feel badly. It makes me not want to spend next weekend with her. Although, I certainly won't rescind the invitation.

I think MIL is out of line, but your DH needs to be in control of his own emotions.  Yes, it hurts when someone is angry with us, but when that person is unreasonable, you (general) have to take a step back and not get sucked into an unreasonable cycle.  DH is an adult. Yes, that is his mom, but I hope he can get past feeling bad when she is acting like a little kid.  We all have our moments, and personally, I appreciate being called out by my husband or someone else close to me when I am acting out of line.  DH could try, "Mom, I am sorry you are upset, but really, take a step back and think about this.  I love you, and mrsbrandt and the kids love you. We sent you a gift, we made plans to spend time with you. Get over yourself, you silly goose!"

miranova

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2195
Re: MIL on Mother's Day
« Reply #27 on: May 12, 2014, 03:10:55 PM »
Why couldn't he call her? Just a quick ring?

Why is it that calling is the only acceptable way to honor your Mother on Mother's Day?  Why did you completely ignore all of the other things he did (I count at least four)?

I'm sorry but it is beyond petty to complain about the one thing she didn't get.

Since when are expressions of holidays supposed to be demanded?  For no other holiday would it be ok to complain about the gift one received.  If she wants to speak to her son on Mother's Day, it's fine to want that.  Reasonable even.  But there are appropriate ways to express that preference and being passive aggressive isn't one of them.  If it's not feasible due to travel, then she needs to suck it up and appreciate all of the things he tried to do for her!

Ceallach

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4779
    • This Is It
Re: MIL on Mother's Day
« Reply #28 on: May 13, 2014, 04:09:48 AM »
Why couldn't he call her? Just a quick ring?

Why is it that calling is the only acceptable way to honor your Mother on Mother's Day?  Why did you completely ignore all of the other things he did (I count at least four)?

I'm sorry but it is beyond petty to complain about the one thing she didn't get.

Since when are expressions of holidays supposed to be demanded?  For no other holiday would it be ok to complain about the gift one received.  If she wants to speak to her son on Mother's Day, it's fine to want that.  Reasonable even.  But there are appropriate ways to express that preference and being passive aggressive isn't one of them.  If it's not feasible due to travel, then she needs to suck it up and appreciate all of the things he tried to do for her!

If she wants to speak to somebody it's also fine to pick up the phone and call them herself, regardless of what day it is, rather than sit beside the phone being resentful.   That's what I find so strange - if he'd failed to acknowledge mother's day at all then yes I understand that could be hurtful, although I don't think there's any obligation it does depend on family dynamics.  But they did a few things to acknowledge the day, very nice thoughtful things.     It's like somebody receiving a gift and throwing a tantrum because it's not the exact gift they had in mind.   
"Nobody can do everything, but everybody can do something"


123sandy

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 548
Re: MIL on Mother's Day
« Reply #29 on: May 13, 2014, 04:47:41 AM »
Why couldn't he call her? Just a quick ring?

Why is it that calling is the only acceptable way to honor your Mother on Mother's Day?  Why did you completely ignore all of the other things he did (I count at least four)?

I'm sorry but it is beyond petty to complain about the one thing she didn't get.

Since when are expressions of holidays supposed to be demanded?  For no other holiday would it be ok to complain about the gift one received.  If she wants to speak to her son on Mother's Day, it's fine to want that.  Reasonable even.  But there are appropriate ways to express that preference and being passive aggressive isn't one of them.  If it's not feasible due to travel, then she needs to suck it up and appreciate all of the things he tried to do for her!

It was just curiosity on my part. We've lived in different countries than our families for thirty years and have managed a phone call.