Author Topic: Posting In A Relation-Ship on FB when still married  (Read 12807 times)

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bah12

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Re: Posting In A Relation-Ship on FB when still married
« Reply #105 on: May 15, 2014, 01:54:13 PM »
I don't think that etiquette says we can never make people feel uncomfortable.  That's impossible.   Etiquette might tell me I shouldn't show up at a party with my new uninvited boyfriend, but it doesn't say that I am obligated to keep him a secret because the knowledge that I'm dating someone new will make a bunch of busy bodies uncomfortable.

A post on FB is also not the same as putting new information in your face and saying "here...you must choose right now, in front of me, whether to accept this situation or not."  What it does do, however, is give you the ability, with the luxury of not having to make an immediate, on the spot decision, how you will either move on with our friendship or handle the relationship in person. 

You can be as judgy as you want about other people.  You are definitely entitled to your opinions.  But if you really expect that your opinions do or should shape the decisions of those around you (with very few exceptions), you're wrong.  Your opinions shape your behavior...not others'. And sharing those opinions publically, in most cases, is gossip...which is rude.

**You's are general**
« Last Edit: May 15, 2014, 01:58:31 PM by bah12 »

turnip

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Re: Posting In A Relation-Ship on FB when still married
« Reply #106 on: May 15, 2014, 01:57:23 PM »
I was ...fortunate(?) to learn early that what I know about other people's relationships could just about fill a thimble.  Yea - you know that nice guy 'Joe' across the street who's always so funny and friendly?  You know his wife 'Jane' who's a little cold and standoffish?  Wasn't it terrible that she left him with no warning and immediately shacked up with another guy?  Poor Joe!

Well turned out 'Joe' was violent and abusive, 'Jane' was in fear for her life and safety, and she sneaked out and moved in with 'Bill' because he was genuine and sweet and promised to help protect her.  20 years later Jane and Bill are happily married and Joe alienated everyone he knew, got fired from a series of jobs, and finally we all lost touch with him.


Allyson

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Re: Posting In A Relation-Ship on FB when still married
« Reply #107 on: May 17, 2014, 02:34:27 AM »
I do very much agree with the 'nobody's business' thing.  That being said, I sort of feel like if you put your status on Facebook publicly--well, isn't doing that, to some extent, making it 'people's business'? I mean, it's making it public knowledge, anyway, which might not be 'business' but why would somebody do that if they didn't want comments? Everything that's visible on my Facebook page is stuff I'd be totally fine answering questions about.

There's no law that says you have to put stuff on Facebook to make it real. I think if somebody truly wanted to keep speculation out of it, they should really just...not be making it public knowledge. People will speculate and gossip, as well as have their own opinions they keep to themselves. It just seems kind of disingenuous to make something public (something that's very optional that's only purpose, in fact, is to inform people) and then get offended when others comment.

purple

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Re: Posting In A Relation-Ship on FB when still married
« Reply #108 on: May 17, 2014, 03:53:58 AM »
Call me an old fuddy-duddy but I think it is in very poor form to announce your new relationship publicly so soon and while still married.  I don't buy all of the "no one should ever judge anyone for anything ever" stuff.  That's basically what we do all day long on this board:  judge people's behavior.  I wouldn't say anything TO the person doing the FB posting (and yes I've seen something like this myself from a friend on FB) but that doesn't mean I'm not entitled to my opinion on it.  I do think it's tacky, and I feel I am just as entitled to that opinion as a person with the opposite opinion.  No one is advocating that the OP start sending this woman emails telling her that she is being tacky.  But discussing it here is as fair as any other thread that gets started.  I cast my vote for tacky and bordering on rude.  I won't even get into morality because for me that depends on other circumstances and this isn't a morality board.

I agree that judging other peoples' behaviour is always going to be done - it's human nature.  I think that where etiquette comes into it is knowing to keep your thoughts to yourself and not voice inappropriate things.  Agree also that morality is totally different to etiquette and should be kept separate in our minds.

LifeOnPluto

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Re: Posting In A Relation-Ship on FB when still married
« Reply #109 on: May 17, 2014, 05:07:03 AM »
So she's been separated five months, and is posting about her new boyfriend? I'm honestly not seeing the rudeness here.

If she was posting stuff like "New Boyfriend is so much better than my idiot ex-husband!" that would be rude.

If she was posting stuff like "Celebrating 10 years of marriage with husband, and one year together with New Boyfriend" that would be rude (because it's confusing to friends and family - is she separated? Hoping to reconcile? In an open relationship? and also comes off as bragging about her obvious infidelity, if she's only been separated five months).

If she was complaining "Why aren't my friends and family welcoming New Boyfriend with open arms?! They need to accept him NOW!" that would be rude.

But simply posting status updates like "New Boyfriend and I had coffee this morning" isn't rude, IMO. If she's posting heaps of gushy, lovey-dovey posts about him, that's tacky and annoying, but not necessarily rude.

TootsNYC

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Re: Posting In A Relation-Ship on FB when still married
« Reply #110 on: May 17, 2014, 10:49:28 AM »

A post on FB is also not the same as putting new information in your face and saying "here...you must choose right now, in front of me, whether to accept this situation or not."  What it does do, however, is give you the ability, with the luxury of not having to make an immediate, on the spot decision, how you will either move on with our friendship or handle the relationship in person. 

This is an interesting point! In a way, it makes the Facebook relationship-status update -more- polite, because if I'm uncomfortable with your behavior, now I know not to invite you to my party because you might bring that guy.

turnip

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Re: Posting In A Relation-Ship on FB when still married
« Reply #111 on: May 18, 2014, 06:31:07 PM »
I do very much agree with the 'nobody's business' thing.  That being said, I sort of feel like if you put your status on Facebook publicly--well, isn't doing that, to some extent, making it 'people's business'? I mean, it's making it public knowledge, anyway, which might not be 'business' but why would somebody do that if they didn't want comments? Everything that's visible on my Facebook page is stuff I'd be totally fine answering questions about.

There's no law that says you have to put stuff on Facebook to make it real. I think if somebody truly wanted to keep speculation out of it, they should really just...not be making it public knowledge. People will speculate and gossip, as well as have their own opinions they keep to themselves. It just seems kind of disingenuous to make something public (something that's very optional that's only purpose, in fact, is to inform people) and then get offended when others comment.

I have young children and sometimes mention my job on FB.  Am I inviting comments on whether or not I should be leaving my children at daycare?  If I post a picture of myself in shorts am I inviting comments on whether or not I'm being sufficiently modest?   

If my friend posts a picture of her kids with their easter baskets am I free to discuss my problems with her religion?

I don't think so.  Sharing is not the same as inviting negativity.

sammycat

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Re: Posting In A Relation-Ship on FB when still married
« Reply #112 on: May 18, 2014, 07:27:11 PM »
I would say it's pretty premature to announce you're in a new relationship before you have official separated. That is, of course, my own opinion, but after all, that's all we're offering here.

Agreed.

My cousin recently ran off with another woman, leaving his wife and 2 kids for her. From what I can work out, they only met 2 months or so ago. To say we were/are all stunned would be an understatement. If he suddenly announced this new relationships status on facebook I'd probably be even more disgusted in him than I already am. But seeing as he's blocked all the family members from his account, it's kind of a moot point I guess.

Goosey

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Re: Posting In A Relation-Ship on FB when still married
« Reply #113 on: May 19, 2014, 08:28:15 AM »
But, remember - the OP doesn't KNOW anything about the separation - she assumes they're not legally separated because she hasn't heard anything about it - but that's none of her business either.

miranova

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Re: Posting In A Relation-Ship on FB when still married
« Reply #114 on: May 19, 2014, 11:47:18 AM »
I do very much agree with the 'nobody's business' thing.  That being said, I sort of feel like if you put your status on Facebook publicly--well, isn't doing that, to some extent, making it 'people's business'? I mean, it's making it public knowledge, anyway, which might not be 'business' but why would somebody do that if they didn't want comments? Everything that's visible on my Facebook page is stuff I'd be totally fine answering questions about.

There's no law that says you have to put stuff on Facebook to make it real. I think if somebody truly wanted to keep speculation out of it, they should really just...not be making it public knowledge. People will speculate and gossip, as well as have their own opinions they keep to themselves. It just seems kind of disingenuous to make something public (something that's very optional that's only purpose, in fact, is to inform people) and then get offended when others comment.

I have young children and sometimes mention my job on FB.  Am I inviting comments on whether or not I should be leaving my children at daycare?  If I post a picture of myself in shorts am I inviting comments on whether or not I'm being sufficiently modest?   

If my friend posts a picture of her kids with their easter baskets am I free to discuss my problems with her religion?

I don't think so.  Sharing is not the same as inviting negativity.

But.....nobody is suggesting making any comments.  At least, if they did, I missed it.  I thought we were just discussing whether or not it is in good form to post a change in relationship status while still married.  I didn't think anybody was advocated commenting on the FB post to express their disapproval.  As I said, I've been faced with this.  I thought it was in bad form, especially as I was also friends with the husband in question and felt a bit bad for him.  I didn't say a word and never would.  That doesn't mean I think what she did was very nice.  I'll stop short of calling it rude, but I do think it's tacky.

And it's not the case that I don't want her to be happy.  Of course I do.  But I also don't want her husband to be sad, hurt, and blind sighted, because I cared about him too.  It's not so black and white to say that if someone finds your status awkward or offensive that that means they don't care about your happiness.  It's just not that simple, sometimes there are other people's feelings to consider as well.

turnip

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Re: Posting In A Relation-Ship on FB when still married
« Reply #115 on: May 19, 2014, 11:58:56 AM »
I do very much agree with the 'nobody's business' thing.  That being said, I sort of feel like if you put your status on Facebook publicly--well, isn't doing that, to some extent, making it 'people's business'? I mean, it's making it public knowledge, anyway, which might not be 'business' but why would somebody do that if they didn't want comments? Everything that's visible on my Facebook page is stuff I'd be totally fine answering questions about.

There's no law that says you have to put stuff on Facebook to make it real. I think if somebody truly wanted to keep speculation out of it, they should really just...not be making it public knowledge. People will speculate and gossip, as well as have their own opinions they keep to themselves. It just seems kind of disingenuous to make something public (something that's very optional that's only purpose, in fact, is to inform people) and then get offended when others comment.

I have young children and sometimes mention my job on FB.  Am I inviting comments on whether or not I should be leaving my children at daycare?  If I post a picture of myself in shorts am I inviting comments on whether or not I'm being sufficiently modest?   

If my friend posts a picture of her kids with their easter baskets am I free to discuss my problems with her religion?

I don't think so.  Sharing is not the same as inviting negativity.

But.....nobody is suggesting making any comments.  At least, if they did, I missed it.  I thought we were just discussing whether or not it is in good form to post a change in relationship status while still married.  I didn't think anybody was advocated commenting on the FB post to express their disapproval.  As I said, I've been faced with this.  I thought it was in bad form, especially as I was also friends with the husband in question and felt a bit bad for him.  I didn't say a word and never would.  That doesn't mean I think what she did was very nice.  I'll stop short of calling it rude, but I do think it's tacky.

And it's not the case that I don't want her to be happy.  Of course I do.  But I also don't want her husband to be sad, hurt, and blind sighted, because I cared about him too.  It's not so black and white to say that if someone finds your status awkward or offensive that that means they don't care about your happiness.  It's just not that simple, sometimes there are other people's feelings to consider as well.

but why would somebody do that if they didn't want comments

In the post I'm responding to. 

We're having a few different conversations which isn't unusual.  I don't think anyone has to approve of the new relationship.   I don't think anyone's feeling matter more or less than anyone else's.

But I don't think there is any rudeness here.  Publicly starting a new relationship _may_ be hurtful, immoral, ill-considered, etc., but it really isn't _rude_.   Etiquette does not involve itself in when and with whom we can have a relationship  - there are many other guidelines for that and varied opinions on how closely to follow them.

miranova

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Re: Posting In A Relation-Ship on FB when still married
« Reply #116 on: May 19, 2014, 12:58:03 PM »
Well in a way I agree with the bolded.  There is no reason to announce something on Facebook if you want and expect no comments whatsoever.  It's called a social networking site for a reason.  However, I'm sure most people who change their relationship status are expecting positive comments, not judgment. 

 I agree that negative or judging comments are best left unsaid.  Watching some of my cousin's posts are like watching a train wreck happen in front of my very eyes...I just say nothing. 

Mary Lennox

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Re: Posting In A Relation-Ship on FB when still married
« Reply #117 on: May 19, 2014, 01:11:06 PM »
I agree that negative or judging comments are best left unsaid. 

Exactly. I think I lot of people need to remember "if you can't say something nice, keep your trap shut."

TurtleDove

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Re: Posting In A Relation-Ship on FB when still married
« Reply #118 on: May 19, 2014, 01:16:21 PM »
I agree that negative or judging comments are best left unsaid. 

Exactly. I think I lot of people need to remember "if you can't say something nice, keep your trap shut."

Agreed.  I also think that at some point, being judgey just makes a person seem nosey and arrogant.  The further away a person is from the reality of a situation, the worse this effect, in my opinion.  Do you (general) really know what is going on, enough to have a valid opinion anyway?  Are you in a position to have an opinion that would matter to anyone actually involved who knows the truth of the situation?  Chances are, no to both questions, and it is best to just quietly judge if you must and move on.

TootsNYC

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Re: Posting In A Relation-Ship on FB when still married
« Reply #119 on: May 19, 2014, 01:37:38 PM »
Quote
it is best to just quietly judge if you must and move on.

And people will judge.

That's one of the reasons for the code of etiquette--it lays out for you a path of behavior that is intended to protect you from most of that. If you don't ever make public your new relationship until after your divorce is final, you will be judged less severely.

You can always do anything you want. No matter what is written in an etiquette book, or is common practice in your community. You can always do something else.
  But you will be sending the message that these standards aren't important to you, and people will listen to that message.

If you act according to the standards of the community, you send a different message, and will hopefully no have to deal with the subtle things that affect you when people in your community make a negative judgment about you.